My Mommy
Hurting
A in the Summer
Taking on the Problems of the World
The Beginning of the Disease
Do As I Say....
Diary of a Sad Scared Teenager
Pinky Swear
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Let's Start at the Very Beginning....
Hi, my name is Me and I am a grateful member of Al-anon. I've heard people say the way they got grateful was they married an alcoholic. For me, I'm not so sure that is the case. He got me here... and for that I am grateful, but the real reason I am so grateful for this program is I truly believe that is saved my life.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in small town. My parents have lived in the same house all of my life and have been married, I'm pretty sure since the beginning of time. As far as I know there was no alcoholism in my family. We had a liquor cabinet in my house that had the same liquor in it from the time I was around 5 until my parents renewed their wedding vows when I was 19.
For me, my desire to fix people and animals seemed to come from within and started at a a very early age. As long as I can remember I have always been the one to take the injured bird that the cat got and try to nurture it back to health. As soon as I was old enough, this “nurturing” seemed to spill over into my relationships.
My first relationship was in kindergarten. I “dated” him until we were in 6th grade. Sometime in the 6th grade someone convinced me that we weren't really together because he had never “asked me out” and so I pushed him. I told him he needed to ask me out and he told me no. I was DEVASTATED. I was convinced that I had thrown away my one true love.
After that I had a series of different relationships, including a couple that were long distance. Each time the scenario was the same. We would "date" for a few months after which time I was madly, deeply in love with the person and planning our wedding. Then it would end and I would be devastated and heartbroken.
I heard someone say a month ago that they stayed too long in relationships. I can completely understand that position. I CLUNG to relationships. The good but more often times the bad. Somewhere along the line I developed this idea that to be whole I had to be with someone. In fact the thought of being alone down right terrified me.
Beginning in the 10th grade was when I had my first truly dysfunctional relationship. This boy wanted to be a minister but it was very “do as I say not as I do” with him. He liked to tell dirty jokes but then make me swear not to tell anyone I heard them from him because he had a reputation to uphold. Within the first two months of our relationship there were major problems, I wrote in my journal that “We fight almost every day and I really don't like it but we love each other so we make it work out.” Looking back I think it was shortly after this that I started to resent him for making me keep his secret identity and for not just loving me for who I was.
Since I was unhappy with that relationship I also started to self destruct in other ways. I had a close friend that I spent most of my high school years trying to “save.” She had a bad home life and somehow I just gravitated towards her and we became inseparable. She is the one who taught me about eating disorders. She had one and I quickly discovered that if it made her feel better it might work for me too.
I felt so out of control of everything else in my life but this was the one thing I could control. At my lowest I was down to 102 lbs. That is when my mom finally took me to see an eating disorder doctor in big town. He diagnosed me and sent me to meetings and therapy. This was my first experience with “support group” meetings. Sitting in a room with 20 other girls all shaking our legs (because it burns extra calories) with my mother sitting right next to me. I didn't feel like I could open up with her in the room so instead of using the meetings for what I needed them for I just clammed up.
Along with the meetings there were also counseling appointments. This is where I learned that if you tell the truth bad things can happen. I told this woman the truth about how much I was really eating and how I really felt about my life and she told my mother that she wanted to admit me into the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. For me the focus was on control and if she put me in the hospital I would loose all of that control. So, I quickly learned to just lie about it and pretend things were fine. I lied to her, I lied to my mother and eventually they both just thought perhaps I was making it all up and I was free to go about my business, not eating and wearing baggy clothes to cover up how small I was.
Around this same time I also learned to lie to my boyfriend to keep him around longer. As I mentioned he wanted to be a pastor. And as such, he had this perfect vision in his head of what a pastor's wife should be. A lot of things that I wasn't. He never asked me to change who I was but I knew if I didn't he wouldn't be with me. So I became a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings and become what I thought I needed to be. Finally, I think he started seeing that I wasn't really who I was trying to pretend to be and our relationship ended.
I went through that summer feeling the most healthy both mentally and physically that I had ever been but in actuality my self worth was wrapped up in what men thought of me. There were a couple of guys that showed interest in me that summer and that was, I believe, why I felt so good about myself.
The Story
On Tuesday I told my story at an Al-anon meeting in my area. That is where I have been for the last month or so. Every bit of myself was poured into that speech and in the end, after speaking for 45 minutes I felt better about my life than I had in a long time.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
There is LOTS of stuff going on with DH right now that I will have to fill you in on but suffice it to say that even as a sober person he is still and A$$. (Had you any doubts?)
I'm going to try to put the story up here in pieces. Like I said, it was 45 minutes which equals about 10 pages of single spaced type so it's a bit lengthy. There are parts of the story that I had to cut out because my sponsor thought they would be too graphic for the audience or might cause some of them to have flashbacks. She also thought some of it could be cut in the interest of time.
Since all I have is time around here, I will be putting the whole thing up here. With all the details. I really hope that it doesn't cause anyone to have flash backs. In fact I'm really hoping that someone who needs it might read it and realize that they are not alone. That someone else has been in their position and that person survived and so could they.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Overly Sensitive?
This morning DH called. He called at 7:25 after I specifically told him to call between 6:45 - 7:15 but that's not the point I'm trying to make, just the my own annoyance.
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
We were on our way to daycare so I called him back when we got there. Today he did not promise the Munchkin anything (yesterday he promised him donuts and a ride in his boat... WTF??) but when we were getting off the phone he says
I Love you Munchkin
Yeah.
Do you love Daddy?
There are no words to describe the feeling that gives me. It is like a fingernails on a chalkboard feeling. I feel SOO much like he is fishing for validation from our two year old. Like he needs to hear him say I love you. Why should Munchkin have to say it unless he feels it and wants to say it? I tell him a million times a day that I love him and I NEVER ask him if he loves me. I know he does... I can see it in his face, in his actions. He is my son, I don't need him to validate my love or me.
So, am I over reacting? Do you ask your kids if they love you? He did this a couple of times when he was still living with us and it bothered me just as much then as it does now so it has nothing to do with him not living with us. I just don't like it.
Thoughts?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Middle of the Night...
I didn't call him but I did e-mail him at 3:48am after I couldn't go back to sleep.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
It's three in the morning... I can't sleep. I just finished consoling the Munchkin who woke up panicked and screaming My Daddy. My Daddy.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to go 4 days without calling your child.
It is UNACCEPTABLE to tell him you are not in timeout any more because now he thinks that you are out but you just don't WANT to see him.
DH I am trying to make it possible for you to be part of his life again but there is only so much heartache that I am willing to watch him go through before I start making choices to keep you from hurting him ever again.
I don't care how busy you are, you can ALWAYS make 5 minutes to call and see how he is.
I don't have many more chances left to give you. It breaks my heart to see him go through this and eventually it will be him deciding he doesn't want you in his life because it hurts too much when you don't call or don't show up. There is NOTHING more important than your son and you need to find the time to make sure he knows that.
I'm really torn when it comes to this. A lot of people just say to leave him alone and let him do his thing but I don't know if that is what is best for Munchkin or just what is best for me. DHS is going to put him back in his life, this much they have told me so am I making it worse by sitting back and not letting him call and letting Munchkin suffer? If I can make this easier for him I want to do it. This is not a situation where he can just disappear. He will be accountable to DHS and the courts and so therefore he will be around for at least a little while.
I just want to make this easier for Munchkin so he doesn't get hurt any more but I'm not quite sure how the best way is to do that. Both DHS and the C&F ladies will be over on Wednesday. I intend to go over all of this with them and try to see what ideas they have. If they think this is still in the best interest of my son than they need to figure out how to make it so he stops getting so hurt.
3:00 A.M.
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
MY DADDY!!
MY DADDY!!
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
How much pain do I have to put my two year old through for the benefit of DHS and the court system before they realize that even sober he is not that great of a dad....
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Aftermath....
Things are starting to get pretty awful here and I'm really struggling not to go over to DH's mom's house and just beat him down with a great big stick.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
The Munchkin has stopped talking to him on the phone. DH will call and the Munchkin will say he doesn't want to talk to him. So DH stopped calling. WTF?? The Munchkin is two. He may not talk on the phone but he knows that he called. He knows that daddy is still there even if I don't want to talk to him right now he will call back... except when he doesn't, like now.
Thursday night he called and the Munchkin didn't want to talk to him. He has not called back since. It is now Monday that's 3 1/2 almost 4 days which is a LONG time to a two year old. Consequently he has now developed an abandonment fear. Anytime I left his site yesterday he would yell for me in a panicked voice. "MOMMY!!"
"Don't leave without me!!"
"Don't leave me..."
