So, yesterday... yeah.. BAD!! I was struggling ALL day with all of this divorce stuff. When I said it out loud it was just a word. When the lawyer sent me the first draft of the Divorce Decree there was a part of me that immediately wanted to run away and hide.
There are so many people who never understand why a woman would stay in a bad relationship and I can tell you from experience this is part of the reason. That feeling I got yesterday that told me this is too hard, you can't do this. Run back to what you are comfortable with. I don't have the fear of him hurting me, like others do, but I have the fear of the unknown. The debilitating, panic attack inducing, fear of making the wrong choice.
I know my sponsor wants me to let go, let God have him but I just can't. I'm TRYING!! I'm trying REALLY hard but I'm not sure I'm having much luck. The one thing I am succeeding in though, is opening my eyes. Really seeing what he is not what I want him to be. Last night I talked to him on the phone, went over a few things that would be in the decree, etc and I really found myself thinking maybe he's getting it. Maybe this is different, maybe he'll go to meetings, etc.
Then I looked on-line, I know my sponsor also doesn't want me to do this, but believe it keeps me real and it keeps me strong. It doesn't lie about what he's been doing. When I talk to him he lies, and I tend to want to believe him. When he tells me he's not calling those people any more and he's trying to get better I WANT to believe him. When I get on-line and I see all the calls, I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. AND... today for the first time, I saw the calls, I knew what it was but I didn't call him to complain about it. It is now his life. He can lie to me all he wants but I know the truth.
Other than dealing with all of that yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked late and I to work early this morning so perhaps today I can get some work caught up and maybe for once not feel overwhelmed an behind.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Day 23
Well, day 23 just went from bad to worse... in a quick like manner. I was supposed to sign the petition for dissolution on Monday but I put it off because I was supposed to have a counselor appointment yesterday afternoon and I couldn't see going to WDM two days in a row.
So yesterday morning I was debating on going and signing the paperwork or waiting a little while longer when I got on-line to look at DH's phone record. He didn't come over on Monday night because he was too tired and wanted to rest so I was just curious whether he stayed home or was on the phone all night.
When I looked I saw that he had three pretty lengthy phone calls to a 1-800 number and I was trying to figure out what the heck it was so I googled the number. Bank of America. WTF?? So I got on to his bank account and realized that he had taken out a personal loan in the amount of $2,500. How the HELL does he expect to pay that back when he can't even pay the bills he has now? I tell you it is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
So I called him and then I called the lawyer and told her what happened and decided that instead of waiting the 90 days to get divorced we should probably just do it now. After all, he has seen his son for 4 hours in the past 9 days AND now he's digging the debt hole. Before you know it he will just be shoveling the dirt into his hole too!!
Of course, I no sooner got done doing that then I get a text message from his mother that his step-grandpa is in the hospital having emergency surgery and he might not make it. Fan-flipping-tastic. Don't I look like the b*&%$ now?? But I continued. I went and signed the petition for dissolution yesterday afternoon because I didn't have many other options. And his Grandpa, he made it through surgery fine and is expected to make a full recovery.
So, after that, DHwas off work so he said he would stop by at 6:00 to see Munchkin. At 6:15 I called him and he told me he had been called into work and "lost track" of time. My reaction, if it was a fishing trip you would have been damn sure you were on time. In fact you would have been 5 minutes EARLY!!
This morning I got on-line to look at the phone records again. Our month is up on the 28th and he has already racked up 829 of the 1400 minutes we share. He was on the phone pretty much all day yesterday. At one point he called one of the numbers 4 times in one minute until the guy answered.
I'm sad and I'm scared for him. He is going to end up in jail or dead if he continues down this path. And I feel so powerless. There is nothing I can do but watch the train wreck and hope that the aftermath will not be too terrible.....
So yesterday morning I was debating on going and signing the paperwork or waiting a little while longer when I got on-line to look at DH's phone record. He didn't come over on Monday night because he was too tired and wanted to rest so I was just curious whether he stayed home or was on the phone all night.
When I looked I saw that he had three pretty lengthy phone calls to a 1-800 number and I was trying to figure out what the heck it was so I googled the number. Bank of America. WTF?? So I got on to his bank account and realized that he had taken out a personal loan in the amount of $2,500. How the HELL does he expect to pay that back when he can't even pay the bills he has now? I tell you it is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
So I called him and then I called the lawyer and told her what happened and decided that instead of waiting the 90 days to get divorced we should probably just do it now. After all, he has seen his son for 4 hours in the past 9 days AND now he's digging the debt hole. Before you know it he will just be shoveling the dirt into his hole too!!
