Day One

In an effort to fix my life and find some happiness I have to be accountable for some things. The only way to do that is to make a conscious effort to have some Al-anon in my life every day. To do that... I'm going to start writing.

This weekend... where do I start. Perhaps I need 3 posts for this. He left on Saturday night. Valentines day and I'm was alone at home while he was out getting high and trying to sell drugs. This all I found out this morning. I mean I knew he was using, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know he was selling until this morning.

So, my major problem of the day, how do I work the program when all I want to do is run in the other direction?

I feel so much like the program is telling me he has a disease, he needs help, take care of yourself, don't try to control him, etc. But no where does it tell me to run like hell!!

I hear of other people: My husband was drinking/using for a year when I was in the program. My husband is still drinking/using. What if I'm not ok with that? What if I don't care that he has a disease because he is an ugly awful person when he uses and I don't want to be around him. He's not violent, at least not right now. Which is a step above last time but I don't like who he is and I don't like who I am when he's like that.

On Saturday I handled it SOO much differently than before. He left and I didn't chase him down. I did try to call him a few times which was a futile attempt because he had already made up his mind to go out and nothing I said was going to get him to stop that.

But at 10:00 I locked the door, took the key, put my phone away and went to sleep. I called again at 6:30 the next morning. That is more than I would have done in the past but it still isn't making me happy. It makes me angry that I even have to do that. I hate the disease, but I'm also starting to hate the person too.