This morning he didn't want to leave me to go to daycare. I had to wrestle him to get his shoes on and then when we got there he just clung to me and SCREAMED. It was heartbreaking. I realize that part of it is his age but I also know that part of it is because of DH.
I'm so angry right now I just want him to go away and leave us alone. Sure, Munchkin will cry for awhile but he will get over it. What happens if DHS puts DH back in his life in another month and then he does this all over again in another 3 months? How much do I have to torture my child?
I think I'm going to leave early and go get him today. We were together all weekend but I can't help but think after a morning like that he needs a little mommy time. Or maybe I just need a little Munchkin time.
Monday, April 20, 2009
News on the Home Front
Ok, this is going to be long. Get your coffee or your tea or whatever it is that you drink and settle in for a long ride. You might want to get yourself into some comfy pants because this could take awhile.
Here goes nothing.....
Well I sort of stopped as abruptly as I began with the one day at a time posts so I'm going to try to fill in the last month as best as I can. The 12th was my last post, and for good reason. That night DH was "working late" and couldn't come over. The 13th he was supposed to come over before work but refused to come because he was "tired." That is, of course, until the Munchkin threw the fit of all fits in the morning.
He wouldn't get out of his crib. Just cried and begged for daddy. So I broke down. I called him about 6:15 and I lost it. I told him I couldn't do this, I couldn't listen to our son cry for his daddy and he needed to start showing the f$%^ up. So he came. In hindsight this was a bad move on my call. But what is that saying... hindsight is 20/20??
So he came, and the Munchkin was THRILLED!! And then he left to go to work. Only he had to stop by his apartment first and then he had to drink coffee and go to the bathroom and spin around 5 times and jump up and down and pat his head and rub his tummy and who the hell else knows what because stopping, changing shoes and being ON TIME to work was apparently too difficult.
When he finally did make it to work they fired him. When he called me, it was my fault. He was fired because he was late and it was all my fault that he was late because he was over visiting the Munchkin. Of course it couldn't' have been the fact that he was late 5 - 10 times previously in the two weeks before that. Or the fact that he was not doing anything unless he was directly supervised. Or the fact that he was on his cell phone 24/7 (I called his boss). Nope it was all because I made him come and see his son.
He was hostile and irrational and threatening to go to his apartment and get his gun and go back and shoot everyone. Again... ding, ding, ding... warning signs that perhaps he was sinking farther down than I thought. But, I had seen this side of DH before when he was angry. I'd seen him act stupid and irrational sober so I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Eventually he calmed down, went back to his apartment and took a nap. Exactly what I would do if I had just been fired. Why look for another job when sleeping seems like such a grand option....
Next thing you know Saturday rolls around. He had a counseling appointment and then he called me to tell me how it went and to ask me to call him when the Munchkin got up so he could come over. I call him after nap time and he shows up about 2:45 with McDonald's. Because after one has been fired it makes perfect sense to eat out doesn't it??
It just went down hill from there. He was downstairs with the Munchkin when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.
I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.
Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset the Munchkin if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took the Munchkin away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.
Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point the Munchkin was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to the Munchkin and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.
Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was the Munchkin. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.
It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.
I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone. I locked the door behind him and I called 911. I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know the Munchkin was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.
After I hung up with them I called a friend of mine. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came. In hindsight probably better he didn't come, he might have killed DH.
After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.
My friend showed up first, then the police, then my parents. Pictures were taken, the story was told, the report was made. He was stopped about 5 miles away and taken into custody. Then began the job of picking up the pieces. The mess was easier to clean up than the rest.
I will never fully be able to tell you what it feels like to hear a two year old tell that story but I can tell you it was and is heart breaking. I have been in domestic situations before. This is not new to me. I have lied for him before. I truly believe the biggest reason that I can not and will not lie for him any more is because I heard that story told through the eyes of the most perfect creature I've ever met.
In his words... "Daddy was loud" (He put his hands over his ears), "Daddy breaked his glass," "Daddy spilled his water," "Daddy maked a mess... Gampa come and clean it up."
For two weeks I held him and promised him that what Daddy did was very naughty and he would be in time out for awhile and that I would never... EVER let this happen to him again. Five weeks later, I think he's starting to forget. I hope in another five weeks it is all just a fleeting memory.
As for me, this was actually one of the least scary of his attacks if you can believe that one. More devastating only in the fact that the Munchkin was a witness. What has been harder on me has been the after effects.
The last five weeks have been a roller coaster of phone calls from FIL, MIL & Grandmother-in-law (GMIL). It started off with the everyone goes through this. Don't think you are the first person to have this happen. Really... cuz I don't seem to remember my parents throwing things at each other's heads... perhaps I blocked that out....
Then it moved into the he is so miserable in there. We must bail him out. Oh wooo is him... poor DH. Then on to the charges are trumped up. He would NEVER hurt you or the Munchkin. He was just mad and he threw things. He didn't mean to hurt you.
Moving quickly into, you need to drop the charges... can't... sorry, not my charges.. the state's charges.
So on to, are you sure you are done with him? Can't he come back home? Can't you two make it work? Can't you be a family again?
Then back into, the charges are over blown, it didn't happen like you said, and my latest favorite, I would like to come over and have you walk me through everything that happened so that you can show me because I just can't believe if the Munchkin was at the bottom of the stairs he wouldn't have been cut.
Perhaps don't focus on what you can't believe happened, because it happened. I have pictures. Instead focus on how much force did he have to put behind that plastic glass for it to shatter a picture frame into a million pieces? How much force did he have to put behind that 10 - 15 lb laundry detergent container for it to go clear across the room and hit the wall and explode?
Why not just say that someone was watching out for the safety of my little boy and someone above was sending me a message. Get out now... he's capable of much worse.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm getting the F&^% out. I met with DHS tonight and I think this post is long enough in and of it's self so I will save that one for tomorrow. Let's just leave it at she is sufficiently PISSED OFF!! (Not at me... at him...)
Here goes nothing.....
Well I sort of stopped as abruptly as I began with the one day at a time posts so I'm going to try to fill in the last month as best as I can. The 12th was my last post, and for good reason. That night DH was "working late" and couldn't come over. The 13th he was supposed to come over before work but refused to come because he was "tired." That is, of course, until the Munchkin threw the fit of all fits in the morning.
He wouldn't get out of his crib. Just cried and begged for daddy. So I broke down. I called him about 6:15 and I lost it. I told him I couldn't do this, I couldn't listen to our son cry for his daddy and he needed to start showing the f$%^ up. So he came. In hindsight this was a bad move on my call. But what is that saying... hindsight is 20/20??
So he came, and the Munchkin was THRILLED!! And then he left to go to work. Only he had to stop by his apartment first and then he had to drink coffee and go to the bathroom and spin around 5 times and jump up and down and pat his head and rub his tummy and who the hell else knows what because stopping, changing shoes and being ON TIME to work was apparently too difficult.
When he finally did make it to work they fired him. When he called me, it was my fault. He was fired because he was late and it was all my fault that he was late because he was over visiting the Munchkin. Of course it couldn't' have been the fact that he was late 5 - 10 times previously in the two weeks before that. Or the fact that he was not doing anything unless he was directly supervised. Or the fact that he was on his cell phone 24/7 (I called his boss). Nope it was all because I made him come and see his son.
He was hostile and irrational and threatening to go to his apartment and get his gun and go back and shoot everyone. Again... ding, ding, ding... warning signs that perhaps he was sinking farther down than I thought. But, I had seen this side of DH before when he was angry. I'd seen him act stupid and irrational sober so I guess I just didn't put two and two together.
Eventually he calmed down, went back to his apartment and took a nap. Exactly what I would do if I had just been fired. Why look for another job when sleeping seems like such a grand option....
Next thing you know Saturday rolls around. He had a counseling appointment and then he called me to tell me how it went and to ask me to call him when the Munchkin got up so he could come over. I call him after nap time and he shows up about 2:45 with McDonald's. Because after one has been fired it makes perfect sense to eat out doesn't it??
It just went down hill from there. He was downstairs with the Munchkin when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.
I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.
Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset the Munchkin if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took the Munchkin away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.
Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point the Munchkin was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to the Munchkin and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.
Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was the Munchkin. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.
It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.
I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone. I locked the door behind him and I called 911. I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know the Munchkin was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.
After I hung up with them I called a friend of mine. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came. In hindsight probably better he didn't come, he might have killed DH.
After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.
My friend showed up first, then the police, then my parents. Pictures were taken, the story was told, the report was made. He was stopped about 5 miles away and taken into custody. Then began the job of picking up the pieces. The mess was easier to clean up than the rest.
