Day Four

Well, last night was pretty uneventful, except for the times I was convincing myself that the world was ending. I worked until 9:00 and he was supposed to go to a meeting from 7:30 - 8:30 so there was about an hour there from 8:00 - 9:00 where all I could think of was driving through the old neighborhoods to see if his car was at any of the drug houses.

At the end of the day, I'm not even sure if he went to the meeting, stayed home and slept on the couch, or went to one of their houses but was home early. I tried to call him a million times starting at like 8:45 and I did drive by the one house that is on my way home but when I got there at 9:30 he was at home, in bed and just about asleep.

This morning he took the test. It was positive for THC and possibly Cocaine. You are supposed to see a line if the test is negative (it is the opposite of a pregnancy test which is confusing) and it says right in the instructions if there is a line, no matter how faint, the test is negative. Well there were obvious lines for Opiates (bright red) and Meth & Amphetamines, light lines but lines none the less. But the Cocaine one was hard to read. I think there was a line there but I'm not sure.

So when I sent it to the lab I marked to have them check all the ones that were possible questions. The results won't be in for 7 - 10 business days and they only tell me positive or negative not what the levels are, but at least it is a start.

Then, he called me at 9:45 this morning crying and saying how he doesn't want to mess this up and he just really wants me to know how much he loves me and that he is going to fix this. My first thought when he called and was upset was that he was fired. He assured me that he was not and that he had just been working alone and was doing some thinking and wanted to call me.

I'm very conflicted about this. When he gets upset it takes down part of that defensive wall that I built up and it makes me see more of the person and less of the disease. I'm going to have a really hard time walking away from the person. The disease I could kick to the curb any day. However, I have set a boundary and I have to stick to it. If he messes up again, I need to be strong and not get sucked in by the fact that I feel sorry for him. I know this is hard for him, but at some point my feeling sorry for him and saying oh this is hard I'll forgive you again begins to be more of a hindrance on his getting well than a help.

So... there's where we are today. Still working towards the Saturday counseling appointment, still working on keeping my boundaries firmly in place.