I have been asked by a couple of people where the comments went to all of my daily posts. The short answer is, I took them off. The long answer is a bit more complicated.
Right now I'm REALLY struggling. I'm struggling every day to make the best decisions that I know how and every day, all day long there is constant chatter in my head. Did you do that right? Should you do this? ALL day long...
Then, I started posting basically a running commentary here and what it resulted in was more voices in my head. And really... I just can't do it. I need to know that the decisions that I'm making are mine and mine alone and when people are commenting on every aspect of my life I just don't feel like I can do that.
It is not because I don't feel like you guys have valuable things to say or that anyone said anything that offended me. I just need to do this for me, so when it all is said and done I know that I did this. This is the most personal thing I have in my life and with everyone commenting I also started to sensor what I wrote. Not on purpose, just as a side affect. This way, I can be 100% honest and open.
I know you are there, I can see it on my stat counter. (If you need to tell me something, e-mail me) I know you are reading and that is what I need right now. The stories I tell about the past will still have comments on them. Just, for right now, not the daily posts.
I hope you understand.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Day 8
Sorry I'm a bit late in getting this posted. Yesterday started out with a fight about a candy bar and ended with DH threatening to pack his bags and then ultimately sleeping on the couch. How did we get here? How did we get to this place where we are irreversibly screwed up? And how, for the love of god, do we ever get out?
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 7
Last night we got a call from some AA & Al-anon friends about playing cards at their house (well the guys played cards, the women watched a chick flick.) It was nice to hang out with some people that I knew were straight.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Day 6
DH was home by 4:30 yesterday and we went to our meeting last night as planned. On the way to our meeting I was trying to talk to him about why he is quitting and the answer I was getting sort of makes me nervous. The answer he gave me was that is the only way he can be in his little boy's life.
And while that is true, to some extent, if he is only quitting for Munchkin I'm afraid that it will be much like the last time in the fact that it won't "stick." So I tried to tell him that he needs to do this for himself. Because he knows it is the only way to have a normal life. Because he knows that the drug was ruling his life and he was not living his own life. That if Munchkin and I were gone tomorrow he would still want to be clean for those reasons.
I don't know if I made an impression or not. After our meeting we went to dinner and then home and once we were home there was more discussion. (Although I would have just preferred to go to bed.) He was upset and crying, telling me how he hates himself for what he has done and he just feels like maybe he should go away and not come back. I wasn't sure what to say.
Part of me feels like maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe we are too far gone to ever get back. But then another part of me feels like if he hates himself that much how can we ever know if we are ok as a couple until each of us is ok separately.
So about midnight we finally settled on going to the counselor today and each seeing our own counselor for our own sessions with the goal to find our who we are and what we want before we make any major decisions about our lives together.
This morning, he went to work and I went to work and he actually showed up before me to the counseling appointment. He was pretty honest with me during the counseling appointment including sharing a moment that I pretty much wish he wouldn't have.
Apparently at his dad's wedding his aunt did some cocaine with him. Now this was two and a half years ago, and before he went to treatment but it has been eating at me ever since I heard it. She was one of my biggest supporters when I committed him and while he was in treatment. She was the one calling telling him he needed to get his life straight, etc. Now I feel like she was a fraud. Like how can I ever look at her the same again?
DH begged me to never mention it to her. Told me that she was horribly embarrassed and that she had gotten drunk and let her guard down. He says if I ever mention it he will deny telling me and she will probably deny doing it. At this point I think I just need to let it go, but it burns my ass just the same.
And while that is true, to some extent, if he is only quitting for Munchkin I'm afraid that it will be much like the last time in the fact that it won't "stick." So I tried to tell him that he needs to do this for himself. Because he knows it is the only way to have a normal life. Because he knows that the drug was ruling his life and he was not living his own life. That if Munchkin and I were gone tomorrow he would still want to be clean for those reasons.
I don't know if I made an impression or not. After our meeting we went to dinner and then home and once we were home there was more discussion. (Although I would have just preferred to go to bed.) He was upset and crying, telling me how he hates himself for what he has done and he just feels like maybe he should go away and not come back. I wasn't sure what to say.
Part of me feels like maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe we are too far gone to ever get back. But then another part of me feels like if he hates himself that much how can we ever know if we are ok as a couple until each of us is ok separately.
So about midnight we finally settled on going to the counselor today and each seeing our own counselor for our own sessions with the goal to find our who we are and what we want before we make any major decisions about our lives together.
This morning, he went to work and I went to work and he actually showed up before me to the counseling appointment. He was pretty honest with me during the counseling appointment including sharing a moment that I pretty much wish he wouldn't have.
Apparently at his dad's wedding his aunt did some cocaine with him. Now this was two and a half years ago, and before he went to treatment but it has been eating at me ever since I heard it. She was one of my biggest supporters when I committed him and while he was in treatment. She was the one calling telling him he needed to get his life straight, etc. Now I feel like she was a fraud. Like how can I ever look at her the same again?
DH begged me to never mention it to her. Told me that she was horribly embarrassed and that she had gotten drunk and let her guard down. He says if I ever mention it he will deny telling me and she will probably deny doing it. At this point I think I just need to let it go, but it burns my ass just the same.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Day 5
Well, there is not a lot to report from yesterday. I called DH on the way home from work and he was still at work. I could hear the kid he works with in the background (and since I've met him I know his voice.)
He called me a little while later and told me he was on his way home. I went to the basement last night and found some remnants of toilet paper rolls with toilet paper in them and some other crap. I gathered it all up and threw it out. Something I never thought I would have to do again. Something that just solidifies this boundary I have drawn. I'm done. I'm never, ever doing that again.
Something for discussion today... this boundary. I fee like a fraud. Like I wasn't strong enough to kick him out so I am using this as my cop out. I know that if I don't do it this way I will never know and I will always question myself. This has to be the way it is done, at least for me, or else I will never know 100% that I made the right choice. That I gave him the option to leave or stay.
Still, it feels very much like I am defaulting to him again. I feel like I needed that one last chance to say see... I told you what would happen, I gave you a choice and you chose to go out and use again. I'm angry with myself that I couldn't just say enough is enough two weeks ago.
I don't regret this decision. I love DH and if he can get his shit together and we can go to counseling and fix our marriage I will be ecstatic. I'm just a little frustrated with my lack of being able to just do something. Just make a choice, not default to someone else to make that choice for me.
I guess that's something to work on... huh??
He called me a little while later and told me he was on his way home. I went to the basement last night and found some remnants of toilet paper rolls with toilet paper in them and some other crap. I gathered it all up and threw it out. Something I never thought I would have to do again. Something that just solidifies this boundary I have drawn. I'm done. I'm never, ever doing that again.
Something for discussion today... this boundary. I fee like a fraud. Like I wasn't strong enough to kick him out so I am using this as my cop out. I know that if I don't do it this way I will never know and I will always question myself. This has to be the way it is done, at least for me, or else I will never know 100% that I made the right choice. That I gave him the option to leave or stay.
Still, it feels very much like I am defaulting to him again. I feel like I needed that one last chance to say see... I told you what would happen, I gave you a choice and you chose to go out and use again. I'm angry with myself that I couldn't just say enough is enough two weeks ago.
I don't regret this decision. I love DH and if he can get his shit together and we can go to counseling and fix our marriage I will be ecstatic. I'm just a little frustrated with my lack of being able to just do something. Just make a choice, not default to someone else to make that choice for me.