Of course, I no sooner got done doing that then I get a text message from his mother that his step-grandpa is in the hospital having emergency surgery and he might not make it. Fan-flipping-tastic. Don't I look like the b*&%$ now?? But I continued. I went and signed the petition for dissolution yesterday afternoon because I didn't have many other options. And his Grandpa, he made it through surgery fine and is expected to make a full recovery.
So, after that, DHwas off work so he said he would stop by at 6:00 to see Munchkin. At 6:15 I called him and he told me he had been called into work and "lost track" of time. My reaction, if it was a fishing trip you would have been damn sure you were on time. In fact you would have been 5 minutes EARLY!!
This morning I got on-line to look at the phone records again. Our month is up on the 28th and he has already racked up 829 of the 1400 minutes we share. He was on the phone pretty much all day yesterday. At one point he called one of the numbers 4 times in one minute until the guy answered.
I'm sad and I'm scared for him. He is going to end up in jail or dead if he continues down this path. And I feel so powerless. There is nothing I can do but watch the train wreck and hope that the aftermath will not be too terrible.....
Monday, March 9, 2009
Days 13 - 22
Wow, what a week this has been. I'm not even sure where to begin to catch up but I want to get all of this down somehow so someday, when this all seems a distant memory and I'm fretting about the terrible two's or three's I can look back and think now that... that was something to get upset about... this is just a bump in the road!! :-)
Let's see, where I left off. On the 28th DH was supposed to come see Munchkin in the afternoon after I got off work. I picked Munchkin up about 12:30 brought him home for his nap and when he woke up I called DH. He, of course, started in with the excuses. He was doing things at the car wash, he was trying to get the apartment ready, etc.
All afternoon it was the same jazz, I'll be there in an hour, another hour, another hour. Finally, I'll be there tomorrow, I need to move some things into the apartment tonight. I have a guy from AA coming over to help me move.
Sunday, he called about 8:30. He said he was on his way over. When he arrived he mentioned something to me, kind of casually, about the fact that he was going to have to find a different place to live. His reason, that car wash was too much on the bad side of town. Bu!! Sh!t. We are miles away from there and he still went there from our house. Location means nothing and I knew that.
So finally he admitted that his cousin had gotten mad at him cuz he gave away a few free car washes and he had offered to pay for them but his cousin just said he had changed his mind and would rather make that area into an office. Again, a load of crap. Well, except for the free car wash part. I heard a message on his answering machine about that on Saturday and I questioned him about it and told him he better not be giving away free car washes because his cousin was doing him a favor by letting him live there. He, of course, denied even knowing who the message was from.
So, the fact remained, he had no place to stay and he sure as hell wasn't going to be on my couch for a month. So I got on Craig's List and ended up finding a place that is within 5 - 10 miles of our house. I figured that would take the, it's too far to travel, thing out of his list of excuses for why he couldn't come over.
After I found the apartment, we went and looked at it and then I found a few furniture items for him. I'm sure that I helped him a LOT more than I should have, but at that point I just wanted to do whatever it took to get him moved out and to start getting my life back.
Sunday night he went to look at the couch and then told me he was going to come sleep on mine but never showed up. I got a text from him about 4:30 the next morning asking if he could come and shower and get some clothes. I probably should have said no but I let him come.
Monday morning was the last time he saw Munchkin for 4 days. He saw him for about 15 minutes before work and then Monday night he was too busy moving. Every time I talked to him on Monday he was a complete ass to me. He would cuss and scream and at one point tried to tell me that he was loosing everything he had worked for, for 12 years and it was all my fault. Wait a minute... back that truck up. I told him the deal, he choose to continue to use and drink. He didn't like that answer and I believe I was called a few choice words before I was hung up on.
He showed up later that evening to get his things that I so lovingly packed up and put in our kitchen. He brought one of his druggie friends to move the dresser and the TV. I was less than impressed but they were in and out in under 30 minutes so at least that was a plus.
Tuesday I called him to ask a question and realized that he was home "sick." Damn, I hate it when I have a cold and can't go to work. So, I called the lawyer and asked her advice. I set an appointment for Friday to file a petition for dissolution. Tuesday night he was too sick and needed to stay home and sleep.
