Video

I stumbled upon this video tonight and I just couldn't look away. It's not the sound so much as it is the story line. My heart stopped, my breath caught in my chest and there it was... various parts of my life, played out like a movie.

I put this video on the sidebar, because I don't want to loose it for awhile but I'm also posting it here because it's a bit bigger. She's not a well known star in the US but this song just hit a place for me.....

Censorship and Sh!t

So I made a mistake again today. Probably one of many. I posted something on my facebook status. A quote from Annie:

Will you sign!.... That's fine!..... The dotted line... Don't whine... You can't decline!... Just sign!... Sign!

At the time it crossed my mind that my SIL might read it. She is still my friend on facebook and I wasn't sure what she would think.

I should have known.

Even knowing all the hell he put me through, even knowing all the danger he put her nephew through, even witnessing some of the physical and mental abuse first hand she still, at the end of the day, sided with her brother. Or at least that's how it felt. Her comment:

Congrats! Hope everyone can be happy and still get along! Were happy for you both!

Happy for both of us?? Really, your asshole brother abandoned his family and you're happy for both of us? At the end of the day she doesn't have any more balls or ability to pick sides and stand up for what is right than her brother does.

And to add icing to my proverbial cake five minutes later her best friend got on and left this gem:

Congrats! 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Your not alone!

And so I'm torn. In a perfect world we would all be able to get along but as my friend so eloquently pointed out to me tonight when I called her to ask about this, this is not a perfect world. I have to be all or nothing because everything that I say, every mention I have of M, every time I am not with the Munchkin because I am out doing something else is going to be one more thing that one of them can take and try to use to make my life a living hell.

I have this blog. Thank GOD I have this blog but I also have my family blog. The place I started and the place I wanted to go back to when all of dust settled and now I'm not sure I can. They know that place. They have the blog address and the only thing to do would be to move it and start over. I don't want to do that.

So, regrettably I took down the status update on facebook. And whenever he signs the papers, which for the person who asked, yes he is just stalling because he is an ass.... I will unfriend everyone from DH's family. I don't know how else to do it. I want them to be in my life but I also need my space. I need to be able to be myself and not have them looking over my shoulder and judging me.

Why does this seriously have to be this hard? I am NOT into censorship. I want to be able to be open and honest with my life. I want to be able to just be happy and have them leave me alone. Is that too much to ask??

Angry

I was surfing the net this evening and I jumped on to Facebook to poke around. There in the corner is a friend suggestion. Facebook thinks you might know DH. You have 3 friends in common. Is there a way to suggest that Facebook kiss my big hairy ass?? Of course I know him and I in no way want to be his friend.

But... morbid curiosity couldn't keep me away so I popped over to his page and imagine my surprise to see pictures of the munchkin on his site. WTF?? There they were, him and the munchikin as if they were just one big happy family.

And at first, it was just a little twinge. Then more of a rage boiled up and before you know it I am crying big heavy wet tears while throwing laundry this way and that.

This morning, I got the news that a friend of mine lost her baby. Full term, I'm not sure of any of the details but she is a good person. An AWESOME mother and this happens to her. She doesn't get to keep her precious daughter and my ex who is for all intents and purposes a looser deadbeat gets to post pictures of his son on Facebook?? What the hell kind of world are we living in??

I just wanted to post on his wall... all caps... I want to scream it out into the world. He was abusive to his wife in front of his son. He LEFT us!! He ran away and left us alone to fend for ourselves so that he could go out and screw random women and get high. For weeks on end when The Munchkin was really little and completely this time.

He is NOT the model father. He is NOT the perfect dad that looks oh so cute in those pictures. Stop ooogling over my son people. He had NO hand in the adorable little boy he is becoming.

He

LEFT

US!!!

Yet then, somehow, I come back to my center. I know I am doing the right thing for my son. I know that anyone who knows the story, knows that what they see there is just a show. He sees him part of one day, I see him the other six and a half. When he is sad or hurt it is me that is there to pick him up.

When he cries out in the night, it is me he calls for. This much I know. And in another year when DH falls, because at this point I feel certain it will be a when not and if, it will be me that will be here to pick him up and show him how much he is loved by everyone else in his life.

But right now, I'm just angry. Why does doing the right thing have to feel so wrong? Why can't DH just sign the stupid divorce papers so that I can feel closure to that part of my life? Why does this journey have to feel like two steps forward and one hard fall on my ass backwards?

Letting Go and Walking Away

I told M about the BPD. I realize that I haven't been diagnosed but it was eating at me. On our very first date I told him I was crazy. I didn't have a name for it then but I knew something about the way my head worked was different than other people's so this was not really a surprise to him.

His only concern... you aren't going to go all Fatal Attraction on me are you?

You know... it's funny. I've never seen that movie but I'm pretty sure that I have the basic premise. And I can tell you right now, two years ago the answer might have been yes. I look back on what I did to try to keep DH around, chasing him in my car, tracking him down at friends houses, calling him 300 times per hour and I think to myself that shit is pretty F#$%'d up.

Luckily, now I can just laugh and tell him no. Won't be doing that. In fact the conversation we had was completely the opposite of that. I've learned one important thing thus far in this journey.

Nothing I say or do can make someone stay if they don't want to.

So I told him, flat out, if we get to a point where he asks me to leave. I will leave. I will walk away and not come back. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. He will know where to find me if he needs me.

He of course didn't believe me, figured there would have to be at least one. There is always one. That one last what happened.

