After the domestic DH moved out and back in with his parents. More out of necessity than anything else as there was a mandatory no contact order issued because it was a domestic. However, as soon as I could I started working to get the no contact order lifted and then I started working with his big fancy lawyer that his parents had hired to try to get him out of the charges.
During all of this MW had made it very clear that she did not want him returning to the apartment. That if he came back she was moving out. This was the first time I was asked to choose between him and someone else and the first time I picked him. I made excuses but at the end of the day I still picked him.
She wasn't working and he had a job in our town that he was having to drive 45 minutes to and from every day. So I used that as the reason he needed to come back. It was lame and a cop out but I did it just the same. So somewhere in the beginning of October she moved all of her things back to her parents house and DH moved back in.
Saturday, October 2, 1999
Saturday, September 18, 1999
The Domestic
**This is verbatim from the statement I gave to police. Most of it I don't remember but it gives you an idea as to how dysfunctional we were and how crazy this disease made me. I'm sorry it's so long. I was very wordy....**
It all started in my bedroom. DH cam in and told me he had decided that he didn't want to go to a movie. I got upset and told him that I was getting ready and that he was going with me. He went to leave the room and I stood in front of him so he sat on the bed. After talking for a few minutes he told me to get ready and we would go and he went into the living room.
While curling my hair I heard the front door close and footsteps on the stairs. So I ran from my room to the stairwell and down the stairs and I caught him at the bottom of the stairwell and asked where he was going. He said to get a cigarette and he promised to come back so I went back into the apartment.
I continued to curl my hair and DH came back up and went out onto the deck to smoke. After a few minutes he came back to the bedroom and said I really don't want to go. I told him that he promised and he got mad and said whatever and stomped into the living room. I then heard the door open again and I sprinted for it. He was on his way down the stairs and I tried to stop him numerous times but couldn't. Finally at the bottom of the stairs I got in front of the door and told him to go upstairs. He told me that he wanted to leave and I said he needed to go upstairs. He tried to move me but I held on to the door knob so he stomped back upstairs and sat in the living room.
Back upstairs I was getting really mad and so was he. Every time he would get up I would go stand in front of the door. It was that this point that MW came over and started bitching about him. She said, "Well just tell him to go to hell and you can come with me. He's an asshole you should just come out with me." Well this made DH mad and he came over and told her to stay out of it and that we shouldn't be talking behind his back. I told him we weren't and that I just wasn't leaving because I had to stay and babysit him because he has promised to do something with me so he was going to, whether it was at a movie or sitting in the apartment all night.
By this point he was pretty angry. MW headed towards the bathroom to finish getting ready and DH went into the living room and sat down. I went in to talk to him and sat in another chair. We talked for a little bit and then he got up to leave and I ran to get in front of him. I tried to shove him and he tried to get to the door without hurting me. We kind of wrestled for placement a little and somehow I ended up in front of him. I grabbed on to the doorknob and he tried to move me. He then looked at me and said, "You better move because I don't want to hurt you." I didn't move so he tried to move me again and couldn't. He then said, "Move, I don't want to hurt you." and I said, "Go ahead because I'm not moving." However the next time he tried to move me I let go of the doorknob so the added force he used sent me flying across the kitchen. I was so mad I went after him and jumped on his back and hit him on the back of the head.
He was a wrestler so he swung me around into sort of a headlock and tried to get me to go back into the apartment. I stumbled and he looked at me and said you better be careful, you don't want to fall down the stairs. I said I didn't care and he went back inside. Then MW decided to get involved. I told him that I wanted him to go and get anything he had brought with him (because he was supposed to spend the night) and get out.
{{Interjecting briefly here... he lived with us... but I was trying to convince the police he didn't so they would drop the domestic charge. I was hoping they would see that both of us were crazy and that he didn't live there so it couldn't be domestic. I think the crazy part is well established....}}
He said he would come back for it later and I told him he wouldn't and that I wanted the key he had to the apartment. He took it off of the key chain and threw it across the apartment. MW went and got it and picked up the phone and set the key on the counter.
He went to leave and I was in too much of a shocked state to stop him but then I ran after him. He went to his car and I followed telling him he didn't need to leave and that he needed to go get any clothes he brought because I didn't want him to come back. He got into the car and started it and I reached for the keys and he pushed me away. I then jumped into the car as he was backing it. My body was behind him and my legs were out the door but he wouldn't stop. I guess he must have hit the other car then because he stopped and pulled forward. He then got out and I grabbed his keys. that's when he grabbed my arms and swung me into the other car in an attempt to get his keys back. He tried to pry them from my hand and said you better give me my keys so I don't hurt you.
At this point I thought he might hit me so I told MW (who was standing at the bottom of the stairs) that if he touched me she needed to call the police. So he walked away from me towards her and told her if she called he'd hurt her. So I put the keys in my pocket, locked the car and shut the door. I then walked past him and past MW and up to the apartment. MW followed and then DH. She tried to shut the door but he came in. I went and sat on the couch because I was in shock. DH came to talk to me and I wasn't scared of him. he asked me for his keys but I didn't give them to him. He then headed for the bathroom and I followed. He tried to use the phone but I unplugged it saying it was my phone. He then got a phone out of the closet that he had given me and tried to use it and I wouldn't let him so he went to the closet to put it away and I went into the bathroom.
The next thing I know I heard him yell, "If I can't take my car I'll take yours." And so I ran after him and he said give me my keys and I refused so he headed towards my car down the stairs and I got in front of him and he just looked defeated and set my keys on the stairs and walked past me.
He walked through the parking lot and was on his way to a pay phone when the police arrived. The house key he had he must have grabbed on the way out with my keys.
**************************************
Wow.... it has been a good 5 - 7 years since I have read that story and just reading it now makes me cringe. That, right there, is how DH and I continued to fight for the remainder of our relationship. He would try to leave I would threaten, cry, scream, take away keys, anything to get him to stay.
In the end he was physically violent with me but over 50% of the time there was a chance to walk away before it happened and I didn't take it.
It all started in my bedroom. DH cam in and told me he had decided that he didn't want to go to a movie. I got upset and told him that I was getting ready and that he was going with me. He went to leave the room and I stood in front of him so he sat on the bed. After talking for a few minutes he told me to get ready and we would go and he went into the living room.
While curling my hair I heard the front door close and footsteps on the stairs. So I ran from my room to the stairwell and down the stairs and I caught him at the bottom of the stairwell and asked where he was going. He said to get a cigarette and he promised to come back so I went back into the apartment.
I continued to curl my hair and DH came back up and went out onto the deck to smoke. After a few minutes he came back to the bedroom and said I really don't want to go. I told him that he promised and he got mad and said whatever and stomped into the living room. I then heard the door open again and I sprinted for it. He was on his way down the stairs and I tried to stop him numerous times but couldn't. Finally at the bottom of the stairs I got in front of the door and told him to go upstairs. He told me that he wanted to leave and I said he needed to go upstairs. He tried to move me but I held on to the door knob so he stomped back upstairs and sat in the living room.
Back upstairs I was getting really mad and so was he. Every time he would get up I would go stand in front of the door. It was that this point that MW came over and started bitching about him. She said, "Well just tell him to go to hell and you can come with me. He's an asshole you should just come out with me." Well this made DH mad and he came over and told her to stay out of it and that we shouldn't be talking behind his back. I told him we weren't and that I just wasn't leaving because I had to stay and babysit him because he has promised to do something with me so he was going to, whether it was at a movie or sitting in the apartment all night.
By this point he was pretty angry. MW headed towards the bathroom to finish getting ready and DH went into the living room and sat down. I went in to talk to him and sat in another chair. We talked for a little bit and then he got up to leave and I ran to get in front of him. I tried to shove him and he tried to get to the door without hurting me. We kind of wrestled for placement a little and somehow I ended up in front of him. I grabbed on to the doorknob and he tried to move me. He then looked at me and said, "You better move because I don't want to hurt you." I didn't move so he tried to move me again and couldn't. He then said, "Move, I don't want to hurt you." and I said, "Go ahead because I'm not moving." However the next time he tried to move me I let go of the doorknob so the added force he used sent me flying across the kitchen. I was so mad I went after him and jumped on his back and hit him on the back of the head.
He was a wrestler so he swung me around into sort of a headlock and tried to get me to go back into the apartment. I stumbled and he looked at me and said you better be careful, you don't want to fall down the stairs. I said I didn't care and he went back inside. Then MW decided to get involved. I told him that I wanted him to go and get anything he had brought with him (because he was supposed to spend the night) and get out.
{{Interjecting briefly here... he lived with us... but I was trying to convince the police he didn't so they would drop the domestic charge. I was hoping they would see that both of us were crazy and that he didn't live there so it couldn't be domestic. I think the crazy part is well established....}}
He said he would come back for it later and I told him he wouldn't and that I wanted the key he had to the apartment. He took it off of the key chain and threw it across the apartment. MW went and got it and picked up the phone and set the key on the counter.
He went to leave and I was in too much of a shocked state to stop him but then I ran after him. He went to his car and I followed telling him he didn't need to leave and that he needed to go get any clothes he brought because I didn't want him to come back. He got into the car and started it and I reached for the keys and he pushed me away. I then jumped into the car as he was backing it. My body was behind him and my legs were out the door but he wouldn't stop. I guess he must have hit the other car then because he stopped and pulled forward. He then got out and I grabbed his keys. that's when he grabbed my arms and swung me into the other car in an attempt to get his keys back. He tried to pry them from my hand and said you better give me my keys so I don't hurt you.
At this point I thought he might hit me so I told MW (who was standing at the bottom of the stairs) that if he touched me she needed to call the police. So he walked away from me towards her and told her if she called he'd hurt her. So I put the keys in my pocket, locked the car and shut the door. I then walked past him and past MW and up to the apartment. MW followed and then DH. She tried to shut the door but he came in. I went and sat on the couch because I was in shock. DH came to talk to me and I wasn't scared of him. he asked me for his keys but I didn't give them to him. He then headed for the bathroom and I followed. He tried to use the phone but I unplugged it saying it was my phone. He then got a phone out of the closet that he had given me and tried to use it and I wouldn't let him so he went to the closet to put it away and I went into the bathroom.
The next thing I know I heard him yell, "If I can't take my car I'll take yours." And so I ran after him and he said give me my keys and I refused so he headed towards my car down the stairs and I got in front of him and he just looked defeated and set my keys on the stairs and walked past me.
He walked through the parking lot and was on his way to a pay phone when the police arrived. The house key he had he must have grabbed on the way out with my keys.
**************************************
Wow.... it has been a good 5 - 7 years since I have read that story and just reading it now makes me cringe. That, right there, is how DH and I continued to fight for the remainder of our relationship. He would try to leave I would threaten, cry, scream, take away keys, anything to get him to stay.
In the end he was physically violent with me but over 50% of the time there was a chance to walk away before it happened and I didn't take it.
Friday, September 10, 1999
The Party
I'm not a partier. I have never been a partier. I did not attend a single party during my high school days and during college I went to one and only one party. I remember vividly trying to fit into DH's life. He was living with me now and I desperately wanted to try to be that happy couple I had been dreaming of.
So one weekend he decided to take me to a party with his new friend D. I'm guessing he figured this would be a mild party for me to get brought into. I can remember the row of "apartments" we went to that looked like storage sheds from the outside. I can remember the one that they told me not to get to close to, it was guarded by a big dog. In my head I have a vision of something off of the Sandlot but I think that was just in my head. I'm not sure I ever saw this killer dog.
Once I was inside this "apartment" (and I use that term loosely) I began looking around and immediately judging what I was seeing. It was small and not well taken care of. The people at this party were making crude druggie jokes. At one point there was a story told about C's little sister and how they could say to her that it was 3:20 and she knew that meant she had to go to the other room so they could get high.
It was at that point I felt trapped. I wanted to run for the door but I didn't want to seem uncool. I desperately wanted to fit in to DH's world so I could be a part of it but I felt horribly uncomfortable and out of place.
After a little while longer one of the guys said something and then they all headed upstairs. The gist of it was that they were going upstairs to get high. Thinking back on this I kick myself. I knew they were going upstairs to get high. Yet, I stood there and did nothing. Just allowed it to happen. This is what happens at parties I told myself. Be the cool girlfriend. Act like it's no big deal. Be a part of his world.
In the 13 years I was with DH I never once saw him do drugs. This night was no exception. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. After about 20 - 30 minutes he came back downstairs and we acted as if everything was cool.
So one weekend he decided to take me to a party with his new friend D. I'm guessing he figured this would be a mild party for me to get brought into. I can remember the row of "apartments" we went to that looked like storage sheds from the outside. I can remember the one that they told me not to get to close to, it was guarded by a big dog. In my head I have a vision of something off of the Sandlot but I think that was just in my head. I'm not sure I ever saw this killer dog.
Once I was inside this "apartment" (and I use that term loosely) I began looking around and immediately judging what I was seeing. It was small and not well taken care of. The people at this party were making crude druggie jokes. At one point there was a story told about C's little sister and how they could say to her that it was 3:20 and she knew that meant she had to go to the other room so they could get high.
It was at that point I felt trapped. I wanted to run for the door but I didn't want to seem uncool. I desperately wanted to fit in to DH's world so I could be a part of it but I felt horribly uncomfortable and out of place.
After a little while longer one of the guys said something and then they all headed upstairs. The gist of it was that they were going upstairs to get high. Thinking back on this I kick myself. I knew they were going upstairs to get high. Yet, I stood there and did nothing. Just allowed it to happen. This is what happens at parties I told myself. Be the cool girlfriend. Act like it's no big deal. Be a part of his world.
In the 13 years I was with DH I never once saw him do drugs. This night was no exception. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. After about 20 - 30 minutes he came back downstairs and we acted as if everything was cool.
Thursday, September 2, 1999
Finding Them
When DH moved in with me I guess I thought moving to a new town would force him to find new people. This is something that happens a lot in the program. People think a relocation will change things, make them better. But it doesn't.
As soon as DH moved in he set about finding a job. The first job he found was as a chef in a restaurant. Unfortunately they had him working the night shift which he didn't like. He says it was because he never got to see me but I'm guessing it has more to do with him not getting to see his friends.
