Can't Stay Gone
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Aaaaannnd.... I'm Back
As is so often the case with people in recovery and people suffering from any sort of life long affliction, every once and awhile you get this feeling of wonder. I wonder what would happen if I did it on my own?
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Frustration
This is the e-mail I sent to DHS and C&F tonight after I put Munchkin to bed.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Panic
It's happening again. I'm sitting at my desk working away and now all of the sudden I can't breathe. WTF?? There is no stress happening right now. I wasn't even thinking about anything and now it feels like my chest is going to explode. Who does this?? How is this normal??
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why?
I have been struggling for two days to find the time, energy, sanity, and most of all words to explain to you what this site does for me. I know that some of you are questioning how it could be good for my psyche to come here and rehash all of the things that happened to me in the past.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Crashing....
Everyone said it would happen. The divorce would be final and there would be a moment of sadness, regret or just let down. I didn't believe any of them. I was SOO glad to be rid of DH that I didn't think I would ever feel anything but elation.
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Clarification
As is usually the case when I tell a story from the past, sometimes what I'm saying makes perfect sense to me but to you, it might be confusing. Feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try to answer them as best I can. Sometimes I forget that you weren't there. You don't know all the details.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
IDM
I got a question today about IDM. I thought perhaps he deserved a post here, just to clarify a few things.
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Q&A
I was asked some questions over on my family site and a couple here that I have been meaning to answer but just haven't gotten to yet. So... here goes:
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Panic
I'm sitting at my desk working away when it hits me. My breath catches in my chest and suddenly I am very warm. My chest hurts. So bad that for a moment I wonder if I'm having a heart attack.
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Early Days
I'm going to Link to some of the posts I put up awhile ago about how DH and I first started out. I'm also going to go back and put some of the new ones in order. When I started this blog I tried to keep things in cronological order and it kind of got all jumbled up so I'm going to try to bring it back to the standard blog format I put up here.
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Haunted
This month has, by far been one of my worst in all of this. When I started telling my story back at the end of May I started digging up a lot of old demons. For the most part I was able to keep them under control by coming here. I was here, I was writing and when I was upset I would pour it out here.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Video
I stumbled upon this video tonight and I just couldn't look away. It's not the sound so much as it is the story line. My heart stopped, my breath caught in my chest and there it was... various parts of my life, played out like a movie.
I put this video on the sidebar, because I don't want to loose it for awhile but I'm also posting it here because it's a bit bigger. She's not a well known star in the US but this song just hit a place for me.....
Censorship and Sh!t
So I made a mistake again today. Probably one of many. I posted something on my facebook status. A quote from Annie:
Will you sign!.... That's fine!..... The dotted line... Don't whine... You can't decline!... Just sign!... Sign!
At the time it crossed my mind that my SIL might read it. She is still my friend on facebook and I wasn't sure what she would think.
I should have known.
Even knowing all the hell he put me through, even knowing all the danger he put her nephew through, even witnessing some of the physical and mental abuse first hand she still, at the end of the day, sided with her brother. Or at least that's how it felt. Her comment:
Congrats! Hope everyone can be happy and still get along! Were happy for you both!
Happy for both of us?? Really, your asshole brother abandoned his family and you're happy for both of us? At the end of the day she doesn't have any more balls or ability to pick sides and stand up for what is right than her brother does.
And to add icing to my proverbial cake five minutes later her best friend got on and left this gem:
Congrats! 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Your not alone!
And so I'm torn. In a perfect world we would all be able to get along but as my friend so eloquently pointed out to me tonight when I called her to ask about this, this is not a perfect world. I have to be all or nothing because everything that I say, every mention I have of M, every time I am not with the Munchkin because I am out doing something else is going to be one more thing that one of them can take and try to use to make my life a living hell.
I have this blog. Thank GOD I have this blog but I also have my family blog. The place I started and the place I wanted to go back to when all of dust settled and now I'm not sure I can. They know that place. They have the blog address and the only thing to do would be to move it and start over. I don't want to do that.
So, regrettably I took down the status update on facebook. And whenever he signs the papers, which for the person who asked, yes he is just stalling because he is an ass.... I will unfriend everyone from DH's family. I don't know how else to do it. I want them to be in my life but I also need my space. I need to be able to be myself and not have them looking over my shoulder and judging me.
Why does this seriously have to be this hard? I am NOT into censorship. I want to be able to be open and honest with my life. I want to be able to just be happy and have them leave me alone. Is that too much to ask??
Will you sign!.... That's fine!..... The dotted line... Don't whine... You can't decline!... Just sign!... Sign!
At the time it crossed my mind that my SIL might read it. She is still my friend on facebook and I wasn't sure what she would think.
I should have known.
Even knowing all the hell he put me through, even knowing all the danger he put her nephew through, even witnessing some of the physical and mental abuse first hand she still, at the end of the day, sided with her brother. Or at least that's how it felt. Her comment:
Congrats! Hope everyone can be happy and still get along! Were happy for you both!
Happy for both of us?? Really, your asshole brother abandoned his family and you're happy for both of us? At the end of the day she doesn't have any more balls or ability to pick sides and stand up for what is right than her brother does.
And to add icing to my proverbial cake five minutes later her best friend got on and left this gem:
Congrats! 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Your not alone!
And so I'm torn. In a perfect world we would all be able to get along but as my friend so eloquently pointed out to me tonight when I called her to ask about this, this is not a perfect world. I have to be all or nothing because everything that I say, every mention I have of M, every time I am not with the Munchkin because I am out doing something else is going to be one more thing that one of them can take and try to use to make my life a living hell.
I have this blog. Thank GOD I have this blog but I also have my family blog. The place I started and the place I wanted to go back to when all of dust settled and now I'm not sure I can. They know that place. They have the blog address and the only thing to do would be to move it and start over. I don't want to do that.
So, regrettably I took down the status update on facebook. And whenever he signs the papers, which for the person who asked, yes he is just stalling because he is an ass.... I will unfriend everyone from DH's family. I don't know how else to do it. I want them to be in my life but I also need my space. I need to be able to be myself and not have them looking over my shoulder and judging me.
Why does this seriously have to be this hard? I am NOT into censorship. I want to be able to be open and honest with my life. I want to be able to just be happy and have them leave me alone. Is that too much to ask??
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Angry
I was surfing the net this evening and I jumped on to Facebook to poke around. There in the corner is a friend suggestion. Facebook thinks you might know DH. You have 3 friends in common. Is there a way to suggest that Facebook kiss my big hairy ass?? Of course I know him and I in no way want to be his friend.