But for me, someone who has been burned SOO badly and someone who spent so many years trying to keep someone around who just wanted to go I honestly don't think there would be.

Done is done in my book. All it ever got me with DH was more pain and more heartache trying to salvage something that one party didn't want.

The only part that worries me about this is I don't want to put up a wall and not let M in simply because I want to be able to walk away. I can't plan for the demise.... but I don't want it to hurt either.... yeah.... might be too late for the second one.....

Love or Not?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about DH's and my relationship lately.

For awhile I was sure that I loved him.

Then I was sure I never loved him.

There was a period that I thought perhaps I loved him but just wasn't "in love" with him any more.

Now, I just don't know.

How can it be that hard to know if you love someone or not? How am I ever going to know if I love someone new if I can't even figure this out?

Earlier this week I was back to the I know I loved him once. And somewhere, I think that might have been true. Back when we were both teenagers before all of the anger and the hurt feelings, and bad memories. Way back when, I think I did love him.

But now, the way I feel about him is VERY hard to describe. I talked to him this morning. I loathe talking to him. I loathe seeing him. It makes my skin crawl. Yet, I can't imagine him dating anyone else. And that part is REALLY hard for me to understand.

I certainly don't want him. So the only thing I can figure out is that part of me, somewhere is still so angry at him that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be alone and miserable so he will understand what it felt like to be me for all of those years.

And I realize that's not healthy. Which is why I'm writing about it here. But there it is. My self diagnosis. I want him to get it... and I'm wasting my energy. Because I don't think he ever will.

I'm Back

Missy Higgins - New Music - More Music Videos

I was sitting in a restaurant today and this song came on the radio. I think that at some point, early on in my recovery someone shared this with me but it had sort of gotten lost among all of the other pieces. Then suddenly there it was again and there I was again, right back in that place, sitting in the middle of the restaurant, fighting back tears.

For me, that was the defining moment that told me I needed to be back here.... QUICKLY. Within 2 hours I was back in a deep dark place again struggling to keep my head above water. It was like it all came flooding back.

Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that I never loved him. That the past 12 years was something I was going to just sweep under the rug as a bad decision. I was wrong. I spent 12 years of my life defining who I was by who he was. I still don't know if I loved him, but I needed him. I won't put all the lyrics out here but I will put the chorus, the one thing that makes me want to scream out to the heavens and pound my fists in anger. The one reason that I felt so certain that I needed to leave:

Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

Because him and I together were toxic. Whether we loved each other or not didn't matter. I now know that I can't define myself by someone else. I need to figure out who I am and what I am so that when I decide I am in love with another man it will be because I love him... not because I need him.

Why Do I Go Back?

I know sometimes people question my continued need for Al-anon and are confused as to why I keep attending since DH is gone. I have been thinking about it and I thought I would share this with you so that maybe it would help you understand.

************************************************

From my Courage to Change Al-anon book:

Newcommers are often surprised at the number of years longtime members have been attending Al-anon meetings. They may be even more surprised that some of us have sobriety in our homes, or no longer have any alcoholics in our lives. Why do we keep coming back? For many of us the answer is "serenity."

Sometimes I get impatient, or rebellious, or bored. I go through periods where I see little change in myself, and I begin to doubt. But even after many years of Al-Anon recovery, if I miss too many meetings, things seem to become unmanageable all over again. I have been affected by someone else 's drinking. I don't want to underestimate the lasting impact that alcoholism has had on me. So I keep coming back.

I came to Al-anon for a quick fix for my pain, but I stay because of the consistency, security, and friendship I fine each day. Because of my commitment to my own growth, I am able to handle very difficult situations with a great deal of peace, and the delight in my life continues to exceed my wildest dreams.

Today 's Reminder

I see my recovery as a healthy way of life that I can gladly share with others. Today I am actively pursuing a better life because I am working on myself.

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So really, I go because it took me 12 years to get to this place and it might take me 12 years to emerge on the other side. If anyone thinks that my recovery happened when DH moved out they are wrong.

If you were to come to a meeting with me you would see that I don't talk about DH there. I talk about my inability to trust men, my insecurities with certain aspects of my life, etc. All things that may, or may not have existed before DH, but were certainly made worse by 12 years in a bad situation.

I think anyone who gets out of a relationship, friendship, or parent/child relationship with someone with alcoholism is sadly mistaken if they think the baggage goes away. It doesn't. You can only shove it down so far, but if you look, it is still there waiting for you. I go so I can make it go away forever. So when I look down that deep dark hole it is empty not filled with pain.

Still to this day I can not look at a picture of the Munchkin from the first 9 weeks of his life without a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because when I look at them I don't see the memory I see the, DH was missing, DH was off doing this, etc. I want that to stop.

I also still have flashbacks, had one today which is what started me thinking about writing this post. They are fewer and farther between but they are just as real, just as scary and just as much of a reminder of how far I still have to go.

Secondly, I go because now that I am starting to come out on the other side of all of the pain and confusion I am able to help people.

To show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I have been there, I've been to hell and back and you can get to the other side.

Without longtime people sticking around who would help those who are new to the program? The long time AA people are the ones who help the newcomers, and it is the same in Al-anon.

I said it when I gave my life story and I will say it again here. Al-anon saved my life.

Bump in the Road

My sister was in an accident. My healing must take a back seat right now to hers. When she is well I will return here and continue writing. I just wanted you to know where I have gone.