Loss of a Pet

Four days after we officially became an item my dog died. It was a tragic day that I will never forget. I got a call from the office that I needed to meet my mom outside right away but no one would tell me why. So I went outside and stood on the corner waiting for her.

She pulled up in her old beat up car and as soon as I looked in the window I knew something was terribly wrong. There on the front seat sat my beloved dog. My puppy whom I got as a present for my 16th birthday was there but something was not right.

When I looked closer I noticed the blood and then the bone. His hip bone was sticking through the skin and out of his body. For such a serious injury I remember thinking that there should be more blood.

When I got into the car he tried to get closer to me and he wimpered in pain. By this point I was crying. What was going on? As we headed to the vet's office my mom explained to me that he had been following a trailer out back to the dump pile and he had tried to "heal" the tire. He got a little too close and had been rolled under the trailer.

The whole way there I kept thinking that he wasn't bleeding too badly, the doctor would just fix his hip and we would go on our way. However, when we got there the vet informed us that my puppy was parilized from the waist down. That even if he fixed the injury he would never walk again and that for this breed of dog with such high energy it would be devistating.

Then I had to choose. Let him live with no quality of life, or watch him go. This wonderful dog that I hadn't had nearly enough time with. The one that I got happy meals for and who slept with me and went every where with me.

As I sat there crying holding his head the vet gave him the shot. Then we wrapped him in a towel and took him home to be burried. I remember as soon as we got home Impossible Dream Man (IDM) was waiting for me. He was crying and I hugged him as he told me how sorry he was.

I should have stayed. Taken the rest of the day off, mourned my loss, but instead all I could think of was getting back to school. Back to DH. I was back by lunch time but the reaction I got was not one of sympathy or compassion. It was simply, wow, that sucks. Ok, I'm going to sit with my friends now.

As soon as he said it, as soon as I knew that was all I was getting I wanted to run back home and crawl into bed. But, I had comitted to being there that afternoon so I stayed and pretended nothing was wrong even though inside I was dying. I stuffed it down and decided to be strong instead.

09/17/1996

After two days of being in school and being a couple I was convinced that we were meant to be together. I wrote in my journal that "it is unlike any other relationship I've had. Which could be a good thing, I suppose, because none of the other relationships lasted very long. This one's like me and R's which lasted 7 years so I guess this is a very good thing. […] Although both sets of our friends know about us we don't hang on each other or anything."

We don’t hang on each other, looking back I find this funny. We met in between every class to see each other for just that brief 5 seconds and any other times I was too busy to notice that he was too busy with his friends to notice me.

Going Out

After the exciting homecoming dance it was up bright and early to go horseback riding with DH's family. I had been horseback riding since I was younger and even after my accident had never given it up. However, this would only be the second time that I had actually been on horseback riding trails, etc. Most of my riding was confined to fields and roadsides.

We loaded up my horse in the trailer and were off for the "park." DH and I rode in the morning and then in the afternoon we told his parents we were going to skip the afternoon ride and just hang out in "camp."

His dad had a large work van that we had used to pull the horse trailer and I remember that we were sitting on the bumper of the van with the back doors open. DH turned to me and said, so do you want to go out? It was as simple as that. I said yes and the deed was done.

Until we got married, this was always the day that we celebrated as our anniversary. We picked our wedding day as close to this day as we could. When we were married we had officially been "going out" for 7 years and 5 days. (With a few breakups along the way.)

Homecoming

So I went to the homecoming dance with some friends and DH went with my sister's friend. As most things were when I was in high school it was a night of drama. Two of my best friends were crying through most of the dance and I only got one dance with DH.

After the dance my sister's friend was spending the night with her so DH didn't have to take her home, or rather his mom didn't have to come pick them up since he didn't have a license. So DH decided to come home with me. Ooops. Talk about awkward.

We got home first and were sitting there on the couch talking with my parents when my sister and her friend walked in. So there I was with her date. Luckily it was late and DH left shortly there after and I went to bed.