After about a week or two he ended up quiting that job and finding a job for a landscaping company mowing lawns. Within the first week of that job he had found a new group of druggies to hang out with. D worked with him and his girlfriend C was also into it.
I remember at one point having a conversation with DH, one I have also had with several people in the program regarding finding these people. How do they find them? How do you know to just walk up to someone and ask them about illegal drugs?
Regardless of how he did it, he did it and thus began the same old ways just in a new location.
As soon as DH moved in he set about finding a job. The first job he found was as a chef in a restaurant. Unfortunately they had him working the night shift which he didn't like. He says it was because he never got to see me but I'm guessing it has more to do with him not getting to see his friends.
After about a week or two he ended up quiting that job and finding a job for a landscaping company mowing lawns. Within the first week of that job he had found a new group of druggies to hang out with. D worked with him and his girlfriend C was also into it.
I remember at one point having a conversation with DH, one I have also had with several people in the program regarding finding these people. How do they find them? How do you know to just walk up to someone and ask them about illegal drugs?
Regardless of how he did it, he did it and thus began the same old ways just in a new location.
Sunday, August 15, 1999
The Apartment
Despite the fighting and the uncertainty somewhere along the line DH and I decide that it is a good idea to move in together. We find a two bedroom apartment and my best friend MW and I sign the lease.
The idea is that DH will live there and we will split the rent three ways but he will not be on the lease for... well I'm not quite sure what the rational was here. It is quite possible that MW and I got the apartment and DH decided to live with us later.
Either way we got the apartment on August 15th. We told my parents DH would be moving in with us about August 10th. My dad's response was there are only two bedrooms, where will he sleep?
I think they thought it was a bad idea right from the start but they never told me no. Maybe because I was 19 and they thought I would rebel. Maybe because they never realized just how bad it was. I'm not sure but I really wish they would have.
The idea is that DH will live there and we will split the rent three ways but he will not be on the lease for... well I'm not quite sure what the rational was here. It is quite possible that MW and I got the apartment and DH decided to live with us later.
Either way we got the apartment on August 15th. We told my parents DH would be moving in with us about August 10th. My dad's response was there are only two bedrooms, where will he sleep?
I think they thought it was a bad idea right from the start but they never told me no. Maybe because I was 19 and they thought I would rebel. Maybe because they never realized just how bad it was. I'm not sure but I really wish they would have.
Tuesday, July 20, 1999
Done?
How do you know when you've fallen out of love with someone? He called last night alright, promised to see me this afternoon then cancelled to be with D the scum from hell.
I saw him, for a minute and I know he'd been drinking and probably smoking pot. I don't know what it's like not to love DH, but if it's possible that's probably where I'm at.
Everyone wants him to live with me and I just want to forget he ever exhisted. I can't say I hate him, but right now I dispise him.
Everything he does makes me sick! I'm in a three-year relationship with a man I don't know and never see.
I can't call him because I just left him fifteen min ago and he said he's call me when he got home. That could be 11:30 for all I know!
I think I will always lover him but I'm am not in love with him anymore and I don't know if we can get that back.
God I hate my life!!
I saw him, for a minute and I know he'd been drinking and probably smoking pot. I don't know what it's like not to love DH, but if it's possible that's probably where I'm at.
Everyone wants him to live with me and I just want to forget he ever exhisted. I can't say I hate him, but right now I dispise him.
Everything he does makes me sick! I'm in a three-year relationship with a man I don't know and never see.
I can't call him because I just left him fifteen min ago and he said he's call me when he got home. That could be 11:30 for all I know!
I think I will always lover him but I'm am not in love with him anymore and I don't know if we can get that back.
God I hate my life!!
Thursday, July 8, 1999
M&D's Wedding
D had been my friend since I was in high school. In July she got married to M. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time I had ever been in a wedding and I was pretty excited about it.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
Monday, July 5, 1999
Trip to MO
For July 4th we decided to go down to Lake of the Ozarks in MO. I remember that my parents didn't want us to go and I remember pulling the I am 19 and we are going to stay with family it will be fine card.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
Sunday, May 2, 1999
Happy Birthday
Somewhere along the way I learned that my birthday and any other should be important day (i.e. anniversary, valentine's day, etc.) was just another way for me to be disappointed. The first one I remember was either when I turned 17 or 18. I went to look for him because he was not at his house and found him down this long lane by his house smoking pot with this kid.
He tried to blow it off like it was nothing and handed me a card. A card and a red rose from Hy-Vee purchased on his way home. That was what I was getting for every major occasion. With out fail.
The year I turned 19 he added something to the mix. Instead of just the normal disappointment he got a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia and underage possession of alcohol.
Happy Birthday to me...
He tried to blow it off like it was nothing and handed me a card. A card and a red rose from Hy-Vee purchased on his way home. That was what I was getting for every major occasion. With out fail.
The year I turned 19 he added something to the mix. Instead of just the normal disappointment he got a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia and underage possession of alcohol.
Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, February 16, 1999
Compromising My Values
Sometime in early 1999 my main focus turned to keeping DH around. At this point I had invested over two years in this relationship and I sort of felt like I had to keep him around. Every time he got in a fight with his parents I would get a guilt trip from them about how I was so good for him and he would be so much worse without me.
Somewhere along the line I decided that it was my job to try to save him. And to do that, I had to compromise some of the values I had. The first time I wrote about it was as follows:
I guess things are slowly getting better, but he still does pot at parties. I don't know what to do about that. It REALLY bothers me, but according to him its no worse than drinking and my father drinks, so what can I say about that?
Always, a justification. Always a reason why it was ok, in that instance. Somewhere in early 1999 I had also convinced myself that when he graduated from high school we were going to move in together. It was all part of my plan. The plan to save him. Marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after.
But... not with him... with the guy I wanted him to be. The very next paragraph in my journal shows that very obviously:
All I know is that if we live together next year I WILL NOT have that shit in my house. And with the way his parents and him have been getting along that may be more of a possibility.
Looking back now I wonder why I didn't see it. That perhaps there was a reason he was not getting along with his parents. That perhaps I should open my eyes instead of blaming them and see the real problem which was him.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda I suppose....
Somewhere along the line I decided that it was my job to try to save him. And to do that, I had to compromise some of the values I had. The first time I wrote about it was as follows:
I guess things are slowly getting better, but he still does pot at parties. I don't know what to do about that. It REALLY bothers me, but according to him its no worse than drinking and my father drinks, so what can I say about that?
Always, a justification. Always a reason why it was ok, in that instance. Somewhere in early 1999 I had also convinced myself that when he graduated from high school we were going to move in together. It was all part of my plan. The plan to save him. Marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after.
But... not with him... with the guy I wanted him to be. The very next paragraph in my journal shows that very obviously:
All I know is that if we live together next year I WILL NOT have that shit in my house. And with the way his parents and him have been getting along that may be more of a possibility.
Looking back now I wonder why I didn't see it. That perhaps there was a reason he was not getting along with his parents. That perhaps I should open my eyes instead of blaming them and see the real problem which was him.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda I suppose....
Sunday, November 15, 1998
The Beginning of the Violence
I'm at DH's house. His sister and her new boyfriend are sitting in the sun room. DH and I are arguing. We always argue. This time it's about what it is always about. He wants to go with his friends, I want him to spend time with me.
He doesn't have a car. I'm not sure if it has been taken from him or if it is just in the shop but at the moment I am his ride and I'm not doing what he wants. He wants me to take him to a friend's house and I want him to stay here and "talk with me."
He grabs the house phone, this is before he has a cell phone, and heads for his bedroom to call a friend. I threaten him, I yell I scream and yet he locks the door so I can't get in. So I tell him I'm going to unplug the phone in the kitchen (it's a cordless). This is my standard protocol. Yell, scream and threaten. Anything I can to control the situation.
I turn around and head for the kitchen. I come around the island and just as I am reaching for the phone cord I hear footsteps behind me. He is yelling and running at me and the next thing I know I am airborne. I sail for a good 20 - 30 feet from the kitchen over the dinning area and land in the mud room next to the back door.
His sister and her boyfriend are stunned. I am in shock. He has never touched me before and now this. I don't know what to do. He retreats to his bedroom and I begin to cry. I'm just sitting there on the floor, pretty convinced that my tailbone is broken and not sure what the hell to do next.
Eventually, his sister and her boyfriend emerge from the sun room. They ask if I am ok and I weakly tell them yes and then I get up and head for my car. Like a dog with its tail between its legs I retreat. I'm not angry, I'm sad and embarrassed. I feel like I did something wrong.
He doesn't have a car. I'm not sure if it has been taken from him or if it is just in the shop but at the moment I am his ride and I'm not doing what he wants. He wants me to take him to a friend's house and I want him to stay here and "talk with me."
He grabs the house phone, this is before he has a cell phone, and heads for his bedroom to call a friend. I threaten him, I yell I scream and yet he locks the door so I can't get in. So I tell him I'm going to unplug the phone in the kitchen (it's a cordless). This is my standard protocol. Yell, scream and threaten. Anything I can to control the situation.
I turn around and head for the kitchen. I come around the island and just as I am reaching for the phone cord I hear footsteps behind me. He is yelling and running at me and the next thing I know I am airborne. I sail for a good 20 - 30 feet from the kitchen over the dinning area and land in the mud room next to the back door.
His sister and her boyfriend are stunned. I am in shock. He has never touched me before and now this. I don't know what to do. He retreats to his bedroom and I begin to cry. I'm just sitting there on the floor, pretty convinced that my tailbone is broken and not sure what the hell to do next.
Eventually, his sister and her boyfriend emerge from the sun room. They ask if I am ok and I weakly tell them yes and then I get up and head for my car. Like a dog with its tail between its legs I retreat. I'm not angry, I'm sad and embarrassed. I feel like I did something wrong.
Saturday, November 7, 1998
Mother or Girlfriend?
We'll see if he can get a job. He had one, for three weeks, which he quit/got fired from. So, he's been one week without and he better get one soon or I will not be happy.
Wednesday, October 21, 1998
Temper, Temper
By October of 1998 I was already doing everything I could to avoid DH's temper. I wrote in my journal that:
I'm so afraid to bring it up though. I'm not ready to fight with him again. A lot of things scare me. We need to talk so badly, but it scares me. I hate his temper and it seems I'll do anything to stay away from it.
From this point forward my life became about walking on egg shells and the HUGE arguments that ensued when I just couldn't do it any more. Every time I would let things fester and then it would be one giant blow up. Right from the beginning I didn't want to make him mad, never realizing that not speaking up would make things much, much worse.
I'm so afraid to bring it up though. I'm not ready to fight with him again. A lot of things scare me. We need to talk so badly, but it scares me. I hate his temper and it seems I'll do anything to stay away from it.
From this point forward my life became about walking on egg shells and the HUGE arguments that ensued when I just couldn't do it any more. Every time I would let things fester and then it would be one giant blow up. Right from the beginning I didn't want to make him mad, never realizing that not speaking up would make things much, much worse.
Tuesday, October 20, 1998
Once a Cheater...
The second time DH cheated on me, that I know of, was in October of 1998. I don't remember a thing about this incident other than the fact that it is written in my journal. Looking back I find that the most depressing part. That this had become such old hat that it doesn't even warrant a memory in my brain.
So, once again, I will quote verbatim from the journal:
Well, my life has become confusing again. On the 10th DH broke up with me. On the 9th he cheated on me. So I guess on the 10th I broke up with him. Then on Sunday the 18th he called me and begged my forgiveness. Then, I went to see him (which I probably shouldn't have) and now I haven't talked to him since.
I told him I wasn't ready to take him back full time yet. That I had to gain a lot of trust in him and that I had to get the musical out of the way. So now I wonder if he's thinking, hey I got the best of both worlds. I have her and anyone else I want.
Which is NOT what I want at all. I want him to be faithful. He can't prove I can trust him if he can't do that. So now I don't know what to do. I love him but I no longer want to be treated like shit.
Saturday, September 12, 1998
The Wedding
I will never, as long as I live, forget the day of IDM's wedding. And in talking with him, he will never forget it either. As his bride was walking down the isle I was the only person in the church not looking at her. I was too busy looking at him. Hoping against all hope that he would change his mind, tell her he couldn't marry her and bolt for the back of the church.
He said he remembers me looking at him. He's supposed to be watching is new wife walk down the isle and there he is looking at me as I'm looking at him. He says I was giving him a death look, I think I was just signaling the end of life as he knew it.
I remember telling someone that it was the most loveless marriage I had ever been to. Their toasts at their reception were I always knew they'd get married. Nothing about how much they loved each other, nothing about how they were destined to be together.
She wanted to be married before the baby so the wedding was rushed and I just remember thinking that will never be my day. And ya know what, it wasn't. My wedding was fancy and overblown and took a year and a half to plan and while they are just as miserable as DH and I were they are still married and we are not.
So, I guess in a way, neither one of us seemed to have succeeded.
He said he remembers me looking at him. He's supposed to be watching is new wife walk down the isle and there he is looking at me as I'm looking at him. He says I was giving him a death look, I think I was just signaling the end of life as he knew it.
I remember telling someone that it was the most loveless marriage I had ever been to. Their toasts at their reception were I always knew they'd get married. Nothing about how much they loved each other, nothing about how they were destined to be together.
She wanted to be married before the baby so the wedding was rushed and I just remember thinking that will never be my day. And ya know what, it wasn't. My wedding was fancy and overblown and took a year and a half to plan and while they are just as miserable as DH and I were they are still married and we are not.
So, I guess in a way, neither one of us seemed to have succeeded.
Monday, August 17, 1998
Engagement
Sometime in the summer of 1998 my parents got a phone call I will NEVER forget. Someone called to tell them that IDM was engaged. I remember them telling me like it was no big deal. They had no idea that somewhere, in the back of my mind, I kept hoping he was my way out.
When they told me that my heart just SANK. I remember going to my room and crying and crying. I could not figure out why he would marry her if he had just been broken up with her a few months earlier. It was a few more months before I found out she was pregnant.
Part of me gave up the day I found out he was getting married. There was a part of me that just stopped fighting, stopped raging against what I hated in my relationship and just accepted that was my life and that was what it was always going to be.
18 years old and I felt like there would be no one else out there worth looking for so I gave up. Is it possible to go back in time and shake your former self??