I guess that's something to work on... huh??
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Day Four
Well, last night was pretty uneventful, except for the times I was convincing myself that the world was ending. I worked until 9:00 and he was supposed to go to a meeting from 7:30 - 8:30 so there was about an hour there from 8:00 - 9:00 where all I could think of was driving through the old neighborhoods to see if his car was at any of the drug houses.
At the end of the day, I'm not even sure if he went to the meeting, stayed home and slept on the couch, or went to one of their houses but was home early. I tried to call him a million times starting at like 8:45 and I did drive by the one house that is on my way home but when I got there at 9:30 he was at home, in bed and just about asleep.
This morning he took the test. It was positive for THC and possibly Cocaine. You are supposed to see a line if the test is negative (it is the opposite of a pregnancy test which is confusing) and it says right in the instructions if there is a line, no matter how faint, the test is negative. Well there were obvious lines for Opiates (bright red) and Meth & Amphetamines, light lines but lines none the less. But the Cocaine one was hard to read. I think there was a line there but I'm not sure.
So when I sent it to the lab I marked to have them check all the ones that were possible questions. The results won't be in for 7 - 10 business days and they only tell me positive or negative not what the levels are, but at least it is a start.
Then, he called me at 9:45 this morning crying and saying how he doesn't want to mess this up and he just really wants me to know how much he loves me and that he is going to fix this. My first thought when he called and was upset was that he was fired. He assured me that he was not and that he had just been working alone and was doing some thinking and wanted to call me.
I'm very conflicted about this. When he gets upset it takes down part of that defensive wall that I built up and it makes me see more of the person and less of the disease. I'm going to have a really hard time walking away from the person. The disease I could kick to the curb any day. However, I have set a boundary and I have to stick to it. If he messes up again, I need to be strong and not get sucked in by the fact that I feel sorry for him. I know this is hard for him, but at some point my feeling sorry for him and saying oh this is hard I'll forgive you again begins to be more of a hindrance on his getting well than a help.
So... there's where we are today. Still working towards the Saturday counseling appointment, still working on keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
At the end of the day, I'm not even sure if he went to the meeting, stayed home and slept on the couch, or went to one of their houses but was home early. I tried to call him a million times starting at like 8:45 and I did drive by the one house that is on my way home but when I got there at 9:30 he was at home, in bed and just about asleep.
This morning he took the test. It was positive for THC and possibly Cocaine. You are supposed to see a line if the test is negative (it is the opposite of a pregnancy test which is confusing) and it says right in the instructions if there is a line, no matter how faint, the test is negative. Well there were obvious lines for Opiates (bright red) and Meth & Amphetamines, light lines but lines none the less. But the Cocaine one was hard to read. I think there was a line there but I'm not sure.
So when I sent it to the lab I marked to have them check all the ones that were possible questions. The results won't be in for 7 - 10 business days and they only tell me positive or negative not what the levels are, but at least it is a start.
Then, he called me at 9:45 this morning crying and saying how he doesn't want to mess this up and he just really wants me to know how much he loves me and that he is going to fix this. My first thought when he called and was upset was that he was fired. He assured me that he was not and that he had just been working alone and was doing some thinking and wanted to call me.
I'm very conflicted about this. When he gets upset it takes down part of that defensive wall that I built up and it makes me see more of the person and less of the disease. I'm going to have a really hard time walking away from the person. The disease I could kick to the curb any day. However, I have set a boundary and I have to stick to it. If he messes up again, I need to be strong and not get sucked in by the fact that I feel sorry for him. I know this is hard for him, but at some point my feeling sorry for him and saying oh this is hard I'll forgive you again begins to be more of a hindrance on his getting well than a help.
So... there's where we are today. Still working towards the Saturday counseling appointment, still working on keeping my boundaries firmly in place.
Test Results
The picture was HARD to take and it's upside down but what you WANT is to see two lines in every box. Obviously that's not what I got. There are two faint lines in the two boxes on the right that didn't show up very well. (Methamphetamine - Far right, Amphetamines - 2nd to right) The box on the left obviously had two lines (Opiates) and the box in the middle is THC which we knew he wouldn't pass.The box 2nd to the left is the questionable one. There was a line, but it was very faint. When I packaged it up for testing I marked all four boxes to have them test all four. Unfortunately they will only tell me negative or positive, not the levels like I wanted.
Reading the Results: A negative result is indicated by two (2) pin color bands (of any intensity), one in the control region AND one in the test region. This result means that the urine screened negative. REMEMBER - EVEN A VERY FAINT LINE IS A NEGATIVE RESULT
A single rose pink color band which appears in the control region and NO line in the test region means the urine screen is considered to be PRELIMINARY POSITIVE. The urine sample must be sent to the laboratory for further testing. More than one test may be "preliminary."
What does a preliminary test result mean?This means that the test has reacted with something in the sample and must be sent to the lab for a more accurate test. Please review the Test Limitations following this section.
First, and most important: BE PATIENT. The result you obtained is called "preliminary" for a reason. The sample MUST be tested by our clinical laboratory in order to determine if a drug of abuse is actually present. You will never know for sure without taking the second step.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The FIL Fiasco
On Sunday FIL & Step-MIL were supposed to come over to dinner. SIL was in two with her children and so we wanted to get together with them, without all of the drama that goes along with going to their house.
We asked them about this like a week in advance. On Saturday SIL called to confirm that they were still coming and that it was just the two of them. (She said so she made sure there was enough food but really it was because we didn't want them dragging the whole crew along) They agreed, just them, Sunday, 4:00.
So Sunday at 1:00 I get a phone call from SIL telling me that FIL has changed his mind. The step sisters feel left out and so they want us to come over to their house. HELL no!! Nothing good EVER happens to us when we go over there.
So finally, for the first time E-V-E-R both DH and SIL stood up to FIL and told him that he was invited to our house and that is where we would all be. If he would like to come he was more than welcome but we would not be changing our plans.
4:00 came and went and there was no FIL. SIL had called him on her way over and he had told her that the Step-SIL had thrown a big fit about not being invited and he had gotten pissed and left for the bar. Good idea... why come to spend time with your children when you could just go to the bar.
So, needless to say I almost fell off of the couch when at 5:00 the door opened and in walked FIL and step-MIL. The visit was nice. We had a good time. Step-MIL didn't talk much, but that's not new. She's quiet in person but behind the scenes she is pulling the strings.
They were there until about 7:30 and then they were on their way. On Monday I got a call that FIL could not find his wallet. How is it that the one and ONLY time they come to our house his wallet goes missing. This one I don't even suspect DH for because it was in his Dad's back pocket in the kitchen after dinner because we were talking about spare keys and he pulled it out and showed us that he has one in his wallet.
After that he went out and started his car and then came in, said goodbye to the boys and went home. There was not an opportunity for DH to pick his pocket. What I really think happened is that Step-MIL or Step-SIL took it when he got home on Sunday night to try to frame DH. I know that sounds crazy but these people are crazy. They are totally trying to keep him away from his own children and were seriously PISSED OFF that we didn't invite the whole step family. What better way to make sure he never goes to our house again?
We asked them about this like a week in advance. On Saturday SIL called to confirm that they were still coming and that it was just the two of them. (She said so she made sure there was enough food but really it was because we didn't want them dragging the whole crew along) They agreed, just them, Sunday, 4:00.
