Day 5

Well, there is not a lot to report from yesterday. I called DH on the way home from work and he was still at work. I could hear the kid he works with in the background (and since I've met him I know his voice.)

He called me a little while later and told me he was on his way home. I went to the basement last night and found some remnants of toilet paper rolls with toilet paper in them and some other crap. I gathered it all up and threw it out. Something I never thought I would have to do again. Something that just solidifies this boundary I have drawn. I'm done. I'm never, ever doing that again.

Something for discussion today... this boundary. I fee like a fraud. Like I wasn't strong enough to kick him out so I am using this as my cop out. I know that if I don't do it this way I will never know and I will always question myself. This has to be the way it is done, at least for me, or else I will never know 100% that I made the right choice. That I gave him the option to leave or stay.

Still, it feels very much like I am defaulting to him again. I feel like I needed that one last chance to say see... I told you what would happen, I gave you a choice and you chose to go out and use again. I'm angry with myself that I couldn't just say enough is enough two weeks ago.

I don't regret this decision. I love DH and if he can get his shit together and we can go to counseling and fix our marriage I will be ecstatic. I'm just a little frustrated with my lack of being able to just do something. Just make a choice, not default to someone else to make that choice for me.

I guess that's something to work on... huh??