12/05/96

In between every class DH and I meet in the hallway. He walks me to my classroom or I walk him to his. It's one of those things that teenagers do. Something that says I can't live a whole hour without you... here's another kiss to remember me by.

I remember the taste. The smell. Something I'd never smelled before. I asked him what it was. Nothing, nothing at all. I was in shop class, it's exhaust from a car. Somehow I knew that wasn't true. I still remember where we were standing. 2nd floor, top of the stairs, right outside of my Spanish class. 12 1/2 years later and it's still with me.

I don't quite remember who told me he'd been caught. How I got the news that my boyfriend was suspended from school for smoking pot in the shop bathroom. But I know I found out. I know my parents found out. I remember having to sit down with them and DH's parents in his kitchen and have a discussion about it. Explain to them that he was suspended and was spending time in a rehab facility.

I also remember the fear. That they were going to make me break up with him. But they didn't and I couldn't. All I wrote in my journal was "it's a long story and I would rather not discuss it right now." That seemed to be my standard answer. To shut down and keep the status quo.

Even now looking back I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why 2 1/2 months into a relationship I would choose to stay with someone like DH when that was not at all who I was or what I wanted from my life. All I know is I stayed, I always stayed.

Perhaps that's the magic answer. I wanted someone to love me no matter what and I thought in order to get that I had to give that. I just picked the wrong person to give it to.

11/30/96

Two and a half months in and we are already discussing breaking up and not being able to live without one another.

I remember this conversation. I remember talking to him about boundaries, the equator line I called it. I remember needing him so much and not being able to process why. Two and a half months in and we couldn't get past the no sex thing.

This is where it really started for us. Him wanting to leave and me wanting him to stay. I wrote in my journal that he thought about leaving me and that I "hyperventilated and banged my head against a wall." I think this is the crutch that it all comes back to.

He wanted to go, I begged him to stay and we were miserable together. For 12 1/2 years it was this way or the reverse, I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay. Twelve and a half years of co-dependency and misery started way back in the end of 1996.

11/28/96

Thanksgiving Day. We hang out with my parents in the evening and on my way to take him back home, he still doesn't have a license so I drive him everywhere, he wants me to stop on a gravel road. I refuse and I'm pretty sure there are words.

"He wanted me to stop along a gravel road and I said no. It pissed him off I think. He seems to be getting more anxious and upset every time I am being good. I hate to think he's using me for sex because he knows he won't get anything but he's getting worse and it's hard to deal with. It hurts and it bugs me."

At this point we had been dating just over two months. Looking back at it is hard. Knowing where things went, how things happened. I want to reach back to that scared girl and tell her that if all a man wants you for is sex there are so many better things out there in this world.

11/16/96

Pretty pathetic, we've only been going out for two months, exactly yesterday, and I'm already head over heals in love with him. He's just like my best friend/boyfriend all in one. It's pretty cool. I mean when I look at him I just smile because he's just so cool and sucha great person (without the drugs) and I love him SOO much.

I mean this is so different then me and L. We're buds and then more.

All I can do is just stare at that. Two months and I was willing to change my whole life, my whole world for him even AFTER knowing that he did drugs. And all I can do is sit here, my current me, and wonder why. Why didn't I just walk away? What was two months? Why couldn't I just let go?

11/12/1996

I had no sooner forgiven him than he was back at it again. On this night he went to a friends house and went out into the wood and got stoned on pot. Ok, two thing pop into my mind as I'm reading this.

#1 Where were his parents? If my 15 year old son had just come home drunk two weeks prior you can be damn sure he would probably still be grounded. And if he wasn't I would still be keeping a pretty good eye on him.

#2 Where were my parents? Did I hide this that well? Again, Catholic school is running through my head.

#3 WTF? Two months and all of my morals and ideals had just flown out the window? Really? I had gone from dating the guy who wanted to become a preacher to this? Why after two months did I REALLY love him enough to go through hell with him?

This night was the first night I learned the payoff of hurting myself. Not only to me as a frustration release but also as an attention getter. This was the night that I first cut myself. Not badly, like most cutters, but more of a scratching at my skin as a way to escape what had become my quickly deteriorating reality.