Bonfire

As was the tradition at our school during homecoming week there was one night where there was a big bonfire. It was sort of a pep rally type of a thing. This was the night that my sister's friend found out about DH and I. I think up until this point she had thought that he was really taking her because he wanted to go with her, not because he just didn't have a date.

While I really wanted to be with DH I remember feeling kind of bad that night as I pulled out of the parking lot and saw her talking to my sister, all upset. When my sister got in the car she told me the story.

I'm pretty sure the words she used were not nice, as this was her friend and when we were in high school, I was not.

09/08/1996

Today was the day of mass confusion. I was still high on life from my first "date" with DH but really bummed that I would not be able to go to the homecoming dance with him. He had already agreed to go with my sister's friend and my mom told me that if he didn't go with her he wasn't going with me.

My mom didn't think that it was polite or appropriate for him to dump her a week before the dance simply because we had decided we wanted to "date." At the time I thought that was extremely unfair. Why should he have to go with her when we were going to be together. Now, I look back and fully understand the wisdom of my mother's choice.

I just wish that at that time I had thought about what kind of man he would be. If he was willing to leave his date hanging a week before the dance how reliable would he be for me? But I was 16, I was young and "falling in love" and that was the furthest thing from my mind.

I wrote in my journal that I was "so confused I just wanted to scream. Nothing was working out and DH ad I and whatever we have are stuck in the middle." What did we have? I had been to his house once? Why was I so "stuck??"

First "Date"

I ended up going to DH's mom's party. Of course I did. I remember when I arrived that there was no one there I knew. The party was a surprise so DH, his mom, dad and sister were out horseback riding.

Everyone else had gathered for the surprise for when they got home. So I just wandered around out back telling anyone that asked me that I was DH's friend and he had invited me and all the while trying to just blend in to the scenery.

FINALLY, DH and his family arrived. We yelled surprise and then it was time for the party to start. DH found me right away and we started to talk and of course flirt with each other. The party was out behind their house and so we headed up to the house and sat on the front porch swing.

Before long we were holding hands and then we started talking about the homecoming situation. We both liked each other but my sister's friend was in the picture. DH was, at that time, a smooth talker. He was much more experienced than me in the "sexual" arena having lost his virginity at 13 so he seemed to know all the "right" things to say to turn a girls head, so to speak.

He told me I was beautiful and gorgeous and then, by this point we had moved into the basement and were sitting on the couch, he ASKED if he could kiss me. For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. Him leaning in and asking if he could kiss me, me saying yes and us sharing that first tentative kiss.

I wrote in my journal that "his kisses were tender and with feeling." They reminded me of my impossible dream man (IDM). A man I had only kissed once but continue to dream about to this day. Perhaps that's why once I latched on to DH it was so hard to let go.

First Impression

It was this night, so many years ago that started everything. This night, this choice that changed the entire direction of my life.

I was a football manager for several weeks before DH approached me. We had a game on this night and he asked if I could give him a ride home. I knew he was a year younger than me and so I figured that he just didn't have his license yet.

Knowing that he lived only a few miles from me I agreed to take him home. We started talking on the way home and somehow, being the blunt person that I am, I directed the conversation to the phone call a few weeks prior.

I don't remember the exact words but somehow the conversation became about how he wanted to ask me but didn't know if I would say yes and me saying that I would have said yes if he would have just asked me.

And then we were stuck. The dance was in a week and he had already asked MB. It was like that torn teenage angst where we felt this pull to each other for some unknown reason but couldn't be together. You always want what you can't have right?

Either way, sitting in his driveway, he asked me to come to his mom's birthday party the next day. I remember seeing the invitation come in the mail but my parents were not close with his parents and we figured that the invitation was just a formality.

So, I told him I would talk to my mom and dad about it and let him know the next day. That choice, that decision to go, or not go, was my fork in the road. My journey down a totally different path in life.