Can't Stay Gone
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Aaaaannnd.... I'm Back
As is so often the case with people in recovery and people suffering from any sort of life long affliction, every once and awhile you get this feeling of wonder. I wonder what would happen if I did it on my own?
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Frustration
This is the e-mail I sent to DHS and C&F tonight after I put Munchkin to bed.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Panic
It's happening again. I'm sitting at my desk working away and now all of the sudden I can't breathe. WTF?? There is no stress happening right now. I wasn't even thinking about anything and now it feels like my chest is going to explode. Who does this?? How is this normal??
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why?
I have been struggling for two days to find the time, energy, sanity, and most of all words to explain to you what this site does for me. I know that some of you are questioning how it could be good for my psyche to come here and rehash all of the things that happened to me in the past.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Crashing....
Everyone said it would happen. The divorce would be final and there would be a moment of sadness, regret or just let down. I didn't believe any of them. I was SOO glad to be rid of DH that I didn't think I would ever feel anything but elation.
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Clarification
As is usually the case when I tell a story from the past, sometimes what I'm saying makes perfect sense to me but to you, it might be confusing. Feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try to answer them as best I can. Sometimes I forget that you weren't there. You don't know all the details.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
IDM
I got a question today about IDM. I thought perhaps he deserved a post here, just to clarify a few things.
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Q&A
I was asked some questions over on my family site and a couple here that I have been meaning to answer but just haven't gotten to yet. So... here goes:
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Panic
I'm sitting at my desk working away when it hits me. My breath catches in my chest and suddenly I am very warm. My chest hurts. So bad that for a moment I wonder if I'm having a heart attack.
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Early Days
I'm going to Link to some of the posts I put up awhile ago about how DH and I first started out. I'm also going to go back and put some of the new ones in order. When I started this blog I tried to keep things in cronological order and it kind of got all jumbled up so I'm going to try to bring it back to the standard blog format I put up here.
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Haunted
This month has, by far been one of my worst in all of this. When I started telling my story back at the end of May I started digging up a lot of old demons. For the most part I was able to keep them under control by coming here. I was here, I was writing and when I was upset I would pour it out here.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
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