Well, what a day yesterday was huh? I guess you know the basics... but again... a commitment is a commitment so here I am.
About noon yesterday I got a call from DH asking what the plan was. I think the expected me to tell him to just come home and we would work it out but I didn't. I think if he would have fought me on it I might have caved, but he just went along with it. Said he was going to talk to his cousin about an apartment above the car wash.
About 3:30 he called back and said his cousin said he could stay there so he would be there tonight cleaning things up but would probably sleep on our couch until he could get it livable.
So, after work I talked to DH and he said he was getting his apartment ready, so I went to my meeting and then out to dinner with the regular group I eat with. When I got done with dinner I called DH because I sort of wanted to get the check from him to put in the bank before he decided to do something else with it.
I basically pass the car wash on my way home so I figured I might as well stop. He was there and gave me the check no problem. I also got to look around a little bit and believe me when I tell you this is NOT living in the lap of luxury. The place is SMALL... like Efficiency small. And right now, it's very much full of junk.
His cousin flips houses and so he said that he has a storage area filled with furniture that he has salvaged so he will be able to give that to DH to use. I can't help but be pretty relieved that he has a place, and that it is not with us right now.
It's funny, but last night after dinner DH's new sponsor was talking to me and I found myself trying to justify why I thought this was the best decision. He just looked at me and said "no one is judging you for what you did." And that's when it hit me. No one but me. I am judging me. I feel like a big fat failure for not being able to do it. For not being able to save my marriage. When in reality, as my sponsor told me, I didn't make the choice. He did, I just reacted with the only option I felt I had.
So anyway, after I left DH I went home and went to bed. I think I was asleep by 10:30 and I didn't wake up once. When my alarm went off at 4:30 I realized that he was not there. It was SOO nice to be able to sleep and not be up every hour wondering why he didn't call and why I can't get him to answer his phone.
I did call him at 4:30, mostly because it was a habit of where are you and my brain wasn't even awake enough to realize what I was doing until after I hung up the phone. When he told me he stayed at the apartment the first thing I thought was he's lying to me. But then, a relief spread over me. He might be lying but it's not my problem right now!! :-)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 10 and Day 11
As I came down the stairs the smell was unmistakable. Even not being around it for two years I knew immediately. I walked over to the end table and looked down. There was a large plastic cup full of liquid. Almost all the way to the top but I couldn't tell what it was. I picked it up and I knew, right away I knew.
It was 4:45 am and my world was coming crashing down. I looked on the couch at DH, sleeping so soundly and for a moment I pondered my options. Then, he opened his eyes and my whole day just went down hill.
"Why is there alcohol in this glass?"
"What?"
"Alcohol... I can smell it. You're drinking now?"
When I walked into the kitchen there was an empty 40 oz bottle of beer. From the size of the cup I would guess if that was the only one he purchased he only drank about 8 - 10 oz before he went to sleep but either way... it didn't matter to me. He bought it, he drank even just a little of it.
I was done.
There was no yelling, there was no accusations just a simple request.
"If you can find your check from yesterday and give it to me, you are welcome to stay on our couch until you can find another place. If you can't find it, or if you have spent it, your rent is officially late and you will need to stay somewhere else tonight."
Plain. Simple. Almost rehearsed.
Of course it didn't end there, there was crying, there were promises, explanation, begging. None of it mattered. I was just done. He says it was his last hurrah. That he talked with his new sponsor about all the things he had to do differently and he wanted to have one last drink. I'm just not sure one will be it. I love DH, I love him with all that I am, but I'm very afraid that he is in WAY over his head and I can't save him this time.
How did we get here? I don't know, a week filled with broken promises and late nights I suppose. Wednesday he went to a meeting and then said he had to stop somewhere, I forget where... maybe the car wash. Then he couldn't come home because I was mad at him. Oh wait no... I remember now...
I worked late, he called at 8:45 and said he was on his way home from his meeting. I was leaving work at that time. I drove home and stopped to feed the horses. About that time my phone rang. He told me he had stopped to get something to eat and would be there soon. It takes 15 minutes to get from the meeting to our house. At this point it had be 30 minutes and I just knew he was lying to me. The place he told me he stopped to get food is 5 minutes from our house. Why couldn't he bring it home to eat it? Why did he need to sit in the parking lot?
These are the questions I raised and from him I got a whole lot of grief. 20 minutes later he still wasn't home. This time there was a new excuse. He was angry that I was always questioning him. He went to Wal-mart to just walk around. I'm not sure if he realizes that his lies sound ridiculous or if he thinks they sound great but they suck. He tells ridiculous lies when he is out looking for drugs.
Wednesday night, I just went to bed. I decided that I couldn't let him run my life and although I didn't do as well as Tuesday night, I did better than I had in the past. And that brings us to last night. When it was essentially the same thing all over again.
First he couldn't' find his check. Then he had to go to a meeting. After the meeting he had to go talk with his new sponsor. I didn't call. Each and every time, I let him call me. And he did, he called, he checked in and at 10:30 he called and said he was done talking and was going to stop by the shop to look for his check.
And then he was gone. An hour went by, an hour and a half, two hours. No DH, no phone call no nothing. Finally he called and said he was on his way home. He had left his phone at the shop and had to go back and get it. (Another excuse he has used quite a bit.)
I think it was 12:30 - 12:45 when he got home. I went to bed, only to discover what I found this morning.
So here we sit. A friend of mine told me I didn't have to accept this whether he was sober or not. Somewhere in my head there is a voice that says if he is trying, if he wants to get sober you have to stay. I now think that voice might be a liar.
He called about an hour ago, said he found his check. He had left it in the break room. Says he's going to bring it to me after work. Right now, I think the best idea is for him to stay somewhere else for awhile, but I'm waffling on that.
Damn it... I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to leave, I just want him to be here... sober. But as hard as I try, I can't make that happen... only he can. And as much as I wait and drag my feet and try to deny the inevitable I don't know if we are ever going to get to a place where he is sober again.
Right now, he says he's trying for us. He needs to be trying for him. This morning I dragged my SCREAMING two year old off of him as we left for daycare and he screamed and cried "My DADDY!! MY DADDY!!" I'm not sure I can take that away from him again, but I'm not sure staying is doing anyone any good either.
It was 4:45 am and my world was coming crashing down. I looked on the couch at DH, sleeping so soundly and for a moment I pondered my options. Then, he opened his eyes and my whole day just went down hill.
"Why is there alcohol in this glass?"
"What?"
"Alcohol... I can smell it. You're drinking now?"
When I walked into the kitchen there was an empty 40 oz bottle of beer. From the size of the cup I would guess if that was the only one he purchased he only drank about 8 - 10 oz before he went to sleep but either way... it didn't matter to me. He bought it, he drank even just a little of it.
I was done.
