Day Nine

I don't have a lot to write about yesterday, but a commitment is a commitment and so I owe you a daily report. Yesterday a friend of mine told me about a couple that we know in the program and that her husband had relapsed. After I heard about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept thinking how bad I felt for her and how I wish no one ever had to go through relapse.

Then last night I called DH on my way home, he said he was on his way from the job site and would try to be home to see Munchkin. When we got there at 6:00 he wasn't home so I called again, this time he was at the car wash (the second job that I'm questioning the sanity of...). Then I called again at 6:45 to basically see why it was that he hadn't shown up to see his son and then I just sort of had a bit of a break through.

It is not my job to make sure he shows up at home to see Munchkin. If he wants to work, or screw around, or whatever else and that takes away from his time with Munchkin that's not my problem. That is his problem. I am there every morning to kiss my little boy and take him to daycare and make funny faces at him so he won't cry when I leave.

I am there every night to pick him up from daycare. To see his face and listen to him cry at me because he doesn't want to go home just yet. He has things to do, toys to play with. I am there to see him when he looks up at me and says hold my hand mommy. Run? As we "run" through the parking lot.

I'm not missing ANY of that. I re-arranged my whole schedule to be there for every one of those moments and some times it sucks and I don't want to get out of bed at 4:30 or go up to my office at 8:00 and work some more but at the end of the day I did it so I didn't have to miss any of those moments and when he is all grown he will know that I was there.

If DH doesn't want to make those sacrifices for Munchkin or for me that is his choice and while I'm sad that is his choice I can not make it any different by calling him a million times or asking him when he will be home a bazillion times. The only thing that is doing is taking away from MY time for me and for my son. Sometime between the 3rd phone call and the drive to my meeting last night it just sort of smacked me in the head. I was letting HIM live my life for me and I need to live MY own life. I have been so afraid of the unknown when really the unknown is right in front of me. I am a single parent in a two parent household and I'm doing just fine. I get Munchkin to daycare, I get to work, I get him picked up, I arrange babysitters when I need to be gone. The only thing he is doing at this point is giving me some money and a lot of stress I don't need.

So I let go of it. When he went out with a guy from AA (or told me he did, he's asking him to be his new sponsor) last night after the meeting I went to bed. I didn't need to stay awake because he wasn't there. When I woke up at 11:00 and he still wasn't home I just repeated to myself over and over:

Do not let him live your life for you....

And I went back to sleep. Of course as soon as I fell back asleep he called to tell me he had a flat tire and his spare was crap and so he was getting a patch kit and fixing it but I just said ok and went back to sleep. And when he finally did get there, I didn't need to get up and ask him a million questions I just repeated to myself:

Do NOT let him live your life for you....

And then I went back to sleep.

Hopefully, today is a new day...