Wednesday night he was too busy moving. Which was fine because Munchkin went to my parents house so I could work late to make up for running around on Tuesday trying to get things for his apartment. (I know... I know... helping too much... but he is OUT) All told I would guess in the past week I spent close to a grand getting him out, but he's out and has all the things I'm willing to pay for.
Thursday he finally decided he was going to show up. He got here at 6:00 gave me the money we had agreed upon, but was severely short on the amount he needed to save to be able to pay his rent. Then about 6:35 he took a call from one of the drug houses and by 6:55 he was trying to leave. Munchkin said to him, no daddy... don't go back, yet he couldn't even stay for another 30 minutes until bed time.
When Munchkin said that to him he started to cry and then decided maybe he could stay for bath time, however 15 minutes later... nope, in fact he did need to go. He couldn't stay for 15 more minutes to put his son to bed.
When I looked on line the next day he made his first phone call two minutes after he pulled out of our driveway and his phone was lit up until 10:55 that night. I had been waffling about meeting with the lawyer. That pushed me over the edge. I met with her on Friday to have her get the petition for dissolution ready. It is the only way to insure that he can not run us into a bunch of debt before a divorce is final and also that he could not take off with Munchkin.
Friday is usually meeting night so Munchkin when to MIL's house. DH, of course told me he was tired from a long hard day and was just going to stay home and relax. His phone started ringing and 6:00 and didn't stop until Midnight. So much for sleeping huh?
Saturday was counselor day. He had his appointments in the morning, one to make up for last week and one for this week and I had mine somewhere in the middle. I talked with my counselor about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling and he gave me a book to read, which I have yet to pick up... dang it... which is supposed to help me with feeling more empowered and feeling like I have the right to ask for what I need. (Which I have HUGE problems doing with DH)
After the appointments DH had mentioned to me he wanted to get some movies and his Nintendo since there is nothing much on regular TV on the weekends. So I called him after I picked up Munchkin but of course he was "busy." He said he could probably come over in an hour but I told him I was going to lay down with Munchkin so it was either now or he would have to wait.
Looking back, I'm now well aware that he probably wanted to come when he was sleeping so he could just get his stuff and get out. After all... why spend time with your son when there are more important things to be doing. As it was, I called him at 3:30 when DH woke up and by 4:30 he was still no where to be found.
When I called to ask what the deal was all I was met with was attitude. I was being ridiculous, of course he didn't want to come over and deal with me, etc. I told him I could be upstairs, it was not about me it was about seeing his son. He finally showed up at 5:00. I headed for the stairs but he told me I didn't have to go upstairs. He was there all of 10 minutes when he started packing his things to leave and was met with "No daddy!! Don't go bye bye!!"
Which of course brought on the water works again, in him.. not munchkin. So he sat down on the floor and cried a little and held him, but 10 minutes later that was enough. He had to go... things to do. Oh so tired, needed to go home and relax. Of course on his way out he asks me about two folding chairs on our pack porch. Can he take them. What does a single guy need with two chairs? He of course gets defensive when I ask that and takes one chair and storms off. I know damn well that he is planning to have someone over to play video games and that's why it was so important to get the Nintendo and so very unimportant to see his son.
Sunday doesn't get much better. By 9:30 I had not heard from him and so I call. I told myself I wasn't going to but I DESPERATELY needed to get some work done and I needed someone to entertain Munchkin. He, of course, is sleeping. Having had another late night, I'm sure. The first thing I get from him is attitude. Followed by... more attitude.
By 10:00 I call back. He's not coming. I'm going to lunch at 11:00 anyway so he will just come after nap. Thanks a lot a$$hole!! As it turns out the weather is crap so we stay in and nap time comes at 12:00 instead of 1:00. I call him at 2:30 when Munchkin is up and amazingly enough he shows up at 3:00.
Then proceeds to take my two year old out in the cold to the garage so he can get his tools in order. In his small and meager defense Munchkin was dying to ride the mower and asked him so about 10 times so there was sort of a reason, but when it wouldn't start there was no reason to stay out there.
So, I went out, and of course I got more attitude. Finally they came out of the garage and played in the sandbox and Munchkin seemed to LOVE that!! After awhile they got cold and came in and there was a little playing inside. Munchkin wanted DH to eat with us so I asked him and he said he would. Then after I started cooking he mysteriously needed to leave. (I'm guessing after that text or phone call.) Of course Munchkin was upset but DH needed to go home and "relax."