There was no yelling, there was no accusations just a simple request.
"If you can find your check from yesterday and give it to me, you are welcome to stay on our couch until you can find another place. If you can't find it, or if you have spent it, your rent is officially late and you will need to stay somewhere else tonight."
Plain. Simple. Almost rehearsed.
Of course it didn't end there, there was crying, there were promises, explanation, begging. None of it mattered. I was just done. He says it was his last hurrah. That he talked with his new sponsor about all the things he had to do differently and he wanted to have one last drink. I'm just not sure one will be it. I love DH, I love him with all that I am, but I'm very afraid that he is in WAY over his head and I can't save him this time.
How did we get here? I don't know, a week filled with broken promises and late nights I suppose. Wednesday he went to a meeting and then said he had to stop somewhere, I forget where... maybe the car wash. Then he couldn't come home because I was mad at him. Oh wait no... I remember now...
I worked late, he called at 8:45 and said he was on his way home from his meeting. I was leaving work at that time. I drove home and stopped to feed the horses. About that time my phone rang. He told me he had stopped to get something to eat and would be there soon. It takes 15 minutes to get from the meeting to our house. At this point it had be 30 minutes and I just knew he was lying to me. The place he told me he stopped to get food is 5 minutes from our house. Why couldn't he bring it home to eat it? Why did he need to sit in the parking lot?
These are the questions I raised and from him I got a whole lot of grief. 20 minutes later he still wasn't home. This time there was a new excuse. He was angry that I was always questioning him. He went to Wal-mart to just walk around. I'm not sure if he realizes that his lies sound ridiculous or if he thinks they sound great but they suck. He tells ridiculous lies when he is out looking for drugs.
Wednesday night, I just went to bed. I decided that I couldn't let him run my life and although I didn't do as well as Tuesday night, I did better than I had in the past. And that brings us to last night. When it was essentially the same thing all over again.
First he couldn't' find his check. Then he had to go to a meeting. After the meeting he had to go talk with his new sponsor. I didn't call. Each and every time, I let him call me. And he did, he called, he checked in and at 10:30 he called and said he was done talking and was going to stop by the shop to look for his check.
And then he was gone. An hour went by, an hour and a half, two hours. No DH, no phone call no nothing. Finally he called and said he was on his way home. He had left his phone at the shop and had to go back and get it. (Another excuse he has used quite a bit.)
I think it was 12:30 - 12:45 when he got home. I went to bed, only to discover what I found this morning.
So here we sit. A friend of mine told me I didn't have to accept this whether he was sober or not. Somewhere in my head there is a voice that says if he is trying, if he wants to get sober you have to stay. I now think that voice might be a liar.
He called about an hour ago, said he found his check. He had left it in the break room. Says he's going to bring it to me after work. Right now, I think the best idea is for him to stay somewhere else for awhile, but I'm waffling on that.
Damn it... I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to leave, I just want him to be here... sober. But as hard as I try, I can't make that happen... only he can. And as much as I wait and drag my feet and try to deny the inevitable I don't know if we are ever going to get to a place where he is sober again.
Right now, he says he's trying for us. He needs to be trying for him. This morning I dragged my SCREAMING two year old off of him as we left for daycare and he screamed and cried "My DADDY!! MY DADDY!!" I'm not sure I can take that away from him again, but I'm not sure staying is doing anyone any good either.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Day Nine
I don't have a lot to write about yesterday, but a commitment is a commitment and so I owe you a daily report. Yesterday a friend of mine told me about a couple that we know in the program and that her husband had relapsed. After I heard about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept thinking how bad I felt for her and how I wish no one ever had to go through relapse.
Then last night I called DH on my way home, he said he was on his way from the job site and would try to be home to see Munchkin. When we got there at 6:00 he wasn't home so I called again, this time he was at the car wash (the second job that I'm questioning the sanity of...). Then I called again at 6:45 to basically see why it was that he hadn't shown up to see his son and then I just sort of had a bit of a break through.
It is not my job to make sure he shows up at home to see Munchkin. If he wants to work, or screw around, or whatever else and that takes away from his time with Munchkin that's not my problem. That is his problem. I am there every morning to kiss my little boy and take him to daycare and make funny faces at him so he won't cry when I leave.
I am there every night to pick him up from daycare. To see his face and listen to him cry at me because he doesn't want to go home just yet. He has things to do, toys to play with. I am there to see him when he looks up at me and says hold my hand mommy. Run? As we "run" through the parking lot.
I'm not missing ANY of that. I re-arranged my whole schedule to be there for every one of those moments and some times it sucks and I don't want to get out of bed at 4:30 or go up to my office at 8:00 and work some more but at the end of the day I did it so I didn't have to miss any of those moments and when he is all grown he will know that I was there.
If DH doesn't want to make those sacrifices for Munchkin or for me that is his choice and while I'm sad that is his choice I can not make it any different by calling him a million times or asking him when he will be home a bazillion times. The only thing that is doing is taking away from MY time for me and for my son. Sometime between the 3rd phone call and the drive to my meeting last night it just sort of smacked me in the head. I was letting HIM live my life for me and I need to live MY own life. I have been so afraid of the unknown when really the unknown is right in front of me. I am a single parent in a two parent household and I'm doing just fine. I get Munchkin to daycare, I get to work, I get him picked up, I arrange babysitters when I need to be gone. The only thing he is doing at this point is giving me some money and a lot of stress I don't need.
So I let go of it. When he went out with a guy from AA (or told me he did, he's asking him to be his new sponsor) last night after the meeting I went to bed. I didn't need to stay awake because he wasn't there. When I woke up at 11:00 and he still wasn't home I just repeated to myself over and over:
Do not let him live your life for you....
And I went back to sleep. Of course as soon as I fell back asleep he called to tell me he had a flat tire and his spare was crap and so he was getting a patch kit and fixing it but I just said ok and went back to sleep. And when he finally did get there, I didn't need to get up and ask him a million questions I just repeated to myself:
Do NOT let him live your life for you....
And then I went back to sleep.
Hopefully, today is a new day...
Then last night I called DH on my way home, he said he was on his way from the job site and would try to be home to see Munchkin. When we got there at 6:00 he wasn't home so I called again, this time he was at the car wash (the second job that I'm questioning the sanity of...). Then I called again at 6:45 to basically see why it was that he hadn't shown up to see his son and then I just sort of had a bit of a break through.
It is not my job to make sure he shows up at home to see Munchkin. If he wants to work, or screw around, or whatever else and that takes away from his time with Munchkin that's not my problem. That is his problem. I am there every morning to kiss my little boy and take him to daycare and make funny faces at him so he won't cry when I leave.
I am there every night to pick him up from daycare. To see his face and listen to him cry at me because he doesn't want to go home just yet. He has things to do, toys to play with. I am there to see him when he looks up at me and says hold my hand mommy. Run? As we "run" through the parking lot.