I will never fully be able to tell you what it feels like to hear a two year old tell that story but I can tell you it was and is heart breaking. I have been in domestic situations before. This is not new to me. I have lied for him before. I truly believe the biggest reason that I can not and will not lie for him any more is because I heard that story told through the eyes of the most perfect creature I've ever met.
In his words... "Daddy was loud" (He put his hands over his ears), "Daddy breaked his glass," "Daddy spilled his water," "Daddy maked a mess... Gampa come and clean it up."
For two weeks I held him and promised him that what Daddy did was very naughty and he would be in time out for awhile and that I would never... EVER let this happen to him again. Five weeks later, I think he's starting to forget. I hope in another five weeks it is all just a fleeting memory.
As for me, this was actually one of the least scary of his attacks if you can believe that one. More devastating only in the fact that the Munchkin was a witness. What has been harder on me has been the after effects.
The last five weeks have been a roller coaster of phone calls from FIL, MIL & Grandmother-in-law (GMIL). It started off with the everyone goes through this. Don't think you are the first person to have this happen. Really... cuz I don't seem to remember my parents throwing things at each other's heads... perhaps I blocked that out....
Then it moved into the he is so miserable in there. We must bail him out. Oh wooo is him... poor DH. Then on to the charges are trumped up. He would NEVER hurt you or the Munchkin. He was just mad and he threw things. He didn't mean to hurt you.
Moving quickly into, you need to drop the charges... can't... sorry, not my charges.. the state's charges.
So on to, are you sure you are done with him? Can't he come back home? Can't you two make it work? Can't you be a family again?
Then back into, the charges are over blown, it didn't happen like you said, and my latest favorite, I would like to come over and have you walk me through everything that happened so that you can show me because I just can't believe if the Munchkin was at the bottom of the stairs he wouldn't have been cut.
Perhaps don't focus on what you can't believe happened, because it happened. I have pictures. Instead focus on how much force did he have to put behind that plastic glass for it to shatter a picture frame into a million pieces? How much force did he have to put behind that 10 - 15 lb laundry detergent container for it to go clear across the room and hit the wall and explode?
Why not just say that someone was watching out for the safety of my little boy and someone above was sending me a message. Get out now... he's capable of much worse.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm getting the F&^% out. I met with DHS tonight and I think this post is long enough in and of it's self so I will save that one for tomorrow. Let's just leave it at she is sufficiently PISSED OFF!! (Not at me... at him...)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Gratitude List
Today I was speaking with my sponsor about how pissed I am about the current goings on and she suggested, ok... let's be honest, she gave me homework, to make a gratitude list before tonight's meeting.
As per my usual self I procrastinated and it is now about 30 minutes before I need to pick up the munchkin and I'm just now doing. So here goes nothing.
1) I am grateful that the Munchkin and I are both in relatively good health
2) I am grateful that I was able to refinance the house in my name before all of this junk happened
3) I am grateful for all of my wonderful and supportive friends and family
4) I am grateful that overall the Munchkin seems relatively un-phased by all of the drama going on around him
5) I am grateful that I have a job that I love in this questionable economy
6) I am grateful that I had the piece of mind to try to get my debts structured in such a way that I could pay them on my own, before it came to the point where I did have to start paying them on my own
7) I am grateful that I have a bountiful supply of free babysitters in the evenings and weekends so that I don't completely loose my sanity
8) I am grateful that the Munchkin will be able to grow up so close to his grandparents
9) I am grateful that I am able to afford a few extras here and there
10) I am grateful for the Al-anon program, without it I am pretty sure I would not have ever had the strength
As per my usual self I procrastinated and it is now about 30 minutes before I need to pick up the munchkin and I'm just now doing. So here goes nothing.
1) I am grateful that the Munchkin and I are both in relatively good health
2) I am grateful that I was able to refinance the house in my name before all of this junk happened
3) I am grateful for all of my wonderful and supportive friends and family
4) I am grateful that overall the Munchkin seems relatively un-phased by all of the drama going on around him
5) I am grateful that I have a job that I love in this questionable economy
6) I am grateful that I had the piece of mind to try to get my debts structured in such a way that I could pay them on my own, before it came to the point where I did have to start paying them on my own
7) I am grateful that I have a bountiful supply of free babysitters in the evenings and weekends so that I don't completely loose my sanity
8) I am grateful that the Munchkin will be able to grow up so close to his grandparents
9) I am grateful that I am able to afford a few extras here and there
10) I am grateful for the Al-anon program, without it I am pretty sure I would not have ever had the strength
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Alive...
I just wanted to stop in for a brief moment to say that I'm alive. Things are really hectic with my job right now and I'm dealing with some pretty serious in-law issues in regards to DH's current housing situation. (In the county jail...)
For those of you who did not come here from the other blog but instead found your way entirely on your own... DH was arrested two and a half weeks ago for throwing some objects at my head and threatening to kill me. Minor really.. according to several members of his family.
Oh, did I mention that Munchkin was in the room and that in the process a picture was broken and glass was rained down upon the most adorably sweet little boy every created. But still... minor... no one was injured... he wouldn't really MEAN to hurt us.... he was just mad... and all that sh!t!! (**Please note the intense sarcasm in my tone....**)
Anyhow, I have to deal with the rest of my life right now but in two weeks I will be back here and hope to get TONS of writing done before I tell my story at an Al-anon meeting in a month and a half. In the mean time... I'm ok... just crazy busy!!
For those of you who did not come here from the other blog but instead found your way entirely on your own... DH was arrested two and a half weeks ago for throwing some objects at my head and threatening to kill me. Minor really.. according to several members of his family.
Oh, did I mention that Munchkin was in the room and that in the process a picture was broken and glass was rained down upon the most adorably sweet little boy every created. But still... minor... no one was injured... he wouldn't really MEAN to hurt us.... he was just mad... and all that sh!t!! (**Please note the intense sarcasm in my tone....**)
Anyhow, I have to deal with the rest of my life right now but in two weeks I will be back here and hope to get TONS of writing done before I tell my story at an Al-anon meeting in a month and a half. In the mean time... I'm ok... just crazy busy!!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Day 24
So, yesterday... yeah.. BAD!! I was struggling ALL day with all of this divorce stuff. When I said it out loud it was just a word. When the lawyer sent me the first draft of the Divorce Decree there was a part of me that immediately wanted to run away and hide.
There are so many people who never understand why a woman would stay in a bad relationship and I can tell you from experience this is part of the reason. That feeling I got yesterday that told me this is too hard, you can't do this. Run back to what you are comfortable with. I don't have the fear of him hurting me, like others do, but I have the fear of the unknown. The debilitating, panic attack inducing, fear of making the wrong choice.
I know my sponsor wants me to let go, let God have him but I just can't. I'm TRYING!! I'm trying REALLY hard but I'm not sure I'm having much luck. The one thing I am succeeding in though, is opening my eyes. Really seeing what he is not what I want him to be. Last night I talked to him on the phone, went over a few things that would be in the decree, etc and I really found myself thinking maybe he's getting it. Maybe this is different, maybe he'll go to meetings, etc.
Then I looked on-line, I know my sponsor also doesn't want me to do this, but believe it keeps me real and it keeps me strong. It doesn't lie about what he's been doing. When I talk to him he lies, and I tend to want to believe him. When he tells me he's not calling those people any more and he's trying to get better I WANT to believe him. When I get on-line and I see all the calls, I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. AND... today for the first time, I saw the calls, I knew what it was but I didn't call him to complain about it. It is now his life. He can lie to me all he wants but I know the truth.
Other than dealing with all of that yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked late and I to work early this morning so perhaps today I can get some work caught up and maybe for once not feel overwhelmed an behind.
There are so many people who never understand why a woman would stay in a bad relationship and I can tell you from experience this is part of the reason. That feeling I got yesterday that told me this is too hard, you can't do this. Run back to what you are comfortable with. I don't have the fear of him hurting me, like others do, but I have the fear of the unknown. The debilitating, panic attack inducing, fear of making the wrong choice.
I know my sponsor wants me to let go, let God have him but I just can't. I'm TRYING!! I'm trying REALLY hard but I'm not sure I'm having much luck. The one thing I am succeeding in though, is opening my eyes. Really seeing what he is not what I want him to be. Last night I talked to him on the phone, went over a few things that would be in the decree, etc and I really found myself thinking maybe he's getting it. Maybe this is different, maybe he'll go to meetings, etc.
Then I looked on-line, I know my sponsor also doesn't want me to do this, but believe it keeps me real and it keeps me strong. It doesn't lie about what he's been doing. When I talk to him he lies, and I tend to want to believe him. When he tells me he's not calling those people any more and he's trying to get better I WANT to believe him. When I get on-line and I see all the calls, I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. AND... today for the first time, I saw the calls, I knew what it was but I didn't call him to complain about it. It is now his life. He can lie to me all he wants but I know the truth.
