Trip to MO
The Wedding
Done?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
IDM
I got a question today about IDM. I thought perhaps he deserved a post here, just to clarify a few things.
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
How do you know for sure that IDM is miserable? If he is, do you guys still talk? Have you thought about reconnecting with him at all? I know he's married but sounds like he's the one that got away. Have you questioned him if he feels the same way about you?
First and foremost, I need to start by saying that my relation ship with IDM is odd. REALLY odd, and completely surface level. I have known him for years but I know almost nothing about him. I couldn't tell you what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he drinks coffee in the mornings, or even if he were given an onion would he bite into it like and apple or chuck it to the farthest regions of the earth.
He is a dream man for a reason. Because that's where he exists, in my dream world where I could escape the awful reality I was living in.
When I was in college, he worked late at night. In the down time I would call him on the phone. There was a few month stretch when I was in college where I knew his schedule and when to call him and we would talk for long stretches.
We would always joke about hooking up and me coming to see him or him coming to see me. In the end it was all just talk. It's always been just talk with us. At the time I was broken up with DH and probably just looking for something to fill the void. When DH and I got back together I stopped talking to IDM on the phone. He was married, nothing was going to come of me flirting with him so I went back to what was real in my life at the time.
But IDM and I never lost touch. He was one of the first people I called after all of this happened with DH to tell him I was getting a divorce. We talked for a long while about the problems in his marriage and how he wanted to leave her but just didn't think the time was right.
I reached out to IDM when all of this happened, even thinking perhaps he could come to my house. We could have some secret affair. Then all of the sudden it was like my eyes were opened. When I look at the big picture of the kind of guys I was reaching out to I have to look at the fact that he is married. If I was the one he was married to how would I feel about that?
I don't really know IDM's wife. I have met her a few times but meeting and knowing are two very different things. I was the wife once. And I thought everything was going alright and my husband was out there telling a woman something different. I don't want to be that woman. I deserve to be something better than that. His wife deserves my respect to not do that to her, whether her and him are unhappy or not.
So, I have to look at the fact that while IDM and I have some sort of connection, I need to find myself someone who better represents the values I want for myself.
Someone who would not look outside of his marriage for something he can't find in it. Who would instead either end the marriage or try to fix it.
What IDM and I always told each other was that when we were old and gray and our spouses had died or left us we would get rocking chairs and sit on a porch somewhere together. I think that is a good vision and something that I look forward to. :-)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Q&A
I was asked some questions over on my family site and a couple here that I have been meaning to answer but just haven't gotten to yet. So... here goes:
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Was the first time he ever laid a hand on you AFTER the wedding?
No. I haven't gotten to that part of the story yet but I'm getting there. DH was arrested once when I was in college for domestic, once right after we were married and then the last time a few months ago. The first incident was me flying across his parents kitchen and that was when I was in college.
Were the only aggressive times when he was on drugs? I wonder if he truly does remember or the drugs mess up his memory.
Yes. DH as a sober person is not violent. DH on drugs or coming down from drugs and trying to get his next fix is when he is violent. As for what he remembers, I can not speak to that. He claims that he remembers things but I think the way he remembers them and the way that they actually happened are two different things.
Was there ever a time when he wasn't on drugs... with or without violence?
The only time that I have been with DH where he has been sober was for a brief one or two month window after he first got out of treatment when he was 16 and for a year to a year and a half in 2007 - 2008. Other than that, whether I knew it or not, he was using something 90 - 95% of the time.
If all of this was going on, did you guys try to have a baby or was he a surprise? Or maybe things were truly good then... I'm just curious? Not that you would ever take it back I know, but sometimes people think children will fix things and I wonder if you were at that point?
The munchkin was most definitely NOT a surprise. He was a VERY, VERY planned baby. Took nine months of trying for us to have him and some low dose fertility meds. Why did we try to have a baby if things were bad? I can give you the standard excuse that I didn't know he was using or I didn't think things were as bad as they were (and I didn't for awhile) but mostly it was because I wanted a child. I thought I was at that point and I figured once we had him DH would grow up and want to be around for his son. I would never, ever change my son but he was not my most intelligent choice.
Was there ever any sexual abuse?
How do I put this delicately. No, that wasn't really the part that worked the best on him when he was obliterated. Nor was I all that interested in him when he was. He turned to phone sex lines when he was really bad and racked up hundreds of dollars of charges.