I'm not missing ANY of that. I re-arranged my whole schedule to be there for every one of those moments and some times it sucks and I don't want to get out of bed at 4:30 or go up to my office at 8:00 and work some more but at the end of the day I did it so I didn't have to miss any of those moments and when he is all grown he will know that I was there.
If DH doesn't want to make those sacrifices for Munchkin or for me that is his choice and while I'm sad that is his choice I can not make it any different by calling him a million times or asking him when he will be home a bazillion times. The only thing that is doing is taking away from MY time for me and for my son. Sometime between the 3rd phone call and the drive to my meeting last night it just sort of smacked me in the head. I was letting HIM live my life for me and I need to live MY own life. I have been so afraid of the unknown when really the unknown is right in front of me. I am a single parent in a two parent household and I'm doing just fine. I get Munchkin to daycare, I get to work, I get him picked up, I arrange babysitters when I need to be gone. The only thing he is doing at this point is giving me some money and a lot of stress I don't need.
So I let go of it. When he went out with a guy from AA (or told me he did, he's asking him to be his new sponsor) last night after the meeting I went to bed. I didn't need to stay awake because he wasn't there. When I woke up at 11:00 and he still wasn't home I just repeated to myself over and over:
Do not let him live your life for you....
And I went back to sleep. Of course as soon as I fell back asleep he called to tell me he had a flat tire and his spare was crap and so he was getting a patch kit and fixing it but I just said ok and went back to sleep. And when he finally did get there, I didn't need to get up and ask him a million questions I just repeated to myself:
Do NOT let him live your life for you....
And then I went back to sleep.
Hopefully, today is a new day...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Where Did the Comments Go?
I have been asked by a couple of people where the comments went to all of my daily posts. The short answer is, I took them off. The long answer is a bit more complicated.
Right now I'm REALLY struggling. I'm struggling every day to make the best decisions that I know how and every day, all day long there is constant chatter in my head. Did you do that right? Should you do this? ALL day long...
Then, I started posting basically a running commentary here and what it resulted in was more voices in my head. And really... I just can't do it. I need to know that the decisions that I'm making are mine and mine alone and when people are commenting on every aspect of my life I just don't feel like I can do that.
It is not because I don't feel like you guys have valuable things to say or that anyone said anything that offended me. I just need to do this for me, so when it all is said and done I know that I did this. This is the most personal thing I have in my life and with everyone commenting I also started to sensor what I wrote. Not on purpose, just as a side affect. This way, I can be 100% honest and open.
I know you are there, I can see it on my stat counter. (If you need to tell me something, e-mail me) I know you are reading and that is what I need right now. The stories I tell about the past will still have comments on them. Just, for right now, not the daily posts.
I hope you understand.
Right now I'm REALLY struggling. I'm struggling every day to make the best decisions that I know how and every day, all day long there is constant chatter in my head. Did you do that right? Should you do this? ALL day long...
Then, I started posting basically a running commentary here and what it resulted in was more voices in my head. And really... I just can't do it. I need to know that the decisions that I'm making are mine and mine alone and when people are commenting on every aspect of my life I just don't feel like I can do that.
It is not because I don't feel like you guys have valuable things to say or that anyone said anything that offended me. I just need to do this for me, so when it all is said and done I know that I did this. This is the most personal thing I have in my life and with everyone commenting I also started to sensor what I wrote. Not on purpose, just as a side affect. This way, I can be 100% honest and open.
I know you are there, I can see it on my stat counter. (If you need to tell me something, e-mail me) I know you are reading and that is what I need right now. The stories I tell about the past will still have comments on them. Just, for right now, not the daily posts.
I hope you understand.
Day 8
Sorry I'm a bit late in getting this posted. Yesterday started out with a fight about a candy bar and ended with DH threatening to pack his bags and then ultimately sleeping on the couch. How did we get here? How did we get to this place where we are irreversibly screwed up? And how, for the love of god, do we ever get out?
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 7
Last night we got a call from some AA & Al-anon friends about playing cards at their house (well the guys played cards, the women watched a chick flick.) It was nice to hang out with some people that I knew were straight.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Day 6
DH was home by 4:30 yesterday and we went to our meeting last night as planned. On the way to our meeting I was trying to talk to him about why he is quitting and the answer I was getting sort of makes me nervous. The answer he gave me was that is the only way he can be in his little boy's life.
And while that is true, to some extent, if he is only quitting for Munchkin I'm afraid that it will be much like the last time in the fact that it won't "stick." So I tried to tell him that he needs to do this for himself. Because he knows it is the only way to have a normal life. Because he knows that the drug was ruling his life and he was not living his own life. That if Munchkin and I were gone tomorrow he would still want to be clean for those reasons.
I don't know if I made an impression or not. After our meeting we went to dinner and then home and once we were home there was more discussion. (Although I would have just preferred to go to bed.) He was upset and crying, telling me how he hates himself for what he has done and he just feels like maybe he should go away and not come back. I wasn't sure what to say.
Part of me feels like maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe we are too far gone to ever get back. But then another part of me feels like if he hates himself that much how can we ever know if we are ok as a couple until each of us is ok separately.
So about midnight we finally settled on going to the counselor today and each seeing our own counselor for our own sessions with the goal to find our who we are and what we want before we make any major decisions about our lives together.
This morning, he went to work and I went to work and he actually showed up before me to the counseling appointment. He was pretty honest with me during the counseling appointment including sharing a moment that I pretty much wish he wouldn't have.
Apparently at his dad's wedding his aunt did some cocaine with him. Now this was two and a half years ago, and before he went to treatment but it has been eating at me ever since I heard it. She was one of my biggest supporters when I committed him and while he was in treatment. She was the one calling telling him he needed to get his life straight, etc. Now I feel like she was a fraud. Like how can I ever look at her the same again?
DH begged me to never mention it to her. Told me that she was horribly embarrassed and that she had gotten drunk and let her guard down. He says if I ever mention it he will deny telling me and she will probably deny doing it. At this point I think I just need to let it go, but it burns my ass just the same.
And while that is true, to some extent, if he is only quitting for Munchkin I'm afraid that it will be much like the last time in the fact that it won't "stick." So I tried to tell him that he needs to do this for himself. Because he knows it is the only way to have a normal life. Because he knows that the drug was ruling his life and he was not living his own life. That if Munchkin and I were gone tomorrow he would still want to be clean for those reasons.
I don't know if I made an impression or not. After our meeting we went to dinner and then home and once we were home there was more discussion. (Although I would have just preferred to go to bed.) He was upset and crying, telling me how he hates himself for what he has done and he just feels like maybe he should go away and not come back. I wasn't sure what to say.
