Selfish

We teach others how to treat us. That is a phrase that has run over and over in my mind. Someone mentioned it in the comments and it really reminded me how stuck I feel. In Al-anon I have learned that I can change some situations simply by changing the way I react to them.

In a lot of areas of our life together this has helped. If I can ask him to load the dishwasher instead of doing it myself and then resenting him for it, I save the resentment and the dishwasher gets loaded. The problem is, who asks ME to do it? Why should I HAVE to ask him all the time?

This morning he says to me, I need to get my prescription refilled. I said to him, you are a big boy, call the number on the bottle and I will pick it up after work. He didn't call. He has left it, once again, up to me to do or our little family unit to suffer the consequences.

This is a theme I hear about quite often in AA and Al-anon circles. I looked for the topic in my Courage to Change book but couldn't find it but the fact is that alcoholics and addicts tend to be very selfish. When they are in the depths of their disease they only think about getting their next fix, about themselves and their needs.

The problem is, this is a learned behavior, and one that is hard to break. When FIL was in jail his only worry seemed to be about whether the neighbors would find out and it would ruin his "reputation." Never mind the mess he had created for his family. His concern was purely of a selfish nature.

For DH this seems to carry over into a lot of our lives. And I, am no less of a guilty party in this. I have let him "learn" how to treat me. Or, in a way how to treat himself. For so many years I accepted this unacceptable behavior and now I'm tired of it but I don't know what to do.

I've asked and asked and tried and tried but I don't seem to be getting answers that work for us. I tried the credit card thing and you see from the last post how well that went. I've tried letting him decide how much money he brings home from side jobs and how much he keeps. That SEEMS to be working well in the fact that now he tells me how much he gets and then gives me some. Not always how much I THINK he should give me, but it is a start.

However, my biggest problem is respect. How the hell do I get that? I don't want to be his mother but what is an acceptable "consequence?" I can't ground him when he throws a fit and calls me names but I also don't want him to think it is ok.

This morning he needed gas. He called me and demanded that I get him the bank card, again he shredded his credit card and I don't trust him to have full access to the bank account, and seemed genuinely pissed off when I didn't drop everything right then to get it to him.

After I dropped Munchkin off at daycare I told him to meet me at the gas station that I pass on my way to work which is a different way than he usually goes but NOT out of his way. He seemed pissed that I would even suggest that, instead he wanted me to go out of MY way for him.

Finally he pulls into daycare, I walk out and get into my car and he peels out onto the road. He knows I am TWO cars behind him yet he can't wait for me to get there. Instead he just starts pumping gas and tells me to go inside. Inside to wait with the 20 other people, thereby making me LATE to work.

This is unacceptable behavior, but what should I have done? I didn't want to give him the bank card since we only have one and I use it for everything I need where as he uses cash. So how do I give him a consequence for treating me like that without being his mother? Keep in mind he is now 36 hours off of medicine so the manic is already starting....

I just really feel stuck between continuing to play the roles that we have played and trying to move ourselves into different roles. I want so much some days to just run away and start over somewhere else with someone else. Would I let them treat me the same way or would I be stronger?