So Sunday at 1:00 I get a phone call from SIL telling me that FIL has changed his mind. The step sisters feel left out and so they want us to come over to their house. HELL no!! Nothing good EVER happens to us when we go over there.
So finally, for the first time E-V-E-R both DH and SIL stood up to FIL and told him that he was invited to our house and that is where we would all be. If he would like to come he was more than welcome but we would not be changing our plans.
4:00 came and went and there was no FIL. SIL had called him on her way over and he had told her that the Step-SIL had thrown a big fit about not being invited and he had gotten pissed and left for the bar. Good idea... why come to spend time with your children when you could just go to the bar.
So, needless to say I almost fell off of the couch when at 5:00 the door opened and in walked FIL and step-MIL. The visit was nice. We had a good time. Step-MIL didn't talk much, but that's not new. She's quiet in person but behind the scenes she is pulling the strings.
They were there until about 7:30 and then they were on their way. On Monday I got a call that FIL could not find his wallet. How is it that the one and ONLY time they come to our house his wallet goes missing. This one I don't even suspect DH for because it was in his Dad's back pocket in the kitchen after dinner because we were talking about spare keys and he pulled it out and showed us that he has one in his wallet.
After that he went out and started his car and then came in, said goodbye to the boys and went home. There was not an opportunity for DH to pick his pocket. What I really think happened is that Step-MIL or Step-SIL took it when he got home on Sunday night to try to frame DH. I know that sounds crazy but these people are crazy. They are totally trying to keep him away from his own children and were seriously PISSED OFF that we didn't invite the whole step family. What better way to make sure he never goes to our house again?
Day Three
So, the news from the lawyer was kind of a mixed bag. Several people have suggested that I am seeing only what I want to see in it. I believe that to be true also. At this point, I'm just proud of myself for at least taking that step and now I know a little bit about what my options are. Keeping him on just supervised visitations will be tricky and take some fighting in court. If he doesn't argue with my suggestion, it could go smoothly. If he argues it could get ugly. I don't really want ugly.
Yesterday, I set my first boundary that I'm counting on all of you to help me keep. I have contacted the lawyer, I am done with all of the crap, if he uses from this point forward I'm done. If I suspect he's using, I'm probably right and should probably be done then too. I figure with me writing here daily as long as I'm honest with you then I have to tell you if I think it happened or know it happened.
In an effort to keep myself honest, today is drug test day. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Part of me thought, well he'll just fail anyway, but I think a bigger part of me wondered if he wouldn't fail for more than just pot. And if he does, I think my choice may become more clear. While I have every faith that if he wants to, he can get away from the pot, I'm not so sure if it has gone farther than that if he will be able to.
Once he takes, and presumably fails, the drug test I can send it in to a lab and they will give me the results in number form. (i.e. how much is in his system) and I will be able to compare that to the next drug test I buy in another week and see if the levels are going down, up or staying the same. Either of the last two is also a reason for you to give me a giant shove forward off the cliff of divorce proceedings.
Last night we attended a meeting together. He hasn't been in over a week and when we got in the car he thanked me for taking him with me and told me that he talked to a lot of really good people and that was just what he needed.
We shall see...
Yesterday, I set my first boundary that I'm counting on all of you to help me keep. I have contacted the lawyer, I am done with all of the crap, if he uses from this point forward I'm done. If I suspect he's using, I'm probably right and should probably be done then too. I figure with me writing here daily as long as I'm honest with you then I have to tell you if I think it happened or know it happened.
In an effort to keep myself honest, today is drug test day. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Part of me thought, well he'll just fail anyway, but I think a bigger part of me wondered if he wouldn't fail for more than just pot. And if he does, I think my choice may become more clear. While I have every faith that if he wants to, he can get away from the pot, I'm not so sure if it has gone farther than that if he will be able to.
Once he takes, and presumably fails, the drug test I can send it in to a lab and they will give me the results in number form. (i.e. how much is in his system) and I will be able to compare that to the next drug test I buy in another week and see if the levels are going down, up or staying the same. Either of the last two is also a reason for you to give me a giant shove forward off the cliff of divorce proceedings.
Last night we attended a meeting together. He hasn't been in over a week and when we got in the car he thanked me for taking him with me and told me that he talked to a lot of really good people and that was just what he needed.
We shall see...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Injustice of the Courts
The news from my lawyer is much as I expected. Some good, some bad.
I find it interesting that you are all up in arms about him using when the courts could really give a Sh!t less. It is pot, as far as I know, not meth. As far as they are concerned, even though it is illegal, they will NOT remove a child from a home or require supervised visitations for pot use. My lawyer has confirmed this fact.
So if I leave him, and he fights it, it is possible that even though he is using they could give him unsupervised visits with my son. My biggest fear at this point.
The good news is that my lawyer feels that I have a good case to get him to pay back a large portion, if not all of the money we owe to my parents based on the fact that we would not have had to borrow it at all had he not had the troubles he did. I have a spreadsheet showing why we have each debt and who is responsible for each portion. He says it may, or may not, help me with the remaining debt but for sure could help with the part to my parents.
So there you have it. Once again, hosed by the very system that is set up to protect children and punish criminals. I stay with DH because I know this system. I have been dealing with it for 12 years. They won't take my son for his pot use, whether he is dealing or not. In fact they might actually order me to let him visit him, unsupervised. How is that for justice?
I find it interesting that you are all up in arms about him using when the courts could really give a Sh!t less. It is pot, as far as I know, not meth. As far as they are concerned, even though it is illegal, they will NOT remove a child from a home or require supervised visitations for pot use. My lawyer has confirmed this fact.
So if I leave him, and he fights it, it is possible that even though he is using they could give him unsupervised visits with my son. My biggest fear at this point.
The good news is that my lawyer feels that I have a good case to get him to pay back a large portion, if not all of the money we owe to my parents based on the fact that we would not have had to borrow it at all had he not had the troubles he did. I have a spreadsheet showing why we have each debt and who is responsible for each portion. He says it may, or may not, help me with the remaining debt but for sure could help with the part to my parents.
So there you have it. Once again, hosed by the very system that is set up to protect children and punish criminals. I stay with DH because I know this system. I have been dealing with it for 12 years. They won't take my son for his pot use, whether he is dealing or not. In fact they might actually order me to let him visit him, unsupervised. How is that for justice?
The Absence of Choice
I was going to stick a few sentences in my last post about this but I think it probably deserves its own post. I'm working on my 4th step inventory right now. For those of you unfamiliar with the program, the 4th step is where you make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
Basically you list out things you like about yourself, things that are good about you and then things that you don't like about yourself. Your character defects, as we call them. For me, one of my largest character defects is the absence of choice.
Not that I don't have choices but that I choose not to make them. Given the option of staying where I am and being miserable or making a choice and changing my life I will choose (or really the absence of making a decision) the first option every time. There is some part of me that is desperately afraid to make the wrong decision so instead I just freeze. Stand still and let the world revolve around me.
For much of my relationship with DH this is what has kept me with him. He does something and I say to myself if he doesn't come home then we're done. However, he comes home, maybe not that day, or the next day but eventually and then it becomes his fault. He choose not to leave so I guess we are staying together.
Lately it's been this absolute paralyzing fear that if I do something it will be the wrong something. Munchkin will hate me, he will be irreversibly screwed up and turn into an awful child, DH will get sober without me and I will miss it, etc. I can run through a million things in my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. Deer in the headlights freeze. And then I go about my day, doing what I know and what I'm comfortable with which gets me exactly what I've always gotten.
