Please Lord teach us to laugh again, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Day 8

Sorry I'm a bit late in getting this posted. Yesterday started out with a fight about a candy bar and ended with DH threatening to pack his bags and then ultimately sleeping on the couch. How did we get here? How did we get to this place where we are irreversibly screwed up? And how, for the love of god, do we ever get out?

Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.

I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.

After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.

So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.

I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.

And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!

And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.

Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.

So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....