But... morbid curiosity couldn't keep me away so I popped over to his page and imagine my surprise to see pictures of the munchkin on his site. WTF?? There they were, him and the munchikin as if they were just one big happy family.
And at first, it was just a little twinge. Then more of a rage boiled up and before you know it I am crying big heavy wet tears while throwing laundry this way and that.
This morning, I got the news that a friend of mine lost her baby. Full term, I'm not sure of any of the details but she is a good person. An AWESOME mother and this happens to her. She doesn't get to keep her precious daughter and my ex who is for all intents and purposes a looser deadbeat gets to post pictures of his son on Facebook?? What the hell kind of world are we living in??
I just wanted to post on his wall... all caps... I want to scream it out into the world. He was abusive to his wife in front of his son. He LEFT us!! He ran away and left us alone to fend for ourselves so that he could go out and screw random women and get high. For weeks on end when The Munchkin was really little and completely this time.
He is NOT the model father. He is NOT the perfect dad that looks oh so cute in those pictures. Stop ooogling over my son people. He had NO hand in the adorable little boy he is becoming.
He
LEFT
US!!!
Yet then, somehow, I come back to my center. I know I am doing the right thing for my son. I know that anyone who knows the story, knows that what they see there is just a show. He sees him part of one day, I see him the other six and a half. When he is sad or hurt it is me that is there to pick him up.
When he cries out in the night, it is me he calls for. This much I know. And in another year when DH falls, because at this point I feel certain it will be a when not and if, it will be me that will be here to pick him up and show him how much he is loved by everyone else in his life.
But right now, I'm just angry. Why does doing the right thing have to feel so wrong? Why can't DH just sign the stupid divorce papers so that I can feel closure to that part of my life? Why does this journey have to feel like two steps forward and one hard fall on my ass backwards?
But... morbid curiosity couldn't keep me away so I popped over to his page and imagine my surprise to see pictures of the munchkin on his site. WTF?? There they were, him and the munchikin as if they were just one big happy family.
And at first, it was just a little twinge. Then more of a rage boiled up and before you know it I am crying big heavy wet tears while throwing laundry this way and that.
This morning, I got the news that a friend of mine lost her baby. Full term, I'm not sure of any of the details but she is a good person. An AWESOME mother and this happens to her. She doesn't get to keep her precious daughter and my ex who is for all intents and purposes a looser deadbeat gets to post pictures of his son on Facebook?? What the hell kind of world are we living in??
I just wanted to post on his wall... all caps... I want to scream it out into the world. He was abusive to his wife in front of his son. He LEFT us!! He ran away and left us alone to fend for ourselves so that he could go out and screw random women and get high. For weeks on end when The Munchkin was really little and completely this time.
He is NOT the model father. He is NOT the perfect dad that looks oh so cute in those pictures. Stop ooogling over my son people. He had NO hand in the adorable little boy he is becoming.
He
LEFT
US!!!
Yet then, somehow, I come back to my center. I know I am doing the right thing for my son. I know that anyone who knows the story, knows that what they see there is just a show. He sees him part of one day, I see him the other six and a half. When he is sad or hurt it is me that is there to pick him up.
When he cries out in the night, it is me he calls for. This much I know. And in another year when DH falls, because at this point I feel certain it will be a when not and if, it will be me that will be here to pick him up and show him how much he is loved by everyone else in his life.
But right now, I'm just angry. Why does doing the right thing have to feel so wrong? Why can't DH just sign the stupid divorce papers so that I can feel closure to that part of my life? Why does this journey have to feel like two steps forward and one hard fall on my ass backwards?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Letting Go and Walking Away
I told M about the BPD. I realize that I haven't been diagnosed but it was eating at me. On our very first date I told him I was crazy. I didn't have a name for it then but I knew something about the way my head worked was different than other people's so this was not really a surprise to him.
His only concern... you aren't going to go all Fatal Attraction on me are you?
You know... it's funny. I've never seen that movie but I'm pretty sure that I have the basic premise. And I can tell you right now, two years ago the answer might have been yes. I look back on what I did to try to keep DH around, chasing him in my car, tracking him down at friends houses, calling him 300 times per hour and I think to myself that shit is pretty F#$%'d up.
Luckily, now I can just laugh and tell him no. Won't be doing that. In fact the conversation we had was completely the opposite of that. I've learned one important thing thus far in this journey.
Nothing I say or do can make someone stay if they don't want to.
So I told him, flat out, if we get to a point where he asks me to leave. I will leave. I will walk away and not come back. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. He will know where to find me if he needs me.
He of course didn't believe me, figured there would have to be at least one. There is always one. That one last what happened.
But for me, someone who has been burned SOO badly and someone who spent so many years trying to keep someone around who just wanted to go I honestly don't think there would be.
Done is done in my book. All it ever got me with DH was more pain and more heartache trying to salvage something that one party didn't want.
The only part that worries me about this is I don't want to put up a wall and not let M in simply because I want to be able to walk away. I can't plan for the demise.... but I don't want it to hurt either.... yeah.... might be too late for the second one.....
His only concern... you aren't going to go all Fatal Attraction on me are you?
You know... it's funny. I've never seen that movie but I'm pretty sure that I have the basic premise. And I can tell you right now, two years ago the answer might have been yes. I look back on what I did to try to keep DH around, chasing him in my car, tracking him down at friends houses, calling him 300 times per hour and I think to myself that shit is pretty F#$%'d up.
Luckily, now I can just laugh and tell him no. Won't be doing that. In fact the conversation we had was completely the opposite of that. I've learned one important thing thus far in this journey.
Nothing I say or do can make someone stay if they don't want to.
So I told him, flat out, if we get to a point where he asks me to leave. I will leave. I will walk away and not come back. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. He will know where to find me if he needs me.
He of course didn't believe me, figured there would have to be at least one. There is always one. That one last what happened.
But for me, someone who has been burned SOO badly and someone who spent so many years trying to keep someone around who just wanted to go I honestly don't think there would be.
Done is done in my book. All it ever got me with DH was more pain and more heartache trying to salvage something that one party didn't want.
The only part that worries me about this is I don't want to put up a wall and not let M in simply because I want to be able to walk away. I can't plan for the demise.... but I don't want it to hurt either.... yeah.... might be too late for the second one.....
Love or Not?