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.
I know what I've always gotten. I may not like it but I know what it is. If I do something different what if I don't like the results? What if it is worse? A million what ifs and the only thing I know right now is I need to do something different. Scary or not I'm about to make some changes... one day at a time.
Basically you list out things you like about yourself, things that are good about you and then things that you don't like about yourself. Your character defects, as we call them. For me, one of my largest character defects is the absence of choice.
Not that I don't have choices but that I choose not to make them. Given the option of staying where I am and being miserable or making a choice and changing my life I will choose (or really the absence of making a decision) the first option every time. There is some part of me that is desperately afraid to make the wrong decision so instead I just freeze. Stand still and let the world revolve around me.
For much of my relationship with DH this is what has kept me with him. He does something and I say to myself if he doesn't come home then we're done. However, he comes home, maybe not that day, or the next day but eventually and then it becomes his fault. He choose not to leave so I guess we are staying together.
Lately it's been this absolute paralyzing fear that if I do something it will be the wrong something. Munchkin will hate me, he will be irreversibly screwed up and turn into an awful child, DH will get sober without me and I will miss it, etc. I can run through a million things in my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I just freeze. Deer in the headlights freeze. And then I go about my day, doing what I know and what I'm comfortable with which gets me exactly what I've always gotten.
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.
I know what I've always gotten. I may not like it but I know what it is. If I do something different what if I don't like the results? What if it is worse? A million what ifs and the only thing I know right now is I need to do something different. Scary or not I'm about to make some changes... one day at a time.
How Did We Get Back Here?
Someone asked how did he end up back in my house when I said he wasn't coming back until he passed a drug test.
I think now is a good time to introduce you to a part of me that some of you might not know about. Hi, I'm H an I'm spineless. I have absolutely no boundaries and I will, given the chance, allow my self to be walked all over and completely taken advantage of. So, yeah, that's basically it.
On the 22nd he just sort of showed up after a meeting and never left. I didn't WANT him back here but I sort of gave in. Munchkin was miserable without his daddy. He was acting out at daycare, hitting other kids, not listening, spending at least once every day in the directors office. And when DH would come to visit he would cling to him and cry when he left.
So, I was stupid. I THOUGHT that DH was doing well. I THOUGHT that he had three weeks clean and he was going to meetings every night. I didn't know he wasn't clean because I couldn't see him and the way he acted. He wasn't living here. So, I made a decision, one that I regret now and I let him stay. In my mind since I thought he was doing well and it was just one more week until he could pass the test I thought why torture Munchkin with what is a temporary situation.
I now know that was a bad choice. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? And now that he's here... I just can't seem to make him go away. There are large guilt trips involved about how his life will be over and how he loves us so much and this is a disease and he's struggling with it. There are promises of how this is the last time, this time it will be different, he's done, etc.
It has been three weeks of hell and I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do. I'm making decisions, bad decisions, based off of, we owe a lot of money. He will be making money this summer why should he have that money and I be poor. He should have to stick around a pay for it. I have to make better choices. I suck at choices. And decisions... and well pretty much anything where DH is concerned.
So I have sought outside help. I'm e-mailing my sponsor every day, I'm a BAD phone person. I HATE calling people to just "talk." So, e-mail it is. And she is giving me the best advice she can. We also have couples and individual counseling that we will be attending starting this weekend, assuming we make it to this weekend.
So there you have it, he sort of showed up and I'm spineless and didn't make him leave and now I'm afraid I'll screw up Munchkin even more if he leaves and then comes back so I'm trying to decide if permanent removal of him from our household is what's best for all of us or if we can still fix what is broken.
I think now is a good time to introduce you to a part of me that some of you might not know about. Hi, I'm H an I'm spineless. I have absolutely no boundaries and I will, given the chance, allow my self to be walked all over and completely taken advantage of. So, yeah, that's basically it.
On the 22nd he just sort of showed up after a meeting and never left. I didn't WANT him back here but I sort of gave in. Munchkin was miserable without his daddy. He was acting out at daycare, hitting other kids, not listening, spending at least once every day in the directors office. And when DH would come to visit he would cling to him and cry when he left.
So, I was stupid. I THOUGHT that DH was doing well. I THOUGHT that he had three weeks clean and he was going to meetings every night. I didn't know he wasn't clean because I couldn't see him and the way he acted. He wasn't living here. So, I made a decision, one that I regret now and I let him stay. In my mind since I thought he was doing well and it was just one more week until he could pass the test I thought why torture Munchkin with what is a temporary situation.
I now know that was a bad choice. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? And now that he's here... I just can't seem to make him go away. There are large guilt trips involved about how his life will be over and how he loves us so much and this is a disease and he's struggling with it. There are promises of how this is the last time, this time it will be different, he's done, etc.
It has been three weeks of hell and I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do. I'm making decisions, bad decisions, based off of, we owe a lot of money. He will be making money this summer why should he have that money and I be poor. He should have to stick around a pay for it. I have to make better choices. I suck at choices. And decisions... and well pretty much anything where DH is concerned.
So I have sought outside help. I'm e-mailing my sponsor every day, I'm a BAD phone person. I HATE calling people to just "talk." So, e-mail it is. And she is giving me the best advice she can. We also have couples and individual counseling that we will be attending starting this weekend, assuming we make it to this weekend.
So there you have it, he sort of showed up and I'm spineless and didn't make him leave and now I'm afraid I'll screw up Munchkin even more if he leaves and then comes back so I'm trying to decide if permanent removal of him from our household is what's best for all of us or if we can still fix what is broken.
Day Two
Yesterday was better. Well sort of. I found out about the using and the dealing in the morning but then I went to work and the day went ok.
I thought all day about e-mailing the lawyer, he's a family friend, and just getting some advice but I didn't do it. I just couldn't make that leap. So I called a counseling service that has evening and weekend hours and I made an appointment for Saturday for both of us. The guy we are talking to is an expert in couple's counseling but they have someone there that they said DH would see alone who specializes in addiction and chemical dependency.
Then I came home and well, it was just stress all over again. I'm pretty sure I'm REALLY starting to resent him. I forgot my boots so I had to stop at home before I fed the horses and he was asleep on the couch. WTF?? Really? You need to sleep after 7 or 8 hours of work? Like not just a little sleep either, passed out, because I had called at 5:30 and talked to him and woken him up from whatever stupor he was in and he still fell back asleep. So he was sleeping pretty deeply and it just pushed all of my buttons. He had no reason to be that deep into sleep unless he was using or recovering from using this weekend. I'm hoping it was the later but I don't know that for sure.
After that my night calmed down for, oh I don't know and hour. Munchkin and I got some food we played and cleaned up from when everyone was here on Sunday and then I put him to bed. About 8:00 I tried to call DH, he was at a meeting (not AA) with my dad, and I got his voice mail. So I snooped and listened to his message only to find out that he has been back to this house on the East side that he SWORE he would never go to again. I know, never listen to an addict.
And I'm pretty sure that's what pushed me over the edge. I can't go back there again. Today I need to muster up the courage to e-mail the lawyer my questions. When he was using before I was told by DHS that they could not keep DH from Munchkin simply for pot use. That it was not a reason to remove a child or keep them away. I need to find out if that is still true and if it is how I keep DH from being unsupervised with Munchkin on my own. I'm wondering if I could build it in to the divorce decree or if the judge has to be the one to require supervised visits and would a judge do that based on his past history alone or not. I will NOT let Munchkin be with him unsupervised, even if that means staying married to him.