Other than dealing with all of that yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked late and I to work early this morning so perhaps today I can get some work caught up and maybe for once not feel overwhelmed an behind.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Day 23
Well, day 23 just went from bad to worse... in a quick like manner. I was supposed to sign the petition for dissolution on Monday but I put it off because I was supposed to have a counselor appointment yesterday afternoon and I couldn't see going to WDM two days in a row.
So yesterday morning I was debating on going and signing the paperwork or waiting a little while longer when I got on-line to look at DH's phone record. He didn't come over on Monday night because he was too tired and wanted to rest so I was just curious whether he stayed home or was on the phone all night.
When I looked I saw that he had three pretty lengthy phone calls to a 1-800 number and I was trying to figure out what the heck it was so I googled the number. Bank of America. WTF?? So I got on to his bank account and realized that he had taken out a personal loan in the amount of $2,500. How the HELL does he expect to pay that back when he can't even pay the bills he has now? I tell you it is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
So I called him and then I called the lawyer and told her what happened and decided that instead of waiting the 90 days to get divorced we should probably just do it now. After all, he has seen his son for 4 hours in the past 9 days AND now he's digging the debt hole. Before you know it he will just be shoveling the dirt into his hole too!!
Of course, I no sooner got done doing that then I get a text message from his mother that his step-grandpa is in the hospital having emergency surgery and he might not make it. Fan-flipping-tastic. Don't I look like the b*&%$ now?? But I continued. I went and signed the petition for dissolution yesterday afternoon because I didn't have many other options. And his Grandpa, he made it through surgery fine and is expected to make a full recovery.
So, after that, DHwas off work so he said he would stop by at 6:00 to see Munchkin. At 6:15 I called him and he told me he had been called into work and "lost track" of time. My reaction, if it was a fishing trip you would have been damn sure you were on time. In fact you would have been 5 minutes EARLY!!
This morning I got on-line to look at the phone records again. Our month is up on the 28th and he has already racked up 829 of the 1400 minutes we share. He was on the phone pretty much all day yesterday. At one point he called one of the numbers 4 times in one minute until the guy answered.
I'm sad and I'm scared for him. He is going to end up in jail or dead if he continues down this path. And I feel so powerless. There is nothing I can do but watch the train wreck and hope that the aftermath will not be too terrible.....
So yesterday morning I was debating on going and signing the paperwork or waiting a little while longer when I got on-line to look at DH's phone record. He didn't come over on Monday night because he was too tired and wanted to rest so I was just curious whether he stayed home or was on the phone all night.
When I looked I saw that he had three pretty lengthy phone calls to a 1-800 number and I was trying to figure out what the heck it was so I googled the number. Bank of America. WTF?? So I got on to his bank account and realized that he had taken out a personal loan in the amount of $2,500. How the HELL does he expect to pay that back when he can't even pay the bills he has now? I tell you it is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
So I called him and then I called the lawyer and told her what happened and decided that instead of waiting the 90 days to get divorced we should probably just do it now. After all, he has seen his son for 4 hours in the past 9 days AND now he's digging the debt hole. Before you know it he will just be shoveling the dirt into his hole too!!
Of course, I no sooner got done doing that then I get a text message from his mother that his step-grandpa is in the hospital having emergency surgery and he might not make it. Fan-flipping-tastic. Don't I look like the b*&%$ now?? But I continued. I went and signed the petition for dissolution yesterday afternoon because I didn't have many other options. And his Grandpa, he made it through surgery fine and is expected to make a full recovery.
So, after that, DHwas off work so he said he would stop by at 6:00 to see Munchkin. At 6:15 I called him and he told me he had been called into work and "lost track" of time. My reaction, if it was a fishing trip you would have been damn sure you were on time. In fact you would have been 5 minutes EARLY!!
This morning I got on-line to look at the phone records again. Our month is up on the 28th and he has already racked up 829 of the 1400 minutes we share. He was on the phone pretty much all day yesterday. At one point he called one of the numbers 4 times in one minute until the guy answered.
I'm sad and I'm scared for him. He is going to end up in jail or dead if he continues down this path. And I feel so powerless. There is nothing I can do but watch the train wreck and hope that the aftermath will not be too terrible.....
Monday, March 9, 2009
Days 13 - 22
Wow, what a week this has been. I'm not even sure where to begin to catch up but I want to get all of this down somehow so someday, when this all seems a distant memory and I'm fretting about the terrible two's or three's I can look back and think now that... that was something to get upset about... this is just a bump in the road!! :-)
Let's see, where I left off. On the 28th DH was supposed to come see Munchkin in the afternoon after I got off work. I picked Munchkin up about 12:30 brought him home for his nap and when he woke up I called DH. He, of course, started in with the excuses. He was doing things at the car wash, he was trying to get the apartment ready, etc.
All afternoon it was the same jazz, I'll be there in an hour, another hour, another hour. Finally, I'll be there tomorrow, I need to move some things into the apartment tonight. I have a guy from AA coming over to help me move.
Sunday, he called about 8:30. He said he was on his way over. When he arrived he mentioned something to me, kind of casually, about the fact that he was going to have to find a different place to live. His reason, that car wash was too much on the bad side of town. Bu!! Sh!t. We are miles away from there and he still went there from our house. Location means nothing and I knew that.
So finally he admitted that his cousin had gotten mad at him cuz he gave away a few free car washes and he had offered to pay for them but his cousin just said he had changed his mind and would rather make that area into an office. Again, a load of crap. Well, except for the free car wash part. I heard a message on his answering machine about that on Saturday and I questioned him about it and told him he better not be giving away free car washes because his cousin was doing him a favor by letting him live there. He, of course, denied even knowing who the message was from.
So, the fact remained, he had no place to stay and he sure as hell wasn't going to be on my couch for a month. So I got on Craig's List and ended up finding a place that is within 5 - 10 miles of our house. I figured that would take the, it's too far to travel, thing out of his list of excuses for why he couldn't come over.
After I found the apartment, we went and looked at it and then I found a few furniture items for him. I'm sure that I helped him a LOT more than I should have, but at that point I just wanted to do whatever it took to get him moved out and to start getting my life back.
Sunday night he went to look at the couch and then told me he was going to come sleep on mine but never showed up. I got a text from him about 4:30 the next morning asking if he could come and shower and get some clothes. I probably should have said no but I let him come.
Monday morning was the last time he saw Munchkin for 4 days. He saw him for about 15 minutes before work and then Monday night he was too busy moving. Every time I talked to him on Monday he was a complete ass to me. He would cuss and scream and at one point tried to tell me that he was loosing everything he had worked for, for 12 years and it was all my fault. Wait a minute... back that truck up. I told him the deal, he choose to continue to use and drink. He didn't like that answer and I believe I was called a few choice words before I was hung up on.
He showed up later that evening to get his things that I so lovingly packed up and put in our kitchen. He brought one of his druggie friends to move the dresser and the TV. I was less than impressed but they were in and out in under 30 minutes so at least that was a plus.
Tuesday I called him to ask a question and realized that he was home "sick." Damn, I hate it when I have a cold and can't go to work. So, I called the lawyer and asked her advice. I set an appointment for Friday to file a petition for dissolution. Tuesday night he was too sick and needed to stay home and sleep.
Wednesday night he was too busy moving. Which was fine because Munchkin went to my parents house so I could work late to make up for running around on Tuesday trying to get things for his apartment. (I know... I know... helping too much... but he is OUT) All told I would guess in the past week I spent close to a grand getting him out, but he's out and has all the things I'm willing to pay for.
Thursday he finally decided he was going to show up. He got here at 6:00 gave me the money we had agreed upon, but was severely short on the amount he needed to save to be able to pay his rent. Then about 6:35 he took a call from one of the drug houses and by 6:55 he was trying to leave. Munchkin said to him, no daddy... don't go back, yet he couldn't even stay for another 30 minutes until bed time.
When Munchkin said that to him he started to cry and then decided maybe he could stay for bath time, however 15 minutes later... nope, in fact he did need to go. He couldn't stay for 15 more minutes to put his son to bed.
When I looked on line the next day he made his first phone call two minutes after he pulled out of our driveway and his phone was lit up until 10:55 that night. I had been waffling about meeting with the lawyer. That pushed me over the edge. I met with her on Friday to have her get the petition for dissolution ready. It is the only way to insure that he can not run us into a bunch of debt before a divorce is final and also that he could not take off with Munchkin.
