Haunted

This month has, by far been one of my worst in all of this. When I started telling my story back at the end of May I started digging up a lot of old demons. For the most part I was able to keep them under control by coming here. I was here, I was writing and when I was upset I would pour it out here.

My whole goal in all of this is to eventually have it all written down here so that it can stop playing over and over in my head like a bad home movie. And for a month or so that was working really well. Then my sister was in an accident and suddenly my focus turned to her and not to here.

And it got bad.
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Really bad....
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Really quickly.
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So much so that in the last two weeks I have slept all of very little and eaten all of less. When I am stressed I don't eat. Coping mechanism left over from before I suppose. When I don't eat the voices in my head get worse and my mental state goes downhill relatively rapidly. It's a vicious circle.

The not sleeping thing though, that is new to me. When DH was actively using I didn't sleep but it was because I was up every hour calling him or checking to see if he was still on the couch. When he left I didn't worry so I just slept. Now, I lay there and my mind just races.

I was with M last night and we were discussing this. My need to sleep and eat and process all of this and he asked my why am I not sleeping now if I was sleeping before. And that, my dear friends, is when it finally dawned on me that I stopped sleeping when I stopped writing.

All of that stuff I was pouring out here was instead festering in my head. I am haunted by all of the things that happened and the only way to make them go away is to write them all down here and release them out into the world.

Soo....

Here I am....
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Again.....

Trying desperately to make the memories stop haunting me.