Then we come to the money thing. I don't know if the massive sums of money that we owe my parents can be split upon divorce. They are technically "off the books" debt and the only way to account for them is to ask me or my mom. There isn't any note on my credit report that those sums were paid although I do still have the bills and I'm sure my mom has carbons of the checks she wrote to pay the bills.
Either way, yesterday was counselor day, today is lawyer day. If we make it to Saturday to see the counselor... great. If we don't... I guess I have the lawyer as my backup plan.
I thought all day about e-mailing the lawyer, he's a family friend, and just getting some advice but I didn't do it. I just couldn't make that leap. So I called a counseling service that has evening and weekend hours and I made an appointment for Saturday for both of us. The guy we are talking to is an expert in couple's counseling but they have someone there that they said DH would see alone who specializes in addiction and chemical dependency.
Then I came home and well, it was just stress all over again. I'm pretty sure I'm REALLY starting to resent him. I forgot my boots so I had to stop at home before I fed the horses and he was asleep on the couch. WTF?? Really? You need to sleep after 7 or 8 hours of work? Like not just a little sleep either, passed out, because I had called at 5:30 and talked to him and woken him up from whatever stupor he was in and he still fell back asleep. So he was sleeping pretty deeply and it just pushed all of my buttons. He had no reason to be that deep into sleep unless he was using or recovering from using this weekend. I'm hoping it was the later but I don't know that for sure.
After that my night calmed down for, oh I don't know and hour. Munchkin and I got some food we played and cleaned up from when everyone was here on Sunday and then I put him to bed. About 8:00 I tried to call DH, he was at a meeting (not AA) with my dad, and I got his voice mail. So I snooped and listened to his message only to find out that he has been back to this house on the East side that he SWORE he would never go to again. I know, never listen to an addict.
And I'm pretty sure that's what pushed me over the edge. I can't go back there again. Today I need to muster up the courage to e-mail the lawyer my questions. When he was using before I was told by DHS that they could not keep DH from Munchkin simply for pot use. That it was not a reason to remove a child or keep them away. I need to find out if that is still true and if it is how I keep DH from being unsupervised with Munchkin on my own. I'm wondering if I could build it in to the divorce decree or if the judge has to be the one to require supervised visits and would a judge do that based on his past history alone or not. I will NOT let Munchkin be with him unsupervised, even if that means staying married to him.
Then we come to the money thing. I don't know if the massive sums of money that we owe my parents can be split upon divorce. They are technically "off the books" debt and the only way to account for them is to ask me or my mom. There isn't any note on my credit report that those sums were paid although I do still have the bills and I'm sure my mom has carbons of the checks she wrote to pay the bills.
Either way, yesterday was counselor day, today is lawyer day. If we make it to Saturday to see the counselor... great. If we don't... I guess I have the lawyer as my backup plan.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Day One
In an effort to fix my life and find some happiness I have to be accountable for some things. The only way to do that is to make a conscious effort to have some Al-anon in my life every day. To do that... I'm going to start writing.
This weekend... where do I start. Perhaps I need 3 posts for this. He left on Saturday night. Valentines day and I'm was alone at home while he was out getting high and trying to sell drugs. This all I found out this morning. I mean I knew he was using, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know he was selling until this morning.
So, my major problem of the day, how do I work the program when all I want to do is run in the other direction?
I feel so much like the program is telling me he has a disease, he needs help, take care of yourself, don't try to control him, etc. But no where does it tell me to run like hell!!
I hear of other people: My husband was drinking/using for a year when I was in the program. My husband is still drinking/using. What if I'm not ok with that? What if I don't care that he has a disease because he is an ugly awful person when he uses and I don't want to be around him. He's not violent, at least not right now. Which is a step above last time but I don't like who he is and I don't like who I am when he's like that.
On Saturday I handled it SOO much differently than before. He left and I didn't chase him down. I did try to call him a few times which was a futile attempt because he had already made up his mind to go out and nothing I said was going to get him to stop that.
But at 10:00 I locked the door, took the key, put my phone away and went to sleep. I called again at 6:30 the next morning. That is more than I would have done in the past but it still isn't making me happy. It makes me angry that I even have to do that. I hate the disease, but I'm also starting to hate the person too.
This weekend... where do I start. Perhaps I need 3 posts for this. He left on Saturday night. Valentines day and I'm was alone at home while he was out getting high and trying to sell drugs. This all I found out this morning. I mean I knew he was using, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know he was selling until this morning.
So, my major problem of the day, how do I work the program when all I want to do is run in the other direction?
I feel so much like the program is telling me he has a disease, he needs help, take care of yourself, don't try to control him, etc. But no where does it tell me to run like hell!!
I hear of other people: My husband was drinking/using for a year when I was in the program. My husband is still drinking/using. What if I'm not ok with that? What if I don't care that he has a disease because he is an ugly awful person when he uses and I don't want to be around him. He's not violent, at least not right now. Which is a step above last time but I don't like who he is and I don't like who I am when he's like that.
On Saturday I handled it SOO much differently than before. He left and I didn't chase him down. I did try to call him a few times which was a futile attempt because he had already made up his mind to go out and nothing I said was going to get him to stop that.
But at 10:00 I locked the door, took the key, put my phone away and went to sleep. I called again at 6:30 the next morning. That is more than I would have done in the past but it still isn't making me happy. It makes me angry that I even have to do that. I hate the disease, but I'm also starting to hate the person too.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Dating
First of all, for those of you concerned, it's only been one week... not two, and Munchkin has been sick so if I've been on a computer it has been working not blogging. (I know... not an excuse after all sleep is over rated right??) N-E-way... I'm fine... well in theory...
Ok, there's no transition... I'm just switching topics here. You all still with me? I went and saw a movie tonight with a couple of friends. It has been 5 weeks of busy season, 5 weeks of 55 hour weeks and 6 hours of sleep per night. I SOOO needed that movie.
But the movie, it got me thinking. I miss dating. Isn't that awful? Most married women talk about how they don't miss the is he going to call, the having to put on your best performance, etc. But I miss it. I miss the romance, the mystery, the whole thing. I find myself looking at guys now, wondering if he's single, what would he act like, etc.
This concerns me. I'm still not sure that I want anything other than DH but the mere fact that my mind is starting to wander makes me wonder if I'm even still in this relationship. I can't answer that right now, nor do I want to try. It hurts my brain.
"[...] At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: "Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with."
Today I am trying SOO hard to really listen to my higher power. To take the time to think about all of my options before I make decisions. We live in such a "drive thru" society that everyone around me seems to want me to just make a decision and move on with it. I can't, and won't do that because I know if I do I will always wonder, what if. I have to be ready to jump and I have to have the strength to know that I am making the best decision that I can with the information I have at the moment.
If I leave, I never want to look back and wonder what if. I want to know that I did all I could and that I was ready to walk away. Today, I can't make that call, tomorrow is another day.....
Ok, there's no transition... I'm just switching topics here. You all still with me? I went and saw a movie tonight with a couple of friends. It has been 5 weeks of busy season, 5 weeks of 55 hour weeks and 6 hours of sleep per night. I SOOO needed that movie.