I've been doing a lot of thinking about DH's and my relationship lately.
For awhile I was sure that I loved him.
Then I was sure I never loved him.
There was a period that I thought perhaps I loved him but just wasn't "in love" with him any more.
Now, I just don't know.
How can it be that hard to know if you love someone or not? How am I ever going to know if I love someone new if I can't even figure this out?
Earlier this week I was back to the I know I loved him once. And somewhere, I think that might have been true. Back when we were both teenagers before all of the anger and the hurt feelings, and bad memories. Way back when, I think I did love him.
But now, the way I feel about him is VERY hard to describe. I talked to him this morning. I loathe talking to him. I loathe seeing him. It makes my skin crawl. Yet, I can't imagine him dating anyone else. And that part is REALLY hard for me to understand.
I certainly don't want him. So the only thing I can figure out is that part of me, somewhere is still so angry at him that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be alone and miserable so he will understand what it felt like to be me for all of those years.
And I realize that's not healthy. Which is why I'm writing about it here. But there it is. My self diagnosis. I want him to get it... and I'm wasting my energy. Because I don't think he ever will.
For awhile I was sure that I loved him.
Then I was sure I never loved him.
There was a period that I thought perhaps I loved him but just wasn't "in love" with him any more.
Now, I just don't know.
How can it be that hard to know if you love someone or not? How am I ever going to know if I love someone new if I can't even figure this out?
Earlier this week I was back to the I know I loved him once. And somewhere, I think that might have been true. Back when we were both teenagers before all of the anger and the hurt feelings, and bad memories. Way back when, I think I did love him.
But now, the way I feel about him is VERY hard to describe. I talked to him this morning. I loathe talking to him. I loathe seeing him. It makes my skin crawl. Yet, I can't imagine him dating anyone else. And that part is REALLY hard for me to understand.
I certainly don't want him. So the only thing I can figure out is that part of me, somewhere is still so angry at him that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be alone and miserable so he will understand what it felt like to be me for all of those years.
And I realize that's not healthy. Which is why I'm writing about it here. But there it is. My self diagnosis. I want him to get it... and I'm wasting my energy. Because I don't think he ever will.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I'm Back
I was sitting in a restaurant today and this song came on the radio. I think that at some point, early on in my recovery someone shared this with me but it had sort of gotten lost among all of the other pieces. Then suddenly there it was again and there I was again, right back in that place, sitting in the middle of the restaurant, fighting back tears.
For me, that was the defining moment that told me I needed to be back here.... QUICKLY. Within 2 hours I was back in a deep dark place again struggling to keep my head above water. It was like it all came flooding back.
Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that I never loved him. That the past 12 years was something I was going to just sweep under the rug as a bad decision. I was wrong. I spent 12 years of my life defining who I was by who he was. I still don't know if I loved him, but I needed him. I won't put all the lyrics out here but I will put the chorus, the one thing that makes me want to scream out to the heavens and pound my fists in anger. The one reason that I felt so certain that I needed to leave:
Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
Because him and I together were toxic. Whether we loved each other or not didn't matter. I now know that I can't define myself by someone else. I need to figure out who I am and what I am so that when I decide I am in love with another man it will be because I love him... not because I need him.
Why Do I Go Back?
I know sometimes people question my continued need for Al-anon and are confused as to why I keep attending since DH is gone. I have been thinking about it and I thought I would share this with you so that maybe it would help you understand.
************************************************
From my Courage to Change Al-anon book:
Newcommers are often surprised at the number of years longtime members have been attending Al-anon meetings. They may be even more surprised that some of us have sobriety in our homes, or no longer have any alcoholics in our lives. Why do we keep coming back? For many of us the answer is "serenity."
Sometimes I get impatient, or rebellious, or bored. I go through periods where I see little change in myself, and I begin to doubt. But even after many years of Al-Anon recovery, if I miss too many meetings, things seem to become unmanageable all over again. I have been affected by someone else 's drinking. I don't want to underestimate the lasting impact that alcoholism has had on me. So I keep coming back.
I came to Al-anon for a quick fix for my pain, but I stay because of the consistency, security, and friendship I fine each day. Because of my commitment to my own growth, I am able to handle very difficult situations with a great deal of peace, and the delight in my life continues to exceed my wildest dreams.
Today 's Reminder
I see my recovery as a healthy way of life that I can gladly share with others. Today I am actively pursuing a better life because I am working on myself.
***************************************************
So really, I go because it took me 12 years to get to this place and it might take me 12 years to emerge on the other side. If anyone thinks that my recovery happened when DH moved out they are wrong.
If you were to come to a meeting with me you would see that I don't talk about DH there. I talk about my inability to trust men, my insecurities with certain aspects of my life, etc. All things that may, or may not have existed before DH, but were certainly made worse by 12 years in a bad situation.
I think anyone who gets out of a relationship, friendship, or parent/child relationship with someone with alcoholism is sadly mistaken if they think the baggage goes away. It doesn't. You can only shove it down so far, but if you look, it is still there waiting for you. I go so I can make it go away forever. So when I look down that deep dark hole it is empty not filled with pain.
Still to this day I can not look at a picture of the Munchkin from the first 9 weeks of his life without a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because when I look at them I don't see the memory I see the, DH was missing, DH was off doing this, etc. I want that to stop.
I also still have flashbacks, had one today which is what started me thinking about writing this post. They are fewer and farther between but they are just as real, just as scary and just as much of a reminder of how far I still have to go.
Secondly, I go because now that I am starting to come out on the other side of all of the pain and confusion I am able to help people.
To show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I have been there, I've been to hell and back and you can get to the other side.
Without longtime people sticking around who would help those who are new to the program? The long time AA people are the ones who help the newcomers, and it is the same in Al-anon.
I said it when I gave my life story and I will say it again here. Al-anon saved my life.
************************************************
From my Courage to Change Al-anon book:
Newcommers are often surprised at the number of years longtime members have been attending Al-anon meetings. They may be even more surprised that some of us have sobriety in our homes, or no longer have any alcoholics in our lives. Why do we keep coming back? For many of us the answer is "serenity."
Sometimes I get impatient, or rebellious, or bored. I go through periods where I see little change in myself, and I begin to doubt. But even after many years of Al-Anon recovery, if I miss too many meetings, things seem to become unmanageable all over again. I have been affected by someone else 's drinking. I don't want to underestimate the lasting impact that alcoholism has had on me. So I keep coming back.
