My Mommy
Hurting
A in the Summer
Taking on the Problems of the World
The Beginning of the Disease
Do As I Say....
Diary of a Sad Scared Teenager
Pinky Swear
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Let's Start at the Very Beginning....
Hi, my name is Me and I am a grateful member of Al-anon. I've heard people say the way they got grateful was they married an alcoholic. For me, I'm not so sure that is the case. He got me here... and for that I am grateful, but the real reason I am so grateful for this program is I truly believe that is saved my life.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
The Story
On Tuesday I told my story at an Al-anon meeting in my area. That is where I have been for the last month or so. Every bit of myself was poured into that speech and in the end, after speaking for 45 minutes I felt better about my life than I had in a long time.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Overly Sensitive?
This morning DH called. He called at 7:25 after I specifically told him to call between 6:45 - 7:15 but that's not the point I'm trying to make, just the my own annoyance.
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Middle of the Night...
I didn't call him but I did e-mail him at 3:48am after I couldn't go back to sleep.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
3:00 A.M.
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Aftermath....
Things are starting to get pretty awful here and I'm really struggling not to go over to DH's mom's house and just beat him down with a great big stick.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