But the movie, it got me thinking. I miss dating. Isn't that awful? Most married women talk about how they don't miss the is he going to call, the having to put on your best performance, etc. But I miss it. I miss the romance, the mystery, the whole thing. I find myself looking at guys now, wondering if he's single, what would he act like, etc.
This concerns me. I'm still not sure that I want anything other than DH but the mere fact that my mind is starting to wander makes me wonder if I'm even still in this relationship. I can't answer that right now, nor do I want to try. It hurts my brain.
"[...] At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: "Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self-doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with."
- Courage to Change
Today I am trying SOO hard to really listen to my higher power. To take the time to think about all of my options before I make decisions. We live in such a "drive thru" society that everyone around me seems to want me to just make a decision and move on with it. I can't, and won't do that because I know if I do I will always wonder, what if. I have to be ready to jump and I have to have the strength to know that I am making the best decision that I can with the information I have at the moment.
If I leave, I never want to look back and wonder what if. I want to know that I did all I could and that I was ready to walk away. Today, I can't make that call, tomorrow is another day.....
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Control
It is no secret to those who know me well that I like control. I like to be in control, not necessarily of everyone but myself and my husband mostly. It is strange that like so many other quirks in my life this element really doesn't radiate much beyond my inner circle.
When I go to a movie with friends I don't need to be in control of when we go, where we go (ok so I do have some popcorn preferences) or what we see. I just go with the flow. Same for shopping, eating out and mostly anything else that involves group decisions.
But when it comes to myself and DH it is an entirely different story. Let's start with me. I was anorexic in high school. (I will get to that story... I promise) According to everything I have read and all of the things the doctors told me anorexia is not so much about food as it is about control. The need to have something that you can control in your life.
I also don't drink. I have tried it a couple of times, it's not for me. I can't STAND the feeling of loosing control. Of not being 100% in control of my senses, my thoughts or my actions. Gives me the creepy crawlies.
The house, it is either really clean, or really messy. There is no in between. I like it really clean, but I'm not so great at keeping it that way. When I feel that I'm loosing control of the mess I get really stressed, really short with DH about it and then I just shut down. I ignore it entirely because it is not perfect and I don't feel there is any way to fix it.
With DH, the control issue stems from trying to get him to do what I want, say what I want, be what I want and failing miserably over and over again. Right now I am pretty sure he will never be what I want him to be. He is who he is. I just have to decide if who he is, just as he is, is the person I want to be with.
Ironically this is exactly the situation, rolls reversed, that caused me to break up with my boyfriend before DH. L wanted to be a pastor and he wanted me to change to be what he wanted from a pastor's wife. One day I looked at him and asked him if I never change, if I am always just the way I am could you marry me? He said no and we broke up. Seeing a pattern?
The reading for today in my Courage to Change book is all about control which is ironic to me because I just spent last night in a battle of wills with DH which I thought was all about him not respecting me and which I now realize was really about me not getting my way.
So this morning when I went to read my daily reading imagine my surprise to be smacked in the face with this one:
"[...]There is a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others. Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable --agrees with what I've said or takes my advice--than I know I've lost my focus."
So the first time I got out of bed to ask what he was doing on the couch (watching a show I'd already seen) and when he was coming to bed already was ok.
The 3rd time...
yeah...
not so much...
When I go to a movie with friends I don't need to be in control of when we go, where we go (ok so I do have some popcorn preferences) or what we see. I just go with the flow. Same for shopping, eating out and mostly anything else that involves group decisions.
But when it comes to myself and DH it is an entirely different story. Let's start with me. I was anorexic in high school. (I will get to that story... I promise) According to everything I have read and all of the things the doctors told me anorexia is not so much about food as it is about control. The need to have something that you can control in your life.
I also don't drink. I have tried it a couple of times, it's not for me. I can't STAND the feeling of loosing control. Of not being 100% in control of my senses, my thoughts or my actions. Gives me the creepy crawlies.
The house, it is either really clean, or really messy. There is no in between. I like it really clean, but I'm not so great at keeping it that way. When I feel that I'm loosing control of the mess I get really stressed, really short with DH about it and then I just shut down. I ignore it entirely because it is not perfect and I don't feel there is any way to fix it.
With DH, the control issue stems from trying to get him to do what I want, say what I want, be what I want and failing miserably over and over again. Right now I am pretty sure he will never be what I want him to be. He is who he is. I just have to decide if who he is, just as he is, is the person I want to be with.
Ironically this is exactly the situation, rolls reversed, that caused me to break up with my boyfriend before DH. L wanted to be a pastor and he wanted me to change to be what he wanted from a pastor's wife. One day I looked at him and asked him if I never change, if I am always just the way I am could you marry me? He said no and we broke up. Seeing a pattern?
The reading for today in my Courage to Change book is all about control which is ironic to me because I just spent last night in a battle of wills with DH which I thought was all about him not respecting me and which I now realize was really about me not getting my way.
So this morning when I went to read my daily reading imagine my surprise to be smacked in the face with this one:
"[...]There is a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others. Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable --agrees with what I've said or takes my advice--than I know I've lost my focus."
So the first time I got out of bed to ask what he was doing on the couch (watching a show I'd already seen) and when he was coming to bed already was ok.
The 3rd time...
yeah...
not so much...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Perception
The more life I live the more I am becoming increasingly convinced that happiness is based almost entirely on a person's perception of their situation. If this were not the case than why could it be that someone in a third world country who has nothing can be 10 times happier than someone who lives in America and has everything??
Living with an alcoholic/addict is also a lot about perception. I choose how I view the situation that my life is in and for most of my life that view has not been so rosy. I received my first edition of The Forum today and on the front cover it says that this issue is about "Overcoming my inner emptiness." That spoke to me.
For 28 (ok... almost 29... but who's counting) years I have been grasping at straws. Trying to fill a void I wasn't even aware was there until now. From the outside I have and have always had everything to be thankful for and happy about. We were poor when I was little, but I never did without.
As we got older my parents got more successful and we did without less and less. Yet still I was trying to have things, do things, be things I was never capable of being. Something in me is missing, something that makes me seek out the wrong people, buy things for happiness (this one is almost gone), etc.
That is one of the biggest reasons that I am letting DH back into my life. I am broken. I am broken with or without him. Only when I am fixed will I know if the problems we have are because I am broken or because our marriage is broken. If I don't fix myself I will just go right back out and find another "winner." I have a hell of a track record already.
I have made a decision to read my literature every day and try to write here as often as I can. I am telling my story on May 19th and I want to be able to tell it to the best of my ability.
Living with an alcoholic/addict is also a lot about perception. I choose how I view the situation that my life is in and for most of my life that view has not been so rosy. I received my first edition of The Forum today and on the front cover it says that this issue is about "Overcoming my inner emptiness." That spoke to me.
For 28 (ok... almost 29... but who's counting) years I have been grasping at straws. Trying to fill a void I wasn't even aware was there until now. From the outside I have and have always had everything to be thankful for and happy about. We were poor when I was little, but I never did without.
As we got older my parents got more successful and we did without less and less. Yet still I was trying to have things, do things, be things I was never capable of being. Something in me is missing, something that makes me seek out the wrong people, buy things for happiness (this one is almost gone), etc.
That is one of the biggest reasons that I am letting DH back into my life. I am broken. I am broken with or without him. Only when I am fixed will I know if the problems we have are because I am broken or because our marriage is broken. If I don't fix myself I will just go right back out and find another "winner." I have a hell of a track record already.