I came to Al-anon for a quick fix for my pain, but I stay because of the consistency, security, and friendship I fine each day. Because of my commitment to my own growth, I am able to handle very difficult situations with a great deal of peace, and the delight in my life continues to exceed my wildest dreams.
Today 's Reminder
I see my recovery as a healthy way of life that I can gladly share with others. Today I am actively pursuing a better life because I am working on myself.
***************************************************
So really, I go because it took me 12 years to get to this place and it might take me 12 years to emerge on the other side. If anyone thinks that my recovery happened when DH moved out they are wrong.
If you were to come to a meeting with me you would see that I don't talk about DH there. I talk about my inability to trust men, my insecurities with certain aspects of my life, etc. All things that may, or may not have existed before DH, but were certainly made worse by 12 years in a bad situation.
I think anyone who gets out of a relationship, friendship, or parent/child relationship with someone with alcoholism is sadly mistaken if they think the baggage goes away. It doesn't. You can only shove it down so far, but if you look, it is still there waiting for you. I go so I can make it go away forever. So when I look down that deep dark hole it is empty not filled with pain.
Still to this day I can not look at a picture of the Munchkin from the first 9 weeks of his life without a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because when I look at them I don't see the memory I see the, DH was missing, DH was off doing this, etc. I want that to stop.
I also still have flashbacks, had one today which is what started me thinking about writing this post. They are fewer and farther between but they are just as real, just as scary and just as much of a reminder of how far I still have to go.
Secondly, I go because now that I am starting to come out on the other side of all of the pain and confusion I am able to help people.
To show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I have been there, I've been to hell and back and you can get to the other side.
Without longtime people sticking around who would help those who are new to the program? The long time AA people are the ones who help the newcomers, and it is the same in Al-anon.
I said it when I gave my life story and I will say it again here. Al-anon saved my life.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Bump in the Road
My sister was in an accident. My healing must take a back seat right now to hers. When she is well I will return here and continue writing. I just wanted you to know where I have gone.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Acceptance
I lead a meeting last night and it finally dawned on me that the reason I've been struggling so much for the past two weeks all comes down to acceptance. In fact a lot of my problems in life have also come down to acceptance.
Accepting a situation for what it is and then deciding what to do about it. It is no more or no less it just is. For a long time I have struggled with food. I have a love/hate relationship with food. For awhile I didn't eat. Now I do but I eat certain things, sometimes LOTS of certain things.
A friend and I tried to do a healthy living challenge and as part of what I was supposed to do she tried to modify my meals. I shut down. I couldn't do it. I simply refused to participate because what I found happening was instead of letting someone control what I was eating I simply didn't eat at all. Which is not going to help me do anything but get more ill.
Yet, if I accept my body for the way it is, the way it will be, just as it is then I can start making some changes to my life without worrying if my body ever changes at all. If it does, great, if it doesn't, fine... I've accepted what it is.
For me, coming here and admitting to you that I may, or may not have had or still do have a mental health issue was the first step. Truly accepting it myself is an entirely different battle. Finally, last night I came to a conclusion.
It changes nothing.
I am no different than I was yesterday because I admit this. My life doesn't change unless I want it to and will never change unless I accept it just as it is first.
Then I found this video and I think more than anything it sums up what I was feeling and helps me to know that once I accept that I'm alright the way I am, I will find happiness whether anything changes or not.
Accepting a situation for what it is and then deciding what to do about it. It is no more or no less it just is. For a long time I have struggled with food. I have a love/hate relationship with food. For awhile I didn't eat. Now I do but I eat certain things, sometimes LOTS of certain things.
A friend and I tried to do a healthy living challenge and as part of what I was supposed to do she tried to modify my meals. I shut down. I couldn't do it. I simply refused to participate because what I found happening was instead of letting someone control what I was eating I simply didn't eat at all. Which is not going to help me do anything but get more ill.
Yet, if I accept my body for the way it is, the way it will be, just as it is then I can start making some changes to my life without worrying if my body ever changes at all. If it does, great, if it doesn't, fine... I've accepted what it is.
For me, coming here and admitting to you that I may, or may not have had or still do have a mental health issue was the first step. Truly accepting it myself is an entirely different battle. Finally, last night I came to a conclusion.
It changes nothing.
I am no different than I was yesterday because I admit this. My life doesn't change unless I want it to and will never change unless I accept it just as it is first.
Then I found this video and I think more than anything it sums up what I was feeling and helps me to know that once I accept that I'm alright the way I am, I will find happiness whether anything changes or not.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Are you there Internet? It's Me
Hey, anyone out there? So, two weeks ago I put up part two of my story and then I got a comment, something that shut me down and made me take a step back and do some more evaluating of my life.
About two or three months ago on a blog I read a woman posted about having a disorder. A post that hit all to close to home with me. I read it, re-read it and then tried to force it from my mind. Two weeks ago I invited her here. I'm not sure if she was the one who put up the comment I got (maybe others think I'm crazy too) but it was the reminder I needed that I needed to evaluate my life a little more. (As if all of this hasn't been enough.) So I took a break.
What she posted was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
About two or three months ago on a blog I read a woman posted about having a disorder. A post that hit all to close to home with me. I read it, re-read it and then tried to force it from my mind. Two weeks ago I invited her here. I'm not sure if she was the one who put up the comment I got (maybe others think I'm crazy too) but it was the reminder I needed that I needed to evaluate my life a little more. (As if all of this hasn't been enough.) So I took a break.
What she posted was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., ....eating disorders.. )
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
- Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Even now reading that list makes my breath catch in my chest. I am, for those of you who have ever met me in real life, a very large realist. I do not like labels and I do not, EVER want to be sick or be labeled as having ANYTHING. But this thing, I can't run from it.
Those numbers up there, those were me. Up until about two months ago every one of them fit me to a tee. In the reading I have been doing it seems to indicate that people can outgrow these things or learn to manage them. I think that's what Al-anon and this place have done for me. I don't feel empty any more. I don't feel worthless. Last night I climbed out onto my roof and cleaned out my own gutters. I am woman... hear me roar. :-)
But I do have to tell you that almost every day, I self talk. There are days that I barely make it and days that I do much better. I have HORRIBLE... HORRIBLE impulsivity. If I think of something I want or think I need I will just run out and get it or do it. That one I still battle, some days successfully, some days not.