Which brings us to today. I was supposed to go sign the paperwork today but I have a counselor meeting tomorrow so I'm just going to do it then. I still need to get some things together but I'm hoping that after this weekend we can just come to an agreement and get everything done quickly. Yesterday I asked him not to fight me on sole custody and he said he wouldn't. We will see if he sticks to his word.
Tonight, like every other night, he was tired and needed to stay home and "relax." Hell at this rate he should be the most relaxed person in the whole USA!!
Let's see, where I left off. On the 28th DH was supposed to come see Munchkin in the afternoon after I got off work. I picked Munchkin up about 12:30 brought him home for his nap and when he woke up I called DH. He, of course, started in with the excuses. He was doing things at the car wash, he was trying to get the apartment ready, etc.
All afternoon it was the same jazz, I'll be there in an hour, another hour, another hour. Finally, I'll be there tomorrow, I need to move some things into the apartment tonight. I have a guy from AA coming over to help me move.
Sunday, he called about 8:30. He said he was on his way over. When he arrived he mentioned something to me, kind of casually, about the fact that he was going to have to find a different place to live. His reason, that car wash was too much on the bad side of town. Bu!! Sh!t. We are miles away from there and he still went there from our house. Location means nothing and I knew that.
So finally he admitted that his cousin had gotten mad at him cuz he gave away a few free car washes and he had offered to pay for them but his cousin just said he had changed his mind and would rather make that area into an office. Again, a load of crap. Well, except for the free car wash part. I heard a message on his answering machine about that on Saturday and I questioned him about it and told him he better not be giving away free car washes because his cousin was doing him a favor by letting him live there. He, of course, denied even knowing who the message was from.
So, the fact remained, he had no place to stay and he sure as hell wasn't going to be on my couch for a month. So I got on Craig's List and ended up finding a place that is within 5 - 10 miles of our house. I figured that would take the, it's too far to travel, thing out of his list of excuses for why he couldn't come over.
After I found the apartment, we went and looked at it and then I found a few furniture items for him. I'm sure that I helped him a LOT more than I should have, but at that point I just wanted to do whatever it took to get him moved out and to start getting my life back.
Sunday night he went to look at the couch and then told me he was going to come sleep on mine but never showed up. I got a text from him about 4:30 the next morning asking if he could come and shower and get some clothes. I probably should have said no but I let him come.
Monday morning was the last time he saw Munchkin for 4 days. He saw him for about 15 minutes before work and then Monday night he was too busy moving. Every time I talked to him on Monday he was a complete ass to me. He would cuss and scream and at one point tried to tell me that he was loosing everything he had worked for, for 12 years and it was all my fault. Wait a minute... back that truck up. I told him the deal, he choose to continue to use and drink. He didn't like that answer and I believe I was called a few choice words before I was hung up on.
He showed up later that evening to get his things that I so lovingly packed up and put in our kitchen. He brought one of his druggie friends to move the dresser and the TV. I was less than impressed but they were in and out in under 30 minutes so at least that was a plus.
Tuesday I called him to ask a question and realized that he was home "sick." Damn, I hate it when I have a cold and can't go to work. So, I called the lawyer and asked her advice. I set an appointment for Friday to file a petition for dissolution. Tuesday night he was too sick and needed to stay home and sleep.
Wednesday night he was too busy moving. Which was fine because Munchkin went to my parents house so I could work late to make up for running around on Tuesday trying to get things for his apartment. (I know... I know... helping too much... but he is OUT) All told I would guess in the past week I spent close to a grand getting him out, but he's out and has all the things I'm willing to pay for.
Thursday he finally decided he was going to show up. He got here at 6:00 gave me the money we had agreed upon, but was severely short on the amount he needed to save to be able to pay his rent. Then about 6:35 he took a call from one of the drug houses and by 6:55 he was trying to leave. Munchkin said to him, no daddy... don't go back, yet he couldn't even stay for another 30 minutes until bed time.
When Munchkin said that to him he started to cry and then decided maybe he could stay for bath time, however 15 minutes later... nope, in fact he did need to go. He couldn't stay for 15 more minutes to put his son to bed.
When I looked on line the next day he made his first phone call two minutes after he pulled out of our driveway and his phone was lit up until 10:55 that night. I had been waffling about meeting with the lawyer. That pushed me over the edge. I met with her on Friday to have her get the petition for dissolution ready. It is the only way to insure that he can not run us into a bunch of debt before a divorce is final and also that he could not take off with Munchkin.