I have made a decision to read my literature every day and try to write here as often as I can. I am telling my story on May 19th and I want to be able to tell it to the best of my ability.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Why Didn't You Come to My Birthday Party?
Last year we had a big get together for Munchkin's birthday and FIL didn't come. He said he couldn't come because MIL was going to be there. Even though they got divorced in May of 2004 and he got married again in September of 2006 he apparently has yet to let go.
The step-sisters, however, all showed up with bells on. The party was huge and MIL didn't feel uncomfortable because her family was there as well as FIL's family. This year I decided to scale it back. I only invited Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, aunts and a few friends. I sent out 15 invitations. 4 of them were to FIL, and three of the four Step sisters (the other one lives with FIL, another story for another day).
None of them showed up. No phone calls, no sorry we can't make it. Just didn't show up. Nor did they call later to say sorry we missed it. One week later FIL has yet to call and acknowledge that he even missed a party.
Last year I was hurt. I put something about it on the family blog and I was run through the ringer by one of the Step-SIL's who had found the blog. It was not pretty and ended in FIL telling me he wanted nothing to do with my blog and he never wanted to have anything about him posted there again.
I obliged. But he doesn't know this blog exhists and this is my safe space and I just want to say once and for all that I'm pissed off about the whole thing. I think he is a giant self centered ass for missing not one, but two of his grand son's birthday parties. I think he needs to grow the F&^K up and get over it all ready. He has been divorced for almost 5 years.
There you go, I've said my piece. Next year that is 4 less invitations on my list. Anyone want some cupcakes?? We have lots of left overs seeing as how we were about 11 people short!!
The step-sisters, however, all showed up with bells on. The party was huge and MIL didn't feel uncomfortable because her family was there as well as FIL's family. This year I decided to scale it back. I only invited Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, aunts and a few friends. I sent out 15 invitations. 4 of them were to FIL, and three of the four Step sisters (the other one lives with FIL, another story for another day).
None of them showed up. No phone calls, no sorry we can't make it. Just didn't show up. Nor did they call later to say sorry we missed it. One week later FIL has yet to call and acknowledge that he even missed a party.
Last year I was hurt. I put something about it on the family blog and I was run through the ringer by one of the Step-SIL's who had found the blog. It was not pretty and ended in FIL telling me he wanted nothing to do with my blog and he never wanted to have anything about him posted there again.
I obliged. But he doesn't know this blog exhists and this is my safe space and I just want to say once and for all that I'm pissed off about the whole thing. I think he is a giant self centered ass for missing not one, but two of his grand son's birthday parties. I think he needs to grow the F&^K up and get over it all ready. He has been divorced for almost 5 years.
There you go, I've said my piece. Next year that is 4 less invitations on my list. Anyone want some cupcakes?? We have lots of left overs seeing as how we were about 11 people short!!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Relapse
That is a word heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon and AA. 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone, at any stage of the game. If you get complacent the disease will come back to bite you.
Why did I think we were any different? Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? For DH the magic number was 19 months. He made it 19 months sober but somewhere between there and 20 months the bottom fell out.
On DH's 19 month sobriety date his father was arrested. He had been driving without a license because he did not complete a court ordered program for a DUI three years earlier. He had pot and pot paraphernalia on him. I firmly believe that DH is 100% responsible for the choices he makes but I also don't believe that this helped him.
I remember talking to him after his dad was arrested. Talking about relapse, worrying about relapse. All of that did me no good, it happened any way. Within a month he had turned to pot. At first just once in awhile. He hid it well, but the more he got into it the more he started changing. No ambition, wanting to sleep, not wanting to help me, getting more and more ugly as far as angry cussing etc.
I knew something was up, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept asking a friend of mine if he seemed different. If she'd noticed anything. At first I just thought he wasn't taking his medicine regularly. I have been trying not to mother him but I started reminding him. Take it, take it, take it. Nothing seemed to be making him better.
The mood swings were getting worse, the not wanting to help around the house, wanting to sleep a lot. For a while I thought maybe he was depressed. Perhaps he needed counseling, a new medicine, something.
I remember about a month ago getting in an argument and him telling me that he just wasn't happy. He hadn't been happy and he was tired of it. It was then that the flash backs started coming. We had NOT had a conversation like that since before when he was using. I knew something was up but I couldn't prove it. Why I didn't drug test him then, I will never know.
I just kept thinking it can't be meth again. He's not violent, he's not awake for long periods of time, he's not impossible to wake up, he's home every night, he's not stealing money. I have to be imaging it. Then the Sunday before Christmas he left. He was moody and short with me again and as I was taking Munchkin up to get him ready for bed he called me a name under his breath. I was tired of it. So sure that I was just married to the biggest asshole on the planet so I stomped down the stairs and told him if he was going to talk to me like that he could just leave.
Then I went upstairs and promptly dissolved into a puddle of tears. It was all just getting SOO much worse and I didn't know what to do. At this point, I felt trapped. Like I couldn't get out because he was sober and what would people think. How ungrateful when I told him sober was enough, only this person, if he was sober, was NOT enough.
As I was trying to compose myself and read to Munchkin I heard him go outside. I heard the truck start and I heard him drive out of the driveway and at that moment I didn't care. Never in the whole time he had been home had he left and before when he left I chased him down, called him a million times and this time I just let him go.
About 10 - 15 minutes later I did call him. Not to beg him to come home, as before, but simply to ask him what his plan was. He was short with me and hung up on me. I didn't call back. About 45 minutes later he called and asked if he could come home. All I could say was it's your home too. Why I didn't drug test him then, I'll never know.
Things continued to unravel during the holidays. He would get off work early and instead of going to work with his dad or finding a side job he would just come home and sleep on the couch. The Tuesday before Christmas I was supposed to go to a meeting and he told me he had to work late. On Sunday we were with his dad for Christmas, an entirely different nightmare there that I will go into later, and his dad was going to give DH a check and mentioned that they worked until 6:00 on Tuesday. 6:00 when he clearly told me it was much later.
Then last Monday I got the credit card bill and discovered a charge on there for almost $75 dollars to one of the phone sex lines and I knew. I knew something was up. He had not done that since before when he was using.
I was so embarrassed I didn't want to tell ANYONE. What would they think of me, my husband calling that smutty line and talking to some whore. Finally I confided in an Al-anon friend and she didn't' judge me so I told another friend. I started to finally come to terms with the fact that his choices were his choices. I did NOT make them so I didn't need to be embarrassed by them. They are not a reflection on me, they are a reflection on him.
By that point I knew something was up, I just didn't have the evidence to prove it. As I was screaming at him on Monday night I threatened to get a drug test but I never did. Maybe because I knew I didn't need it. He would slip up... and he did.
On New Years night we got home at 12:30 and he wanted to stay on the couch to relax. He had been doing this more and more and I had become increasingly suspicious. As I was lying there getting ready to go to sleep I realized that I had forgotten to put the cheese in the refrigerator. I went downstairs and he was in the basement. He gave me some story about checking on the cat who was puking.
I knew it was a lie but at this point it was almost 1:00 in the morning and I was too tired to argue about it. He came to bed at 2:00 and claimed he couldn't sleep. The man I knew had never been up that late in the past year that he had been home and now this was twice in the past week. I knew something just wasn't adding up.