Part of me feels like maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe we are too far gone to ever get back. But then another part of me feels like if he hates himself that much how can we ever know if we are ok as a couple until each of us is ok separately.
So about midnight we finally settled on going to the counselor today and each seeing our own counselor for our own sessions with the goal to find our who we are and what we want before we make any major decisions about our lives together.
This morning, he went to work and I went to work and he actually showed up before me to the counseling appointment. He was pretty honest with me during the counseling appointment including sharing a moment that I pretty much wish he wouldn't have.
Apparently at his dad's wedding his aunt did some cocaine with him. Now this was two and a half years ago, and before he went to treatment but it has been eating at me ever since I heard it. She was one of my biggest supporters when I committed him and while he was in treatment. She was the one calling telling him he needed to get his life straight, etc. Now I feel like she was a fraud. Like how can I ever look at her the same again?
DH begged me to never mention it to her. Told me that she was horribly embarrassed and that she had gotten drunk and let her guard down. He says if I ever mention it he will deny telling me and she will probably deny doing it. At this point I think I just need to let it go, but it burns my ass just the same.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Day 5
Well, there is not a lot to report from yesterday. I called DH on the way home from work and he was still at work. I could hear the kid he works with in the background (and since I've met him I know his voice.)
He called me a little while later and told me he was on his way home. I went to the basement last night and found some remnants of toilet paper rolls with toilet paper in them and some other crap. I gathered it all up and threw it out. Something I never thought I would have to do again. Something that just solidifies this boundary I have drawn. I'm done. I'm never, ever doing that again.
Something for discussion today... this boundary. I fee like a fraud. Like I wasn't strong enough to kick him out so I am using this as my cop out. I know that if I don't do it this way I will never know and I will always question myself. This has to be the way it is done, at least for me, or else I will never know 100% that I made the right choice. That I gave him the option to leave or stay.
Still, it feels very much like I am defaulting to him again. I feel like I needed that one last chance to say see... I told you what would happen, I gave you a choice and you chose to go out and use again. I'm angry with myself that I couldn't just say enough is enough two weeks ago.
I don't regret this decision. I love DH and if he can get his shit together and we can go to counseling and fix our marriage I will be ecstatic. I'm just a little frustrated with my lack of being able to just do something. Just make a choice, not default to someone else to make that choice for me.
I guess that's something to work on... huh??
He called me a little while later and told me he was on his way home. I went to the basement last night and found some remnants of toilet paper rolls with toilet paper in them and some other crap. I gathered it all up and threw it out. Something I never thought I would have to do again. Something that just solidifies this boundary I have drawn. I'm done. I'm never, ever doing that again.
Something for discussion today... this boundary. I fee like a fraud. Like I wasn't strong enough to kick him out so I am using this as my cop out. I know that if I don't do it this way I will never know and I will always question myself. This has to be the way it is done, at least for me, or else I will never know 100% that I made the right choice. That I gave him the option to leave or stay.
Still, it feels very much like I am defaulting to him again. I feel like I needed that one last chance to say see... I told you what would happen, I gave you a choice and you chose to go out and use again. I'm angry with myself that I couldn't just say enough is enough two weeks ago.
I don't regret this decision. I love DH and if he can get his shit together and we can go to counseling and fix our marriage I will be ecstatic. I'm just a little frustrated with my lack of being able to just do something. Just make a choice, not default to someone else to make that choice for me.
I guess that's something to work on... huh??
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Day Four
Well, last night was pretty uneventful, except for the times I was convincing myself that the world was ending. I worked until 9:00 and he was supposed to go to a meeting from 7:30 - 8:30 so there was about an hour there from 8:00 - 9:00 where all I could think of was driving through the old neighborhoods to see if his car was at any of the drug houses.
At the end of the day, I'm not even sure if he went to the meeting, stayed home and slept on the couch, or went to one of their houses but was home early. I tried to call him a million times starting at like 8:45 and I did drive by the one house that is on my way home but when I got there at 9:30 he was at home, in bed and just about asleep.
This morning he took the test. It was positive for THC and possibly Cocaine. You are supposed to see a line if the test is negative (it is the opposite of a pregnancy test which is confusing) and it says right in the instructions if there is a line, no matter how faint, the test is negative. Well there were obvious lines for Opiates (bright red) and Meth & Amphetamines, light lines but lines none the less. But the Cocaine one was hard to read. I think there was a line there but I'm not sure.
So when I sent it to the lab I marked to have them check all the ones that were possible questions. The results won't be in for 7 - 10 business days and they only tell me positive or negative not what the levels are, but at least it is a start.
Then, he called me at 9:45 this morning crying and saying how he doesn't want to mess this up and he just really wants me to know how much he loves me and that he is going to fix this. My first thought when he called and was upset was that he was fired. He assured me that he was not and that he had just been working alone and was doing some thinking and wanted to call me.
I'm very conflicted about this. When he gets upset it takes down part of that defensive wall that I built up and it makes me see more of the person and less of the disease. I'm going to have a really hard time walking away from the person. The disease I could kick to the curb any day. However, I have set a boundary and I have to stick to it. If he messes up again, I need to be strong and not get sucked in by the fact that I feel sorry for him. I know this is hard for him, but at some point my feeling sorry for him and saying oh this is hard I'll forgive you again begins to be more of a hindrance on his getting well than a help.
So... there's where we are today. Still working towards the Saturday counseling appointment, still working on keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
At the end of the day, I'm not even sure if he went to the meeting, stayed home and slept on the couch, or went to one of their houses but was home early. I tried to call him a million times starting at like 8:45 and I did drive by the one house that is on my way home but when I got there at 9:30 he was at home, in bed and just about asleep.
This morning he took the test. It was positive for THC and possibly Cocaine. You are supposed to see a line if the test is negative (it is the opposite of a pregnancy test which is confusing) and it says right in the instructions if there is a line, no matter how faint, the test is negative. Well there were obvious lines for Opiates (bright red) and Meth & Amphetamines, light lines but lines none the less. But the Cocaine one was hard to read. I think there was a line there but I'm not sure.
So when I sent it to the lab I marked to have them check all the ones that were possible questions. The results won't be in for 7 - 10 business days and they only tell me positive or negative not what the levels are, but at least it is a start.
Then, he called me at 9:45 this morning crying and saying how he doesn't want to mess this up and he just really wants me to know how much he loves me and that he is going to fix this. My first thought when he called and was upset was that he was fired. He assured me that he was not and that he had just been working alone and was doing some thinking and wanted to call me.
I'm very conflicted about this. When he gets upset it takes down part of that defensive wall that I built up and it makes me see more of the person and less of the disease. I'm going to have a really hard time walking away from the person. The disease I could kick to the curb any day. However, I have set a boundary and I have to stick to it. If he messes up again, I need to be strong and not get sucked in by the fact that I feel sorry for him. I know this is hard for him, but at some point my feeling sorry for him and saying oh this is hard I'll forgive you again begins to be more of a hindrance on his getting well than a help.
