Feelings

Brace yourself, I've got A LOT running through my head right now so this could be a long one.

I went and saw a movie tonight with some friends and it really got me thinking about a lot of things. It brought up a lot of "stuffed" feelings that I'm sure the creators of the movie never even intended. The movie we saw was The Secret Life of Bees and I would highly recommend it. Unless of course you are me and you have 10 years worth of pent up emotions just dying to get out. Then… maybe not so much.

So about that, this movie made me cry. If you have known me for any length of time you would know that this, in and of its self is AMAZING. Two weeks ago we saw Nights in Rodanthe and I cried at that movie too. Before that, it had been probably a good 5 years since I have cried in public. At anything. I could watch sad movies, talk about sad things, even go to funerals. Nothing. No tears. Both of my Grandmother's died in this time frame and the only tears I cried were during the actual funeral when everyone else was crying.

Someone asked me why I would come to this blog and write about all of these things that cause me pain. Why not just focus on the positive things in my life and move on. The reason is, because I can't. Because when I do that I end up going to a movie and then breaking down the minute I get into my car and bawling hysterically the whole way home.



Alcoholism [Addiction] has contributed to many dashed hopes, broken dreams, and considerable pain in my life. I do not wish to dwell on these feelings, but neither do I wish to turn my back on them. Al-Anon is helping me to face even the most unpleasant aspects of my past. […] I am able to feel the pain and mourn the losses, and then move on.

These feelings are a deep part of me; when they come knocking at the door of my awareness, I wish to open it and let them in […] only through this can I become whole and at peace.

-- Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II



For me, I have spent so many years "stuffing" my feelings down I have essentially forgotten how to feel. There was a line in this movie that said sometimes people don't feel so that they can live. That was my life. It wasn't always that way. In the beginning I used to cry at a lot of things. He would call me a name or we would get in a fight and the emotions would come out. But over time you sort of become numb to all of it. The first time you are called a B!tch it really hurts but by the 50th time you just sort of take it all in stride.

Alcoholics / Addicts also tend to use those emotions to show that you are weaker than them. I remember several times breaking down crying and instead of getting sympathy or compassion from him I got ridicule. Stop being a baby. What are you crying for? After a little while of this, you just train yourself to stop crying. To hold it in and don’t' show any weakness. You train yourself how not to feel.



When I came to Al-Anon I didn’t' feel. […] When we had a child, I said, "No big deal, it's just another day. Nothing moved me at all. It was like being dead.

My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them through years of living with alcoholism [addiction] and denying every hint of anger, joy or sorrow. As I began to recover, I began to feel, and it was very confusing. For awhile I thought I might be getting sicker than ever because the feelings were so uncomfortable, but my Al-Anon friends assured me this was just part of the process.


-- Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II



Now that I am starting to heal things are all starting to come back to me. Feelings that I thought I had stuffed so far down that they would never escape are suddenly coming flooding to the surface when I hear lines like why am I so unlovable? I spent a large portion of my time thinking that all of this was happening because DH didn't love me enough. That I had done something to make all of this happen and if I could just make him love me again he would want to stay home with me, want to be with our son.

None of that is true. He did drugs because he is an addict. Not because I was unlovable. When he would drink/do drugs he would get angry and violent. The dad in this movie is also that way and watching him go into fits of rage brought be spiraling back to that place in my life. Towards the end of the movie the little girl has a realization. She finally understands that her dad didn't hurt her because he didn't love her. He hurt her because he was hurting and he was lashing out at whomever was closest.

Somewhere deep inside I am slowly digging through all of those stuffed memories and repressed sadness, anger and joy. Slowly, I am learning to feel again.