On New Year's day we were supposed to go over to my sponsor's house to watch a bowl game. On our way out the door I remembered that I hadn't fed that cats and while I was in the basement I just decided to check the cupboard down there.
We never made it to the bowl game. In the cupboard were three pipes and a bag with who knows what in it. I didn't look. Honestly, I didn't care. I put the pipes in the bag, took it upstairs, threw it in his face and told him I was taking Munchkin to my parents.
Of course he tried to deny it, saying it was old, except I check that cabinet several times after he got home. Then he tried to say he just found it in the garage... strike two, cleaned that too. Finally he came clean and said he was smoking pot again. That he had gotten it from a guy he did a side job for. A side job in the middle of November, right when his attitude started going down hill.
It all made sense now. He was moody and tired because of the pot. He had turned into a giant asshole because of it. All the pieces seemed to fit except for one. What the hell was I going to do?
I have been in Al-anon for over a year now and if I have learned anything it is the concept of one day at a time. I didn't have to know that day and I was ok with that. DH slept on our couch on Thursday night and on Friday morning I asked him to find somewhere else to stay for awhile.
I don't know what will happen now but I know that I can't have him doing drugs and living in our house so at least until he can pass one or more drug tests he will be staying else where and will NOT be unsupervised with Munchkin.
That's all I need to know right now. The only part of my fire plan that needs to happen. The rest we will take day by day. My decision today does not have to be my decision tomorrow and I'm ok with that.
Now, it's late, and I have to work VERY early tomorrow so I'll have to continue with the rest of the story later...
Why did I think we were any different? Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? For DH the magic number was 19 months. He made it 19 months sober but somewhere between there and 20 months the bottom fell out.
On DH's 19 month sobriety date his father was arrested. He had been driving without a license because he did not complete a court ordered program for a DUI three years earlier. He had pot and pot paraphernalia on him. I firmly believe that DH is 100% responsible for the choices he makes but I also don't believe that this helped him.
I remember talking to him after his dad was arrested. Talking about relapse, worrying about relapse. All of that did me no good, it happened any way. Within a month he had turned to pot. At first just once in awhile. He hid it well, but the more he got into it the more he started changing. No ambition, wanting to sleep, not wanting to help me, getting more and more ugly as far as angry cussing etc.
I knew something was up, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept asking a friend of mine if he seemed different. If she'd noticed anything. At first I just thought he wasn't taking his medicine regularly. I have been trying not to mother him but I started reminding him. Take it, take it, take it. Nothing seemed to be making him better.
The mood swings were getting worse, the not wanting to help around the house, wanting to sleep a lot. For a while I thought maybe he was depressed. Perhaps he needed counseling, a new medicine, something.
I remember about a month ago getting in an argument and him telling me that he just wasn't happy. He hadn't been happy and he was tired of it. It was then that the flash backs started coming. We had NOT had a conversation like that since before when he was using. I knew something was up but I couldn't prove it. Why I didn't drug test him then, I will never know.
I just kept thinking it can't be meth again. He's not violent, he's not awake for long periods of time, he's not impossible to wake up, he's home every night, he's not stealing money. I have to be imaging it. Then the Sunday before Christmas he left. He was moody and short with me again and as I was taking Munchkin up to get him ready for bed he called me a name under his breath. I was tired of it. So sure that I was just married to the biggest asshole on the planet so I stomped down the stairs and told him if he was going to talk to me like that he could just leave.
Then I went upstairs and promptly dissolved into a puddle of tears. It was all just getting SOO much worse and I didn't know what to do. At this point, I felt trapped. Like I couldn't get out because he was sober and what would people think. How ungrateful when I told him sober was enough, only this person, if he was sober, was NOT enough.
As I was trying to compose myself and read to Munchkin I heard him go outside. I heard the truck start and I heard him drive out of the driveway and at that moment I didn't care. Never in the whole time he had been home had he left and before when he left I chased him down, called him a million times and this time I just let him go.
About 10 - 15 minutes later I did call him. Not to beg him to come home, as before, but simply to ask him what his plan was. He was short with me and hung up on me. I didn't call back. About 45 minutes later he called and asked if he could come home. All I could say was it's your home too. Why I didn't drug test him then, I'll never know.
Things continued to unravel during the holidays. He would get off work early and instead of going to work with his dad or finding a side job he would just come home and sleep on the couch. The Tuesday before Christmas I was supposed to go to a meeting and he told me he had to work late. On Sunday we were with his dad for Christmas, an entirely different nightmare there that I will go into later, and his dad was going to give DH a check and mentioned that they worked until 6:00 on Tuesday. 6:00 when he clearly told me it was much later.
Then last Monday I got the credit card bill and discovered a charge on there for almost $75 dollars to one of the phone sex lines and I knew. I knew something was up. He had not done that since before when he was using.
I was so embarrassed I didn't want to tell ANYONE. What would they think of me, my husband calling that smutty line and talking to some whore. Finally I confided in an Al-anon friend and she didn't' judge me so I told another friend. I started to finally come to terms with the fact that his choices were his choices. I did NOT make them so I didn't need to be embarrassed by them. They are not a reflection on me, they are a reflection on him.
By that point I knew something was up, I just didn't have the evidence to prove it. As I was screaming at him on Monday night I threatened to get a drug test but I never did. Maybe because I knew I didn't need it. He would slip up... and he did.
On New Years night we got home at 12:30 and he wanted to stay on the couch to relax. He had been doing this more and more and I had become increasingly suspicious. As I was lying there getting ready to go to sleep I realized that I had forgotten to put the cheese in the refrigerator. I went downstairs and he was in the basement. He gave me some story about checking on the cat who was puking.
I knew it was a lie but at this point it was almost 1:00 in the morning and I was too tired to argue about it. He came to bed at 2:00 and claimed he couldn't sleep. The man I knew had never been up that late in the past year that he had been home and now this was twice in the past week. I knew something just wasn't adding up.
On New Year's day we were supposed to go over to my sponsor's house to watch a bowl game. On our way out the door I remembered that I hadn't fed that cats and while I was in the basement I just decided to check the cupboard down there.
We never made it to the bowl game. In the cupboard were three pipes and a bag with who knows what in it. I didn't look. Honestly, I didn't care. I put the pipes in the bag, took it upstairs, threw it in his face and told him I was taking Munchkin to my parents.
Of course he tried to deny it, saying it was old, except I check that cabinet several times after he got home. Then he tried to say he just found it in the garage... strike two, cleaned that too. Finally he came clean and said he was smoking pot again. That he had gotten it from a guy he did a side job for. A side job in the middle of November, right when his attitude started going down hill.
It all made sense now. He was moody and tired because of the pot. He had turned into a giant asshole because of it. All the pieces seemed to fit except for one. What the hell was I going to do?
I have been in Al-anon for over a year now and if I have learned anything it is the concept of one day at a time. I didn't have to know that day and I was ok with that. DH slept on our couch on Thursday night and on Friday morning I asked him to find somewhere else to stay for awhile.
I don't know what will happen now but I know that I can't have him doing drugs and living in our house so at least until he can pass one or more drug tests he will be staying else where and will NOT be unsupervised with Munchkin.
That's all I need to know right now. The only part of my fire plan that needs to happen. The rest we will take day by day. My decision today does not have to be my decision tomorrow and I'm ok with that.
Now, it's late, and I have to work VERY early tomorrow so I'll have to continue with the rest of the story later...
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