When they told me that my heart just SANK. I remember going to my room and crying and crying. I could not figure out why he would marry her if he had just been broken up with her a few months earlier. It was a few more months before I found out she was pregnant.
Part of me gave up the day I found out he was getting married. There was a part of me that just stopped fighting, stopped raging against what I hated in my relationship and just accepted that was my life and that was what it was always going to be.
18 years old and I felt like there would be no one else out there worth looking for so I gave up. Is it possible to go back in time and shake your former self??
Saturday, August 15, 1998
25th Anniversary Party
My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary on August 4, 1998 and in honor of that they decided to renew their vows and have a very large party. The date of that party was August 15, 1998. DH came to the party and about an hour into the party he told me that he had a movie that he had to return to the movie story.
His excuse was that his mom would be mad if they had a late fee and so he had to drive the movie back but he would be quick and be back right away. An hour later he was still not back and I was in my parents office trying to call him. Over and over and over trying to call his parents house and other numbers I had for him.
He didn't have a cell phone at the time so I was just trying to call anyone I thought of where he might have stopped. Two hours later he finally called me from a pay phone. He had been pulled over for speeding and he had gotten a ticket for no insurance along with the speeding ticket and just for good measure they had towed his car.
I spent two hours of my parents party in the office next to the phone and another hour gone because I had to be the one to leave the party and go get him.
I'm thinking the late movie fee would have been cheaper.....
His excuse was that his mom would be mad if they had a late fee and so he had to drive the movie back but he would be quick and be back right away. An hour later he was still not back and I was in my parents office trying to call him. Over and over and over trying to call his parents house and other numbers I had for him.
He didn't have a cell phone at the time so I was just trying to call anyone I thought of where he might have stopped. Two hours later he finally called me from a pay phone. He had been pulled over for speeding and he had gotten a ticket for no insurance along with the speeding ticket and just for good measure they had towed his car.
I spent two hours of my parents party in the office next to the phone and another hour gone because I had to be the one to leave the party and go get him.
I'm thinking the late movie fee would have been cheaper.....
Sunday, May 31, 1998
Graduation
When I graduated from High School DH showed up at my graduation party with a gift. Never in our year and a half relationship had he purchased me a gift without me knowing about it and so I was a little surprised. I can still remember where I was standing when I opened it, with him and his mom looking on.
It was a ring. A blue topaz, in the shape of a heart with two diamonds on the side. It is his birthstone. It was supposed to signify how much his heart would be with me when I went away to college.
I can still feel the sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I opened it. I did not know it was possible to love and hate something so much all at the same time. I was excited that he had gotten me a surprise. Loved that it was a ring, I was into rings, I had one on each finger but I HATED the fact that it made me feel like I owed him something.
Now he had given me this beautiful ring I couldn't just break up with him when I went off to college. For me, it was always something. Always an excuse why I COULDN'T leave, even though I REALLY wanted to.
To make matters worse Impossible Dream Man (IDM) showed up at my party. Him and I had ALWAYS joked that he was going to come back for me when I turned 18 but I never... EVER believed that it was true. Yet there he was, I had turned 18 just a few weeks prior and there he was at my party.
He pulled me aside and told me that him and his girlfriend had broken up and my stomach just sank further. Inside, at my party, was DH and his mom and on my hand was this ring he had just given to me, yet standing in front of me was the man I really wanted to be with.
To this day I STILL kick myself for picking the way I did. I don't know if IDM and I would have ever even gone on one date. I don't know if we did if we would have liked each other. But I REALLY.... REALLY wish I would have given the ring back to DH and given it a shot. Now, I will never know.
It was a ring. A blue topaz, in the shape of a heart with two diamonds on the side. It is his birthstone. It was supposed to signify how much his heart would be with me when I went away to college.
I can still feel the sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I opened it. I did not know it was possible to love and hate something so much all at the same time. I was excited that he had gotten me a surprise. Loved that it was a ring, I was into rings, I had one on each finger but I HATED the fact that it made me feel like I owed him something.
Now he had given me this beautiful ring I couldn't just break up with him when I went off to college. For me, it was always something. Always an excuse why I COULDN'T leave, even though I REALLY wanted to.
To make matters worse Impossible Dream Man (IDM) showed up at my party. Him and I had ALWAYS joked that he was going to come back for me when I turned 18 but I never... EVER believed that it was true. Yet there he was, I had turned 18 just a few weeks prior and there he was at my party.
He pulled me aside and told me that him and his girlfriend had broken up and my stomach just sank further. Inside, at my party, was DH and his mom and on my hand was this ring he had just given to me, yet standing in front of me was the man I really wanted to be with.
To this day I STILL kick myself for picking the way I did. I don't know if IDM and I would have ever even gone on one date. I don't know if we did if we would have liked each other. But I REALLY.... REALLY wish I would have given the ring back to DH and given it a shot. Now, I will never know.
Monday, May 11, 1998
05/11/98
Well, I'm still here, still with DH. Although I'm beginning to want out. I love him more than anything else in the world but what I want from him I'm afraid he can never give me. And every day it becomes harder and harder to leave but sometimes I want more.
He doesn't think pot is bad. He's a kid and I don't know if he'll ever realize that. He hasn't done it for a week but he says after high school he may go back to it. I don't think I can do that. If it's this hard to get out now, how hard will ti be later.
I love him, that I know but i hurt because of him. I wish there was no such thing as drugs and alcohol. I wish I never had to deal with this. Sometimes I wish I was dead. That way that hurting would stop.
What I want from him is forever; a clean forever. What will I get? Maybe a month. Tow or three more and I have to get out. Living like this is killing me. I want him, but I WANT HIM CLEAN!!
***************
I'm not even sure if I can express to you how much it hurts me to read these words. To know what my life became and to know that it took 11 more years of this and much, much worse for me to finally walk away.
11 years of my life and I will never know why. Why did I stay?
He doesn't think pot is bad. He's a kid and I don't know if he'll ever realize that. He hasn't done it for a week but he says after high school he may go back to it. I don't think I can do that. If it's this hard to get out now, how hard will ti be later.
I love him, that I know but i hurt because of him. I wish there was no such thing as drugs and alcohol. I wish I never had to deal with this. Sometimes I wish I was dead. That way that hurting would stop.
What I want from him is forever; a clean forever. What will I get? Maybe a month. Tow or three more and I have to get out. Living like this is killing me. I want him, but I WANT HIM CLEAN!!
***************
I'm not even sure if I can express to you how much it hurts me to read these words. To know what my life became and to know that it took 11 more years of this and much, much worse for me to finally walk away.
11 years of my life and I will never know why. Why did I stay?
Tuesday, March 31, 1998
03/31/98
**I'm pulling this verbatim from my journal. I'm not sure how I can paraphrase it or make it sound any better than it was already written to be.**
Well it's been about four months since I last wrote anything. Four months of pure hell might I add. Yes, DH and I are still together. However he's not clean. Then why am I still with him? I ask myself that once a day, really I do.
But I love him, more than anything else in the world. But there are so many times I just think, I want out, God help me. But then I see him or I talk to him and I fall in love all over again. Without him I don't feel whole, but with him I often feel empty.
Right now I don't think he's talking to me because of the latest pot incident. I just wish so much he'd get his act together and at least stop lying to me. I love him, and nothing he can say or do, besides cheating on me, will make me love him any less.
Who knows, maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. Maybe I should just do what MIL says and drop him and find myself. But I don't want to. I want to love him, I do love him. And so life stays complicated, at least for now.
************************
If only I could go back. If only I could leave the journal where my mother could find it or someone... ANYONE who could shake that 17 year old me and tell me over and over that I am worth SO much more than that.
Somewhere, somehow I convinced myself that love was all that mattered. If I loved him then I HAD to stay with him. Oh how I wish I could take that back now....
Well it's been about four months since I last wrote anything. Four months of pure hell might I add. Yes, DH and I are still together. However he's not clean. Then why am I still with him? I ask myself that once a day, really I do.
But I love him, more than anything else in the world. But there are so many times I just think, I want out, God help me. But then I see him or I talk to him and I fall in love all over again. Without him I don't feel whole, but with him I often feel empty.
Right now I don't think he's talking to me because of the latest pot incident. I just wish so much he'd get his act together and at least stop lying to me. I love him, and nothing he can say or do, besides cheating on me, will make me love him any less.
Who knows, maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. Maybe I should just do what MIL says and drop him and find myself. But I don't want to. I want to love him, I do love him. And so life stays complicated, at least for now.
************************
If only I could go back. If only I could leave the journal where my mother could find it or someone... ANYONE who could shake that 17 year old me and tell me over and over that I am worth SO much more than that.
Somewhere, somehow I convinced myself that love was all that mattered. If I loved him then I HAD to stay with him. Oh how I wish I could take that back now....
Thursday, December 25, 1997
The Ring
Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that if DH gave me a ring, then it would mean that he was serious about me. That we were going to be together forever. Of course that's what giving a girl a ring means.
So I started dropping hints. Not subtle at all. Large hints. Elephant in the room hints that what I wanted for Christmas contained Emeralds and gold and could be warn on my finger.
Really subtle right?
So... imagine my surprise when on Christmas morning I opened a box and what did it contain. Why a ring with an Emerald in the center.
So I started dropping hints. Not subtle at all. Large hints. Elephant in the room hints that what I wanted for Christmas contained Emeralds and gold and could be warn on my finger.
Really subtle right?
So... imagine my surprise when on Christmas morning I opened a box and what did it contain. Why a ring with an Emerald in the center.
Friday, November 14, 1997
Broken Down
"I stopped by his house tonight and he was obnoxious right from the start. It was horrible. He told me he didn't want me there and that he had told me no before, which he didn't. Then he told me to go home. Then he told me I was at his house 24 hours a day.
He's the one who told me I could come to his house no matter whether he was there or not and that I was always welcome and now he's going back on that.
He embarrassed and hurt me in front of his parents and MS. It was awful and it still hurts thinking about it.
He basically told em I was a pest and a bother to him and he only wanted me there when it was convenient for him.
AND that hurts, more than he'll ever know.
The worst part is I can't cry: It hurts so much I can't cry."
He's the one who told me I could come to his house no matter whether he was there or not and that I was always welcome and now he's going back on that.
He embarrassed and hurt me in front of his parents and MS. It was awful and it still hurts thinking about it.
He basically told em I was a pest and a bother to him and he only wanted me there when it was convenient for him.
AND that hurts, more than he'll ever know.
The worst part is I can't cry: It hurts so much I can't cry."
Monday, November 10, 1997
College Choices
I can tell you right now that the number one reason I choose the school I did for college was because of it's proximity to my house. The fact that I ended up with a full ride scholarship there was a consolation prize.
I picked the school closest to DH first. But the cost was astronomical. So I picked the closest state school and ran with it. Looking back now I wonder what would have become of my life if I had the courage to venture a little farther. Attend a state school a bit farther away.
As it was, during this time I was looking at colleges but the only thing I was thinking was how do I find something that is the shortest distance away from where he will be.
I picked the school closest to DH first. But the cost was astronomical. So I picked the closest state school and ran with it. Looking back now I wonder what would have become of my life if I had the courage to venture a little farther. Attend a state school a bit farther away.
As it was, during this time I was looking at colleges but the only thing I was thinking was how do I find something that is the shortest distance away from where he will be.
Friday, October 31, 1997
Cuz Breaking Up is Hard to Do....
Another break up is listed here, in ye old journal and I can't help but wonder to myself why did we continue to do it. Did all teenagers break up this much so I just thought it was normal? This one lasted a whopping 6 hours. 3:30 PM - 9:30 PM.
His sister had poked holes in all of our condoms so we were in the throws of a baby scare at the time and he decided he wanted to be "free."
I, of course, was convinced I was pregnant and so I cried my eyes out for the tragedy of being a single mom and then two days later for the fact that I must have killed my baby in the throws of grief when my period came.
Seriously, are all teenagers this dramatic?
His sister had poked holes in all of our condoms so we were in the throws of a baby scare at the time and he decided he wanted to be "free."
I, of course, was convinced I was pregnant and so I cried my eyes out for the tragedy of being a single mom and then two days later for the fact that I must have killed my baby in the throws of grief when my period came.
Seriously, are all teenagers this dramatic?
Sunday, September 7, 1997
Family or Fun
Tonight was the night of his mom's birthday dinner. Tonight was one of the first nights I should have realized that to him, family ranked one notch below having fun with your friends.
11 years later I still remember this night. I called DH to ask him what time to show up, he tells me he's supposed to be there at 3:00 but he wants to do something fun first. 3:00 comes, 4:00 comes, 5:00 comes no one answers.
Finally at 5:00 I just call over to his Grandma's house where his family has gathered for the party. All of his family, except him. They tell me to come on over, he should be there soon. he went dirt bike riding with the neighbors.
It was 45 minutes later, after sitting there with his family wondering what the heck was going on that he finally called to tell them one of the bikes was broken. He should be there soon. More time passes and finally we eat dinner.
Another hour goes by, then two. All the while we heard nothing more from him. At 8:00 the search parties disperse. His dad goes one way, his mom and grandma another, me and his sister yet another. All of us worried something has happened.
It is 8:30 before he calls someone. 8:30 before he lets anyone know he is ok and then he is mad at us because we are all yelling at him. He has no concept, no understanding that someone might possibly be wondering where in the hell he ended up.
11 years later I still remember this night. I called DH to ask him what time to show up, he tells me he's supposed to be there at 3:00 but he wants to do something fun first. 3:00 comes, 4:00 comes, 5:00 comes no one answers.
Finally at 5:00 I just call over to his Grandma's house where his family has gathered for the party. All of his family, except him. They tell me to come on over, he should be there soon. he went dirt bike riding with the neighbors.
It was 45 minutes later, after sitting there with his family wondering what the heck was going on that he finally called to tell them one of the bikes was broken. He should be there soon. More time passes and finally we eat dinner.
Another hour goes by, then two. All the while we heard nothing more from him. At 8:00 the search parties disperse. His dad goes one way, his mom and grandma another, me and his sister yet another. All of us worried something has happened.
It is 8:30 before he calls someone. 8:30 before he lets anyone know he is ok and then he is mad at us because we are all yelling at him. He has no concept, no understanding that someone might possibly be wondering where in the hell he ended up.