So... there's where we are today. Still working towards the Saturday counseling appointment, still working on keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
Test Results
The picture was HARD to take and it's upside down but what you WANT is to see two lines in every box. Obviously that's not what I got. There are two faint lines in the two boxes on the right that didn't show up very well. (Methamphetamine - Far right, Amphetamines - 2nd to right) The box on the left obviously had two lines (Opiates) and the box in the middle is THC which we knew he wouldn't pass.The box 2nd to the left is the questionable one. There was a line, but it was very faint. When I packaged it up for testing I marked all four boxes to have them test all four. Unfortunately they will only tell me negative or positive, not the levels like I wanted.
Reading the Results: A negative result is indicated by two (2) pin color bands (of any intensity), one in the control region AND one in the test region. This result means that the urine screened negative. REMEMBER - EVEN A VERY FAINT LINE IS A NEGATIVE RESULT
A single rose pink color band which appears in the control region and NO line in the test region means the urine screen is considered to be PRELIMINARY POSITIVE. The urine sample must be sent to the laboratory for further testing. More than one test may be "preliminary."
What does a preliminary test result mean?This means that the test has reacted with something in the sample and must be sent to the lab for a more accurate test. Please review the Test Limitations following this section.
First, and most important: BE PATIENT. The result you obtained is called "preliminary" for a reason. The sample MUST be tested by our clinical laboratory in order to determine if a drug of abuse is actually present. You will never know for sure without taking the second step.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The FIL Fiasco
On Sunday FIL & Step-MIL were supposed to come over to dinner. SIL was in two with her children and so we wanted to get together with them, without all of the drama that goes along with going to their house.
We asked them about this like a week in advance. On Saturday SIL called to confirm that they were still coming and that it was just the two of them. (She said so she made sure there was enough food but really it was because we didn't want them dragging the whole crew along) They agreed, just them, Sunday, 4:00.
So Sunday at 1:00 I get a phone call from SIL telling me that FIL has changed his mind. The step sisters feel left out and so they want us to come over to their house. HELL no!! Nothing good EVER happens to us when we go over there.
So finally, for the first time E-V-E-R both DH and SIL stood up to FIL and told him that he was invited to our house and that is where we would all be. If he would like to come he was more than welcome but we would not be changing our plans.
4:00 came and went and there was no FIL. SIL had called him on her way over and he had told her that the Step-SIL had thrown a big fit about not being invited and he had gotten pissed and left for the bar. Good idea... why come to spend time with your children when you could just go to the bar.
So, needless to say I almost fell off of the couch when at 5:00 the door opened and in walked FIL and step-MIL. The visit was nice. We had a good time. Step-MIL didn't talk much, but that's not new. She's quiet in person but behind the scenes she is pulling the strings.
They were there until about 7:30 and then they were on their way. On Monday I got a call that FIL could not find his wallet. How is it that the one and ONLY time they come to our house his wallet goes missing. This one I don't even suspect DH for because it was in his Dad's back pocket in the kitchen after dinner because we were talking about spare keys and he pulled it out and showed us that he has one in his wallet.
After that he went out and started his car and then came in, said goodbye to the boys and went home. There was not an opportunity for DH to pick his pocket. What I really think happened is that Step-MIL or Step-SIL took it when he got home on Sunday night to try to frame DH. I know that sounds crazy but these people are crazy. They are totally trying to keep him away from his own children and were seriously PISSED OFF that we didn't invite the whole step family. What better way to make sure he never goes to our house again?
We asked them about this like a week in advance. On Saturday SIL called to confirm that they were still coming and that it was just the two of them. (She said so she made sure there was enough food but really it was because we didn't want them dragging the whole crew along) They agreed, just them, Sunday, 4:00.
So Sunday at 1:00 I get a phone call from SIL telling me that FIL has changed his mind. The step sisters feel left out and so they want us to come over to their house. HELL no!! Nothing good EVER happens to us when we go over there.
So finally, for the first time E-V-E-R both DH and SIL stood up to FIL and told him that he was invited to our house and that is where we would all be. If he would like to come he was more than welcome but we would not be changing our plans.
4:00 came and went and there was no FIL. SIL had called him on her way over and he had told her that the Step-SIL had thrown a big fit about not being invited and he had gotten pissed and left for the bar. Good idea... why come to spend time with your children when you could just go to the bar.
So, needless to say I almost fell off of the couch when at 5:00 the door opened and in walked FIL and step-MIL. The visit was nice. We had a good time. Step-MIL didn't talk much, but that's not new. She's quiet in person but behind the scenes she is pulling the strings.
They were there until about 7:30 and then they were on their way. On Monday I got a call that FIL could not find his wallet. How is it that the one and ONLY time they come to our house his wallet goes missing. This one I don't even suspect DH for because it was in his Dad's back pocket in the kitchen after dinner because we were talking about spare keys and he pulled it out and showed us that he has one in his wallet.
After that he went out and started his car and then came in, said goodbye to the boys and went home. There was not an opportunity for DH to pick his pocket. What I really think happened is that Step-MIL or Step-SIL took it when he got home on Sunday night to try to frame DH. I know that sounds crazy but these people are crazy. They are totally trying to keep him away from his own children and were seriously PISSED OFF that we didn't invite the whole step family. What better way to make sure he never goes to our house again?
Day Three
So, the news from the lawyer was kind of a mixed bag. Several people have suggested that I am seeing only what I want to see in it. I believe that to be true also. At this point, I'm just proud of myself for at least taking that step and now I know a little bit about what my options are. Keeping him on just supervised visitations will be tricky and take some fighting in court. If he doesn't argue with my suggestion, it could go smoothly. If he argues it could get ugly. I don't really want ugly.
Yesterday, I set my first boundary that I'm counting on all of you to help me keep. I have contacted the lawyer, I am done with all of the crap, if he uses from this point forward I'm done. If I suspect he's using, I'm probably right and should probably be done then too. I figure with me writing here daily as long as I'm honest with you then I have to tell you if I think it happened or know it happened.
In an effort to keep myself honest, today is drug test day. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Part of me thought, well he'll just fail anyway, but I think a bigger part of me wondered if he wouldn't fail for more than just pot. And if he does, I think my choice may become more clear. While I have every faith that if he wants to, he can get away from the pot, I'm not so sure if it has gone farther than that if he will be able to.
Once he takes, and presumably fails, the drug test I can send it in to a lab and they will give me the results in number form. (i.e. how much is in his system) and I will be able to compare that to the next drug test I buy in another week and see if the levels are going down, up or staying the same. Either of the last two is also a reason for you to give me a giant shove forward off the cliff of divorce proceedings.
