I told M about the BPD. I realize that I haven't been diagnosed but it was eating at me. On our very first date I told him I was crazy. I didn't have a name for it then but I knew something about the way my head worked was different than other people's so this was not really a surprise to him.
His only concern... you aren't going to go all Fatal Attraction on me are you?
You know... it's funny. I've never seen that movie but I'm pretty sure that I have the basic premise. And I can tell you right now, two years ago the answer might have been yes. I look back on what I did to try to keep DH around, chasing him in my car, tracking him down at friends houses, calling him 300 times per hour and I think to myself that shit is pretty F#$%'d up.
Luckily, now I can just laugh and tell him no. Won't be doing that. In fact the conversation we had was completely the opposite of that. I've learned one important thing thus far in this journey.
Nothing I say or do can make someone stay if they don't want to.
So I told him, flat out, if we get to a point where he asks me to leave. I will leave. I will walk away and not come back. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. He will know where to find me if he needs me.
He of course didn't believe me, figured there would have to be at least one. There is always one. That one last what happened.
But for me, someone who has been burned SOO badly and someone who spent so many years trying to keep someone around who just wanted to go I honestly don't think there would be.
Done is done in my book. All it ever got me with DH was more pain and more heartache trying to salvage something that one party didn't want.
The only part that worries me about this is I don't want to put up a wall and not let M in simply because I want to be able to walk away. I can't plan for the demise.... but I don't want it to hurt either.... yeah.... might be too late for the second one.....
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4 comments:
If you are planning a demise than there is sure to be one. Heart ache is terrible. You know that.
But the only thing worse is never letting yourself feel again because you are afraid of it.
-k
Yeah... far to late not to let him in. I tried not to. Believe me I did. But every time I told him something, thought I would push him away he is still there.
That's the part that scares the HELL out of me. Because now that he's in I don't ever want him to go away and I've only known him two months.
God this dating stuff is hard....
And one more piece of advise... Also don't worry about how far 'in' he is. You can't worry about getting hurt again, or that will be the cause of it.
From my dating experience after my divorce, I tried to put labels on EVERYTHING. I was 'seeing' this guy or 'dating' that guy or 'maybe just friends' with this one (not at the same time, I'm making myself sound like a (starts with a WH ends with ORE) :) it didn't work.
When I found the love of my life, within the first few months, kind of like you, he knew all the gory details of my past. At least the ones that mattered. He knew I was damaged goods and had baggage. I made sure of it. He also knew and understood that because of that, I just had to take things slow. Like you, it was very soon that I thought I had feelings for him, but I forced myself not to put a label on it. We were never at X point. The point of no return. He didn't let me do that. It did take me the longest to tell him I loved him than it did any of my past relationships but when I talk to other people, it could be considered pretty fast. Shortly after that we were married and we're now 2 kids deep!
Oh and another thing. Sorry. I keep thinking of things to add. A sister of a very close friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. I really think you should be diagnosed, because you don't sound near as severe as she is! From reading in both places you sound to me like someone that has a lot on their plate and their head is showing it!
In case she's a blogger, I'm going to call her J. When J's sister was pregnant, she referred to her future neice as hers. She even set up a little nursery in her house for baby to stay in, without the mom knowing. Before that when sister was getting married, J was the Maid of Honor. When they tried on dresses, J tried on bridal gowns and kept refering to it as 'her' wedding. When my friend found THE dress, J told her she couldn't buy it because that's the one SHE wanted to wear. J was single. J would randomly get depressed and stop getting her mail, hence stop paying her bills. Wasn't a money issue, J has a GREAT job. But she would just stop getting her mail to the point that the post office would start returning it. Then she would flip and focus on her looks and spend crazy amounts of money on a spontaneous new hair cut and color at an Aveda salon, buying tons of new expensive clothes, tanning until she looked like an umpa loompa. One time J went so far as to have plastic surgery--on a whim!!! Expensive teeth whitening when her teeth are already whiter than white. She cycles through stuff like that. She was diagnosed with BPD and is now on meds to straighten it out, that works when she's in the mood to take them!
It might really help you to talk to a professional or just someone who you can vent to who won't give you advice (sorry it's not me!) or judge you, just listen to what you have to say. But I don't think you're that extreme! (Unless there's something you're not telling us!)
Ok I'm done with my rant. Typing these things actually helps me and was extremely theraputic for me so I hope I didn't overstep!
Have a wonderful day and keep your head up!
L... thank you for your concern. I'm not bi-polar. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. I did a post on it back in May or June.
It is one step below Bi-polar actually. It is fully cureable and in fact most people that have it actually out grow it. For me, I'm thinking that since I was stuck in that situation for so long I never quite "matured" past it emotionally.
I can already see HUGE strides since May in getting past many of the symptoms and I fully believe that once I learn to trust again and live my life outside of my little "box" I will probably not even have to think twice about it in another year or so.
Thank you for your concern!! Let me know if you have any more questions!!
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