I won't even touch on number 8 because it is a side of me that I loathe. I'm a horrible, horrible angry person. DH may have been the violent one but if he wouldn't have been bigger than me it would have been me. For a LONG time there was such a rage in me that after the Munchkin was born it scared me terribly. That is when I knew I had to get a handle on it. And that is when it changed. Now, he can scream and scream and act horribly in public and it hardly even phases me.
Abandonment is my other crutch. I have more pages to write and more stories to tell but you are going to understand here very shortly that a lot of the reason I stayed in the relationship I did was because it was better than being alone. Because the thought of being alone terrified me more than anything I can ever imagine.
Just recently I started dating again. We are taking things VERY slowly, especially since the divorce is not even final yet, but there are days that I step back and have to give myself a reality check. I NEVER, EVER want to be with someone again simply because I don't want to be alone. I think for me that's why it's so important that we don't see each other every day, or every other day. So that I know that I'm dating him because I like him and not just because I think I need him.
This post has been two weeks in the making. Two weeks worth of wondering if I am strong enough to admit that for awhile I was very ill. For a long while I was just as ill as DH and now, ever so slowly I'm coming out on the other side. I'm taking back my life and I guess for me, admitting that here is kind of freeing.
Hey world... I was crazy... but I'm getting better and if I can do it... ANYONE can do it.!!
The story of M
On the 18th of April I came home from a friends house late on Saturday night. Tax season was over, DH had moved out a month and a half earlier and been in jail for a month at this point having just been released a few days earlier.
I was bored and wide awake and decided to e-mail a friend of her husband's that she had told me about and also to join an Internet dating site. It was just for fun I told myself. Even though I was still in the process of the divorce I figured it would take awhile to meet anyone and as far as I was concerned I had technically been divorced for MUCH longer anyway. DH and I had never recovered from the incident on March 20, 2007 and I had basically been alone since then.
Every night that week I would come home from work and jump on-line to see if anyone had messaged me or to message "eye contacts" to people. On the 22nd, only 4 days after I had started looking I saw M's profile and sent him a note.
He sent me one back and we started sending messages through the site. However, D, my friend's friend, had also begun talking to me. I'm not so great with more than one guy at a time and since D was someone I knew in real life and M was just in the computer I sort of stopped messaging M. On the 25th, I know only 3 days later... what can I say... I have that affect on people..... he sent me a follow up asking if I wanted to keep chatting or not.
Thinking I needed to perhaps not put all my eggs in one basket I gave him my personal e-mail and we e-mailed back and forth for the next couple of days. On the 27th I sent him my last message and he just disappeared.
D was coming to visit me on the 30th so I figured just as well and never really followed up to see where he went. D came and visited me, we chatted one more time on the phone a few days later and then things sort of went South from there. I think the general gyst of it was that my past was a bit too much for him to handle. So on the 5th I sent him one last farewell e-mail.
And because I am a firm believer in fate, on the 6th I went to my personal e-mail and there was a message from M. He had apparently had a problem with his e-mail and was not able to access any messages for a week and a half. So... he didn't know that I hadn't tried to locate him, just that he hadn't been able to e-mail me back.
And the rest, shall we say is history. Shortly after that we exchanged phone numbers but have never once talked on the phone. We text. EVERY day. Never missed a day and never less than 5 - 6 times a day. There was one Saturday we started at 1:00 in the afternoon and I had to stop at 9:00 PM when my phone battery went dead.
We had our first date on May 20th and it lasted until 3:00 AM. It was amazing. I have seen him several times since then and I truly believe he has helped me to realize that I can have and definitely deserve better than what I was putting up with.
I struggle with him whether I'm going too quickly. I'm not divorced yet but at the same time don't feel like DH and I ever really recovered from his infidelity before he left for treatment. I guess for me it comes down to the fact that when I told him I was done I was just DONE. I had done all of my grieving before that point and at that point I was just done, moving on. So for me I feel like all of the time I needed to devote to getting over DH was done before he ever really left and now... now I'm just ready to be happy again.
So, who knows where M and I will go. I'm not in love with him but I could see myself getting there. He has not met the Munchkin and will not meet him until the divorce is final and until he decides that he wants to be in our lives for a lot longer than just awhile. Munchkin already has an absentee father figure. He does not need another one.
For now, I'm just enjoying being with someone who truly lets me be me. He knows everything that has happened and has never shied away from any of it. He treats me like a queen and I gotta tell you after 12 years of being treated like the servant girl it's pretty nice to be brought up out of the dungeon.
I was bored and wide awake and decided to e-mail a friend of her husband's that she had told me about and also to join an Internet dating site. It was just for fun I told myself. Even though I was still in the process of the divorce I figured it would take awhile to meet anyone and as far as I was concerned I had technically been divorced for MUCH longer anyway. DH and I had never recovered from the incident on March 20, 2007 and I had basically been alone since then.
Every night that week I would come home from work and jump on-line to see if anyone had messaged me or to message "eye contacts" to people. On the 22nd, only 4 days after I had started looking I saw M's profile and sent him a note.
He sent me one back and we started sending messages through the site. However, D, my friend's friend, had also begun talking to me. I'm not so great with more than one guy at a time and since D was someone I knew in real life and M was just in the computer I sort of stopped messaging M. On the 25th, I know only 3 days later... what can I say... I have that affect on people..... he sent me a follow up asking if I wanted to keep chatting or not.
Thinking I needed to perhaps not put all my eggs in one basket I gave him my personal e-mail and we e-mailed back and forth for the next couple of days. On the 27th I sent him my last message and he just disappeared.
D was coming to visit me on the 30th so I figured just as well and never really followed up to see where he went. D came and visited me, we chatted one more time on the phone a few days later and then things sort of went South from there. I think the general gyst of it was that my past was a bit too much for him to handle. So on the 5th I sent him one last farewell e-mail.
And because I am a firm believer in fate, on the 6th I went to my personal e-mail and there was a message from M. He had apparently had a problem with his e-mail and was not able to access any messages for a week and a half. So... he didn't know that I hadn't tried to locate him, just that he hadn't been able to e-mail me back.
And the rest, shall we say is history. Shortly after that we exchanged phone numbers but have never once talked on the phone. We text. EVERY day. Never missed a day and never less than 5 - 6 times a day. There was one Saturday we started at 1:00 in the afternoon and I had to stop at 9:00 PM when my phone battery went dead.
We had our first date on May 20th and it lasted until 3:00 AM. It was amazing. I have seen him several times since then and I truly believe he has helped me to realize that I can have and definitely deserve better than what I was putting up with.