Last night we attended a meeting together. He hasn't been in over a week and when we got in the car he thanked me for taking him with me and told me that he talked to a lot of really good people and that was just what he needed.
We shall see...
Yesterday, I set my first boundary that I'm counting on all of you to help me keep. I have contacted the lawyer, I am done with all of the crap, if he uses from this point forward I'm done. If I suspect he's using, I'm probably right and should probably be done then too. I figure with me writing here daily as long as I'm honest with you then I have to tell you if I think it happened or know it happened.
In an effort to keep myself honest, today is drug test day. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Part of me thought, well he'll just fail anyway, but I think a bigger part of me wondered if he wouldn't fail for more than just pot. And if he does, I think my choice may become more clear. While I have every faith that if he wants to, he can get away from the pot, I'm not so sure if it has gone farther than that if he will be able to.
Once he takes, and presumably fails, the drug test I can send it in to a lab and they will give me the results in number form. (i.e. how much is in his system) and I will be able to compare that to the next drug test I buy in another week and see if the levels are going down, up or staying the same. Either of the last two is also a reason for you to give me a giant shove forward off the cliff of divorce proceedings.
Last night we attended a meeting together. He hasn't been in over a week and when we got in the car he thanked me for taking him with me and told me that he talked to a lot of really good people and that was just what he needed.
We shall see...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Injustice of the Courts
The news from my lawyer is much as I expected. Some good, some bad.
I find it interesting that you are all up in arms about him using when the courts could really give a Sh!t less. It is pot, as far as I know, not meth. As far as they are concerned, even though it is illegal, they will NOT remove a child from a home or require supervised visitations for pot use. My lawyer has confirmed this fact.
So if I leave him, and he fights it, it is possible that even though he is using they could give him unsupervised visits with my son. My biggest fear at this point.
The good news is that my lawyer feels that I have a good case to get him to pay back a large portion, if not all of the money we owe to my parents based on the fact that we would not have had to borrow it at all had he not had the troubles he did. I have a spreadsheet showing why we have each debt and who is responsible for each portion. He says it may, or may not, help me with the remaining debt but for sure could help with the part to my parents.
So there you have it. Once again, hosed by the very system that is set up to protect children and punish criminals. I stay with DH because I know this system. I have been dealing with it for 12 years. They won't take my son for his pot use, whether he is dealing or not. In fact they might actually order me to let him visit him, unsupervised. How is that for justice?
I find it interesting that you are all up in arms about him using when the courts could really give a Sh!t less. It is pot, as far as I know, not meth. As far as they are concerned, even though it is illegal, they will NOT remove a child from a home or require supervised visitations for pot use. My lawyer has confirmed this fact.
So if I leave him, and he fights it, it is possible that even though he is using they could give him unsupervised visits with my son. My biggest fear at this point.
The good news is that my lawyer feels that I have a good case to get him to pay back a large portion, if not all of the money we owe to my parents based on the fact that we would not have had to borrow it at all had he not had the troubles he did. I have a spreadsheet showing why we have each debt and who is responsible for each portion. He says it may, or may not, help me with the remaining debt but for sure could help with the part to my parents.
So there you have it. Once again, hosed by the very system that is set up to protect children and punish criminals. I stay with DH because I know this system. I have been dealing with it for 12 years. They won't take my son for his pot use, whether he is dealing or not. In fact they might actually order me to let him visit him, unsupervised. How is that for justice?
The Absence of Choice
I was going to stick a few sentences in my last post about this but I think it probably deserves its own post. I'm working on my 4th step inventory right now. For those of you unfamiliar with the program, the 4th step is where you make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
Basically you list out things you like about yourself, things that are good about you and then things that you don't like about yourself. Your character defects, as we call them. For me, one of my largest character defects is the absence of choice.
Not that I don't have choices but that I choose not to make them. Given the option of staying where I am and being miserable or making a choice and changing my life I will choose (or really the absence of making a decision) the first option every time. There is some part of me that is desperately afraid to make the wrong decision so instead I just freeze. Stand still and let the world revolve around me.
For much of my relationship with DH this is what has kept me with him. He does something and I say to myself if he doesn't come home then we're done. However, he comes home, maybe not that day, or the next day but eventually and then it becomes his fault. He choose not to leave so I guess we are staying together.
Lately it's been this absolute paralyzing fear that if I do something it will be the wrong something. Munchkin will hate me, he will be irreversibly screwed up and turn into an awful child, DH will get sober without me and I will miss it, etc. I can run through a million things in my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. Deer in the headlights freeze. And then I go about my day, doing what I know and what I'm comfortable with which gets me exactly what I've always gotten.
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.
I know what I've always gotten. I may not like it but I know what it is. If I do something different what if I don't like the results? What if it is worse? A million what ifs and the only thing I know right now is I need to do something different. Scary or not I'm about to make some changes... one day at a time.
Basically you list out things you like about yourself, things that are good about you and then things that you don't like about yourself. Your character defects, as we call them. For me, one of my largest character defects is the absence of choice.
Not that I don't have choices but that I choose not to make them. Given the option of staying where I am and being miserable or making a choice and changing my life I will choose (or really the absence of making a decision) the first option every time. There is some part of me that is desperately afraid to make the wrong decision so instead I just freeze. Stand still and let the world revolve around me.
For much of my relationship with DH this is what has kept me with him. He does something and I say to myself if he doesn't come home then we're done. However, he comes home, maybe not that day, or the next day but eventually and then it becomes his fault. He choose not to leave so I guess we are staying together.
Lately it's been this absolute paralyzing fear that if I do something it will be the wrong something. Munchkin will hate me, he will be irreversibly screwed up and turn into an awful child, DH will get sober without me and I will miss it, etc. I can run through a million things in my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. Deer in the headlights freeze. And then I go about my day, doing what I know and what I'm comfortable with which gets me exactly what I've always gotten.
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.
I know what I've always gotten. I may not like it but I know what it is. If I do something different what if I don't like the results? What if it is worse? A million what ifs and the only thing I know right now is I need to do something different. Scary or not I'm about to make some changes... one day at a time.
How Did We Get Back Here?
Someone asked how did he end up back in my house when I said he wasn't coming back until he passed a drug test.
I think now is a good time to introduce you to a part of me that some of you might not know about. Hi, I'm H an I'm spineless. I have absolutely no boundaries and I will, given the chance, allow my self to be walked all over and completely taken advantage of. So, yeah, that's basically it.
On the 22nd he just sort of showed up after a meeting and never left. I didn't WANT him back here but I sort of gave in. Munchkin was miserable without his daddy. He was acting out at daycare, hitting other kids, not listening, spending at least once every day in the directors office. And when DH would come to visit he would cling to him and cry when he left.
