I was going to stick a few sentences in my last post about this but I think it probably deserves its own post. I'm working on my 4th step inventory right now. For those of you unfamiliar with the program, the 4th step is where you make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
Basically you list out things you like about yourself, things that are good about you and then things that you don't like about yourself. Your character defects, as we call them. For me, one of my largest character defects is the absence of choice.
Not that I don't have choices but that I choose not to make them. Given the option of staying where I am and being miserable or making a choice and changing my life I will choose (or really the absence of making a decision) the first option every time. There is some part of me that is desperately afraid to make the wrong decision so instead I just freeze. Stand still and let the world revolve around me.
For much of my relationship with DH this is what has kept me with him. He does something and I say to myself if he doesn't come home then we're done. However, he comes home, maybe not that day, or the next day but eventually and then it becomes his fault. He choose not to leave so I guess we are staying together.
Lately it's been this absolute paralyzing fear that if I do something it will be the wrong something. Munchkin will hate me, he will be irreversibly screwed up and turn into an awful child, DH will get sober without me and I will miss it, etc. I can run through a million things in my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. Deer in the headlights freeze. And then I go about my day, doing what I know and what I'm comfortable with which gets me exactly what I've always gotten.
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.
I know what I've always gotten. I may not like it but I know what it is. If I do something different what if I don't like the results? What if it is worse? A million what ifs and the only thing I know right now is I need to do something different. Scary or not I'm about to make some changes... one day at a time.
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9 comments:
Follow your gut.
That's all I can say over and over.
Who will fight for Munchkin if not you? DH won't - he does love him but not more than he needs the drugs. You can not win!
I say split make him pay child support - use that to pay towards bills owed and move on. You sold all his toys before to make ends meet, if he has acquired anything new out it goes. You have to Survive!
You cannot allow Munchkin to become like his father and the only way to break that cycle is to remove him from everyday influence! Make sure your lawyer knows about the times in the past he took an infant with him to go buy or the time he left him behind when he went to buy..........
I believe you already know the right choice. You know in your gut what you have to do. The first step towards that is the toughest. You can do it. Because you need to. You have to fight for what is best for Munchkin. He will do nothing but thank you for it later.
You have to break this cycle.
-k
One more thought....
At some time you said or I read that he is dealing. If he is dealing and working or not working but gives you money from work or from drugs it is dirty money and cops won't care if it came from his job or drugs because at that point they won't be able to tell.
The risks outweight the reward dear. Think about it...the monetary concerns you have go way further than you can imagine.
At this point I wouldn't take money from him if he threw it at me.
The only money I get from him comes straight from a paycheck. I don't get "extra" money from him so it's all traceable to the source.
He left munchkin to go buy?
You are munckin's only advocate. He doesn't care about munchkin's safety if he is leaving him alone to purchase drugs... or doing drugs at all. He can make his own decisions. Munchkin needs someone to make sure he will survive. YOU MUST STEP UP TO THE PLATE.
He's using AND dealing.. you realize if you don't do anything about it a judge is going to find you just as incompitent as him. Your first job is to protect your child. Just making sure you are around munchkin when he is doesn't mean anything. Things can still happen. You can't have your eyes on them at all times.
NO!! He NEVER left Munchkin to go buy!! I'm not sure how that confusion came about but it is 100% untrue. He did TAKE him to go buy when he was 9 weeks old but that was two years ago. Nothing this time around because he is not allowed to be alone with him until he can pass a drug test.
Give me a little credit people!!
I am in shock at the excuses and what if's flying around the comment sections.
Let's just go with what we know:
He's on drugs (does it matter what kind and does anyone know FOR SURE what kind?)
He's dealing (a dealer has a buyer and somewhere in that ring someone usually knows how to find and locate the dealer meaning they know where you live)
He's chosing the drugs and the lifestyle over you and his son.
From the sounds of it he is a less than desireable role model (wouldn't you rather have NO role model than that role model?)
His husband and friend skills are non-exsistant.
He took your child to a drug house.
You don't know what he did when you weren't around.
I can't believe there is something to think about or an excuse to be made to justify staying.
How concerned can you be about unsupervised visits when you let the man live with you where people know he is with your son in the home. You may be there but if something were to happen you don't have a leg to stand on and you are asleep some time. There is ample opportunity in this "safe" situation you have chosen or created.
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