I struggle with him whether I'm going too quickly. I'm not divorced yet but at the same time don't feel like DH and I ever really recovered from his infidelity before he left for treatment. I guess for me it comes down to the fact that when I told him I was done I was just DONE. I had done all of my grieving before that point and at that point I was just done, moving on. So for me I feel like all of the time I needed to devote to getting over DH was done before he ever really left and now... now I'm just ready to be happy again.
So, who knows where M and I will go. I'm not in love with him but I could see myself getting there. He has not met the Munchkin and will not meet him until the divorce is final and until he decides that he wants to be in our lives for a lot longer than just awhile. Munchkin already has an absentee father figure. He does not need another one.
For now, I'm just enjoying being with someone who truly lets me be me. He knows everything that has happened and has never shied away from any of it. He treats me like a queen and I gotta tell you after 12 years of being treated like the servant girl it's pretty nice to be brought up out of the dungeon.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Meeting DH
I'm linking to a series of posts I wrote about this a few months ago. At the time I posted them back in 1996 so I'll link to them here so I don't have to write them all out again.
Could it be?
First Impression
First "Date"
09/08/96
Bonfire
Homecoming
Going Out
09/17/96
Could it be?
First Impression
First "Date"
09/08/96
Bonfire
Homecoming
Going Out
09/17/96
My Story (Pt. 2)
After school started in the fall of 1996 I met the boy who would become my husband and also the alcoholic that brought me to Al-anon. (Yet not for 11 more years) Of course with in a month and a half I was madly in love with him so when I found out that he had been lying to me, using drugs and drinking, I was already so stuck in the things can be changed pattern that I just fell right into trying to help him. I was the 4.0 student who had never been in trouble and he became my “project” although if you would have asked me at the time I would have told you that I stayed with him because I loved him and we were going to make it work. (Coincidentally that is the same answer that I would continue to give for the next 12 1/2 years)
In December he was sent to his first treatment facility and this was the first time in our relationship that I started focusing on sobriety days. My alcoholic was not working a program at the time so I was trying to work one for him. After a couple of months, I realized that his sobriety wasn't really sobriety and our relationship started falling apart. He would do something and I would swear this was the last chance. Next time I would leave. And then the next thing would happen and I would stay. Making some excuse, some reason I couldn't leave.
I even gave up the one thing I had been holding onto all this time just to try to keep him with me but it didn't work. We fought, we broke up, we got back together again, we fought some more, rinse and repeat.
By, my senior year it was time to pick a college. I had always wanted to be a lawyer and had every intention of going to law school but the colleges that I was looking at for my undergrad seemed so far away. I began making choices that would keep me closer to home so that I could hold onto my relationship instead of the choices that were necessarily best for my future.
It was also during my senior year that I started trying to “buy” his love. For some reason I thought if the gift was bigger and better he would love me more. I continued this trend throughout all of our dating years and even into our marriage. Almost nothing was out of reach and the gifts just kept getting more and more expensive and we kept getting more and more into debt.
Meanwhile, through all of this, my diary is filled with thoughts of I can't loose him. I have to do this so he doesn't leave, I need to focus on that. All the while, writing on the next page I can't do this any more. I want to leave but I can't, when is enough enough, etc.
My trying to control him started that first year of our relationship. By some time in college I remember that my controlling went horribly wrong. He moved into an apartment with me and a friend of mine and I was trying to keep him from going out with friends. We got into an argument, I tried to take his keys and it got physical. No punches were thrown but there was plenty of pushing and the police were called. It was a this point that he was charged with his first domestic and he moved out.
Eventually, through some lying on my part, the charges were dropped and within a couple of months we were back together again however we continued to argue and fight and things continued to be somewhat physical. I was willing to let a man do just about anything to me as long as he didn't leave me.
A year or so later we were still together but no longer living together when when I found out I had gotten an STD from him. We broke up again but we never really severed ties. I still spoke to him on the phone once a week and we even tried to rectify our relationship a couple of times. It didn't work and we ended up broken up for the longest stretch in our relationship, about four or five months. During that time, I tried to date other people but inevitably ended up still talking about my alcoholic. Since I was still “in love” with him, sometime in March of the following year we got back together.
At the time I thought he was using but I didn't have anything to prove it so I decided that if I couldn't prove it he must be straight. Instead of trusting my gut instinct I stuffed it down and tried to justify what was in front of me. Until, of course, justification was no longer possible.
I was working as an intern when I got a call from his Grandma. She was very distraught as she told me he had been arrested the previous night. The arrest was a big one and we were pretty convinced that he might have to serve some jail time, especially when there was one more arrest over the summer. Finally, towards the fall it seemed like things started moving in a positive direction. He started working steadily and we decided after I graduated we would move in together. My theory on this was that it was his home life that was making him act the way he was. If I moved in with him then he would be with me and we would be happy and then he would want to stay home instead of going out all the time.
In December he was sent to his first treatment facility and this was the first time in our relationship that I started focusing on sobriety days. My alcoholic was not working a program at the time so I was trying to work one for him. After a couple of months, I realized that his sobriety wasn't really sobriety and our relationship started falling apart. He would do something and I would swear this was the last chance. Next time I would leave. And then the next thing would happen and I would stay. Making some excuse, some reason I couldn't leave.
I even gave up the one thing I had been holding onto all this time just to try to keep him with me but it didn't work. We fought, we broke up, we got back together again, we fought some more, rinse and repeat.
By, my senior year it was time to pick a college. I had always wanted to be a lawyer and had every intention of going to law school but the colleges that I was looking at for my undergrad seemed so far away. I began making choices that would keep me closer to home so that I could hold onto my relationship instead of the choices that were necessarily best for my future.
It was also during my senior year that I started trying to “buy” his love. For some reason I thought if the gift was bigger and better he would love me more. I continued this trend throughout all of our dating years and even into our marriage. Almost nothing was out of reach and the gifts just kept getting more and more expensive and we kept getting more and more into debt.
Meanwhile, through all of this, my diary is filled with thoughts of I can't loose him. I have to do this so he doesn't leave, I need to focus on that. All the while, writing on the next page I can't do this any more. I want to leave but I can't, when is enough enough, etc.
My trying to control him started that first year of our relationship. By some time in college I remember that my controlling went horribly wrong. He moved into an apartment with me and a friend of mine and I was trying to keep him from going out with friends. We got into an argument, I tried to take his keys and it got physical. No punches were thrown but there was plenty of pushing and the police were called. It was a this point that he was charged with his first domestic and he moved out.