Friday is usually meeting night so Munchkin when to MIL's house. DH, of course told me he was tired from a long hard day and was just going to stay home and relax. His phone started ringing and 6:00 and didn't stop until Midnight. So much for sleeping huh?
Saturday was counselor day. He had his appointments in the morning, one to make up for last week and one for this week and I had mine somewhere in the middle. I talked with my counselor about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling and he gave me a book to read, which I have yet to pick up... dang it... which is supposed to help me with feeling more empowered and feeling like I have the right to ask for what I need. (Which I have HUGE problems doing with DH)
After the appointments DH had mentioned to me he wanted to get some movies and his Nintendo since there is nothing much on regular TV on the weekends. So I called him after I picked up Munchkin but of course he was "busy." He said he could probably come over in an hour but I told him I was going to lay down with Munchkin so it was either now or he would have to wait.
Looking back, I'm now well aware that he probably wanted to come when he was sleeping so he could just get his stuff and get out. After all... why spend time with your son when there are more important things to be doing. As it was, I called him at 3:30 when DH woke up and by 4:30 he was still no where to be found.
When I called to ask what the deal was all I was met with was attitude. I was being ridiculous, of course he didn't want to come over and deal with me, etc. I told him I could be upstairs, it was not about me it was about seeing his son. He finally showed up at 5:00. I headed for the stairs but he told me I didn't have to go upstairs. He was there all of 10 minutes when he started packing his things to leave and was met with "No daddy!! Don't go bye bye!!"
Which of course brought on the water works again, in him.. not munchkin. So he sat down on the floor and cried a little and held him, but 10 minutes later that was enough. He had to go... things to do. Oh so tired, needed to go home and relax. Of course on his way out he asks me about two folding chairs on our pack porch. Can he take them. What does a single guy need with two chairs? He of course gets defensive when I ask that and takes one chair and storms off. I know damn well that he is planning to have someone over to play video games and that's why it was so important to get the Nintendo and so very unimportant to see his son.
Sunday doesn't get much better. By 9:30 I had not heard from him and so I call. I told myself I wasn't going to but I DESPERATELY needed to get some work done and I needed someone to entertain Munchkin. He, of course, is sleeping. Having had another late night, I'm sure. The first thing I get from him is attitude. Followed by... more attitude.
By 10:00 I call back. He's not coming. I'm going to lunch at 11:00 anyway so he will just come after nap. Thanks a lot a$$hole!! As it turns out the weather is crap so we stay in and nap time comes at 12:00 instead of 1:00. I call him at 2:30 when Munchkin is up and amazingly enough he shows up at 3:00.
Then proceeds to take my two year old out in the cold to the garage so he can get his tools in order. In his small and meager defense Munchkin was dying to ride the mower and asked him so about 10 times so there was sort of a reason, but when it wouldn't start there was no reason to stay out there.
So, I went out, and of course I got more attitude. Finally they came out of the garage and played in the sandbox and Munchkin seemed to LOVE that!! After awhile they got cold and came in and there was a little playing inside. Munchkin wanted DH to eat with us so I asked him and he said he would. Then after I started cooking he mysteriously needed to leave. (I'm guessing after that text or phone call.) Of course Munchkin was upset but DH needed to go home and "relax."
Which brings us to today. I was supposed to go sign the paperwork today but I have a counselor meeting tomorrow so I'm just going to do it then. I still need to get some things together but I'm hoping that after this weekend we can just come to an agreement and get everything done quickly. Yesterday I asked him not to fight me on sole custody and he said he wouldn't. We will see if he sticks to his word.
Tonight, like every other night, he was tired and needed to stay home and "relax." Hell at this rate he should be the most relaxed person in the whole USA!!
Let's see, where I left off. On the 28th DH was supposed to come see Munchkin in the afternoon after I got off work. I picked Munchkin up about 12:30 brought him home for his nap and when he woke up I called DH. He, of course, started in with the excuses. He was doing things at the car wash, he was trying to get the apartment ready, etc.
All afternoon it was the same jazz, I'll be there in an hour, another hour, another hour. Finally, I'll be there tomorrow, I need to move some things into the apartment tonight. I have a guy from AA coming over to help me move.
Sunday, he called about 8:30. He said he was on his way over. When he arrived he mentioned something to me, kind of casually, about the fact that he was going to have to find a different place to live. His reason, that car wash was too much on the bad side of town. Bu!! Sh!t. We are miles away from there and he still went there from our house. Location means nothing and I knew that.
So finally he admitted that his cousin had gotten mad at him cuz he gave away a few free car washes and he had offered to pay for them but his cousin just said he had changed his mind and would rather make that area into an office. Again, a load of crap. Well, except for the free car wash part. I heard a message on his answering machine about that on Saturday and I questioned him about it and told him he better not be giving away free car washes because his cousin was doing him a favor by letting him live there. He, of course, denied even knowing who the message was from.
So, the fact remained, he had no place to stay and he sure as hell wasn't going to be on my couch for a month. So I got on Craig's List and ended up finding a place that is within 5 - 10 miles of our house. I figured that would take the, it's too far to travel, thing out of his list of excuses for why he couldn't come over.
After I found the apartment, we went and looked at it and then I found a few furniture items for him. I'm sure that I helped him a LOT more than I should have, but at that point I just wanted to do whatever it took to get him moved out and to start getting my life back.
Sunday night he went to look at the couch and then told me he was going to come sleep on mine but never showed up. I got a text from him about 4:30 the next morning asking if he could come and shower and get some clothes. I probably should have said no but I let him come.
Monday morning was the last time he saw Munchkin for 4 days. He saw him for about 15 minutes before work and then Monday night he was too busy moving. Every time I talked to him on Monday he was a complete ass to me. He would cuss and scream and at one point tried to tell me that he was loosing everything he had worked for, for 12 years and it was all my fault. Wait a minute... back that truck up. I told him the deal, he choose to continue to use and drink. He didn't like that answer and I believe I was called a few choice words before I was hung up on.
He showed up later that evening to get his things that I so lovingly packed up and put in our kitchen. He brought one of his druggie friends to move the dresser and the TV. I was less than impressed but they were in and out in under 30 minutes so at least that was a plus.
Tuesday I called him to ask a question and realized that he was home "sick." Damn, I hate it when I have a cold and can't go to work. So, I called the lawyer and asked her advice. I set an appointment for Friday to file a petition for dissolution. Tuesday night he was too sick and needed to stay home and sleep.
Wednesday night he was too busy moving. Which was fine because Munchkin went to my parents house so I could work late to make up for running around on Tuesday trying to get things for his apartment. (I know... I know... helping too much... but he is OUT) All told I would guess in the past week I spent close to a grand getting him out, but he's out and has all the things I'm willing to pay for.
Thursday he finally decided he was going to show up. He got here at 6:00 gave me the money we had agreed upon, but was severely short on the amount he needed to save to be able to pay his rent. Then about 6:35 he took a call from one of the drug houses and by 6:55 he was trying to leave. Munchkin said to him, no daddy... don't go back, yet he couldn't even stay for another 30 minutes until bed time.
When Munchkin said that to him he started to cry and then decided maybe he could stay for bath time, however 15 minutes later... nope, in fact he did need to go. He couldn't stay for 15 more minutes to put his son to bed.
When I looked on line the next day he made his first phone call two minutes after he pulled out of our driveway and his phone was lit up until 10:55 that night. I had been waffling about meeting with the lawyer. That pushed me over the edge. I met with her on Friday to have her get the petition for dissolution ready. It is the only way to insure that he can not run us into a bunch of debt before a divorce is final and also that he could not take off with Munchkin.
Friday is usually meeting night so Munchkin when to MIL's house. DH, of course told me he was tired from a long hard day and was just going to stay home and relax. His phone started ringing and 6:00 and didn't stop until Midnight. So much for sleeping huh?
Saturday was counselor day. He had his appointments in the morning, one to make up for last week and one for this week and I had mine somewhere in the middle. I talked with my counselor about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling and he gave me a book to read, which I have yet to pick up... dang it... which is supposed to help me with feeling more empowered and feeling like I have the right to ask for what I need. (Which I have HUGE problems doing with DH)
After the appointments DH had mentioned to me he wanted to get some movies and his Nintendo since there is nothing much on regular TV on the weekends. So I called him after I picked up Munchkin but of course he was "busy." He said he could probably come over in an hour but I told him I was going to lay down with Munchkin so it was either now or he would have to wait.
Looking back, I'm now well aware that he probably wanted to come when he was sleeping so he could just get his stuff and get out. After all... why spend time with your son when there are more important things to be doing. As it was, I called him at 3:30 when DH woke up and by 4:30 he was still no where to be found.
