Please Lord teach us to laugh again, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Censorship and Sh!t

So I made a mistake again today. Probably one of many. I posted something on my facebook status. A quote from Annie:

Will you sign!.... That's fine!..... The dotted line... Don't whine... You can't decline!... Just sign!... Sign!

At the time it crossed my mind that my SIL might read it. She is still my friend on facebook and I wasn't sure what she would think.

I should have known.

Even knowing all the hell he put me through, even knowing all the danger he put her nephew through, even witnessing some of the physical and mental abuse first hand she still, at the end of the day, sided with her brother. Or at least that's how it felt. Her comment:

Congrats! Hope everyone can be happy and still get along! Were happy for you both!

Happy for both of us?? Really, your asshole brother abandoned his family and you're happy for both of us? At the end of the day she doesn't have any more balls or ability to pick sides and stand up for what is right than her brother does.

And to add icing to my proverbial cake five minutes later her best friend got on and left this gem:

Congrats! 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Your not alone!

And so I'm torn. In a perfect world we would all be able to get along but as my friend so eloquently pointed out to me tonight when I called her to ask about this, this is not a perfect world. I have to be all or nothing because everything that I say, every mention I have of M, every time I am not with the Munchkin because I am out doing something else is going to be one more thing that one of them can take and try to use to make my life a living hell.

I have this blog. Thank GOD I have this blog but I also have my family blog. The place I started and the place I wanted to go back to when all of dust settled and now I'm not sure I can. They know that place. They have the blog address and the only thing to do would be to move it and start over. I don't want to do that.

So, regrettably I took down the status update on facebook. And whenever he signs the papers, which for the person who asked, yes he is just stalling because he is an ass.... I will unfriend everyone from DH's family. I don't know how else to do it. I want them to be in my life but I also need my space. I need to be able to be myself and not have them looking over my shoulder and judging me.

Why does this seriously have to be this hard? I am NOT into censorship. I want to be able to be open and honest with my life. I want to be able to just be happy and have them leave me alone. Is that too much to ask??

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ask anyone who's ever been in either a long term relationship that ended or a divorce. No one is friends with everyone. Everyone that you've ever known, will go back the way they started. All of his family will ALWAYS support him, no matter how bad the situation was with him. Friends tend to fall one way or the other as well.

With your situation it gets sticky because of Munchkin. You're pretty much going to be forced to deal with them for the next... I'd love to say (18 years-his age) but it isn't just until then.

Maybe SIL was sincere, especially if she has kids, because everyone will want him still to be a part of their family. They are, afterall, still family, even after the divorce. Even if you're with him 93% of the time, he's still their cousin, child, grandchild, nephew, etc. Even if Dad is only around 1/2 a day a week, if he stays on the right track it may turn out to be 2 weeks in the summer, 2 nights a week, every other weekend like most splits. Grandparents will still want to take all the grandkids to the zoo and to family events and holidays.

When he gets older and starts to understand, to be honest, it will only get worse. He's going to start asking ?'s and both families will need to be sure to give truthful answers that won't put him in the middle choosing sides. Especially when Grandpa calls and says 'Hey Munchkin you wanna go to the park with us' and you don't want him to, but he REALLY wants to go. Or you have a dinner planned and he comes home from football practice and tells you he's going to Dad's instead.

It is a long road. Depending on the path DH chooses for himself, there will probably be more custody hearings and changes that you or he will want to put into place. You're always going to feel hunted down. They'll always find a way to find out, regardless of the networking sites and blogs (Been there... Am there-who am I kidding!)

There will be honest outreaches to you from members of his family. Probably not the immediate family but maybe there's an Uncle that's very fond of your child. I still get that every now and then. There's only 1 uncle for us, and I know the rest of the family doesn't know, he's flat out told me that he doesn't tell them that he comes to see the kids because he doesn't want to get into the drama mess.

I'm sorry, I'm venting. That's all a big part of my life, but my youngest is the 14 year old coming home from football practice and wants to go to Dad's. It has gotten a little better (we divorced when Sean was 2). After the initial shock and all of the accusing and court battles were over, they stopped pressing SO hard. They're still there and I will still get random letters (Anonymous, but I'd recognize my ex-SIL's handwriting anywhere!) that ramble about something a friend of a friend heard or saw and how I'm a horrible person. I don't even open them anymore, but they come about twice a year. They'll settle down a little bit, but they'll never go away.

To be honest, be glad you have this blog. Every time I start over someone finds me somehow. I never even give out my site! They just find me! So I stopped and resort to reading about other people and venting in their comments now!

Long story short and to answer all of your questions. 1. Yes, it has to be this hard, especially when children are involved. 2. In you're defense, it shouldn't be too much to ask, but it is. Whether you like it or not your unionship is forever, just not in the form of marriage anymore! I hope he stops being an ass, signs the papers, doesn't throw you any curveballs in the process, and pray you get some peace!

Anonymous said...

I think that you took those comments the wrong way. As the sister of someone 'like' DH and having to deal with Ex's I can honestly say that I SERIOUSLY think that she meant what she said as far as I hope that you both are happy.

Honestly? That is all that you CAN hope for. I know that as the ex that went through all of the CRAP with him... all you want is for him to be is unhappy and wishing he had done better.... but what a better life you could have if everyone IS happy, and CAN get a long?

This divorce is better for everyone. not just you. It IS better that you and DH are no longer together. For him too.

I am sure that is tough to realize.

-k

Anonymous said...

I agree. She probably does want both of you to be happy. You were part of the family for so long and with a nephew in the mix she would want what's best for you. As for her brother, its the same thing. They are siblings. I obiously don't know everything that ever happened and when, but if you are letting DH see your son at all, it tells me he must be clean right now. I'm sure he has a lot of family backing in that state and the family is probably on his team for it to stay that way. In a lot of marriages, the marriage is just toxic and all parties involved may just be better off, and better people apart. Try not to view everything they say as negetive, as hard as it may be.

Aunt Becky said...

Hang in there. That's all that I can say.

LivingLifeBackwards said...

Alright I'm gonna say it. I saw the post from SIL and my first reaction was WTF?!?! What kind of BS is that to write, and I also saw the post about Congrats you're not alone and had the WTF reaction again. Glad to know it wasn't some friend of yours LOL. That shit would've pissed me off too. Unfriend them. It sucks but you are starting out fresh. If they want to be updated they know where the other blog is.