Day 6

DH was home by 4:30 yesterday and we went to our meeting last night as planned. On the way to our meeting I was trying to talk to him about why he is quitting and the answer I was getting sort of makes me nervous. The answer he gave me was that is the only way he can be in his little boy's life.

And while that is true, to some extent, if he is only quitting for Munchkin I'm afraid that it will be much like the last time in the fact that it won't "stick." So I tried to tell him that he needs to do this for himself. Because he knows it is the only way to have a normal life. Because he knows that the drug was ruling his life and he was not living his own life. That if Munchkin and I were gone tomorrow he would still want to be clean for those reasons.

I don't know if I made an impression or not. After our meeting we went to dinner and then home and once we were home there was more discussion. (Although I would have just preferred to go to bed.) He was upset and crying, telling me how he hates himself for what he has done and he just feels like maybe he should go away and not come back. I wasn't sure what to say.

Part of me feels like maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe we are too far gone to ever get back. But then another part of me feels like if he hates himself that much how can we ever know if we are ok as a couple until each of us is ok separately.

So about midnight we finally settled on going to the counselor today and each seeing our own counselor for our own sessions with the goal to find our who we are and what we want before we make any major decisions about our lives together.

This morning, he went to work and I went to work and he actually showed up before me to the counseling appointment. He was pretty honest with me during the counseling appointment including sharing a moment that I pretty much wish he wouldn't have.

Apparently at his dad's wedding his aunt did some cocaine with him. Now this was two and a half years ago, and before he went to treatment but it has been eating at me ever since I heard it. She was one of my biggest supporters when I committed him and while he was in treatment. She was the one calling telling him he needed to get his life straight, etc. Now I feel like she was a fraud. Like how can I ever look at her the same again?

DH begged me to never mention it to her. Told me that she was horribly embarrassed and that she had gotten drunk and let her guard down. He says if I ever mention it he will deny telling me and she will probably deny doing it. At this point I think I just need to let it go, but it burns my ass just the same.