When I called to ask what the deal was all I was met with was attitude. I was being ridiculous, of course he didn't want to come over and deal with me, etc. I told him I could be upstairs, it was not about me it was about seeing his son. He finally showed up at 5:00. I headed for the stairs but he told me I didn't have to go upstairs. He was there all of 10 minutes when he started packing his things to leave and was met with "No daddy!! Don't go bye bye!!"
Which of course brought on the water works again, in him.. not munchkin. So he sat down on the floor and cried a little and held him, but 10 minutes later that was enough. He had to go... things to do. Oh so tired, needed to go home and relax. Of course on his way out he asks me about two folding chairs on our pack porch. Can he take them. What does a single guy need with two chairs? He of course gets defensive when I ask that and takes one chair and storms off. I know damn well that he is planning to have someone over to play video games and that's why it was so important to get the Nintendo and so very unimportant to see his son.
Sunday doesn't get much better. By 9:30 I had not heard from him and so I call. I told myself I wasn't going to but I DESPERATELY needed to get some work done and I needed someone to entertain Munchkin. He, of course, is sleeping. Having had another late night, I'm sure. The first thing I get from him is attitude. Followed by... more attitude.
By 10:00 I call back. He's not coming. I'm going to lunch at 11:00 anyway so he will just come after nap. Thanks a lot a$$hole!! As it turns out the weather is crap so we stay in and nap time comes at 12:00 instead of 1:00. I call him at 2:30 when Munchkin is up and amazingly enough he shows up at 3:00.
Then proceeds to take my two year old out in the cold to the garage so he can get his tools in order. In his small and meager defense Munchkin was dying to ride the mower and asked him so about 10 times so there was sort of a reason, but when it wouldn't start there was no reason to stay out there.
So, I went out, and of course I got more attitude. Finally they came out of the garage and played in the sandbox and Munchkin seemed to LOVE that!! After awhile they got cold and came in and there was a little playing inside. Munchkin wanted DH to eat with us so I asked him and he said he would. Then after I started cooking he mysteriously needed to leave. (I'm guessing after that text or phone call.) Of course Munchkin was upset but DH needed to go home and "relax."
Which brings us to today. I was supposed to go sign the paperwork today but I have a counselor meeting tomorrow so I'm just going to do it then. I still need to get some things together but I'm hoping that after this weekend we can just come to an agreement and get everything done quickly. Yesterday I asked him not to fight me on sole custody and he said he wouldn't. We will see if he sticks to his word.
Tonight, like every other night, he was tired and needed to stay home and "relax." Hell at this rate he should be the most relaxed person in the whole USA!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Surviving...
I'm sorry that it went quiet around here. DH had a free apartment, then he screwed up the free apartment, then had to find an apartment that costs money, then had to find stuff for this apartment, etc, etc, etc.
Wash... rinse and repeat.
Last night I packed his stuff up so he could come and get it and not be there too long. He was an ass to me ALL day yesterday.
So... I have a LOT swirling around that I need to write about, I just need a bit of time to process it all. Right now I'm pretty numb to everything and I know that at some point it is going to catch up with me.
Wash... rinse and repeat.
Last night I packed his stuff up so he could come and get it and not be there too long. He was an ass to me ALL day yesterday.
So... I have a LOT swirling around that I need to write about, I just need a bit of time to process it all. Right now I'm pretty numb to everything and I know that at some point it is going to catch up with me.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Day 12
Well, what a day yesterday was huh? I guess you know the basics... but again... a commitment is a commitment so here I am.
About noon yesterday I got a call from DH asking what the plan was. I think the expected me to tell him to just come home and we would work it out but I didn't. I think if he would have fought me on it I might have caved, but he just went along with it. Said he was going to talk to his cousin about an apartment above the car wash.
About 3:30 he called back and said his cousin said he could stay there so he would be there tonight cleaning things up but would probably sleep on our couch until he could get it livable.
So, after work I talked to DH and he said he was getting his apartment ready, so I went to my meeting and then out to dinner with the regular group I eat with. When I got done with dinner I called DH because I sort of wanted to get the check from him to put in the bank before he decided to do something else with it.
I basically pass the car wash on my way home so I figured I might as well stop. He was there and gave me the check no problem. I also got to look around a little bit and believe me when I tell you this is NOT living in the lap of luxury. The place is SMALL... like Efficiency small. And right now, it's very much full of junk.
His cousin flips houses and so he said that he has a storage area filled with furniture that he has salvaged so he will be able to give that to DH to use. I can't help but be pretty relieved that he has a place, and that it is not with us right now.
It's funny, but last night after dinner DH's new sponsor was talking to me and I found myself trying to justify why I thought this was the best decision. He just looked at me and said "no one is judging you for what you did." And that's when it hit me. No one but me. I am judging me. I feel like a big fat failure for not being able to do it. For not being able to save my marriage. When in reality, as my sponsor told me, I didn't make the choice. He did, I just reacted with the only option I felt I had.
So anyway, after I left DH I went home and went to bed. I think I was asleep by 10:30 and I didn't wake up once. When my alarm went off at 4:30 I realized that he was not there. It was SOO nice to be able to sleep and not be up every hour wondering why he didn't call and why I can't get him to answer his phone.
I did call him at 4:30, mostly because it was a habit of where are you and my brain wasn't even awake enough to realize what I was doing until after I hung up the phone. When he told me he stayed at the apartment the first thing I thought was he's lying to me. But then, a relief spread over me. He might be lying but it's not my problem right now!! :-)
About noon yesterday I got a call from DH asking what the plan was. I think the expected me to tell him to just come home and we would work it out but I didn't. I think if he would have fought me on it I might have caved, but he just went along with it. Said he was going to talk to his cousin about an apartment above the car wash.
About 3:30 he called back and said his cousin said he could stay there so he would be there tonight cleaning things up but would probably sleep on our couch until he could get it livable.
So, after work I talked to DH and he said he was getting his apartment ready, so I went to my meeting and then out to dinner with the regular group I eat with. When I got done with dinner I called DH because I sort of wanted to get the check from him to put in the bank before he decided to do something else with it.
I basically pass the car wash on my way home so I figured I might as well stop. He was there and gave me the check no problem. I also got to look around a little bit and believe me when I tell you this is NOT living in the lap of luxury. The place is SMALL... like Efficiency small. And right now, it's very much full of junk.
His cousin flips houses and so he said that he has a storage area filled with furniture that he has salvaged so he will be able to give that to DH to use. I can't help but be pretty relieved that he has a place, and that it is not with us right now.
It's funny, but last night after dinner DH's new sponsor was talking to me and I found myself trying to justify why I thought this was the best decision. He just looked at me and said "no one is judging you for what you did." And that's when it hit me. No one but me. I am judging me. I feel like a big fat failure for not being able to do it. For not being able to save my marriage. When in reality, as my sponsor told me, I didn't make the choice. He did, I just reacted with the only option I felt I had.
So anyway, after I left DH I went home and went to bed. I think I was asleep by 10:30 and I didn't wake up once. When my alarm went off at 4:30 I realized that he was not there. It was SOO nice to be able to sleep and not be up every hour wondering why he didn't call and why I can't get him to answer his phone.
I did call him at 4:30, mostly because it was a habit of where are you and my brain wasn't even awake enough to realize what I was doing until after I hung up the phone. When he told me he stayed at the apartment the first thing I thought was he's lying to me. But then, a relief spread over me. He might be lying but it's not my problem right now!! :-)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 10 and Day 11
As I came down the stairs the smell was unmistakable. Even not being around it for two years I knew immediately. I walked over to the end table and looked down. There was a large plastic cup full of liquid. Almost all the way to the top but I couldn't tell what it was. I picked it up and I knew, right away I knew.
It was 4:45 am and my world was coming crashing down. I looked on the couch at DH, sleeping so soundly and for a moment I pondered my options. Then, he opened his eyes and my whole day just went down hill.
"Why is there alcohol in this glass?"
"What?"
"Alcohol... I can smell it. You're drinking now?"
When I walked into the kitchen there was an empty 40 oz bottle of beer. From the size of the cup I would guess if that was the only one he purchased he only drank about 8 - 10 oz before he went to sleep but either way... it didn't matter to me. He bought it, he drank even just a little of it.
I was done.
There was no yelling, there was no accusations just a simple request.
"If you can find your check from yesterday and give it to me, you are welcome to stay on our couch until you can find another place. If you can't find it, or if you have spent it, your rent is officially late and you will need to stay somewhere else tonight."
Plain. Simple. Almost rehearsed.