Sunday, April 20, 1997
More of the Same
I remember thinking that once I slept with DH things would get better. He would be happier because I had done it. I would be happier because we would not be fighting about it, etc. However that was not the case at all. By the time I slept with him he already knew he didn't really want to be with me but to him, I was just another trophy. Another notch in the belt.
To me, it makes me angry that he would sleep with me, knowing it was my first time, if he didn't want to be with me. To him, I'm guessing the fact that I was a virgin never crossed his mind. Or perhaps it did....
Either way, things continued to go down hill. We went to prom together but ended up separate for 90% of after prom. He was with the girl he was cheating on me with and I was upstairs doing god knows what. Nothing like blatantly having your nose rubbed in it and turning a blind eye just the same.
I even went to his house the day after prom and slept with him again, for God only knows what reason, and this is when we had our first baby scare. I spent the next week completely alone and terrified. I am just weeks away from my 17th birthday and pretty sure that I'm pregnant and my "boyfriend" is treating me like dirt and running around with another girl.
Finally, I take the test and then within the week he breaks up with me...
Again....
At this point it is the 25th of April and I just shut down. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I just cry. I cry at home, I cry at school, I'm pretty much the epitome of pathetic. And ya know what? It works. He comes back to me on the 1st of May.
It is after that "reuniting of the soles" that I find out about the girl. The one he's been seeing on the side. And yet, I stay. I put my faith in him once again, throw myself into my new job, convinced that if I don't "bother" him so much things will be better, and I pretend that none of that ever happened.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
To me, it makes me angry that he would sleep with me, knowing it was my first time, if he didn't want to be with me. To him, I'm guessing the fact that I was a virgin never crossed his mind. Or perhaps it did....
Either way, things continued to go down hill. We went to prom together but ended up separate for 90% of after prom. He was with the girl he was cheating on me with and I was upstairs doing god knows what. Nothing like blatantly having your nose rubbed in it and turning a blind eye just the same.
I even went to his house the day after prom and slept with him again, for God only knows what reason, and this is when we had our first baby scare. I spent the next week completely alone and terrified. I am just weeks away from my 17th birthday and pretty sure that I'm pregnant and my "boyfriend" is treating me like dirt and running around with another girl.
Finally, I take the test and then within the week he breaks up with me...
Again....
At this point it is the 25th of April and I just shut down. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I just cry. I cry at home, I cry at school, I'm pretty much the epitome of pathetic. And ya know what? It works. He comes back to me on the 1st of May.
It is after that "reuniting of the soles" that I find out about the girl. The one he's been seeing on the side. And yet, I stay. I put my faith in him once again, throw myself into my new job, convinced that if I don't "bother" him so much things will be better, and I pretend that none of that ever happened.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
Saturday, April 5, 1997
Giving it Up to Keep Him
After he tried to leave me at the end of March something inside me decided that I had to do whatever it took to get him to stay.
So I gave him my virginity.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? It was only the one thing that I could only give to one person and that I had been holding on to all this time. Why wouldn't I pick this moment, after he had already expressed an interest in breaking up with me to give it to him?
Whatever the reason, it happened. Life happened and sometime in the beginning of April he took something from me I could never get back.
So I gave him my virginity.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? It was only the one thing that I could only give to one person and that I had been holding on to all this time. Why wouldn't I pick this moment, after he had already expressed an interest in breaking up with me to give it to him?
Whatever the reason, it happened. Life happened and sometime in the beginning of April he took something from me I could never get back.
Sunday, March 30, 1997
The First Affair
By March our relationship was on the rocks. I still wouldn't sleep with DH and it was becoming fairly clear that not only would I not sleep with him but I also wouldn't drink or get high with him.
I went on a school trip in the end of March and while I was gone he started seeing a girl who was in the grade above me. He even took her to his parents house. I got back on the 30th of March and on the 31st he broke up with me. Sighting irreconcilable differences. (i.e. I was still annoying him and the break away from me didn't help.) (aka... I'm seeing someone else and think she might sleep with me and party with me so bye... bye... ta... ta... nice knowing you)
Once again, I couldn't take no for an answer. I spent that entire Monday looking as sad and pathetic as I could every time I saw him. I would cry and cry and pout and eventually he called me and asked me to go out with him again.
On April Fool's day. Who was the fool I ask you??
I went on a school trip in the end of March and while I was gone he started seeing a girl who was in the grade above me. He even took her to his parents house. I got back on the 30th of March and on the 31st he broke up with me. Sighting irreconcilable differences. (i.e. I was still annoying him and the break away from me didn't help.) (aka... I'm seeing someone else and think she might sleep with me and party with me so bye... bye... ta... ta... nice knowing you)
Once again, I couldn't take no for an answer. I spent that entire Monday looking as sad and pathetic as I could every time I saw him. I would cry and cry and pout and eventually he called me and asked me to go out with him again.
On April Fool's day. Who was the fool I ask you??
Tuesday, February 25, 1997
02/25/97
"On Saturday DH got arrested for trying to steal liquor. It was an awful day. And the worst part is, I'm still with him.
I couldn't leave. Even after I swore over and over that I'd be gone, I'm still there.
You know I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. He is SO important to me, which is why it just kills me.
Every time I think about it it's like someone taking a knife and carving my heart out.
It's not fair! Life is not fair! God tested him and he lost and it's not fair!
What's also not fair is that he is a good kid. I mean it's not like he doesn't know what he did wrong, or he doesn't regret it. I feel SO bad for him. He's just so depressed about it."
Alcoholism is a disease. A disease that touches every person who knows and/or loves the alcoholic. That's all I can think when I read that. How quickly I got sucked into all of it. How I knew then that there was something bigger going on. Some reason he needed to steal and some reason he felt remorse about it when it was over.
Yet, in the end, what I also see is a mother. Someone taking him under her wing and trying to fix him. How did I go from girlfriend to mother?
I couldn't leave. Even after I swore over and over that I'd be gone, I'm still there.
You know I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. He is SO important to me, which is why it just kills me.
Every time I think about it it's like someone taking a knife and carving my heart out.
It's not fair! Life is not fair! God tested him and he lost and it's not fair!
What's also not fair is that he is a good kid. I mean it's not like he doesn't know what he did wrong, or he doesn't regret it. I feel SO bad for him. He's just so depressed about it."
Alcoholism is a disease. A disease that touches every person who knows and/or loves the alcoholic. That's all I can think when I read that. How quickly I got sucked into all of it. How I knew then that there was something bigger going on. Some reason he needed to steal and some reason he felt remorse about it when it was over.
Yet, in the end, what I also see is a mother. Someone taking him under her wing and trying to fix him. How did I go from girlfriend to mother?
Thursday, February 6, 1997
Parental Defiance?
There is a line from my journal that I just read that stuck out at me:
"DH will have been clean 60 days. The same 60 days that we get to rub in my dad's face."
I don't remember an overwhelming desire to stay with DH because I wanted to prove my parents wrong but I wonder if there was a part of me that did. And if so, that scares me because I want to know how to keep from making the same mistake with my son.
How do I make it so he doesn't want to prove me wrong? So he doesn't stay with someone that makes him miserable just to be the one who is right?
"DH will have been clean 60 days. The same 60 days that we get to rub in my dad's face."
I don't remember an overwhelming desire to stay with DH because I wanted to prove my parents wrong but I wonder if there was a part of me that did. And if so, that scares me because I want to know how to keep from making the same mistake with my son.
How do I make it so he doesn't want to prove me wrong? So he doesn't stay with someone that makes him miserable just to be the one who is right?
Thursday, December 5, 1996
12/05/96
In between every class DH and I meet in the hallway. He walks me to my classroom or I walk him to his. It's one of those things that teenagers do. Something that says I can't live a whole hour without you... here's another kiss to remember me by.
I remember the taste. The smell. Something I'd never smelled before. I asked him what it was. Nothing, nothing at all. I was in shop class, it's exhaust from a car. Somehow I knew that wasn't true. I still remember where we were standing. 2nd floor, top of the stairs, right outside of my Spanish class. 12 1/2 years later and it's still with me.
I don't quite remember who told me he'd been caught. How I got the news that my boyfriend was suspended from school for smoking pot in the shop bathroom. But I know I found out. I know my parents found out. I remember having to sit down with them and DH's parents in his kitchen and have a discussion about it. Explain to them that he was suspended and was spending time in a rehab facility.
I also remember the fear. That they were going to make me break up with him. But they didn't and I couldn't. All I wrote in my journal was "it's a long story and I would rather not discuss it right now." That seemed to be my standard answer. To shut down and keep the status quo.
Even now looking back I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why 2 1/2 months into a relationship I would choose to stay with someone like DH when that was not at all who I was or what I wanted from my life. All I know is I stayed, I always stayed.
Perhaps that's the magic answer. I wanted someone to love me no matter what and I thought in order to get that I had to give that. I just picked the wrong person to give it to.
I remember the taste. The smell. Something I'd never smelled before. I asked him what it was. Nothing, nothing at all. I was in shop class, it's exhaust from a car. Somehow I knew that wasn't true. I still remember where we were standing. 2nd floor, top of the stairs, right outside of my Spanish class. 12 1/2 years later and it's still with me.
I don't quite remember who told me he'd been caught. How I got the news that my boyfriend was suspended from school for smoking pot in the shop bathroom. But I know I found out. I know my parents found out. I remember having to sit down with them and DH's parents in his kitchen and have a discussion about it. Explain to them that he was suspended and was spending time in a rehab facility.
I also remember the fear. That they were going to make me break up with him. But they didn't and I couldn't. All I wrote in my journal was "it's a long story and I would rather not discuss it right now." That seemed to be my standard answer. To shut down and keep the status quo.
Even now looking back I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why 2 1/2 months into a relationship I would choose to stay with someone like DH when that was not at all who I was or what I wanted from my life. All I know is I stayed, I always stayed.
Perhaps that's the magic answer. I wanted someone to love me no matter what and I thought in order to get that I had to give that. I just picked the wrong person to give it to.
Saturday, November 30, 1996
11/30/96
Two and a half months in and we are already discussing breaking up and not being able to live without one another.
I remember this conversation. I remember talking to him about boundaries, the equator line I called it. I remember needing him so much and not being able to process why. Two and a half months in and we couldn't get past the no sex thing.
This is where it really started for us. Him wanting to leave and me wanting him to stay. I wrote in my journal that he thought about leaving me and that I "hyperventilated and banged my head against a wall." I think this is the crutch that it all comes back to.
He wanted to go, I begged him to stay and we were miserable together. For 12 1/2 years it was this way or the reverse, I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay. Twelve and a half years of co-dependency and misery started way back in the end of 1996.
I remember this conversation. I remember talking to him about boundaries, the equator line I called it. I remember needing him so much and not being able to process why. Two and a half months in and we couldn't get past the no sex thing.
This is where it really started for us. Him wanting to leave and me wanting him to stay. I wrote in my journal that he thought about leaving me and that I "hyperventilated and banged my head against a wall." I think this is the crutch that it all comes back to.
He wanted to go, I begged him to stay and we were miserable together. For 12 1/2 years it was this way or the reverse, I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay. Twelve and a half years of co-dependency and misery started way back in the end of 1996.
Thursday, November 28, 1996
11/28/96
Thanksgiving Day. We hang out with my parents in the evening and on my way to take him back home, he still doesn't have a license so I drive him everywhere, he wants me to stop on a gravel road. I refuse and I'm pretty sure there are words.
"He wanted me to stop along a gravel road and I said no. It pissed him off I think. He seems to be getting more anxious and upset every time I am being good. I hate to think he's using me for sex because he knows he won't get anything but he's getting worse and it's hard to deal with. It hurts and it bugs me."
At this point we had been dating just over two months. Looking back at it is hard. Knowing where things went, how things happened. I want to reach back to that scared girl and tell her that if all a man wants you for is sex there are so many better things out there in this world.
"He wanted me to stop along a gravel road and I said no. It pissed him off I think. He seems to be getting more anxious and upset every time I am being good. I hate to think he's using me for sex because he knows he won't get anything but he's getting worse and it's hard to deal with. It hurts and it bugs me."
At this point we had been dating just over two months. Looking back at it is hard. Knowing where things went, how things happened. I want to reach back to that scared girl and tell her that if all a man wants you for is sex there are so many better things out there in this world.
Saturday, November 16, 1996
11/16/96
Pretty pathetic, we've only been going out for two months, exactly yesterday, and I'm already head over heals in love with him. He's just like my best friend/boyfriend all in one. It's pretty cool. I mean when I look at him I just smile because he's just so cool and sucha great person (without the drugs) and I love him SOO much.
I mean this is so different then me and L. We're buds and then more.
All I can do is just stare at that. Two months and I was willing to change my whole life, my whole world for him even AFTER knowing that he did drugs. And all I can do is sit here, my current me, and wonder why. Why didn't I just walk away? What was two months? Why couldn't I just let go?
I mean this is so different then me and L. We're buds and then more.
All I can do is just stare at that. Two months and I was willing to change my whole life, my whole world for him even AFTER knowing that he did drugs. And all I can do is sit here, my current me, and wonder why. Why didn't I just walk away? What was two months? Why couldn't I just let go?
Tuesday, November 12, 1996
11/12/1996
I had no sooner forgiven him than he was back at it again. On this night he went to a friends house and went out into the wood and got stoned on pot. Ok, two thing pop into my mind as I'm reading this.
#1 Where were his parents? If my 15 year old son had just come home drunk two weeks prior you can be damn sure he would probably still be grounded. And if he wasn't I would still be keeping a pretty good eye on him.
#2 Where were my parents? Did I hide this that well? Again, Catholic school is running through my head.
#3 WTF? Two months and all of my morals and ideals had just flown out the window? Really? I had gone from dating the guy who wanted to become a preacher to this? Why after two months did I REALLY love him enough to go through hell with him?
This night was the first night I learned the payoff of hurting myself. Not only to me as a frustration release but also as an attention getter. This was the night that I first cut myself. Not badly, like most cutters, but more of a scratching at my skin as a way to escape what had become my quickly deteriorating reality.
DH found out and we made a pact to both get better together. "Basically I'm not allowed to cut or injure myself anymore and he's not allowed to smoke, drink or chew. If he does any of it again he holds a knife to my wrists and cuts. Basically if he smokes, etc. it's like cutting me because he's giving me open range. I don't know if this will work but I love him so much that, I have to and am willing to, try anything."
