Day 24

So, yesterday... yeah.. BAD!! I was struggling ALL day with all of this divorce stuff. When I said it out loud it was just a word. When the lawyer sent me the first draft of the Divorce Decree there was a part of me that immediately wanted to run away and hide.

There are so many people who never understand why a woman would stay in a bad relationship and I can tell you from experience this is part of the reason. That feeling I got yesterday that told me this is too hard, you can't do this. Run back to what you are comfortable with. I don't have the fear of him hurting me, like others do, but I have the fear of the unknown. The debilitating, panic attack inducing, fear of making the wrong choice.

I know my sponsor wants me to let go, let God have him but I just can't. I'm TRYING!! I'm trying REALLY hard but I'm not sure I'm having much luck. The one thing I am succeeding in though, is opening my eyes. Really seeing what he is not what I want him to be. Last night I talked to him on the phone, went over a few things that would be in the decree, etc and I really found myself thinking maybe he's getting it. Maybe this is different, maybe he'll go to meetings, etc.

Then I looked on-line, I know my sponsor also doesn't want me to do this, but believe it keeps me real and it keeps me strong. It doesn't lie about what he's been doing. When I talk to him he lies, and I tend to want to believe him. When he tells me he's not calling those people any more and he's trying to get better I WANT to believe him. When I get on-line and I see all the calls, I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. AND... today for the first time, I saw the calls, I knew what it was but I didn't call him to complain about it. It is now his life. He can lie to me all he wants but I know the truth.

Other than dealing with all of that yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked late and I to work early this morning so perhaps today I can get some work caught up and maybe for once not feel overwhelmed an behind.