Friday is usually meeting night so Munchkin when to MIL's house. DH, of course told me he was tired from a long hard day and was just going to stay home and relax. His phone started ringing and 6:00 and didn't stop until Midnight. So much for sleeping huh?
Saturday was counselor day. He had his appointments in the morning, one to make up for last week and one for this week and I had mine somewhere in the middle. I talked with my counselor about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling and he gave me a book to read, which I have yet to pick up... dang it... which is supposed to help me with feeling more empowered and feeling like I have the right to ask for what I need. (Which I have HUGE problems doing with DH)
After the appointments DH had mentioned to me he wanted to get some movies and his Nintendo since there is nothing much on regular TV on the weekends. So I called him after I picked up Munchkin but of course he was "busy." He said he could probably come over in an hour but I told him I was going to lay down with Munchkin so it was either now or he would have to wait.
Looking back, I'm now well aware that he probably wanted to come when he was sleeping so he could just get his stuff and get out. After all... why spend time with your son when there are more important things to be doing. As it was, I called him at 3:30 when DH woke up and by 4:30 he was still no where to be found.
When I called to ask what the deal was all I was met with was attitude. I was being ridiculous, of course he didn't want to come over and deal with me, etc. I told him I could be upstairs, it was not about me it was about seeing his son. He finally showed up at 5:00. I headed for the stairs but he told me I didn't have to go upstairs. He was there all of 10 minutes when he started packing his things to leave and was met with "No daddy!! Don't go bye bye!!"
Which of course brought on the water works again, in him.. not munchkin. So he sat down on the floor and cried a little and held him, but 10 minutes later that was enough. He had to go... things to do. Oh so tired, needed to go home and relax. Of course on his way out he asks me about two folding chairs on our pack porch. Can he take them. What does a single guy need with two chairs? He of course gets defensive when I ask that and takes one chair and storms off. I know damn well that he is planning to have someone over to play video games and that's why it was so important to get the Nintendo and so very unimportant to see his son.
Sunday doesn't get much better. By 9:30 I had not heard from him and so I call. I told myself I wasn't going to but I DESPERATELY needed to get some work done and I needed someone to entertain Munchkin. He, of course, is sleeping. Having had another late night, I'm sure. The first thing I get from him is attitude. Followed by... more attitude.
By 10:00 I call back. He's not coming. I'm going to lunch at 11:00 anyway so he will just come after nap. Thanks a lot a$$hole!! As it turns out the weather is crap so we stay in and nap time comes at 12:00 instead of 1:00. I call him at 2:30 when Munchkin is up and amazingly enough he shows up at 3:00.
Then proceeds to take my two year old out in the cold to the garage so he can get his tools in order. In his small and meager defense Munchkin was dying to ride the mower and asked him so about 10 times so there was sort of a reason, but when it wouldn't start there was no reason to stay out there.
So, I went out, and of course I got more attitude. Finally they came out of the garage and played in the sandbox and Munchkin seemed to LOVE that!! After awhile they got cold and came in and there was a little playing inside. Munchkin wanted DH to eat with us so I asked him and he said he would. Then after I started cooking he mysteriously needed to leave. (I'm guessing after that text or phone call.) Of course Munchkin was upset but DH needed to go home and "relax."
Which brings us to today. I was supposed to go sign the paperwork today but I have a counselor meeting tomorrow so I'm just going to do it then. I still need to get some things together but I'm hoping that after this weekend we can just come to an agreement and get everything done quickly. Yesterday I asked him not to fight me on sole custody and he said he wouldn't. We will see if he sticks to his word.
Tonight, like every other night, he was tired and needed to stay home and "relax." Hell at this rate he should be the most relaxed person in the whole USA!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Surviving...
I'm sorry that it went quiet around here. DH had a free apartment, then he screwed up the free apartment, then had to find an apartment that costs money, then had to find stuff for this apartment, etc, etc, etc.
Wash... rinse and repeat.
Last night I packed his stuff up so he could come and get it and not be there too long. He was an ass to me ALL day yesterday.
So... I have a LOT swirling around that I need to write about, I just need a bit of time to process it all. Right now I'm pretty numb to everything and I know that at some point it is going to catch up with me.
Wash... rinse and repeat.
Last night I packed his stuff up so he could come and get it and not be there too long. He was an ass to me ALL day yesterday.
So... I have a LOT swirling around that I need to write about, I just need a bit of time to process it all. Right now I'm pretty numb to everything and I know that at some point it is going to catch up with me.
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