This makes my heart heavy just to type it. Some part of me needed him that badly that I was willing to sacrifice myself just to try to help him. Something I would spend the next 10 1/2 years trying to do before I realized once and for all that I could not help him, only he could help himself.
#1 Where were his parents? If my 15 year old son had just come home drunk two weeks prior you can be damn sure he would probably still be grounded. And if he wasn't I would still be keeping a pretty good eye on him.
#2 Where were my parents? Did I hide this that well? Again, Catholic school is running through my head.
#3 WTF? Two months and all of my morals and ideals had just flown out the window? Really? I had gone from dating the guy who wanted to become a preacher to this? Why after two months did I REALLY love him enough to go through hell with him?
This night was the first night I learned the payoff of hurting myself. Not only to me as a frustration release but also as an attention getter. This was the night that I first cut myself. Not badly, like most cutters, but more of a scratching at my skin as a way to escape what had become my quickly deteriorating reality.
DH found out and we made a pact to both get better together. "Basically I'm not allowed to cut or injure myself anymore and he's not allowed to smoke, drink or chew. If he does any of it again he holds a knife to my wrists and cuts. Basically if he smokes, etc. it's like cutting me because he's giving me open range. I don't know if this will work but I love him so much that, I have to and am willing to, try anything."
This makes my heart heavy just to type it. Some part of me needed him that badly that I was willing to sacrifice myself just to try to help him. Something I would spend the next 10 1/2 years trying to do before I realized once and for all that I could not help him, only he could help himself.
Wednesday, October 30, 1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
DH came home drunk tonight. On this night my world fell around my feet. "He never stopped chewing, drinking or smoking pot. He had lied to me about it all plus he had lied to me about some other things. It hurt me SO bad. But I met with his counselor and his family"
Wait… wait… wait…. Stop the train. I did what? I'd been dating the guy a month and a half I was 16 years old, please why didn’t someone stop me? The phrase walk away is just repeating over and over in my head right now. But somewhere, some how I had decided that I didn't want to fail. That I could fix him, and so I stayed. According to my journal because "I loved him so very much."
I swear if my father would have known half of this stuff he would have locked me away in a catholic school. (Or at least that's what I would be thinking if I were the parent.)
Wait… wait… wait…. Stop the train. I did what? I'd been dating the guy a month and a half I was 16 years old, please why didn’t someone stop me? The phrase walk away is just repeating over and over in my head right now. But somewhere, some how I had decided that I didn't want to fail. That I could fix him, and so I stayed. According to my journal because "I loved him so very much."
I swear if my father would have known half of this stuff he would have locked me away in a catholic school. (Or at least that's what I would be thinking if I were the parent.)
Monday, October 7, 1996
10/07/1996
Three weeks, one day and already I'm writing in my journal about how he's my best friend. MW and I had been friends for YEARS, we did everything together and already I was so willing to just shove someone else in her place. Why? What was I needing?
This whole entry in my journal is all about the angst between me and my sister. About how she was telling me that people don't like me and I, of course was letting her get under my skin. So I called DH and he made me feel so much better.
Is that what I was needing? Acceptance? I was sort of an outcast. Refused to do what it took to be part of the popular group but was just a little to popular to totally fit in with the nerds. Did I just need to fit somewhere and once I found it with him I didn't want to let it go?
This whole entry in my journal is all about the angst between me and my sister. About how she was telling me that people don't like me and I, of course was letting her get under my skin. So I called DH and he made me feel so much better.
Is that what I was needing? Acceptance? I was sort of an outcast. Refused to do what it took to be part of the popular group but was just a little to popular to totally fit in with the nerds. Did I just need to fit somewhere and once I found it with him I didn't want to let it go?
Sunday, October 6, 1996
10/06/1996
Today was our three week "anniversary" and it was all about the sweet talk. I wrote in my journal that "we had a rough night last night but tonight we talked and worked everything out. He understands that I don't want too much to happen and he's O.K. with that.
He said he loves me for me and that's not what he wants. I mean I know he wants it but not if I don't. He's being so sweet. I just talked to him on the phone and he said he almost cried when I left tonight because he misses his baby. He's hooked, bad.
And, he quit chewing for me which is like so great. He knew I didn't like it but I told him I was O.K. with it & he quit anyway. That makes me SO happy."
Reading this just makes me cringe. DH ALWAYS knew just what to say to me to keep me hooked. I can't believe that I was that naive. He told me he was quiting and I believed him, just like that. I guess I had no reason not to. I didn't know at the time how good he was a lying about things. He always knew just what would make me feel better and be ok with how things were.
The other thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the fact that I ever told him it was ok in the first place. Three weeks into our relationship and I was already so determined to "make it work" that I was compromising my values. Why not just say I don't approve of that and walk away? It was only three weeks.
He said he loves me for me and that's not what he wants. I mean I know he wants it but not if I don't. He's being so sweet. I just talked to him on the phone and he said he almost cried when I left tonight because he misses his baby. He's hooked, bad.
And, he quit chewing for me which is like so great. He knew I didn't like it but I told him I was O.K. with it & he quit anyway. That makes me SO happy."
Reading this just makes me cringe. DH ALWAYS knew just what to say to me to keep me hooked. I can't believe that I was that naive. He told me he was quiting and I believed him, just like that. I guess I had no reason not to. I didn't know at the time how good he was a lying about things. He always knew just what would make me feel better and be ok with how things were.
The other thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the fact that I ever told him it was ok in the first place. Three weeks into our relationship and I was already so determined to "make it work" that I was compromising my values. Why not just say I don't approve of that and walk away? It was only three weeks.
Saturday, October 5, 1996
10/05/1996
Merely three weeks into our relationship and DH had already begun with the sweet talk. By this point he had told me he loved me, probably mostly in an effort to get into my pants, and it wasn't working and he was frustrated.
I wrote in my journal about having a long talk with him about waiting until marriage and trying to enforce boundaries with him. This would become the topic of many more arguments in the future. I dated L for 9 months and spent the entire last two months TRYING to get him to have sex with me and now suddenly I was with DH and I was totally flipping my position.
I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I had sex with him our relationship would probably be over and I was not willing to let that happen. I wasn't willing to open up my eyes wide enough to see what he really wanted, which wasn't a long term plan with me.
I wrote in my journal about having a long talk with him about waiting until marriage and trying to enforce boundaries with him. This would become the topic of many more arguments in the future. I dated L for 9 months and spent the entire last two months TRYING to get him to have sex with me and now suddenly I was with DH and I was totally flipping my position.
I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I had sex with him our relationship would probably be over and I was not willing to let that happen. I wasn't willing to open up my eyes wide enough to see what he really wanted, which wasn't a long term plan with me.
Thursday, September 19, 1996
Loss of a Pet
Four days after we officially became an item my dog died. It was a tragic day that I will never forget. I got a call from the office that I needed to meet my mom outside right away but no one would tell me why. So I went outside and stood on the corner waiting for her.
She pulled up in her old beat up car and as soon as I looked in the window I knew something was terribly wrong. There on the front seat sat my beloved dog. My puppy whom I got as a present for my 16th birthday was there but something was not right.
When I looked closer I noticed the blood and then the bone. His hip bone was sticking through the skin and out of his body. For such a serious injury I remember thinking that there should be more blood.
When I got into the car he tried to get closer to me and he wimpered in pain. By this point I was crying. What was going on? As we headed to the vet's office my mom explained to me that he had been following a trailer out back to the dump pile and he had tried to "heal" the tire. He got a little too close and had been rolled under the trailer.
The whole way there I kept thinking that he wasn't bleeding too badly, the doctor would just fix his hip and we would go on our way. However, when we got there the vet informed us that my puppy was parilized from the waist down. That even if he fixed the injury he would never walk again and that for this breed of dog with such high energy it would be devistating.
Then I had to choose. Let him live with no quality of life, or watch him go. This wonderful dog that I hadn't had nearly enough time with. The one that I got happy meals for and who slept with me and went every where with me.
As I sat there crying holding his head the vet gave him the shot. Then we wrapped him in a towel and took him home to be burried. I remember as soon as we got home Impossible Dream Man (IDM) was waiting for me. He was crying and I hugged him as he told me how sorry he was.
I should have stayed. Taken the rest of the day off, mourned my loss, but instead all I could think of was getting back to school. Back to DH. I was back by lunch time but the reaction I got was not one of sympathy or compassion. It was simply, wow, that sucks. Ok, I'm going to sit with my friends now.
As soon as he said it, as soon as I knew that was all I was getting I wanted to run back home and crawl into bed. But, I had comitted to being there that afternoon so I stayed and pretended nothing was wrong even though inside I was dying. I stuffed it down and decided to be strong instead.
She pulled up in her old beat up car and as soon as I looked in the window I knew something was terribly wrong. There on the front seat sat my beloved dog. My puppy whom I got as a present for my 16th birthday was there but something was not right.
When I looked closer I noticed the blood and then the bone. His hip bone was sticking through the skin and out of his body. For such a serious injury I remember thinking that there should be more blood.
When I got into the car he tried to get closer to me and he wimpered in pain. By this point I was crying. What was going on? As we headed to the vet's office my mom explained to me that he had been following a trailer out back to the dump pile and he had tried to "heal" the tire. He got a little too close and had been rolled under the trailer.
The whole way there I kept thinking that he wasn't bleeding too badly, the doctor would just fix his hip and we would go on our way. However, when we got there the vet informed us that my puppy was parilized from the waist down. That even if he fixed the injury he would never walk again and that for this breed of dog with such high energy it would be devistating.
Then I had to choose. Let him live with no quality of life, or watch him go. This wonderful dog that I hadn't had nearly enough time with. The one that I got happy meals for and who slept with me and went every where with me.
As I sat there crying holding his head the vet gave him the shot. Then we wrapped him in a towel and took him home to be burried. I remember as soon as we got home Impossible Dream Man (IDM) was waiting for me. He was crying and I hugged him as he told me how sorry he was.
I should have stayed. Taken the rest of the day off, mourned my loss, but instead all I could think of was getting back to school. Back to DH. I was back by lunch time but the reaction I got was not one of sympathy or compassion. It was simply, wow, that sucks. Ok, I'm going to sit with my friends now.
As soon as he said it, as soon as I knew that was all I was getting I wanted to run back home and crawl into bed. But, I had comitted to being there that afternoon so I stayed and pretended nothing was wrong even though inside I was dying. I stuffed it down and decided to be strong instead.
Tuesday, September 17, 1996
09/17/1996
After two days of being in school and being a couple I was convinced that we were meant to be together. I wrote in my journal that "it is unlike any other relationship I've had. Which could be a good thing, I suppose, because none of the other relationships lasted very long. This one's like me and R's which lasted 7 years so I guess this is a very good thing. […] Although both sets of our friends know about us we don't hang on each other or anything."
We don’t hang on each other, looking back I find this funny. We met in between every class to see each other for just that brief 5 seconds and any other times I was too busy to notice that he was too busy with his friends to notice me.
We don’t hang on each other, looking back I find this funny. We met in between every class to see each other for just that brief 5 seconds and any other times I was too busy to notice that he was too busy with his friends to notice me.
Sunday, September 15, 1996
Going Out
After the exciting homecoming dance it was up bright and early to go horseback riding with DH's family. I had been horseback riding since I was younger and even after my accident had never given it up. However, this would only be the second time that I had actually been on horseback riding trails, etc. Most of my riding was confined to fields and roadsides.
We loaded up my horse in the trailer and were off for the "park." DH and I rode in the morning and then in the afternoon we told his parents we were going to skip the afternoon ride and just hang out in "camp."
His dad had a large work van that we had used to pull the horse trailer and I remember that we were sitting on the bumper of the van with the back doors open. DH turned to me and said, so do you want to go out? It was as simple as that. I said yes and the deed was done.
Until we got married, this was always the day that we celebrated as our anniversary. We picked our wedding day as close to this day as we could. When we were married we had officially been "going out" for 7 years and 5 days. (With a few breakups along the way.)
We loaded up my horse in the trailer and were off for the "park." DH and I rode in the morning and then in the afternoon we told his parents we were going to skip the afternoon ride and just hang out in "camp."
His dad had a large work van that we had used to pull the horse trailer and I remember that we were sitting on the bumper of the van with the back doors open. DH turned to me and said, so do you want to go out? It was as simple as that. I said yes and the deed was done.
Until we got married, this was always the day that we celebrated as our anniversary. We picked our wedding day as close to this day as we could. When we were married we had officially been "going out" for 7 years and 5 days. (With a few breakups along the way.)
Saturday, September 14, 1996
Homecoming
So I went to the homecoming dance with some friends and DH went with my sister's friend. As most things were when I was in high school it was a night of drama. Two of my best friends were crying through most of the dance and I only got one dance with DH.
After the dance my sister's friend was spending the night with her so DH didn't have to take her home, or rather his mom didn't have to come pick them up since he didn't have a license. So DH decided to come home with me. Ooops. Talk about awkward.
We got home first and were sitting there on the couch talking with my parents when my sister and her friend walked in. So there I was with her date. Luckily it was late and DH left shortly there after and I went to bed.
After the dance my sister's friend was spending the night with her so DH didn't have to take her home, or rather his mom didn't have to come pick them up since he didn't have a license. So DH decided to come home with me. Ooops. Talk about awkward.
We got home first and were sitting there on the couch talking with my parents when my sister and her friend walked in. So there I was with her date. Luckily it was late and DH left shortly there after and I went to bed.
Tuesday, September 10, 1996
Bonfire
As was the tradition at our school during homecoming week there was one night where there was a big bonfire. It was sort of a pep rally type of a thing. This was the night that my sister's friend found out about DH and I. I think up until this point she had thought that he was really taking her because he wanted to go with her, not because he just didn't have a date.
While I really wanted to be with DH I remember feeling kind of bad that night as I pulled out of the parking lot and saw her talking to my sister, all upset. When my sister got in the car she told me the story.
I'm pretty sure the words she used were not nice, as this was her friend and when we were in high school, I was not.
While I really wanted to be with DH I remember feeling kind of bad that night as I pulled out of the parking lot and saw her talking to my sister, all upset. When my sister got in the car she told me the story.
I'm pretty sure the words she used were not nice, as this was her friend and when we were in high school, I was not.