Did he ever take it out verbally or physically on your child?
The munchkin was never a direct victim of DH. However, when he was an infant I was holding him once when DH pushed me against a wall and when he was a toddler he got shoved out of the way when DH stormed passed him and obviously he was in the room when there were insults being slung or when the last incident happened. But none of it was directly at him.
How are things now? Is he staying sober? Has he been able to be a father to the Munchkin? Like actually be a father, not just genetics?
DH shows up to visits. It is a lot like leaving my child with a 14 year old babysitter. He isn't in any physical danger but I know that the best parenting decisions are not being made. He is sober but his program is questionable at best. He doesn't attend regular meetings that I can tell and so I wonder if the sober part will stay after everyone stops watching him like a hawk. For the Munchkin's sake I hope it does.
And his family members... How are they handling it with your son?
Ahhh... the family members. DH lives with his mom, so she sees him when DH does because she is the supervisor for visits. She treats the Munckin like her own little cabbage patch doll and tries to dress him up and show him off to her friends.
His dad has only seen the munchkin perhaps 10 times... MAX in the 2 1/2 years he has been alive so I'm not too terribly surprised that relationship is still the same. His dad's extended family would like to see him but they live and hour and a half away and DH can't take him since his parents are divorced and his mom is the only supervisor so that leaves me to take him and I just haven't done it. Probably should but just haven't.
*********************************
Throughout many of your posts I find that part of why you stayed was a fear of being alone. How can you expect yourself to fully heal if you don't embrace that and be alone?
This question is by FAR harder to answer. My relationship with M is complicated. I thought that I was ready to date. Thought that I had fully put all of the stuff with DH behind me and I was just ready to move on. And then I started talking to guys and I wasn't quite so sure.
So I tried to not talk to M a couple of times and he kept e-mailing me so I would e-mail him back. Then we started texting and then flirting and it was fun. He was NOTHING like DH and at the time I didn't think anything like my type either.
And as I'm typing this I know this is going to sound awful and shallow but I FULLY intended for M to be my rebound / one night stand guy. And I am SOOO not that person. But I just didn't really find him attractive so I thought heck, this will be fun and a way to get into dating again.
But it didn't really work that way..... and once I realized that was not what this was turning into and that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship it was too late. I had met this great guy who has put up with ALL of my freakouts and who has been for me, as one of my friends put it, and angel without wings.
He knew my whole story by the second date and I have continually thrown things at him since and none of it has phased him. Every freak out, every panic attack, every bump in the road he has been here for and I just can't see throwing that all away to test the waters alone.
So we took it slow. Partly for me, partly for him. I've been seeing him for three months and while I talk to him over text every day I only see him once a week. Now that the divorce is final, that will probably change.
So I guess the answer is, I don't know how I won't settle. I have been trying REALLY hard to make sure I talk to him any time something bothers me or I'm unhappy about anything. I'm trying really hard to make sure I listen to my inner voice and make sure I'm happy with everything and while the timing is not ideal he is and has been exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it.
So, I guess I will just have to see where things go from here. And try to make sure I stay real with myself so I never settle again.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Panic
I'm sitting at my desk working away when it hits me. My breath catches in my chest and suddenly I am very warm. My chest hurts. So bad that for a moment I wonder if I'm having a heart attack.
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better. I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....
I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.
I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....
No rhyme, no reason... welcome to my world....
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Early Days
I'm going to Link to some of the posts I put up awhile ago about how DH and I first started out. I'm also going to go back and put some of the new ones in order. When I started this blog I tried to keep things in cronological order and it kind of got all jumbled up so I'm going to try to bring it back to the standard blog format I put up here.
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Sorry for the confusion.... now you know what it is like to live inside my head. :-)
Loss of a Pet
10/05/1996
10/06/1996
10/07/1996
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down...
11/12/1996
Haunted
This month has, by far been one of my worst in all of this. When I started telling my story back at the end of May I started digging up a lot of old demons. For the most part I was able to keep them under control by coming here. I was here, I was writing and when I was upset I would pour it out here.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.
And it got bad.
.
.
.
Really bad....
.
.
.
Really quickly.
.
.
.
So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.
The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.
I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.
All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.
Soo....
Here I am....
.
.
.
Again.....
Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.
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