Eventually, through some lying on my part, the charges were dropped and within a couple of months we were back together again however we continued to argue and fight and things continued to be somewhat physical. I was willing to let a man do just about anything to me as long as he didn't leave me.
A year or so later we were still together but no longer living together when when I found out I had gotten an STD from him. We broke up again but we never really severed ties. I still spoke to him on the phone once a week and we even tried to rectify our relationship a couple of times. It didn't work and we ended up broken up for the longest stretch in our relationship, about four or five months. During that time, I tried to date other people but inevitably ended up still talking about my alcoholic. Since I was still “in love” with him, sometime in March of the following year we got back together.
At the time I thought he was using but I didn't have anything to prove it so I decided that if I couldn't prove it he must be straight. Instead of trusting my gut instinct I stuffed it down and tried to justify what was in front of me. Until, of course, justification was no longer possible.
I was working as an intern when I got a call from his Grandma. She was very distraught as she told me he had been arrested the previous night. The arrest was a big one and we were pretty convinced that he might have to serve some jail time, especially when there was one more arrest over the summer. Finally, towards the fall it seemed like things started moving in a positive direction. He started working steadily and we decided after I graduated we would move in together. My theory on this was that it was his home life that was making him act the way he was. If I moved in with him then he would be with me and we would be happy and then he would want to stay home instead of going out all the time.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Let's Start at the Very Beginning....
Hi, my name is Me and I am a grateful member of Al-anon. I've heard people say the way they got grateful was they married an alcoholic. For me, I'm not so sure that is the case. He got me here... and for that I am grateful, but the real reason I am so grateful for this program is I truly believe that is saved my life.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
The Story
On Tuesday I told my story at an Al-anon meeting in my area. That is where I have been for the last month or so. Every bit of myself was poured into that speech and in the end, after speaking for 45 minutes I felt better about my life than I had in a long time.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Overly Sensitive?
This morning DH called. He called at 7:25 after I specifically told him to call between 6:45 - 7:15 but that's not the point I'm trying to make, just the my own annoyance.
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Middle of the Night...
I didn't call him but I did e-mail him at 3:48am after I couldn't go back to sleep.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
3:00 A.M.
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Aftermath....
Things are starting to get pretty awful here and I'm really struggling not to go over to DH's mom's house and just beat him down with a great big stick.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
Monday, April 20, 2009
News on the Home Front
Ok, this is going to be long. Get your coffee or your tea or whatever it is that you drink and settle in for a long ride. You might want to get yourself into some comfy pants because this could take awhile.
Here goes nothing.....
Well I sort of stopped as abruptly as I began with the one day at a time posts so I'm going to try to fill in the last month as best as I can. The 12th was my last post, and for good reason. That night DH was "working late" and couldn't come over. The 13th he was supposed to come over before work but refused to come because he was "tired." That is, of course, until the Munchkin threw the fit of all fits in the morning.
He wouldn't get out of his crib. Just cried and begged for daddy. So I broke down. I called him about 6:15 and I lost it. I told him I couldn't do this, I couldn't listen to our son cry for his daddy and he needed to start showing the f$%^ up. So he came. In hindsight this was a bad move on my call. But what is that saying... hindsight is 20/20??
So he came, and the Munchkin was THRILLED!! And then he left to go to work. Only he had to stop by his apartment first and then he had to drink coffee and go to the bathroom and spin around 5 times and jump up and down and pat his head and rub his tummy and who the hell else knows what because stopping, changing shoes and being ON TIME to work was apparently too difficult.
When he finally did make it to work they fired him. When he called me, it was my fault. He was fired because he was late and it was all my fault that he was late because he was over visiting the Munchkin. Of course it couldn't' have been the fact that he was late 5 - 10 times previously in the two weeks before that. Or the fact that he was not doing anything unless he was directly supervised. Or the fact that he was on his cell phone 24/7 (I called his boss). Nope it was all because I made him come and see his son.
He was hostile and irrational and threatening to go to his apartment and get his gun and go back and shoot everyone. Again... ding, ding, ding... warning signs that perhaps he was sinking farther down than I thought. But, I had seen this side of DH before when he was angry. I'd seen him act stupid and irrational sober so I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Eventually he calmed down, went back to his apartment and took a nap. Exactly what I would do if I had just been fired. Why look for another job when sleeping seems like such a grand option....
Next thing you know Saturday rolls around. He had a counseling appointment and then he called me to tell me how it went and to ask me to call him when the Munchkin got up so he could come over. I call him after nap time and he shows up about 2:45 with McDonald's. Because after one has been fired it makes perfect sense to eat out doesn't it??
It just went down hill from there. He was downstairs with the Munchkin when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.
I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.
Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset the Munchkin if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took the Munchkin away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.
Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point the Munchkin was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to the Munchkin and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.
Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was the Munchkin. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.
It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.
I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone. I locked the door behind him and I called 911. I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know the Munchkin was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.
After I hung up with them I called a friend of mine. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came. In hindsight probably better he didn't come, he might have killed DH.
After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.
My friend showed up first, then the police, then my parents. Pictures were taken, the story was told, the report was made. He was stopped about 5 miles away and taken into custody. Then began the job of picking up the pieces. The mess was easier to clean up than the rest.
I will never fully be able to tell you what it feels like to hear a two year old tell that story but I can tell you it was and is heart breaking. I have been in domestic situations before. This is not new to me. I have lied for him before. I truly believe the biggest reason that I can not and will not lie for him any more is because I heard that story told through the eyes of the most perfect creature I've ever met.
In his words... "Daddy was loud" (He put his hands over his ears), "Daddy breaked his glass," "Daddy spilled his water," "Daddy maked a mess... Gampa come and clean it up."
For two weeks I held him and promised him that what Daddy did was very naughty and he would be in time out for awhile and that I would never... EVER let this happen to him again. Five weeks later, I think he's starting to forget. I hope in another five weeks it is all just a fleeting memory.
As for me, this was actually one of the least scary of his attacks if you can believe that one. More devastating only in the fact that the Munchkin was a witness. What has been harder on me has been the after effects.
The last five weeks have been a roller coaster of phone calls from FIL, MIL & Grandmother-in-law (GMIL). It started off with the everyone goes through this. Don't think you are the first person to have this happen. Really... cuz I don't seem to remember my parents throwing things at each other's heads... perhaps I blocked that out....