Sunday, September 8, 1996
09/08/1996
Today was the day of mass confusion. I was still high on life from my first "date" with DH but really bummed that I would not be able to go to the homecoming dance with him. He had already agreed to go with my sister's friend and my mom told me that if he didn't go with her he wasn't going with me.
My mom didn't think that it was polite or appropriate for him to dump her a week before the dance simply because we had decided we wanted to "date." At the time I thought that was extremely unfair. Why should he have to go with her when we were going to be together. Now, I look back and fully understand the wisdom of my mother's choice.
I just wish that at that time I had thought about what kind of man he would be. If he was willing to leave his date hanging a week before the dance how reliable would he be for me? But I was 16, I was young and "falling in love" and that was the furthest thing from my mind.
I wrote in my journal that I was "so confused I just wanted to scream. Nothing was working out and DH ad I and whatever we have are stuck in the middle." What did we have? I had been to his house once? Why was I so "stuck??"
My mom didn't think that it was polite or appropriate for him to dump her a week before the dance simply because we had decided we wanted to "date." At the time I thought that was extremely unfair. Why should he have to go with her when we were going to be together. Now, I look back and fully understand the wisdom of my mother's choice.
I just wish that at that time I had thought about what kind of man he would be. If he was willing to leave his date hanging a week before the dance how reliable would he be for me? But I was 16, I was young and "falling in love" and that was the furthest thing from my mind.
I wrote in my journal that I was "so confused I just wanted to scream. Nothing was working out and DH ad I and whatever we have are stuck in the middle." What did we have? I had been to his house once? Why was I so "stuck??"
Saturday, September 7, 1996
First "Date"
I ended up going to DH's mom's party. Of course I did. I remember when I arrived that there was no one there I knew. The party was a surprise so DH, his mom, dad and sister were out horseback riding.
Everyone else had gathered for the surprise for when they got home. So I just wandered around out back telling anyone that asked me that I was DH's friend and he had invited me and all the while trying to just blend in to the scenery.
FINALLY, DH and his family arrived. We yelled surprise and then it was time for the party to start. DH found me right away and we started to talk and of course flirt with each other. The party was out behind their house and so we headed up to the house and sat on the front porch swing.
Before long we were holding hands and then we started talking about the homecoming situation. We both liked each other but my sister's friend was in the picture. DH was, at that time, a smooth talker. He was much more experienced than me in the "sexual" arena having lost his virginity at 13 so he seemed to know all the "right" things to say to turn a girls head, so to speak.
He told me I was beautiful and gorgeous and then, by this point we had moved into the basement and were sitting on the couch, he ASKED if he could kiss me. For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. Him leaning in and asking if he could kiss me, me saying yes and us sharing that first tentative kiss.
I wrote in my journal that "his kisses were tender and with feeling." They reminded me of my impossible dream man (IDM). A man I had only kissed once but continue to dream about to this day. Perhaps that's why once I latched on to DH it was so hard to let go.
Everyone else had gathered for the surprise for when they got home. So I just wandered around out back telling anyone that asked me that I was DH's friend and he had invited me and all the while trying to just blend in to the scenery.
FINALLY, DH and his family arrived. We yelled surprise and then it was time for the party to start. DH found me right away and we started to talk and of course flirt with each other. The party was out behind their house and so we headed up to the house and sat on the front porch swing.
Before long we were holding hands and then we started talking about the homecoming situation. We both liked each other but my sister's friend was in the picture. DH was, at that time, a smooth talker. He was much more experienced than me in the "sexual" arena having lost his virginity at 13 so he seemed to know all the "right" things to say to turn a girls head, so to speak.
He told me I was beautiful and gorgeous and then, by this point we had moved into the basement and were sitting on the couch, he ASKED if he could kiss me. For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. Him leaning in and asking if he could kiss me, me saying yes and us sharing that first tentative kiss.
I wrote in my journal that "his kisses were tender and with feeling." They reminded me of my impossible dream man (IDM). A man I had only kissed once but continue to dream about to this day. Perhaps that's why once I latched on to DH it was so hard to let go.
Friday, September 6, 1996
First Impression
It was this night, so many years ago that started everything. This night, this choice that changed the entire direction of my life.
I was a football manager for several weeks before DH approached me. We had a game on this night and he asked if I could give him a ride home. I knew he was a year younger than me and so I figured that he just didn't have his license yet.
Knowing that he lived only a few miles from me I agreed to take him home. We started talking on the way home and somehow, being the blunt person that I am, I directed the conversation to the phone call a few weeks prior.
I don't remember the exact words but somehow the conversation became about how he wanted to ask me but didn't know if I would say yes and me saying that I would have said yes if he would have just asked me.
And then we were stuck. The dance was in a week and he had already asked MB. It was like that torn teenage angst where we felt this pull to each other for some unknown reason but couldn't be together. You always want what you can't have right?
Either way, sitting in his driveway, he asked me to come to his mom's birthday party the next day. I remember seeing the invitation come in the mail but my parents were not close with his parents and we figured that the invitation was just a formality.
So, I told him I would talk to my mom and dad about it and let him know the next day. That choice, that decision to go, or not go, was my fork in the road. My journey down a totally different path in life.
I was a football manager for several weeks before DH approached me. We had a game on this night and he asked if I could give him a ride home. I knew he was a year younger than me and so I figured that he just didn't have his license yet.
Knowing that he lived only a few miles from me I agreed to take him home. We started talking on the way home and somehow, being the blunt person that I am, I directed the conversation to the phone call a few weeks prior.
I don't remember the exact words but somehow the conversation became about how he wanted to ask me but didn't know if I would say yes and me saying that I would have said yes if he would have just asked me.
And then we were stuck. The dance was in a week and he had already asked MB. It was like that torn teenage angst where we felt this pull to each other for some unknown reason but couldn't be together. You always want what you can't have right?
Either way, sitting in his driveway, he asked me to come to his mom's birthday party the next day. I remember seeing the invitation come in the mail but my parents were not close with his parents and we figured that the invitation was just a formality.
So, I told him I would talk to my mom and dad about it and let him know the next day. That choice, that decision to go, or not go, was my fork in the road. My journey down a totally different path in life.
Friday, August 30, 1996
Could it be?
We were in the hospital, visiting someone. I can't remember now who it was, possibly my grandma. I remember the phone ringing and my mom saying that it was DH asking to talk to my sister.
DH was a neighbor of ours. He lived about 5 miles away. We had ridden the bus with him for a few years and just recently I had spoken with him a few times during football practice. See this year, I had decided to be a football manager, a girl I knew in band was one and said they needed another one and asked if I would be willing to do it.
I had always liked football on some level and a guy that I dated in 1995 was in football so I remember watching him play, so I said yes.
I remember when my mom said that it was DH on the phone there was a part of me that was really hoping he was calling to ask ME to the homecoming dance. I had thought about asking him but I was too chicken to ask a boy to the dance. However, at that moment I realized that I really wanted him to ask me.
But it was not to be. Apparently, my sister had asked him to go with a friend of hers but he had told her no, said that he was asking a girl from another school. But apparently that had not worked out so he had called to get my sister's friend's number from my sister. This girl had liked him for a long time and since he didn't have a date he had decided to ask her. Why not me I kept thinking. But what could I do about it?
It's not like I had ever really talked to him much beyond saying hi. Let alone flirted with him or given him any reason to think I was interested. Oh well, I figured. I would just go with my friends as planned.
DH was a neighbor of ours. He lived about 5 miles away. We had ridden the bus with him for a few years and just recently I had spoken with him a few times during football practice. See this year, I had decided to be a football manager, a girl I knew in band was one and said they needed another one and asked if I would be willing to do it.
I had always liked football on some level and a guy that I dated in 1995 was in football so I remember watching him play, so I said yes.
I remember when my mom said that it was DH on the phone there was a part of me that was really hoping he was calling to ask ME to the homecoming dance. I had thought about asking him but I was too chicken to ask a boy to the dance. However, at that moment I realized that I really wanted him to ask me.
But it was not to be. Apparently, my sister had asked him to go with a friend of hers but he had told her no, said that he was asking a girl from another school. But apparently that had not worked out so he had called to get my sister's friend's number from my sister. This girl had liked him for a long time and since he didn't have a date he had decided to ask her. Why not me I kept thinking. But what could I do about it?
It's not like I had ever really talked to him much beyond saying hi. Let alone flirted with him or given him any reason to think I was interested. Oh well, I figured. I would just go with my friends as planned.
Saturday, June 1, 1996
Pinky Swear
The summer after L and I broke up I started falling for the IDM (Impossible Dream Man) or otherwise known as the pinky swear man. To this day, if that man were to walk into my house and tell me he wanted to sleep with me I can't tell you that I wouldn't shuffle him straight up to my bedroom.
I don't know what it is about him, he's not particularly drop dead gorgeous and I know very little about him in the sense that you know someone you date but I would leave my whole life behind in a heartbeat for him.
That summer we were working together. I was 16 and he was 24 and I had decided that I needed to have him for my very own. Now once I make up my mind to something, I'm pretty hard to deter so I dropped hints MERCILESSLY for the entire month of June. Daring him to kiss me. Calling him a chicken because he wouldn't. Dressing as provocatively as I could given that we were doing manual labor.
Finally one day we were in a tack room and he closed the door. I thought for SURE that would be the day but at the last minute he said, I can't... your parents would kill me. So I razzed him. For the next 30 minutes or so until we got to another barn that we were loading at.
For the rest of my life that will stay with me. He kissed me and I felt like I was floating on air. He stopped, started to walk away, turned around and kissed me again. The ONLY physical contact we have had was on that one day and yet it is forever burned into my memory. I didn't write one single thing about it in my diary. Only that I pinky swore about something and just that phrase brings the whole day back.
I don't know what it is about him, he's not particularly drop dead gorgeous and I know very little about him in the sense that you know someone you date but I would leave my whole life behind in a heartbeat for him.
That summer we were working together. I was 16 and he was 24 and I had decided that I needed to have him for my very own. Now once I make up my mind to something, I'm pretty hard to deter so I dropped hints MERCILESSLY for the entire month of June. Daring him to kiss me. Calling him a chicken because he wouldn't. Dressing as provocatively as I could given that we were doing manual labor.
Finally one day we were in a tack room and he closed the door. I thought for SURE that would be the day but at the last minute he said, I can't... your parents would kill me. So I razzed him. For the next 30 minutes or so until we got to another barn that we were loading at.
For the rest of my life that will stay with me. He kissed me and I felt like I was floating on air. He stopped, started to walk away, turned around and kissed me again. The ONLY physical contact we have had was on that one day and yet it is forever burned into my memory. I didn't write one single thing about it in my diary. Only that I pinky swore about something and just that phrase brings the whole day back.
Thursday, January 4, 1996
Diary of a Sad Scared Teenager
01-04-96
"For the last day all me and L have done is fight."
01-08-96
"Today was our three month anniversary, we still spent most of the day fighting. It has been awful!!"
01-09-96
"We didn't fight today which is like a first in I don't know how long."
01-11-96
"I think I have just been stood up. L was supposed to be here to work on his research paper but hasn't shown up yet. We got in a fight after school today."
"He finally did come and we talked and made up AGAIN!! He didn't want to loose me and I don't want to lose him but I don't know what hurts worse, staying with all the fighting, or leaving and having a hole in my heart."
01-12-96
"Well M is here and I think we're in the process of fighting or something. It seems like that's all we do when she's here is fight. But when other people are here I fight with them so it must be me in which case I'm in trouble because I can never seem to say the right thing. I out to stop talking to people so I won't make them mad at me."
01-13-96
"L and I gto in another fight today over me insulting him which I really don't mean to do but do anyway. So I have to try hard not to do it so I won't make him mad cuz he says he's trying to change for me so I should at least be willing to try for the good of our relationship."
01-18-96
"I have to take some food to school because I have a feeling we'll do swing chior 5th hour and I need to have a little food in my stomach... BUT not too much cuz I need to loose back what I've gained."
01-26-96
"L and I had a major fight on Tuesday. We made up on Wednesday night so we're better now."
01-28-96
"The good news is I lost 2 inches off my waist. The bad news is I probably just gained it all back eating cinimon rolls. I feel awful about it. I mean I was already 1/2 a pound over to begin with."
02-01-96
"Depressed. What else can I write? I stepped on the scale yesterday night and I weighed 107. I about died."
02-06-96
"I'm so depressed I can't eat. I just kinda mope around and I thought about driving off the road on the way home tonight. It's gotten that bad. And the worst part is my parents think it's a big joke that they can laugh about. I don't think they can even comprehend depression"
02-18-96
"I've just majorly gone down hill. When I weighed myself this morning I weighed 103 1/2 which is good for me in my mind but all my bones stick out. M is in the hospital and I wish I was with her."
03-09-96
"I went to see Dr. E and he diagnozed me as anorexic and told me if I didn't get better he'd put me in Big City treatment center for a year. So I've been eating now but I'm going on a water diet tomorrow because I've eaten SOO much this weekend."
"On Tuesday the 5th we had History Fiar and I won!! But the bad news was that me and L fought all through it. It upset him so much that he didnt' come to school on Wednesday because he didn't want to face me. So that upset me and and so I got really pissed and upset and scratched at my wrists with a needle and fingernail clippers. But the 7th was our 5 month anniversary so we made up and everything which was really cool."
03-26-96
"Me and L have worked out almost all of our problems. It's been a very long time since we've had a fight. We've learned to talk things out. I guess maybe it's because he finally got strong and I got weak and it just works this way."
"I went to a meeting for people with eating disorders and I'm gonna go back next week. It was pretty cool and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one in the world with this problem."
04-09-96
"Well no more C the phychiotrist. My mom told me I'm making it all up and so I figure I don't need to go back if I'm find."
"Well the only bad part about being better is it means no more group. I love group and I hope I can go without it."
05-21-96
"Prom was kinda a drag cuz L had a fit but that's ok. I had a great time at after prom."
"For the last day all me and L have done is fight."
01-08-96
"Today was our three month anniversary, we still spent most of the day fighting. It has been awful!!"
01-09-96
"We didn't fight today which is like a first in I don't know how long."
01-11-96
"I think I have just been stood up. L was supposed to be here to work on his research paper but hasn't shown up yet. We got in a fight after school today."
