This morning DH called. He called at 7:25 after I specifically told him to call between 6:45 - 7:15 but that's not the point I'm trying to make, just the my own annoyance.
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
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3 comments:
Don't let it get to you. A 2-year old doesn't understand love. To child, they know mommy and daddy and they know mommy does this and daddy does that, they don't know why your mommy or what you mean when you say I love you. Oh course we all still say it because emotions will be learned very very soon. The way I see it, when you teach colors you say 'is the ball blue?' Maybe dh is trying to get validation but the kid isn't being harmed by that. Kid I'm sure loves daddy at this point because kid doesn't understand why at this point daddy isn't there. Maybe that's a sign daddy realizes what he is missing out on and is jealous of your bond. Regardless you have bigger fish to fry than to listen to daddy and munchkins conversation and critique it.
Hi, GF. I'm afraid you're going to have to work on some internal ways to deal with this one and all of the other questionable things DH may say over the years. You have no control over what he says - he would never in a million years listen to why this statement concerns you - and you definitely don't want Munchkin to know your thoughts on what Daddy says - he will form his own thoughts about Daddy over the years. Your job is to be supportive of Munchkin's love for Daddy and to validate his sadness and anxiety over the things Dad my do while sending him the message, "I know you can handle this." Just remember what aspect of this you can control.
ALL THE TIME, my former husband says stuff that makes me go, "What in the world is he thinking? Why would you say that to a kid??" but I know I can't change any of that.
Remember you couldn't change Jake when you were married and living together - you won't be able to change him now.
What you can change is how you react to him.
You're doing great even though it may not feel like it at times!
Gotta say I agree with Jennifer you will need to figure out how to keep it from driving you nuts.
As for asking if you love me - I never said that to my kids or grandkids, however, my mother-in-law always asked the kids "Do you love me best?" talk about needing affirmation. This kids always would answer yes until about the age of 4 then when they started saying NO I'm mommy's girl or Daddy's girl then she changed her actions toward them....and I just learned to tell them that was sweet that you said you were Mommy's but you know you do not have to put people in "favorites" your heart is big enough to love bunches and bunches of people at the same time. Like I do all three of y'all and daddy.
Texas T
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