I've been doing a lot of thinking about DH's and my relationship lately.
For awhile I was sure that I loved him.
Then I was sure I never loved him.
There was a period that I thought perhaps I loved him but just wasn't "in love" with him any more.
Now, I just don't know.
How can it be that hard to know if you love someone or not? How am I ever going to know if I love someone new if I can't even figure this out?
Earlier this week I was back to the I know I loved him once. And somewhere, I think that might have been true. Back when we were both teenagers before all of the anger and the hurt feelings, and bad memories. Way back when, I think I did love him.
But now, the way I feel about him is VERY hard to describe. I talked to him this morning. I loathe talking to him. I loathe seeing him. It makes my skin crawl. Yet, I can't imagine him dating anyone else. And that part is REALLY hard for me to understand.
I certainly don't want him. So the only thing I can figure out is that part of me, somewhere is still so angry at him that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be alone and miserable so he will understand what it felt like to be me for all of those years.
And I realize that's not healthy. Which is why I'm writing about it here. But there it is. My self diagnosis. I want him to get it... and I'm wasting my energy. Because I don't think he ever will.
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Please Lord teach us to laugh again, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried.
I am a daughter, a sister, an ex-wife, a mother, and a person trying to make sense of the journey that got her to this place called recovery.
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If your life has been affected by alcoholsim or addiction and you feel like you have something you want to write here feel free to e-mail it to me at neverforgetwecried{at}yahoo{dot}com.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
The Players
Munchkin = My son
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
2 comments:
I can understand the not wanting him to be happy... But I hope that you can get past that. How? I dunno... but strong feelings towards your 'ex' good or bad, is not what you want to be feling as you are moving into a new chapter of you life.
-k
It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Now that your marriage is over, it doesn't matter if you loved him or were in love with him. It doesn't matter if you remember why you married him or how those first few years in the honeymoon stage were. You probably did love him. It's probably better not remembering, because those emotions are over now, and dredging them up helps no one.
I completely understand you wanting to know so that you know what love is. But, do you know what? If you never had a marriage, how would you know then? You don't. You know what loving your parents and your family and your child is like. If/When you fell in love the first time, you didn't know that's what it was. But that had nothing to do with the falling apart of that love/marriage. You may not know right away next time either. From my experience, the love I know I had with the first one, wasn't the love I have now with my current family, and nothing can beat the love I have now. So again, it doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up. Don't focus on the past for something that makes no difference at all. It's just bound to bring up so many other things that just need to be left in the past.
Moving on with someone else is scary. You probably don't LOVE him now, but you definitely love the idea of having someone around. Male companionship definitely trumps just girlfriends. No doubt about it! You will know when you love him, regardless of past feelings.
As far as the ex... that's a hard one to grasp. I have an ex. Mind you, we didn't go what you went through, we were married about 2 1/2 years and frankly we were just too young to get married. Now, 7 years later, I'm remarried with a wonderful family. I know my ex has a new wife and kids as well. When I first found out, it bothered me, and to be honest I don't know why to this day. Part of me thought that if he couldn't make it work for me, why can he make it work with someone else... but that's not fair because I'm making it work with someone else. Part of me didn't want him to be happy again. I would joke in my head how ugly the new wife was and how his first born was one of those kids you say something like 'how precious' because you just can't call them cute. You just can't lie. But... those were lies. In my head, it made me feel better at the time. I also tried the -- oh yea, well now she gets to wipe up the missed-toilet pee and she has to deal with the poop stains in his underwear and she has to deal with spending habits well above his means. That's all true, she does. But, that's what people who are truly in love deal with and probably laugh about to each other. From my experience, the only cure for that is time. One day (when kids aren't around) and someone brings up his name, you'll want to be civil. You'll just want him to be able to move on too. It takes time. It sucks, but you'll get through it.
Keep your head up and just focus on your life and your happiness now. Focus on what might be turning into the love of your life. And if the new one isn't the one, there's other prospects. When it's love, you'll know. It's just our instincts.
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