"He finally did come and we talked and made up AGAIN!! He didn't want to loose me and I don't want to lose him but I don't know what hurts worse, staying with all the fighting, or leaving and having a hole in my heart."
01-12-96
"Well M is here and I think we're in the process of fighting or something. It seems like that's all we do when she's here is fight. But when other people are here I fight with them so it must be me in which case I'm in trouble because I can never seem to say the right thing. I out to stop talking to people so I won't make them mad at me."
01-13-96
"L and I gto in another fight today over me insulting him which I really don't mean to do but do anyway. So I have to try hard not to do it so I won't make him mad cuz he says he's trying to change for me so I should at least be willing to try for the good of our relationship."
01-18-96
"I have to take some food to school because I have a feeling we'll do swing chior 5th hour and I need to have a little food in my stomach... BUT not too much cuz I need to loose back what I've gained."
01-26-96
"L and I had a major fight on Tuesday. We made up on Wednesday night so we're better now."
01-28-96
"The good news is I lost 2 inches off my waist. The bad news is I probably just gained it all back eating cinimon rolls. I feel awful about it. I mean I was already 1/2 a pound over to begin with."
02-01-96
"Depressed. What else can I write? I stepped on the scale yesterday night and I weighed 107. I about died."
02-06-96
"I'm so depressed I can't eat. I just kinda mope around and I thought about driving off the road on the way home tonight. It's gotten that bad. And the worst part is my parents think it's a big joke that they can laugh about. I don't think they can even comprehend depression"
02-18-96
"I've just majorly gone down hill. When I weighed myself this morning I weighed 103 1/2 which is good for me in my mind but all my bones stick out. M is in the hospital and I wish I was with her."
03-09-96
"I went to see Dr. E and he diagnozed me as anorexic and told me if I didn't get better he'd put me in Big City treatment center for a year. So I've been eating now but I'm going on a water diet tomorrow because I've eaten SOO much this weekend."
"On Tuesday the 5th we had History Fiar and I won!! But the bad news was that me and L fought all through it. It upset him so much that he didnt' come to school on Wednesday because he didn't want to face me. So that upset me and and so I got really pissed and upset and scratched at my wrists with a needle and fingernail clippers. But the 7th was our 5 month anniversary so we made up and everything which was really cool."
03-26-96
"Me and L have worked out almost all of our problems. It's been a very long time since we've had a fight. We've learned to talk things out. I guess maybe it's because he finally got strong and I got weak and it just works this way."
"I went to a meeting for people with eating disorders and I'm gonna go back next week. It was pretty cool and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one in the world with this problem."
04-09-96
"Well no more C the phychiotrist. My mom told me I'm making it all up and so I figure I don't need to go back if I'm find."
"Well the only bad part about being better is it means no more group. I love group and I hope I can go without it."
05-21-96
"Prom was kinda a drag cuz L had a fit but that's ok. I had a great time at after prom."
Wednesday, November 1, 1995
Do As I Say....
Sometime in my early teenage years I discovered the joy of my shower head. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about because you SOO do and I am totally not going to say any more than that....
N-E-Way.... in 1995 & 1996 I was dating L. L wanted to be a minister and he somehow convinced me that I wanted to be with him forever. We were talking about marriage before we had even been dating a year. So to be married to a minister I had to be a good ministers wife. No thinking dirty thoughts, no pre-marital sex, and no joy in the shower. (As a quick aside I did not KNOW that this was actually ma$terbati0n until almost a year later... I just thought it was something bad that I was not to do because God would look badly at me)
So, on January 1st of 1996 I put my New Year's Resolutions down on paper. Be closer to God, Closer to L, Closer to loved ones and never do what is it that I never want to do again. See, I couldn't even name it... I just knew it was bad.
As I look back on this, I see my self hatred and lothing starting even then. He could tell dirty jokes but then make me promise not to tell anyone and that was ok. I could not or I was sinning. I could not get any "pleasure" from our interactions but he had to excuse himself almost every time we were together because me sitting in his lap had given him a bit more than he could handle and he had to clean himself up.
Looking back, we fought all the time and three months into our relationship he broke down and said he couldn't handle his life. His parents marriage was falling apart, the relationship that made him believe in marriage and love and Christian life, and he couldn't handle anything. He cried a lot and we fought a lot and somehow anything that I felt got lost in the noise. His problems became center and front in my life. His and my friend M's. Mine were put to the back of my mind.
The relationship was very one sided in that respect and even now I wonder if a lot of my self talk and my you are not doing it right comes from those very basic interactions. Always giving someone else what they want but never getting anything I wanted in return. Sometimes the very things we think are insignificant at the time can have the greatest impact on the person we grow up to be.
N-E-Way.... in 1995 & 1996 I was dating L. L wanted to be a minister and he somehow convinced me that I wanted to be with him forever. We were talking about marriage before we had even been dating a year. So to be married to a minister I had to be a good ministers wife. No thinking dirty thoughts, no pre-marital sex, and no joy in the shower. (As a quick aside I did not KNOW that this was actually ma$terbati0n until almost a year later... I just thought it was something bad that I was not to do because God would look badly at me)
So, on January 1st of 1996 I put my New Year's Resolutions down on paper. Be closer to God, Closer to L, Closer to loved ones and never do what is it that I never want to do again. See, I couldn't even name it... I just knew it was bad.
As I look back on this, I see my self hatred and lothing starting even then. He could tell dirty jokes but then make me promise not to tell anyone and that was ok. I could not or I was sinning. I could not get any "pleasure" from our interactions but he had to excuse himself almost every time we were together because me sitting in his lap had given him a bit more than he could handle and he had to clean himself up.
Looking back, we fought all the time and three months into our relationship he broke down and said he couldn't handle his life. His parents marriage was falling apart, the relationship that made him believe in marriage and love and Christian life, and he couldn't handle anything. He cried a lot and we fought a lot and somehow anything that I felt got lost in the noise. His problems became center and front in my life. His and my friend M's. Mine were put to the back of my mind.
The relationship was very one sided in that respect and even now I wonder if a lot of my self talk and my you are not doing it right comes from those very basic interactions. Always giving someone else what they want but never getting anything I wanted in return. Sometimes the very things we think are insignificant at the time can have the greatest impact on the person we grow up to be.
Tuesday, October 25, 1994
The Beginning of the Disease...
October 25, 1994
"I have to loose weight before the musical though because the four guys who are supposed to lift me up don't think they can because I weigh so much. When they told me that I about started bawling and I knew I needed to loose weight no matter what anyone told me."
I was 14 and probably all of about 115 lbs soaking wet. I look back now and I'm sure that these four burly guys were just joking with me, yet somehow I internalized it and took it to heart. The beginning of the spiral started right here with those few words.
"I have to loose weight before the musical though because the four guys who are supposed to lift me up don't think they can because I weigh so much. When they told me that I about started bawling and I knew I needed to loose weight no matter what anyone told me."
I was 14 and probably all of about 115 lbs soaking wet. I look back now and I'm sure that these four burly guys were just joking with me, yet somehow I internalized it and took it to heart. The beginning of the spiral started right here with those few words.
Sunday, October 23, 1994
Taking on the Problems of the World
October 23, 1994
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
Wednesday, June 1, 1994
A in the Summer Time
As I sit here writing this I can hear the sounds of the summer night out my window. Summer nights make me think of A. A lives in Spain. He is one of my facebook friends but also a boy I "dated" for two or three summers when he was back visiting his aunt & uncle.
Summer time makes me think of him because I was always so excited when he would get back in town for a month. I waited a whole year just to hang out with him and his two sisters. Swimming in the pond, playing spin the bottle where they always rigged the game so him and I would end up kissing.
A carved his and my initials into a tree the first summer we met. That carving was there for several years although while he was gone there were other boys. Other "loves" of my life, he was the summer one. I would have boyfriends from September - May and then A in the summer.
Never alone, always on to the next one. Yet there was something magical about a boy from another country coming to see me, so excited to be back with me. Even if all we ever did was kiss over a game of spin the bottle.
Summer time makes me think of him because I was always so excited when he would get back in town for a month. I waited a whole year just to hang out with him and his two sisters. Swimming in the pond, playing spin the bottle where they always rigged the game so him and I would end up kissing.
A carved his and my initials into a tree the first summer we met. That carving was there for several years although while he was gone there were other boys. Other "loves" of my life, he was the summer one. I would have boyfriends from September - May and then A in the summer.
Never alone, always on to the next one. Yet there was something magical about a boy from another country coming to see me, so excited to be back with me. Even if all we ever did was kiss over a game of spin the bottle.
Monday, May 9, 1994
Hurting...
Monday, May 9, 1994
"Actually the thought of having a big illness sounds kind of fun. Then I'd actually get attention for once.
Basically that's the only reason I do most of the stuff I do. I'm insecure and so when i do stupid things people get worried and then I know they care. Kinda stupid, huh?"
"Everything (everyone else's lives) sounds so wonderful. To not have to live up to so many expectations and not be so isolated from the world!"
"Actually the thought of having a big illness sounds kind of fun. Then I'd actually get attention for once.
Basically that's the only reason I do most of the stuff I do. I'm insecure and so when i do stupid things people get worried and then I know they care. Kinda stupid, huh?"
"Everything (everyone else's lives) sounds so wonderful. To not have to live up to so many expectations and not be so isolated from the world!"
Monday, November 15, 1993
My Mommy
Looking back, well before I met my alcoholic, I had just as many dysfunctional relationships with women as I did with men. None of them were ever really sexual but looking back on them, I don't understand them, even to this day.
When I was 13 there was a girl that was either a junior or a senior. I think a senior and I would call her and talk with her and hang out with her. What 17 year old girl hangs out with a 13 year old? But she did. Now she is one of my facebook friends. I looked up to her and sort of acted like she was an older sister.
Then there was a "best friend" of mine, also at the age of 13. Her and I had only one thing in common, horseback riding. She, once again, had a troubled home life and her and I spent A LOT of time together. Then, just as quickly as we became friends, suddenly we weren't any more.
Finally there was a girl who was a year ahead of me in school. This relationship, still to this day, baffles me. I called this girl my mommy. As I look back through my diary entries all I see is a scared, depressed 12, almost 13 year old girl.
"Well, got to go where the people who have no life or best friends go. The only comforting place, asleep!"
I was grounded once for being in a bad mood and I wrote frequently of being depressed. Right now, as I'm writing this, it depresses me. At 12 or 13 little kids should not be depressed. They should not be hurting like I was and what really gets me is I still don't know why. So, through all of this, I reached out to this girl, I think for nurturing or kindness. She, as is the story of my life, didn't have the greatest home life.
I'm not sure what my parents thought of this relationship, as reading about it today creeps me out a bit. I know that I had a horseback riding accident and my whole world kind of changed. I looked scary for awhile and my best friend sort of ditched me and so I just attached myself to that girl during the fall.
My diary is filled with I miss my Mommy, etc and the only thing I can guess is I was looking for acceptance and I was trying to get it from her. My mother was not very "loving" at the time. I'm not sure if I remember hearing her say I love you much throughout my childhood. That has changed a great deal since the Munchkin has been born and DH and I started having problems.
"Christmas is almost here! All I want for Christmas is a one way ticket out of this house. I hate it here. Mommy says I can move in with her [...] I don't care if they don't get to see their grand kids! They'd probably find something un-perfect about them too!"
30 pages of diary entries from 1993 to early 1994 filed with carvings in my arm and thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up.
No wonder I attached myself to someone who I thought would love me unconditionally. The real question to me is why? Why was I there? How did I get to that place?
When I was 13 there was a girl that was either a junior or a senior. I think a senior and I would call her and talk with her and hang out with her. What 17 year old girl hangs out with a 13 year old? But she did. Now she is one of my facebook friends. I looked up to her and sort of acted like she was an older sister.
Then there was a "best friend" of mine, also at the age of 13. Her and I had only one thing in common, horseback riding. She, once again, had a troubled home life and her and I spent A LOT of time together. Then, just as quickly as we became friends, suddenly we weren't any more.
Finally there was a girl who was a year ahead of me in school. This relationship, still to this day, baffles me. I called this girl my mommy. As I look back through my diary entries all I see is a scared, depressed 12, almost 13 year old girl.
"Well, got to go where the people who have no life or best friends go. The only comforting place, asleep!"
I was grounded once for being in a bad mood and I wrote frequently of being depressed. Right now, as I'm writing this, it depresses me. At 12 or 13 little kids should not be depressed. They should not be hurting like I was and what really gets me is I still don't know why. So, through all of this, I reached out to this girl, I think for nurturing or kindness. She, as is the story of my life, didn't have the greatest home life.
I'm not sure what my parents thought of this relationship, as reading about it today creeps me out a bit. I know that I had a horseback riding accident and my whole world kind of changed. I looked scary for awhile and my best friend sort of ditched me and so I just attached myself to that girl during the fall.
My diary is filled with I miss my Mommy, etc and the only thing I can guess is I was looking for acceptance and I was trying to get it from her. My mother was not very "loving" at the time. I'm not sure if I remember hearing her say I love you much throughout my childhood. That has changed a great deal since the Munchkin has been born and DH and I started having problems.
"Christmas is almost here! All I want for Christmas is a one way ticket out of this house. I hate it here. Mommy says I can move in with her [...] I don't care if they don't get to see their grand kids! They'd probably find something un-perfect about them too!"
30 pages of diary entries from 1993 to early 1994 filed with carvings in my arm and thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up.
No wonder I attached myself to someone who I thought would love me unconditionally. The real question to me is why? Why was I there? How did I get to that place?
Sunday, March 8, 1992
Life Altering
Somewhere along the way I learned that it is was very important what people thought of me and that I needed to do what they wanted to get them to like me. I learned it early and I told it to f&^$ off just a few years later. That thing that I learned, it changed my whole life. I will never know for the better or the worse.
In 6th grade R & I were still "dating." Somehow my "friends" had convinced me that it wasn't official because even though by this point we were talking to each other we weren't holding hands or sitting with each other on the bus or doing "official" dating things.
Somehow I took these words to heart and I decided that I had to make him tell everyone that we were together. It backfired on me. My little plan to make him tell everyone. I don't remember exact details but I think there was a note and somehow through all of it he didn't like the attention, the being put on the spot, hell maybe it was all in my head that we were together in the first place but I'm pretty sure he checked no.
