Day 10 and Day 11

As I came down the stairs the smell was unmistakable. Even not being around it for two years I knew immediately. I walked over to the end table and looked down. There was a large plastic cup full of liquid. Almost all the way to the top but I couldn't tell what it was. I picked it up and I knew, right away I knew.

It was 4:45 am and my world was coming crashing down. I looked on the couch at DH, sleeping so soundly and for a moment I pondered my options. Then, he opened his eyes and my whole day just went down hill.

"Why is there alcohol in this glass?"

"What?"

"Alcohol... I can smell it. You're drinking now?"

When I walked into the kitchen there was an empty 40 oz bottle of beer. From the size of the cup I would guess if that was the only one he purchased he only drank about 8 - 10 oz before he went to sleep but either way... it didn't matter to me. He bought it, he drank even just a little of it.

I was done.

There was no yelling, there was no accusations just a simple request.

"If you can find your check from yesterday and give it to me, you are welcome to stay on our couch until you can find another place. If you can't find it, or if you have spent it, your rent is officially late and you will need to stay somewhere else tonight."

Plain. Simple. Almost rehearsed.

Of course it didn't end there, there was crying, there were promises, explanation, begging. None of it mattered. I was just done. He says it was his last hurrah. That he talked with his new sponsor about all the things he had to do differently and he wanted to have one last drink. I'm just not sure one will be it. I love DH, I love him with all that I am, but I'm very afraid that he is in WAY over his head and I can't save him this time.

How did we get here? I don't know, a week filled with broken promises and late nights I suppose. Wednesday he went to a meeting and then said he had to stop somewhere, I forget where... maybe the car wash. Then he couldn't come home because I was mad at him. Oh wait no... I remember now...

I worked late, he called at 8:45 and said he was on his way home from his meeting. I was leaving work at that time. I drove home and stopped to feed the horses. About that time my phone rang. He told me he had stopped to get something to eat and would be there soon. It takes 15 minutes to get from the meeting to our house. At this point it had be 30 minutes and I just knew he was lying to me. The place he told me he stopped to get food is 5 minutes from our house. Why couldn't he bring it home to eat it? Why did he need to sit in the parking lot?

These are the questions I raised and from him I got a whole lot of grief. 20 minutes later he still wasn't home. This time there was a new excuse. He was angry that I was always questioning him. He went to Wal-mart to just walk around. I'm not sure if he realizes that his lies sound ridiculous or if he thinks they sound great but they suck. He tells ridiculous lies when he is out looking for drugs.

Wednesday night, I just went to bed. I decided that I couldn't let him run my life and although I didn't do as well as Tuesday night, I did better than I had in the past. And that brings us to last night. When it was essentially the same thing all over again.

First he couldn't' find his check. Then he had to go to a meeting. After the meeting he had to go talk with his new sponsor. I didn't call. Each and every time, I let him call me. And he did, he called, he checked in and at 10:30 he called and said he was done talking and was going to stop by the shop to look for his check.

And then he was gone. An hour went by, an hour and a half, two hours. No DH, no phone call no nothing. Finally he called and said he was on his way home. He had left his phone at the shop and had to go back and get it. (Another excuse he has used quite a bit.)

I think it was 12:30 - 12:45 when he got home. I went to bed, only to discover what I found this morning.

So here we sit. A friend of mine told me I didn't have to accept this whether he was sober or not. Somewhere in my head there is a voice that says if he is trying, if he wants to get sober you have to stay. I now think that voice might be a liar.

He called about an hour ago, said he found his check. He had left it in the break room. Says he's going to bring it to me after work. Right now, I think the best idea is for him to stay somewhere else for awhile, but I'm waffling on that.

Damn it... I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to leave, I just want him to be here... sober. But as hard as I try, I can't make that happen... only he can. And as much as I wait and drag my feet and try to deny the inevitable I don't know if we are ever going to get to a place where he is sober again.

Right now, he says he's trying for us. He needs to be trying for him. This morning I dragged my SCREAMING two year old off of him as we left for daycare and he screamed and cried "My DADDY!! MY DADDY!!" I'm not sure I can take that away from him again, but I'm not sure staying is doing anyone any good either.