So, I was stupid. I THOUGHT that DH was doing well. I THOUGHT that he had three weeks clean and he was going to meetings every night. I didn't know he wasn't clean because I couldn't see him and the way he acted. He wasn't living here. So, I made a decision, one that I regret now and I let him stay. In my mind since I thought he was doing well and it was just one more week until he could pass the test I thought why torture Munchkin with what is a temporary situation.
I now know that was a bad choice. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? And now that he's here... I just can't seem to make him go away. There are large guilt trips involved about how his life will be over and how he loves us so much and this is a disease and he's struggling with it. There are promises of how this is the last time, this time it will be different, he's done, etc.
It has been three weeks of hell and I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do. I'm making decisions, bad decisions, based off of, we owe a lot of money. He will be making money this summer why should he have that money and I be poor. He should have to stick around a pay for it. I have to make better choices. I suck at choices. And decisions... and well pretty much anything where DH is concerned.
So I have sought outside help. I'm e-mailing my sponsor every day, I'm a BAD phone person. I HATE calling people to just "talk." So, e-mail it is. And she is giving me the best advice she can. We also have couples and individual counseling that we will be attending starting this weekend, assuming we make it to this weekend.
So there you have it, he sort of showed up and I'm spineless and didn't make him leave and now I'm afraid I'll screw up Munchkin even more if he leaves and then comes back so I'm trying to decide if permanent removal of him from our household is what's best for all of us or if we can still fix what is broken.
I think now is a good time to introduce you to a part of me that some of you might not know about. Hi, I'm H an I'm spineless. I have absolutely no boundaries and I will, given the chance, allow my self to be walked all over and completely taken advantage of. So, yeah, that's basically it.
On the 22nd he just sort of showed up after a meeting and never left. I didn't WANT him back here but I sort of gave in. Munchkin was miserable without his daddy. He was acting out at daycare, hitting other kids, not listening, spending at least once every day in the directors office. And when DH would come to visit he would cling to him and cry when he left.
So, I was stupid. I THOUGHT that DH was doing well. I THOUGHT that he had three weeks clean and he was going to meetings every night. I didn't know he wasn't clean because I couldn't see him and the way he acted. He wasn't living here. So, I made a decision, one that I regret now and I let him stay. In my mind since I thought he was doing well and it was just one more week until he could pass the test I thought why torture Munchkin with what is a temporary situation.
I now know that was a bad choice. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? And now that he's here... I just can't seem to make him go away. There are large guilt trips involved about how his life will be over and how he loves us so much and this is a disease and he's struggling with it. There are promises of how this is the last time, this time it will be different, he's done, etc.
It has been three weeks of hell and I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do. I'm making decisions, bad decisions, based off of, we owe a lot of money. He will be making money this summer why should he have that money and I be poor. He should have to stick around a pay for it. I have to make better choices. I suck at choices. And decisions... and well pretty much anything where DH is concerned.
So I have sought outside help. I'm e-mailing my sponsor every day, I'm a BAD phone person. I HATE calling people to just "talk." So, e-mail it is. And she is giving me the best advice she can. We also have couples and individual counseling that we will be attending starting this weekend, assuming we make it to this weekend.
So there you have it, he sort of showed up and I'm spineless and didn't make him leave and now I'm afraid I'll screw up Munchkin even more if he leaves and then comes back so I'm trying to decide if permanent removal of him from our household is what's best for all of us or if we can still fix what is broken.
Day Two
Yesterday was better. Well sort of. I found out about the using and the dealing in the morning but then I went to work and the day went ok.
I thought all day about e-mailing the lawyer, he's a family friend, and just getting some advice but I didn't do it. I just couldn't make that leap. So I called a counseling service that has evening and weekend hours and I made an appointment for Saturday for both of us. The guy we are talking to is an expert in couple's counseling but they have someone there that they said DH would see alone who specializes in addiction and chemical dependency.
Then I came home and well, it was just stress all over again. I'm pretty sure I'm REALLY starting to resent him. I forgot my boots so I had to stop at home before I fed the horses and he was asleep on the couch. WTF?? Really? You need to sleep after 7 or 8 hours of work? Like not just a little sleep either, passed out, because I had called at 5:30 and talked to him and woken him up from whatever stupor he was in and he still fell back asleep. So he was sleeping pretty deeply and it just pushed all of my buttons. He had no reason to be that deep into sleep unless he was using or recovering from using this weekend. I'm hoping it was the later but I don't know that for sure.
After that my night calmed down for, oh I don't know and hour. Munchkin and I got some food we played and cleaned up from when everyone was here on Sunday and then I put him to bed. About 8:00 I tried to call DH, he was at a meeting (not AA) with my dad, and I got his voice mail. So I snooped and listened to his message only to find out that he has been back to this house on the East side that he SWORE he would never go to again. I know, never listen to an addict.
And I'm pretty sure that's what pushed me over the edge. I can't go back there again. Today I need to muster up the courage to e-mail the lawyer my questions. When he was using before I was told by DHS that they could not keep DH from Munchkin simply for pot use. That it was not a reason to remove a child or keep them away. I need to find out if that is still true and if it is how I keep DH from being unsupervised with Munchkin on my own. I'm wondering if I could build it in to the divorce decree or if the judge has to be the one to require supervised visits and would a judge do that based on his past history alone or not. I will NOT let Munchkin be with him unsupervised, even if that means staying married to him.
Then we come to the money thing. I don't know if the massive sums of money that we owe my parents can be split upon divorce. They are technically "off the books" debt and the only way to account for them is to ask me or my mom. There isn't any note on my credit report that those sums were paid although I do still have the bills and I'm sure my mom has carbons of the checks she wrote to pay the bills.
Either way, yesterday was counselor day, today is lawyer day. If we make it to Saturday to see the counselor... great. If we don't... I guess I have the lawyer as my backup plan.
I thought all day about e-mailing the lawyer, he's a family friend, and just getting some advice but I didn't do it. I just couldn't make that leap. So I called a counseling service that has evening and weekend hours and I made an appointment for Saturday for both of us. The guy we are talking to is an expert in couple's counseling but they have someone there that they said DH would see alone who specializes in addiction and chemical dependency.
Then I came home and well, it was just stress all over again. I'm pretty sure I'm REALLY starting to resent him. I forgot my boots so I had to stop at home before I fed the horses and he was asleep on the couch. WTF?? Really? You need to sleep after 7 or 8 hours of work? Like not just a little sleep either, passed out, because I had called at 5:30 and talked to him and woken him up from whatever stupor he was in and he still fell back asleep. So he was sleeping pretty deeply and it just pushed all of my buttons. He had no reason to be that deep into sleep unless he was using or recovering from using this weekend. I'm hoping it was the later but I don't know that for sure.
