I was surfing the net this evening and I jumped on to Facebook to poke around. There in the corner is a friend suggestion. Facebook thinks you might know DH. You have 3 friends in common. Is there a way to suggest that Facebook kiss my big hairy ass?? Of course I know him and I in no way want to be his friend.
But... morbid curiosity couldn't keep me away so I popped over to his page and imagine my surprise to see pictures of the munchkin on his site. WTF?? There they were, him and the munchikin as if they were just one big happy family.
And at first, it was just a little twinge. Then more of a rage boiled up and before you know it I am crying big heavy wet tears while throwing laundry this way and that.
This morning, I got the news that a friend of mine lost her baby. Full term, I'm not sure of any of the details but she is a good person. An AWESOME mother and this happens to her. She doesn't get to keep her precious daughter and my ex who is for all intents and purposes a looser deadbeat gets to post pictures of his son on Facebook?? What the hell kind of world are we living in??
I just wanted to post on his wall... all caps... I want to scream it out into the world. He was abusive to his wife in front of his son. He LEFT us!! He ran away and left us alone to fend for ourselves so that he could go out and screw random women and get high. For weeks on end when The Munchkin was really little and completely this time.
He is NOT the model father. He is NOT the perfect dad that looks oh so cute in those pictures. Stop ooogling over my son people. He had NO hand in the adorable little boy he is becoming.
He
LEFT
US!!!
Yet then, somehow, I come back to my center. I know I am doing the right thing for my son. I know that anyone who knows the story, knows that what they see there is just a show. He sees him part of one day, I see him the other six and a half. When he is sad or hurt it is me that is there to pick him up.
When he cries out in the night, it is me he calls for. This much I know. And in another year when DH falls, because at this point I feel certain it will be a when not and if, it will be me that will be here to pick him up and show him how much he is loved by everyone else in his life.
But right now, I'm just angry. Why does doing the right thing have to feel so wrong? Why can't DH just sign the stupid divorce papers so that I can feel closure to that part of my life? Why does this journey have to feel like two steps forward and one hard fall on my ass backwards?
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Please Lord teach us to laugh again, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried.
I am a daughter, a sister, an ex-wife, a mother, and a person trying to make sense of the journey that got her to this place called recovery.
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Adding your 2 cents
If your life has been affected by alcoholsim or addiction and you feel like you have something you want to write here feel free to e-mail it to me at neverforgetwecried{at}yahoo{dot}com.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
The Players
Munchkin = My son
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
3 comments:
I have 1 for ya, my ex used the names we picked out for our kids to name his and the new wife's brood. It used to make me mad. Don't forget that he is the kids father, so as long as he's on the straight path he will act like the father and still has those fatherly rights like taking pics and showing him off to the world! Imo: unless he starts downing you or lying about it, what's the harm? Its still very fresh for you obviously since the D isn't final yet but one day the truly innocent things won't matter anymore and just your child's happiness will, with or without his daddy.
But as an avid follower- is there any reason he won't sign the papers? Is he just being an *ss or what? That's harsh!
Yes. You will have times of rage like this. I recently went through some conflict with S. and his new wife. And I found myself playing a constant argument in my head with him. What I WANTED to say. But somehow I was able to recognize that it wouldn't matter what proof I produced to show that he is a first class *ss - he would still see things through his lens (just as DH sees his fatherly role through his lens). Ultimately I wrote an e-mail that said, "This conflict is harmful for our kids" and offering to go to mediation or blended family therapy. He wrote and tried to bait me by saying, "What conflict are you referring to - name specifics?" - as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I responded, "I choose not to debate the manifestation of the conflict. My offer for mediation or blended family therapy stands." He responded with a diatribe about why I am the evil b*** from hell which is exactly what he had planned on responding all along, regardless of WHATEVER I had said - he just wanted it to be in retaliation for what I said so that he could somehow be justified. And I replied again..."I choose not to debate the conflict with you as our opinions differ significantly. My offer for mediation or blended family therapy is an open offer." And...ta-dah - he didn't respond and, most importantly, it stopped the argument in my head because I had chosen not to debate it with him. Uhm...I don't know if this is helpful at all to your situation or me just working on my own feelings. Sorry! Keep writing!
So, you are at the angry stage. That is normal... If I were you I would have hit this stage a LONG time AGO!
-k
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