Of course it didn't end there, there was crying, there were promises, explanation, begging. None of it mattered. I was just done. He says it was his last hurrah. That he talked with his new sponsor about all the things he had to do differently and he wanted to have one last drink. I'm just not sure one will be it. I love DH, I love him with all that I am, but I'm very afraid that he is in WAY over his head and I can't save him this time.
How did we get here? I don't know, a week filled with broken promises and late nights I suppose. Wednesday he went to a meeting and then said he had to stop somewhere, I forget where... maybe the car wash. Then he couldn't come home because I was mad at him. Oh wait no... I remember now...
I worked late, he called at 8:45 and said he was on his way home from his meeting. I was leaving work at that time. I drove home and stopped to feed the horses. About that time my phone rang. He told me he had stopped to get something to eat and would be there soon. It takes 15 minutes to get from the meeting to our house. At this point it had be 30 minutes and I just knew he was lying to me. The place he told me he stopped to get food is 5 minutes from our house. Why couldn't he bring it home to eat it? Why did he need to sit in the parking lot?
These are the questions I raised and from him I got a whole lot of grief. 20 minutes later he still wasn't home. This time there was a new excuse. He was angry that I was always questioning him. He went to Wal-mart to just walk around. I'm not sure if he realizes that his lies sound ridiculous or if he thinks they sound great but they suck. He tells ridiculous lies when he is out looking for drugs.
Wednesday night, I just went to bed. I decided that I couldn't let him run my life and although I didn't do as well as Tuesday night, I did better than I had in the past. And that brings us to last night. When it was essentially the same thing all over again.
First he couldn't' find his check. Then he had to go to a meeting. After the meeting he had to go talk with his new sponsor. I didn't call. Each and every time, I let him call me. And he did, he called, he checked in and at 10:30 he called and said he was done talking and was going to stop by the shop to look for his check.
And then he was gone. An hour went by, an hour and a half, two hours. No DH, no phone call no nothing. Finally he called and said he was on his way home. He had left his phone at the shop and had to go back and get it. (Another excuse he has used quite a bit.)
I think it was 12:30 - 12:45 when he got home. I went to bed, only to discover what I found this morning.
So here we sit. A friend of mine told me I didn't have to accept this whether he was sober or not. Somewhere in my head there is a voice that says if he is trying, if he wants to get sober you have to stay. I now think that voice might be a liar.
He called about an hour ago, said he found his check. He had left it in the break room. Says he's going to bring it to me after work. Right now, I think the best idea is for him to stay somewhere else for awhile, but I'm waffling on that.
Damn it... I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to leave, I just want him to be here... sober. But as hard as I try, I can't make that happen... only he can. And as much as I wait and drag my feet and try to deny the inevitable I don't know if we are ever going to get to a place where he is sober again.
Right now, he says he's trying for us. He needs to be trying for him. This morning I dragged my SCREAMING two year old off of him as we left for daycare and he screamed and cried "My DADDY!! MY DADDY!!" I'm not sure I can take that away from him again, but I'm not sure staying is doing anyone any good either.
It was 4:45 am and my world was coming crashing down. I looked on the couch at DH, sleeping so soundly and for a moment I pondered my options. Then, he opened his eyes and my whole day just went down hill.
"Why is there alcohol in this glass?"
"What?"
"Alcohol... I can smell it. You're drinking now?"
When I walked into the kitchen there was an empty 40 oz bottle of beer. From the size of the cup I would guess if that was the only one he purchased he only drank about 8 - 10 oz before he went to sleep but either way... it didn't matter to me. He bought it, he drank even just a little of it.
I was done.
There was no yelling, there was no accusations just a simple request.
"If you can find your check from yesterday and give it to me, you are welcome to stay on our couch until you can find another place. If you can't find it, or if you have spent it, your rent is officially late and you will need to stay somewhere else tonight."
Plain. Simple. Almost rehearsed.
Of course it didn't end there, there was crying, there were promises, explanation, begging. None of it mattered. I was just done. He says it was his last hurrah. That he talked with his new sponsor about all the things he had to do differently and he wanted to have one last drink. I'm just not sure one will be it. I love DH, I love him with all that I am, but I'm very afraid that he is in WAY over his head and I can't save him this time.
How did we get here? I don't know, a week filled with broken promises and late nights I suppose. Wednesday he went to a meeting and then said he had to stop somewhere, I forget where... maybe the car wash. Then he couldn't come home because I was mad at him. Oh wait no... I remember now...
I worked late, he called at 8:45 and said he was on his way home from his meeting. I was leaving work at that time. I drove home and stopped to feed the horses. About that time my phone rang. He told me he had stopped to get something to eat and would be there soon. It takes 15 minutes to get from the meeting to our house. At this point it had be 30 minutes and I just knew he was lying to me. The place he told me he stopped to get food is 5 minutes from our house. Why couldn't he bring it home to eat it? Why did he need to sit in the parking lot?
These are the questions I raised and from him I got a whole lot of grief. 20 minutes later he still wasn't home. This time there was a new excuse. He was angry that I was always questioning him. He went to Wal-mart to just walk around. I'm not sure if he realizes that his lies sound ridiculous or if he thinks they sound great but they suck. He tells ridiculous lies when he is out looking for drugs.
Wednesday night, I just went to bed. I decided that I couldn't let him run my life and although I didn't do as well as Tuesday night, I did better than I had in the past. And that brings us to last night. When it was essentially the same thing all over again.
First he couldn't' find his check. Then he had to go to a meeting. After the meeting he had to go talk with his new sponsor. I didn't call. Each and every time, I let him call me. And he did, he called, he checked in and at 10:30 he called and said he was done talking and was going to stop by the shop to look for his check.
And then he was gone. An hour went by, an hour and a half, two hours. No DH, no phone call no nothing. Finally he called and said he was on his way home. He had left his phone at the shop and had to go back and get it. (Another excuse he has used quite a bit.)
I think it was 12:30 - 12:45 when he got home. I went to bed, only to discover what I found this morning.
So here we sit. A friend of mine told me I didn't have to accept this whether he was sober or not. Somewhere in my head there is a voice that says if he is trying, if he wants to get sober you have to stay. I now think that voice might be a liar.
He called about an hour ago, said he found his check. He had left it in the break room. Says he's going to bring it to me after work. Right now, I think the best idea is for him to stay somewhere else for awhile, but I'm waffling on that.
Damn it... I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to leave, I just want him to be here... sober. But as hard as I try, I can't make that happen... only he can. And as much as I wait and drag my feet and try to deny the inevitable I don't know if we are ever going to get to a place where he is sober again.
Right now, he says he's trying for us. He needs to be trying for him. This morning I dragged my SCREAMING two year old off of him as we left for daycare and he screamed and cried "My DADDY!! MY DADDY!!" I'm not sure I can take that away from him again, but I'm not sure staying is doing anyone any good either.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Day Nine
I don't have a lot to write about yesterday, but a commitment is a commitment and so I owe you a daily report. Yesterday a friend of mine told me about a couple that we know in the program and that her husband had relapsed. After I heard about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept thinking how bad I felt for her and how I wish no one ever had to go through relapse.
Then last night I called DH on my way home, he said he was on his way from the job site and would try to be home to see Munchkin. When we got there at 6:00 he wasn't home so I called again, this time he was at the car wash (the second job that I'm questioning the sanity of...). Then I called again at 6:45 to basically see why it was that he hadn't shown up to see his son and then I just sort of had a bit of a break through.
It is not my job to make sure he shows up at home to see Munchkin. If he wants to work, or screw around, or whatever else and that takes away from his time with Munchkin that's not my problem. That is his problem. I am there every morning to kiss my little boy and take him to daycare and make funny faces at him so he won't cry when I leave.
I am there every night to pick him up from daycare. To see his face and listen to him cry at me because he doesn't want to go home just yet. He has things to do, toys to play with. I am there to see him when he looks up at me and says hold my hand mommy. Run? As we "run" through the parking lot.
I'm not missing ANY of that. I re-arranged my whole schedule to be there for every one of those moments and some times it sucks and I don't want to get out of bed at 4:30 or go up to my office at 8:00 and work some more but at the end of the day I did it so I didn't have to miss any of those moments and when he is all grown he will know that I was there.
If DH doesn't want to make those sacrifices for Munchkin or for me that is his choice and while I'm sad that is his choice I can not make it any different by calling him a million times or asking him when he will be home a bazillion times. The only thing that is doing is taking away from MY time for me and for my son. Sometime between the 3rd phone call and the drive to my meeting last night it just sort of smacked me in the head. I was letting HIM live my life for me and I need to live MY own life. I have been so afraid of the unknown when really the unknown is right in front of me. I am a single parent in a two parent household and I'm doing just fine. I get Munchkin to daycare, I get to work, I get him picked up, I arrange babysitters when I need to be gone. The only thing he is doing at this point is giving me some money and a lot of stress I don't need.
