I didn't call him but I did e-mail him at 3:48am after I couldn't go back to sleep.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
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6 comments:
What a terrible tough spot. I don't have any bright ideas, but of course you know I think about you and munchkin all the time and pray for peace for hte both of you.
-k
Does DHS know everything? Do they know all the information in your post from April 20th including that he was threatening to shoot people at work? These are some very, very serious things - he is not just your average guy who is upset because his wife no longer wants to be married to him. He is homicidal. I know these are strong words but when I read your posting on the 20th I became very, very scared for you. To be blunt - I became scared that you and Munchkin were going to be in the newspaper as a family that was killed before DH went and shot former co-workers. If DHS really knew every single last detail it blows my mind that they would allow DH to have anything other than court supervised visits with Munchkin.
Like I said before, I would stick with the simple, "Daddy is sick and we won't see him for awhile." Very matter of fact. When he cries for Daddy I would just pat his back and tell him, "I know, sweetie, you love Daddy SO much!" and validate his feelings.
Perhaps DHS can also refer you to some counselors who help parents know how to help their child who is undergoing separation from a parent?
What I had to do... as much as it killed me to see our daughter want her father... is leave him alone. While it is your responsibility as a mother to protect your child from harm and hurt and keep him happy and safe... it's not your responsibility to keep the father around. As much as I tried, DHS doesn't really do much unless he is somehow puting the child at risk. Emotional pain is apparently not in their realm. It killed me everytime she asked about her daddy and all I could say is 'Let's make sure to ask him that when you see him next ok?' At first she was a little too young for that, but eventually she did ask. Once or twice she would want to ask him NOW so I'd call his number and she would 'talk' to his voicemail as best she could. She would hear his voice and start with the Daddy? See Daddy? I know it pained him to hear it, because it helped him showing up a little bit, for a little while anyway. And now we haven't heard from him in almost 2 years except the child support checks when he can make one.
That's what worked for us. I hope you find something that works for you!
-B
Jennifer-
I can't help but feel like even though all these very serious and inappropiate things have come hurling out of DH's mouth....somehow....someway Heather still doesn't think he would REALLY do anything THAT serious!
I don't know that for certain; I can't speak for her but that is my guess!
That's what it sounds like to me... that Heather you aren't thinking this could REALLY happen to you. I'm sure that's what a lot of women that have been murdered told their friends too. It is your job to make sure DHS knows everything. It is your job to protect your son. You have to stop contacting DH. Let him screw it up, let him be held accountable by DHS. You need to worry about munchkin.
Heather, I can't even imagine how hard it is hard to hear people you care about saying these things, about DH and that there is still a part of you that wants to protect and defend that he could NEVER do anything to hurt you, Munchkin, or anyone else. It is not your job to defend him anymore. Please protect yourself and Munchkin. Just yesterday my Mom and I gave a ride home to one of her students (she works with troubled teens). He seemed like the nicest sweetest kid and asked what his story was - how he ended up in her program - it turns out that his father when they lived somewhere far away from here, strangled his mother - almost to the point of killing her but he, who was all of 6 at the time, called 911 and his mother was saved. The Domestic Abuse Shelter ended up buying this boy and his Mom one way plane tickets to our town where they moved and changed their names. He's doing okay but struggles with a lot of impulsivity and sudden anger. Please, share everything with DHS.
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