I was sitting in a restaurant today and this song came on the radio. I think that at some point, early on in my recovery someone shared this with me but it had sort of gotten lost among all of the other pieces. Then suddenly there it was again and there I was again, right back in that place, sitting in the middle of the restaurant, fighting back tears.
For me, that was the defining moment that told me I needed to be back here.... QUICKLY. Within 2 hours I was back in a deep dark place again struggling to keep my head above water. It was like it all came flooding back.
Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that I never loved him. That the past 12 years was something I was going to just sweep under the rug as a bad decision. I was wrong. I spent 12 years of my life defining who I was by who he was. I still don't know if I loved him, but I needed him. I won't put all the lyrics out here but I will put the chorus, the one thing that makes me want to scream out to the heavens and pound my fists in anger. The one reason that I felt so certain that I needed to leave:
Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
Because him and I together were toxic. Whether we loved each other or not didn't matter. I now know that I can't define myself by someone else. I need to figure out who I am and what I am so that when I decide I am in love with another man it will be because I love him... not because I need him.
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