So I let go of it. When he went out with a guy from AA (or told me he did, he's asking him to be his new sponsor) last night after the meeting I went to bed. I didn't need to stay awake because he wasn't there. When I woke up at 11:00 and he still wasn't home I just repeated to myself over and over:
Do not let him live your life for you....
And I went back to sleep. Of course as soon as I fell back asleep he called to tell me he had a flat tire and his spare was crap and so he was getting a patch kit and fixing it but I just said ok and went back to sleep. And when he finally did get there, I didn't need to get up and ask him a million questions I just repeated to myself:
Do NOT let him live your life for you....
And then I went back to sleep.
Hopefully, today is a new day...
Then last night I called DH on my way home, he said he was on his way from the job site and would try to be home to see Munchkin. When we got there at 6:00 he wasn't home so I called again, this time he was at the car wash (the second job that I'm questioning the sanity of...). Then I called again at 6:45 to basically see why it was that he hadn't shown up to see his son and then I just sort of had a bit of a break through.
It is not my job to make sure he shows up at home to see Munchkin. If he wants to work, or screw around, or whatever else and that takes away from his time with Munchkin that's not my problem. That is his problem. I am there every morning to kiss my little boy and take him to daycare and make funny faces at him so he won't cry when I leave.
I am there every night to pick him up from daycare. To see his face and listen to him cry at me because he doesn't want to go home just yet. He has things to do, toys to play with. I am there to see him when he looks up at me and says hold my hand mommy. Run? As we "run" through the parking lot.
I'm not missing ANY of that. I re-arranged my whole schedule to be there for every one of those moments and some times it sucks and I don't want to get out of bed at 4:30 or go up to my office at 8:00 and work some more but at the end of the day I did it so I didn't have to miss any of those moments and when he is all grown he will know that I was there.
If DH doesn't want to make those sacrifices for Munchkin or for me that is his choice and while I'm sad that is his choice I can not make it any different by calling him a million times or asking him when he will be home a bazillion times. The only thing that is doing is taking away from MY time for me and for my son. Sometime between the 3rd phone call and the drive to my meeting last night it just sort of smacked me in the head. I was letting HIM live my life for me and I need to live MY own life. I have been so afraid of the unknown when really the unknown is right in front of me. I am a single parent in a two parent household and I'm doing just fine. I get Munchkin to daycare, I get to work, I get him picked up, I arrange babysitters when I need to be gone. The only thing he is doing at this point is giving me some money and a lot of stress I don't need.
So I let go of it. When he went out with a guy from AA (or told me he did, he's asking him to be his new sponsor) last night after the meeting I went to bed. I didn't need to stay awake because he wasn't there. When I woke up at 11:00 and he still wasn't home I just repeated to myself over and over:
Do not let him live your life for you....
And I went back to sleep. Of course as soon as I fell back asleep he called to tell me he had a flat tire and his spare was crap and so he was getting a patch kit and fixing it but I just said ok and went back to sleep. And when he finally did get there, I didn't need to get up and ask him a million questions I just repeated to myself:
Do NOT let him live your life for you....
And then I went back to sleep.
Hopefully, today is a new day...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Where Did the Comments Go?
I have been asked by a couple of people where the comments went to all of my daily posts. The short answer is, I took them off. The long answer is a bit more complicated.
Right now I'm REALLY struggling. I'm struggling every day to make the best decisions that I know how and every day, all day long there is constant chatter in my head. Did you do that right? Should you do this? ALL day long...
Then, I started posting basically a running commentary here and what it resulted in was more voices in my head. And really... I just can't do it. I need to know that the decisions that I'm making are mine and mine alone and when people are commenting on every aspect of my life I just don't feel like I can do that.
It is not because I don't feel like you guys have valuable things to say or that anyone said anything that offended me. I just need to do this for me, so when it all is said and done I know that I did this. This is the most personal thing I have in my life and with everyone commenting I also started to sensor what I wrote. Not on purpose, just as a side affect. This way, I can be 100% honest and open.
I know you are there, I can see it on my stat counter. (If you need to tell me something, e-mail me) I know you are reading and that is what I need right now. The stories I tell about the past will still have comments on them. Just, for right now, not the daily posts.
I hope you understand.
Right now I'm REALLY struggling. I'm struggling every day to make the best decisions that I know how and every day, all day long there is constant chatter in my head. Did you do that right? Should you do this? ALL day long...
Then, I started posting basically a running commentary here and what it resulted in was more voices in my head. And really... I just can't do it. I need to know that the decisions that I'm making are mine and mine alone and when people are commenting on every aspect of my life I just don't feel like I can do that.
It is not because I don't feel like you guys have valuable things to say or that anyone said anything that offended me. I just need to do this for me, so when it all is said and done I know that I did this. This is the most personal thing I have in my life and with everyone commenting I also started to sensor what I wrote. Not on purpose, just as a side affect. This way, I can be 100% honest and open.
I know you are there, I can see it on my stat counter. (If you need to tell me something, e-mail me) I know you are reading and that is what I need right now. The stories I tell about the past will still have comments on them. Just, for right now, not the daily posts.
I hope you understand.
Day 8
Sorry I'm a bit late in getting this posted. Yesterday started out with a fight about a candy bar and ended with DH threatening to pack his bags and then ultimately sleeping on the couch. How did we get here? How did we get to this place where we are irreversibly screwed up? And how, for the love of god, do we ever get out?
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Let's see... the candy bar. It was never really about the candy bar. Yesterday when I got up I noticed a tin foil wrapper on the coffee table. I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady came and I asked DH what it was. Oh yeah, I ate your candy bar thing. And that was it, I just lost it. I was all sorts of crazy lady. It just all came to the surface. The fact that EVERYTHING in my life is always about him.
I'm tired of never being able to have anything of my own. Of trying to do things and having them get ruined by him. Of him never having any respect for anyone else. It wasn't about the candy bar, it was about the fact that he KNEW it was mine and he ate it any way. Because he wanted it. Just like every other thing in his life. To me, it was the reason he steals. Because he thinks he is the most important person on the planet and he doesn't care if something is not his, if he wants it he will take it.
After my little tirade I came to work and talked to my sponsor and a couple of other friends and I was starting to feel a little better. Then I went home. Something told me when I called him to ask him about the bank card that arrived in the mail (oh yes... he started a checking account without telling me and already has it over drawn) that he wasn't telling me the truth about working.
So I drove by. In true Al-anon fashion the crazy lady appeared once again and I drove by his work after Munchkin and I went to the store and low and behold... he wasn't there. I called him and he admitted to me that he had thought about using and that's why he had lied to me. But, instead he had gone to Taco Bell and was on his way home.
I suppose in hindsight I should have been glad that he didn't use, but instead I was just pissed that he had lied to me. And the crazy lady stayed for a long visit. At some point it ended up with him on the couch and me on the stairs spewing things at him. No cussing, no name calling, but I'm not sure what I was saying was nice either and so he just decided he was leaving.
And then the real crazy lady came out. I found myself right back in that panic figuring out how I was going to stop him. How dare he cross me and walk out on me. After all that I had done for him. If he's going to be sober he's going to BE here damn it!!
And then 5 minutes into it... it just stopped. 2 years ago I could have continued like this for hours... now, suddenly I realized how stupid it all was. He was doing what I had been yelling at him to do. I had been pushing because I wanted him to react and he did. He just didn't react in the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for our relationship, instead he choose flight.
Defeated I just told him if he wanted to leave, he could leave. I didn't want this to get ugly for the sake of our son. He considered still packing but ultimately ended up downstairs on the couch, once again. Perhaps I should just move all of his stuff down there. That seems to be his bedroom now.
So, we are back to the original plan. Seeing our separate counselors starting in two weeks. (Next week is the evaluation screening) At this point, two weeks can't come soon enough.....
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 7
Last night we got a call from some AA & Al-anon friends about playing cards at their house (well the guys played cards, the women watched a chick flick.) It was nice to hang out with some people that I knew were straight.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
When we got home DH actually came straight up to bed, which made it much easier for me to get a good nights sleep. I still struggle with that, sleeping well if he's down stairs. I need to talk to my counselor next time about whether I'm expecting too much or getting too little.
Today he was supposed to work in the morning but it was too cold so he was just in the shop doing some things on his car. I thought for a little while this afternoon that he may have been up to his old ways but when he arrived home his eyes were clear and he wasn't acting strange.
I guess only time will tell and at some point, perhaps once he finally passes a drug test, I will be able to stop wondering what is going on every time he doesn't answer his phone right when I call.
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