DH found out and we made a pact to both get better together. "Basically I'm not allowed to cut or injure myself anymore and he's not allowed to smoke, drink or chew. If he does any of it again he holds a knife to my wrists and cuts. Basically if he smokes, etc. it's like cutting me because he's giving me open range. I don't know if this will work but I love him so much that, I have to and am willing to, try anything."

This makes my heart heavy just to type it. Some part of me needed him that badly that I was willing to sacrifice myself just to try to help him. Something I would spend the next 10 1/2 years trying to do before I realized once and for all that I could not help him, only he could help himself.

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down

DH came home drunk tonight. On this night my world fell around my feet. "He never stopped chewing, drinking or smoking pot. He had lied to me about it all plus he had lied to me about some other things. It hurt me SO bad. But I met with his counselor and his family"

Wait… wait… wait…. Stop the train. I did what? I'd been dating the guy a month and a half I was 16 years old, please why didn’t someone stop me? The phrase walk away is just repeating over and over in my head right now. But somewhere, some how I had decided that I didn't want to fail. That I could fix him, and so I stayed. According to my journal because "I loved him so very much."

I swear if my father would have known half of this stuff he would have locked me away in a catholic school. (Or at least that's what I would be thinking if I were the parent.)

10/07/1996

Three weeks, one day and already I'm writing in my journal about how he's my best friend. MW and I had been friends for YEARS, we did everything together and already I was so willing to just shove someone else in her place. Why? What was I needing?

This whole entry in my journal is all about the angst between me and my sister. About how she was telling me that people don't like me and I, of course was letting her get under my skin. So I called DH and he made me feel so much better.

Is that what I was needing? Acceptance? I was sort of an outcast. Refused to do what it took to be part of the popular group but was just a little to popular to totally fit in with the nerds. Did I just need to fit somewhere and once I found it with him I didn't want to let it go?

10/06/1996

Today was our three week "anniversary" and it was all about the sweet talk. I wrote in my journal that "we had a rough night last night but tonight we talked and worked everything out. He understands that I don't want too much to happen and he's O.K. with that.

He said he loves me for me and that's not what he wants. I mean I know he wants it but not if I don't. He's being so sweet. I just talked to him on the phone and he said he almost cried when I left tonight because he misses his baby. He's hooked, bad.

And, he quit chewing for me which is like so great. He knew I didn't like it but I told him I was O.K. with it & he quit anyway. That makes me SO happy."

Reading this just makes me cringe. DH ALWAYS knew just what to say to me to keep me hooked. I can't believe that I was that naive. He told me he was quiting and I believed him, just like that. I guess I had no reason not to. I didn't know at the time how good he was a lying about things. He always knew just what would make me feel better and be ok with how things were.

The other thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the fact that I ever told him it was ok in the first place. Three weeks into our relationship and I was already so determined to "make it work" that I was compromising my values. Why not just say I don't approve of that and walk away? It was only three weeks.

10/05/1996

Merely three weeks into our relationship and DH had already begun with the sweet talk. By this point he had told me he loved me, probably mostly in an effort to get into my pants, and it wasn't working and he was frustrated.

I wrote in my journal about having a long talk with him about waiting until marriage and trying to enforce boundaries with him. This would become the topic of many more arguments in the future. I dated L for 9 months and spent the entire last two months TRYING to get him to have sex with me and now suddenly I was with DH and I was totally flipping my position.

I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I had sex with him our relationship would probably be over and I was not willing to let that happen. I wasn't willing to open up my eyes wide enough to see what he really wanted, which wasn't a long term plan with me.

Loss of a Pet

Four days after we officially became an item my dog died. It was a tragic day that I will never forget. I got a call from the office that I needed to meet my mom outside right away but no one would tell me why. So I went outside and stood on the corner waiting for her.

She pulled up in her old beat up car and as soon as I looked in the window I knew something was terribly wrong. There on the front seat sat my beloved dog. My puppy whom I got as a present for my 16th birthday was there but something was not right.