After that my night calmed down for, oh I don't know and hour. Munchkin and I got some food we played and cleaned up from when everyone was here on Sunday and then I put him to bed. About 8:00 I tried to call DH, he was at a meeting (not AA) with my dad, and I got his voice mail. So I snooped and listened to his message only to find out that he has been back to this house on the East side that he SWORE he would never go to again. I know, never listen to an addict.
And I'm pretty sure that's what pushed me over the edge. I can't go back there again. Today I need to muster up the courage to e-mail the lawyer my questions. When he was using before I was told by DHS that they could not keep DH from Munchkin simply for pot use. That it was not a reason to remove a child or keep them away. I need to find out if that is still true and if it is how I keep DH from being unsupervised with Munchkin on my own. I'm wondering if I could build it in to the divorce decree or if the judge has to be the one to require supervised visits and would a judge do that based on his past history alone or not. I will NOT let Munchkin be with him unsupervised, even if that means staying married to him.
Then we come to the money thing. I don't know if the massive sums of money that we owe my parents can be split upon divorce. They are technically "off the books" debt and the only way to account for them is to ask me or my mom. There isn't any note on my credit report that those sums were paid although I do still have the bills and I'm sure my mom has carbons of the checks she wrote to pay the bills.
Either way, yesterday was counselor day, today is lawyer day. If we make it to Saturday to see the counselor... great. If we don't... I guess I have the lawyer as my backup plan.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Day One
In an effort to fix my life and find some happiness I have to be accountable for some things. The only way to do that is to make a conscious effort to have some Al-anon in my life every day. To do that... I'm going to start writing.
This weekend... where do I start. Perhaps I need 3 posts for this. He left on Saturday night. Valentines day and I'm was alone at home while he was out getting high and trying to sell drugs. This all I found out this morning. I mean I knew he was using, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know he was selling until this morning.
So, my major problem of the day, how do I work the program when all I want to do is run in the other direction?
I feel so much like the program is telling me he has a disease, he needs help, take care of yourself, don't try to control him, etc. But no where does it tell me to run like hell!!
I hear of other people: My husband was drinking/using for a year when I was in the program. My husband is still drinking/using. What if I'm not ok with that? What if I don't care that he has a disease because he is an ugly awful person when he uses and I don't want to be around him. He's not violent, at least not right now. Which is a step above last time but I don't like who he is and I don't like who I am when he's like that.
On Saturday I handled it SOO much differently than before. He left and I didn't chase him down. I did try to call him a few times which was a futile attempt because he had already made up his mind to go out and nothing I said was going to get him to stop that.
But at 10:00 I locked the door, took the key, put my phone away and went to sleep. I called again at 6:30 the next morning. That is more than I would have done in the past but it still isn't making me happy. It makes me angry that I even have to do that. I hate the disease, but I'm also starting to hate the person too.
This weekend... where do I start. Perhaps I need 3 posts for this. He left on Saturday night. Valentines day and I'm was alone at home while he was out getting high and trying to sell drugs. This all I found out this morning. I mean I knew he was using, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know he was selling until this morning.
So, my major problem of the day, how do I work the program when all I want to do is run in the other direction?
I feel so much like the program is telling me he has a disease, he needs help, take care of yourself, don't try to control him, etc. But no where does it tell me to run like hell!!
I hear of other people: My husband was drinking/using for a year when I was in the program. My husband is still drinking/using. What if I'm not ok with that? What if I don't care that he has a disease because he is an ugly awful person when he uses and I don't want to be around him. He's not violent, at least not right now. Which is a step above last time but I don't like who he is and I don't like who I am when he's like that.
On Saturday I handled it SOO much differently than before. He left and I didn't chase him down. I did try to call him a few times which was a futile attempt because he had already made up his mind to go out and nothing I said was going to get him to stop that.
But at 10:00 I locked the door, took the key, put my phone away and went to sleep. I called again at 6:30 the next morning. That is more than I would have done in the past but it still isn't making me happy. It makes me angry that I even have to do that. I hate the disease, but I'm also starting to hate the person too.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Dating
First of all, for those of you concerned, it's only been one week... not two, and Munchkin has been sick so if I've been on a computer it has been working not blogging. (I know... not an excuse after all sleep is over rated right??) N-E-way... I'm fine... well in theory...
Ok, there's no transition... I'm just switching topics here. You all still with me? I went and saw a movie tonight with a couple of friends. It has been 5 weeks of busy season, 5 weeks of 55 hour weeks and 6 hours of sleep per night. I SOOO needed that movie.
But the movie, it got me thinking. I miss dating. Isn't that awful? Most married women talk about how they don't miss the is he going to call, the having to put on your best performance, etc. But I miss it. I miss the romance, the mystery, the whole thing. I find myself looking at guys now, wondering if he's single, what would he act like, etc.
This concerns me. I'm still not sure that I want anything other than DH but the mere fact that my mind is starting to wander makes me wonder if I'm even still in this relationship. I can't answer that right now, nor do I want to try. It hurts my brain.
"[...] At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: "Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with."
Today I am trying SOO hard to really listen to my higher power. To take the time to think about all of my options before I make decisions. We live in such a "drive thru" society that everyone around me seems to want me to just make a decision and move on with it. I can't, and won't do that because I know if I do I will always wonder, what if. I have to be ready to jump and I have to have the strength to know that I am making the best decision that I can with the information I have at the moment.
If I leave, I never want to look back and wonder what if. I want to know that I did all I could and that I was ready to walk away. Today, I can't make that call, tomorrow is another day.....
Ok, there's no transition... I'm just switching topics here. You all still with me? I went and saw a movie tonight with a couple of friends. It has been 5 weeks of busy season, 5 weeks of 55 hour weeks and 6 hours of sleep per night. I SOOO needed that movie.
But the movie, it got me thinking. I miss dating. Isn't that awful? Most married women talk about how they don't miss the is he going to call, the having to put on your best performance, etc. But I miss it. I miss the romance, the mystery, the whole thing. I find myself looking at guys now, wondering if he's single, what would he act like, etc.
This concerns me. I'm still not sure that I want anything other than DH but the mere fact that my mind is starting to wander makes me wonder if I'm even still in this relationship. I can't answer that right now, nor do I want to try. It hurts my brain.
"[...] At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: "Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with."
- Courage to Change
Today I am trying SOO hard to really listen to my higher power. To take the time to think about all of my options before I make decisions. We live in such a "drive thru" society that everyone around me seems to want me to just make a decision and move on with it. I can't, and won't do that because I know if I do I will always wonder, what if. I have to be ready to jump and I have to have the strength to know that I am making the best decision that I can with the information I have at the moment.
If I leave, I never want to look back and wonder what if. I want to know that I did all I could and that I was ready to walk away. Today, I can't make that call, tomorrow is another day.....
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