I don't have the note, but the memory of crying in my room for days is still there. I let my friends convince me that it wasn't real because they said it wasn't and then suddenly it was all gone. I tried grasping at straws to get it back but it was gone.
Some days, when I'm lonely, I wonder what he's up to. What would have happened if I wouldn't have believed my friends. Wouldn't have been so pushy and demanded and answer from him. Would it have still just fallen apart or would he be the man downstairs right now instead of DH.
In 6th grade R & I were still "dating." Somehow my "friends" had convinced me that it wasn't official because even though by this point we were talking to each other we weren't holding hands or sitting with each other on the bus or doing "official" dating things.
Somehow I took these words to heart and I decided that I had to make him tell everyone that we were together. It backfired on me. My little plan to make him tell everyone. I don't remember exact details but I think there was a note and somehow through all of it he didn't like the attention, the being put on the spot, hell maybe it was all in my head that we were together in the first place but I'm pretty sure he checked no.
I don't have the note, but the memory of crying in my room for days is still there. I let my friends convince me that it wasn't real because they said it wasn't and then suddenly it was all gone. I tried grasping at straws to get it back but it was gone.
Some days, when I'm lonely, I wonder what he's up to. What would have happened if I wouldn't have believed my friends. Wouldn't have been so pushy and demanded and answer from him. Would it have still just fallen apart or would he be the man downstairs right now instead of DH.
Monday, May 1, 1989
First Kiss
I was in elementary school. I think 3rd grade. This boy R and I had been "going out" since Kindergarten. Which looking back now seems a bit odd since I'm not even sure we were in the same class in kindergarten and if we weren't how in the hell did we meet?
Either way, it was well known that we were an item even though we did not talk, or hold hands, or play together. We just were and that was enough. As an aside, are you seeing a pattern here? Dating guys but not really "dating" them. Apparently it started early for me.
So we are on the playground. I chase him down clear out by the far fence and he falls, or I tackle him. Who knows but somehow he is lying down and I lie on top of him and kiss him. Just a little peck. Another boy, K, who I end up dating in 6th grade by the way, is there. He immediately starts saying she KISSED HIM!!
I jump up!! No I didn't!! I didn't kiss him. I just fell!! R & I "dated" for three more years. This is the the only "physical" interaction we ever had.
Either way, it was well known that we were an item even though we did not talk, or hold hands, or play together. We just were and that was enough. As an aside, are you seeing a pattern here? Dating guys but not really "dating" them. Apparently it started early for me.
So we are on the playground. I chase him down clear out by the far fence and he falls, or I tackle him. Who knows but somehow he is lying down and I lie on top of him and kiss him. Just a little peck. Another boy, K, who I end up dating in 6th grade by the way, is there. He immediately starts saying she KISSED HIM!!
I jump up!! No I didn't!! I didn't kiss him. I just fell!! R & I "dated" for three more years. This is the the only "physical" interaction we ever had.
Monday, June 1, 1987
Peter Rabbit
A few birds later after the opossum incident we stumbled upon Peter Rabbit. He was a baby rabbit that one of our cats had plucked from his nest. I remember going outside and hearing this thing scream. Until this point I didn't know that sound could come out of any animal, let alone one so small. Just as always, I promptly set out to find this poor creature and attempt to "save" it. I don't quite recall whether Peter was lying in the grass or if I had to wrestle a cat for him but somehow he made it into our house.
We had a large cat kennel that we deemed as a makeshift rabbit den. For several days we fed this bunny and he seemed to be doing all right. Then one day he decided he was strong enough to explore and he slipped through the bars of the kennel and out into our house. We're not sure if it was the fall from the kennel (it was sitting up on a TV tray) or whether our cat got him but somehow this poor little bunny damaged his equilibrium. From that point on he could no longer hop or sit up and with in a day or two Peter was no longer with us.
We had a large cat kennel that we deemed as a makeshift rabbit den. For several days we fed this bunny and he seemed to be doing all right. Then one day he decided he was strong enough to explore and he slipped through the bars of the kennel and out into our house. We're not sure if it was the fall from the kennel (it was sitting up on a TV tray) or whether our cat got him but somehow this poor little bunny damaged his equilibrium. From that point on he could no longer hop or sit up and with in a day or two Peter was no longer with us.
Sunday, June 1, 1986
The Opossum
When I was about 6 I remember that my father shot an opossum in our back yard. When you live on a farm this is commonplace, and maybe it was because I was just raised that they were mean, but I didn't really grieve for the opossum. However, this was not just any opossum. This was a mother opossum, which had four or five little babies in her pouch.
I can remember seeing one of these babies scurrying around a large bush in our back yard. I had told my mother that I wanted to save it to which she promptly replied, "Don't you dare touch it, it might have rabies!"
For two days we would go out and just stand around on the sidelines and watch as this poor opossum slowly starved to death. Looking back it seems so awful, us standing around this poor creature taking his picture as we watched him die. I wanted so badly to do something for him but my mom was terrified that it would have some disease.
Somewhere in our house an old photo album still contains pictures of that opossum. It was from this point on that I decided that rabies or no rabies, after all, the chances that the mouse-sized opossum actually had rabies were petty slim; I would try to save anything I could.
I can remember seeing one of these babies scurrying around a large bush in our back yard. I had told my mother that I wanted to save it to which she promptly replied, "Don't you dare touch it, it might have rabies!"
For two days we would go out and just stand around on the sidelines and watch as this poor opossum slowly starved to death. Looking back it seems so awful, us standing around this poor creature taking his picture as we watched him die. I wanted so badly to do something for him but my mom was terrified that it would have some disease.
Somewhere in our house an old photo album still contains pictures of that opossum. It was from this point on that I decided that rabies or no rabies, after all, the chances that the mouse-sized opossum actually had rabies were petty slim; I would try to save anything I could.
Thursday, August 1, 1985
The Shirt
I'm five. In a few short months I will be leaving the baby sitters house to go to kindergarten. I live in a different school district than her so I can not stay at her house any longer. As a going away present she is making me a shirt. Every kid gets one when they leave, a way to remember her.
We go to the fabric store. A trip with my mom to pick out the fabric for my "special shirt." I pick one, my mom asks me if I am sure. I tell her that I am. It is BRIGHT. Not just a little bright, but a lot of bright. Primary colors, horizontal stripes.
She makes the shirt. I don't know how many times I have worn it but I know that I still own it. After I got married I cleaned out my room at home and there it was. Obviously I will never fit into it again but I can't bare to part with it. Somewhere in a tote up in our attic sits my shirt.
This year my baby sitter passed away. She will never make another shirt for another little kid. I'm so glad I still have mine.
We go to the fabric store. A trip with my mom to pick out the fabric for my "special shirt." I pick one, my mom asks me if I am sure. I tell her that I am. It is BRIGHT. Not just a little bright, but a lot of bright. Primary colors, horizontal stripes.
She makes the shirt. I don't know how many times I have worn it but I know that I still own it. After I got married I cleaned out my room at home and there it was. Obviously I will never fit into it again but I can't bare to part with it. Somewhere in a tote up in our attic sits my shirt.
This year my baby sitter passed away. She will never make another shirt for another little kid. I'm so glad I still have mine.
The mole..
I'm at the baby sitters. My mom comes, it is the middle of the morning. She doesn't ever come this early. She tells me that we are going to the doctor. We get there and he looks at something on my back. Something that my mom is concerned about.
Suddenly there is pain. Enormous amounts of pain. Horrible pain, I think I am going to die. I cry. Huge hot wet tears. I'm scared and that hurt. My mom tells me to stop crying, that the worst part is over. I can't. It hurt, I can't let him touch me again. It will hurt.
Finally the doctor leaves the room to give me time to calm down. I'm pretty sure at this point I'm screaming. She doesn't hug me. There is no comfort. Just angry words. I'm acting ridiculous. The shot wasn't that bad. I'm embarrassing her and I need to just stop it right now.
Finally I calm down and the doctor returns. I lay on the table and brace myself for the worst. It is over in two seconds. No pain, I feel nothing. He puts a bandaid on my back and I am free to get dressed. See? You should have listened to me. I told you it wouldn't hurt and you made that entire scene for nothing.
She is right, I am wrong. She takes me back to the baby sitters. The pain is long sense gone, the trauma will never go away.
Suddenly there is pain. Enormous amounts of pain. Horrible pain, I think I am going to die. I cry. Huge hot wet tears. I'm scared and that hurt. My mom tells me to stop crying, that the worst part is over. I can't. It hurt, I can't let him touch me again. It will hurt.
Finally the doctor leaves the room to give me time to calm down. I'm pretty sure at this point I'm screaming. She doesn't hug me. There is no comfort. Just angry words. I'm acting ridiculous. The shot wasn't that bad. I'm embarrassing her and I need to just stop it right now.
Finally I calm down and the doctor returns. I lay on the table and brace myself for the worst. It is over in two seconds. No pain, I feel nothing. He puts a bandaid on my back and I am free to get dressed. See? You should have listened to me. I told you it wouldn't hurt and you made that entire scene for nothing.
She is right, I am wrong. She takes me back to the baby sitters. The pain is long sense gone, the trauma will never go away.
Sunday, June 30, 1985
You show me yours
We are under a picnic table in the back yard. All the other kids are playing on the swing set. It is just T and I. We told all the others to go away. Leave us alone. We have to be quick. He wants to see, I want to see.
1,2,3... show...
Wow... is that what it looks like? That's like daddy's only smaller. He has done his duty, I do mine. Does he realize I have nothing for him to see? In five minutes it is over. We are innocent, just want to look. Want to see what all of the fuss is about. Then back to the swing set we go as if nothing ever happened.
1,2,3... show...
Wow... is that what it looks like? That's like daddy's only smaller. He has done his duty, I do mine. Does he realize I have nothing for him to see? In five minutes it is over. We are innocent, just want to look. Want to see what all of the fuss is about. Then back to the swing set we go as if nothing ever happened.
Friday, June 14, 1985
Playing Doctor
There's a big chair in the baby sitter's basement. A large 70's type recliner. We have something similar at home. We go behind it, so the other kids don't see. T, J & I. Two boys, one girl all behind that chair for the same reason. T doesn't have any sisters, I don't have any brothers. J has a sister but she's mentally challenged. Perhaps she looks different.
We want to see, but we are caught. Just as we are getting to the "good" part someone comes down stairs. Asks what we are doing. Nothing, just playing. We come out and move on with our day.
We want to see, but we are caught. Just as we are getting to the "good" part someone comes down stairs. Asks what we are doing. Nothing, just playing. We come out and move on with our day.
Saturday, June 1, 1985
A thief
I can still, even to this day see the image. We are walking along in the grocery store. On the ground I see a grape. I don't want anyone to step on it so I pick it up. I look around but there are no garbage cans. I can't put it back up with the grapes, someone might eat it, it has been on the floor.
I don't offer it to my mother, perhaps she is busy, perhaps it doesn't cross my mind. I put it in my pocket. When we get home I will throw it away. It is garbage. But we get home, and I don't remember. It stays in my pocket and then my mom does laundry and she finds the grape.
I remember she's screaming. I'm a thief, why would I steal? Hasn't she taught me better than that? What was I thinking? I'm crying, I can't help it. I try to tell her, try to get it through to her. It was on the floor. I didn't want someone to step on it. I didn't' steal it.
Finally, I think she gets it. I'm unsure that she believes me but she knows my side of the story and I am free to go. No apology, nothing. Just free to go. My mom thinks I'm a thief, why would she think I would steal? I'm a good girl....
I don't offer it to my mother, perhaps she is busy, perhaps it doesn't cross my mind. I put it in my pocket. When we get home I will throw it away. It is garbage. But we get home, and I don't remember. It stays in my pocket and then my mom does laundry and she finds the grape.
I remember she's screaming. I'm a thief, why would I steal? Hasn't she taught me better than that? What was I thinking? I'm crying, I can't help it. I try to tell her, try to get it through to her. It was on the floor. I didn't want someone to step on it. I didn't' steal it.
Finally, I think she gets it. I'm unsure that she believes me but she knows my side of the story and I am free to go. No apology, nothing. Just free to go. My mom thinks I'm a thief, why would she think I would steal? I'm a good girl....
Sunday, May 12, 1985
Kindergarten Roundup
I have just turned five. I will be going to Kindergarten in the fall and it is now time for that wonderful tradition of kindergarten roundup. The one week at the end of the school year where all of the kindergartners go home and all of the preschoolers get to go to school.
I was a big kid. I could do this. I don't remember my mom taking me to school on the first day. I remember the big laminated paper crayons with our names on them. Something they could never do in today's day and age. These crayons were safety pinned to my front and my back. I stood on the deck for the obligatory picture and then the bus came.
The large bus that the big kids rode on. And I was getting on it to go to school all by myself.
I was a big kid. I could do this. I don't remember my mom taking me to school on the first day. I remember the big laminated paper crayons with our names on them. Something they could never do in today's day and age. These crayons were safety pinned to my front and my back. I stood on the deck for the obligatory picture and then the bus came.
The large bus that the big kids rode on. And I was getting on it to go to school all by myself.
Sunday, May 5, 1985
Forgotten...
I'm at preschool, I'm waiting outside for my daddy to come and pick me up. I wait and wait. All of the other kids are gone and I am alone. Finally the teacher comes and tells me to come back inside.
They call my dad, he has forgotten to come and pick me up. They tell me I can play with the other kids that are there for afternoon preschool so I am happy and don't really notice how long it takes for him to get there.
They call my dad, he has forgotten to come and pick me up. They tell me I can play with the other kids that are there for afternoon preschool so I am happy and don't really notice how long it takes for him to get there.
Friday, March 1, 1985
Crying Game
I'm small. Four or five. I'm sitting in a room alone, dinning room, living room, I'm unsure. I'm crying. Not real crying.. fake doll crying. But I don't stop. I am holding my doll and I'm crying, boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, maybe ten minutes. Over and over.
Finally my mom looks in on me. Is everything ok in here? I stop. I'm embarrassed. I'm just playing I tell her. She goes away and I am alone.
Finally my mom looks in on me. Is everything ok in here? I stop. I'm embarrassed. I'm just playing I tell her. She goes away and I am alone.
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