Then it moved into the he is so miserable in there. We must bail him out. Oh wooo is him... poor DH. Then on to the charges are trumped up. He would NEVER hurt you or the Munchkin. He was just mad and he threw things. He didn't mean to hurt you.
Moving quickly into, you need to drop the charges... can't... sorry, not my charges.. the state's charges.
So on to, are you sure you are done with him? Can't he come back home? Can't you two make it work? Can't you be a family again?
Then back into, the charges are over blown, it didn't happen like you said, and my latest favorite, I would like to come over and have you walk me through everything that happened so that you can show me because I just can't believe if the Munchkin was at the bottom of the stairs he wouldn't have been cut.
Perhaps don't focus on what you can't believe happened, because it happened. I have pictures. Instead focus on how much force did he have to put behind that plastic glass for it to shatter a picture frame into a million pieces? How much force did he have to put behind that 10 - 15 lb laundry detergent container for it to go clear across the room and hit the wall and explode?
Why not just say that someone was watching out for the safety of my little boy and someone above was sending me a message. Get out now... he's capable of much worse.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm getting the F&^% out. I met with DHS tonight and I think this post is long enough in and of it's self so I will save that one for tomorrow. Let's just leave it at she is sufficiently PISSED OFF!! (Not at me... at him...)
Here goes nothing.....
Well I sort of stopped as abruptly as I began with the one day at a time posts so I'm going to try to fill in the last month as best as I can. The 12th was my last post, and for good reason. That night DH was "working late" and couldn't come over. The 13th he was supposed to come over before work but refused to come because he was "tired." That is, of course, until the Munchkin threw the fit of all fits in the morning.
He wouldn't get out of his crib. Just cried and begged for daddy. So I broke down. I called him about 6:15 and I lost it. I told him I couldn't do this, I couldn't listen to our son cry for his daddy and he needed to start showing the f$%^ up. So he came. In hindsight this was a bad move on my call. But what is that saying... hindsight is 20/20??
So he came, and the Munchkin was THRILLED!! And then he left to go to work. Only he had to stop by his apartment first and then he had to drink coffee and go to the bathroom and spin around 5 times and jump up and down and pat his head and rub his tummy and who the hell else knows what because stopping, changing shoes and being ON TIME to work was apparently too difficult.
When he finally did make it to work they fired him. When he called me, it was my fault. He was fired because he was late and it was all my fault that he was late because he was over visiting the Munchkin. Of course it couldn't' have been the fact that he was late 5 - 10 times previously in the two weeks before that. Or the fact that he was not doing anything unless he was directly supervised. Or the fact that he was on his cell phone 24/7 (I called his boss). Nope it was all because I made him come and see his son.
He was hostile and irrational and threatening to go to his apartment and get his gun and go back and shoot everyone. Again... ding, ding, ding... warning signs that perhaps he was sinking farther down than I thought. But, I had seen this side of DH before when he was angry. I'd seen him act stupid and irrational sober so I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Eventually he calmed down, went back to his apartment and took a nap. Exactly what I would do if I had just been fired. Why look for another job when sleeping seems like such a grand option....
Next thing you know Saturday rolls around. He had a counseling appointment and then he called me to tell me how it went and to ask me to call him when the Munchkin got up so he could come over. I call him after nap time and he shows up about 2:45 with McDonald's. Because after one has been fired it makes perfect sense to eat out doesn't it??
It just went down hill from there. He was downstairs with the Munchkin when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.
I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.
Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset the Munchkin if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took the Munchkin away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.
Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point the Munchkin was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to the Munchkin and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.
Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was the Munchkin. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.
It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.
I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone. I locked the door behind him and I called 911. I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know the Munchkin was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.
After I hung up with them I called a friend of mine. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came. In hindsight probably better he didn't come, he might have killed DH.
After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.
My friend showed up first, then the police, then my parents. Pictures were taken, the story was told, the report was made. He was stopped about 5 miles away and taken into custody. Then began the job of picking up the pieces. The mess was easier to clean up than the rest.
I will never fully be able to tell you what it feels like to hear a two year old tell that story but I can tell you it was and is heart breaking. I have been in domestic situations before. This is not new to me. I have lied for him before. I truly believe the biggest reason that I can not and will not lie for him any more is because I heard that story told through the eyes of the most perfect creature I've ever met.
In his words... "Daddy was loud" (He put his hands over his ears), "Daddy breaked his glass," "Daddy spilled his water," "Daddy maked a mess... Gampa come and clean it up."
For two weeks I held him and promised him that what Daddy did was very naughty and he would be in time out for awhile and that I would never... EVER let this happen to him again. Five weeks later, I think he's starting to forget. I hope in another five weeks it is all just a fleeting memory.
As for me, this was actually one of the least scary of his attacks if you can believe that one. More devastating only in the fact that the Munchkin was a witness. What has been harder on me has been the after effects.
The last five weeks have been a roller coaster of phone calls from FIL, MIL & Grandmother-in-law (GMIL). It started off with the everyone goes through this. Don't think you are the first person to have this happen. Really... cuz I don't seem to remember my parents throwing things at each other's heads... perhaps I blocked that out....
Then it moved into the he is so miserable in there. We must bail him out. Oh wooo is him... poor DH. Then on to the charges are trumped up. He would NEVER hurt you or the Munchkin. He was just mad and he threw things. He didn't mean to hurt you.
Moving quickly into, you need to drop the charges... can't... sorry, not my charges.. the state's charges.
So on to, are you sure you are done with him? Can't he come back home? Can't you two make it work? Can't you be a family again?
Then back into, the charges are over blown, it didn't happen like you said, and my latest favorite, I would like to come over and have you walk me through everything that happened so that you can show me because I just can't believe if the Munchkin was at the bottom of the stairs he wouldn't have been cut.
Perhaps don't focus on what you can't believe happened, because it happened. I have pictures. Instead focus on how much force did he have to put behind that plastic glass for it to shatter a picture frame into a million pieces? How much force did he have to put behind that 10 - 15 lb laundry detergent container for it to go clear across the room and hit the wall and explode?
Why not just say that someone was watching out for the safety of my little boy and someone above was sending me a message. Get out now... he's capable of much worse.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm getting the F&^% out. I met with DHS tonight and I think this post is long enough in and of it's self so I will save that one for tomorrow. Let's just leave it at she is sufficiently PISSED OFF!! (Not at me... at him...)
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