When I looked closer I noticed the blood and then the bone. His hip bone was sticking through the skin and out of his body. For such a serious injury I remember thinking that there should be more blood.

When I got into the car he tried to get closer to me and he wimpered in pain. By this point I was crying. What was going on? As we headed to the vet's office my mom explained to me that he had been following a trailer out back to the dump pile and he had tried to "heal" the tire. He got a little too close and had been rolled under the trailer.

The whole way there I kept thinking that he wasn't bleeding too badly, the doctor would just fix his hip and we would go on our way. However, when we got there the vet informed us that my puppy was parilized from the waist down. That even if he fixed the injury he would never walk again and that for this breed of dog with such high energy it would be devistating.

Then I had to choose. Let him live with no quality of life, or watch him go. This wonderful dog that I hadn't had nearly enough time with. The one that I got happy meals for and who slept with me and went every where with me.

As I sat there crying holding his head the vet gave him the shot. Then we wrapped him in a towel and took him home to be burried. I remember as soon as we got home Impossible Dream Man (IDM) was waiting for me. He was crying and I hugged him as he told me how sorry he was.

I should have stayed. Taken the rest of the day off, mourned my loss, but instead all I could think of was getting back to school. Back to DH. I was back by lunch time but the reaction I got was not one of sympathy or compassion. It was simply, wow, that sucks. Ok, I'm going to sit with my friends now.

As soon as he said it, as soon as I knew that was all I was getting I wanted to run back home and crawl into bed. But, I had comitted to being there that afternoon so I stayed and pretended nothing was wrong even though inside I was dying. I stuffed it down and decided to be strong instead.

09/17/1996

After two days of being in school and being a couple I was convinced that we were meant to be together. I wrote in my journal that "it is unlike any other relationship I've had. Which could be a good thing, I suppose, because none of the other relationships lasted very long. This one's like me and R's which lasted 7 years so I guess this is a very good thing. […] Although both sets of our friends know about us we don't hang on each other or anything."

We don’t hang on each other, looking back I find this funny. We met in between every class to see each other for just that brief 5 seconds and any other times I was too busy to notice that he was too busy with his friends to notice me.

Going Out

After the exciting homecoming dance it was up bright and early to go horseback riding with DH's family. I had been horseback riding since I was younger and even after my accident had never given it up. However, this would only be the second time that I had actually been on horseback riding trails, etc. Most of my riding was confined to fields and roadsides.

We loaded up my horse in the trailer and were off for the "park." DH and I rode in the morning and then in the afternoon we told his parents we were going to skip the afternoon ride and just hang out in "camp."

His dad had a large work van that we had used to pull the horse trailer and I remember that we were sitting on the bumper of the van with the back doors open. DH turned to me and said, so do you want to go out? It was as simple as that. I said yes and the deed was done.

Until we got married, this was always the day that we celebrated as our anniversary. We picked our wedding day as close to this day as we could. When we were married we had officially been "going out" for 7 years and 5 days. (With a few breakups along the way.)

Homecoming

So I went to the homecoming dance with some friends and DH went with my sister's friend. As most things were when I was in high school it was a night of drama. Two of my best friends were crying through most of the dance and I only got one dance with DH.

After the dance my sister's friend was spending the night with her so DH didn't have to take her home, or rather his mom didn't have to come pick them up since he didn't have a license. So DH decided to come home with me. Ooops. Talk about awkward.

We got home first and were sitting there on the couch talking with my parents when my sister and her friend walked in. So there I was with her date. Luckily it was late and DH left shortly there after and I went to bed.

Bonfire

As was the tradition at our school during homecoming week there was one night where there was a big bonfire. It was sort of a pep rally type of a thing. This was the night that my sister's friend found out about DH and I. I think up until this point she had thought that he was really taking her because he wanted to go with her, not because he just didn't have a date.

While I really wanted to be with DH I remember feeling kind of bad that night as I pulled out of the parking lot and saw her talking to my sister, all upset. When my sister got in the car she told me the story.

I'm pretty sure the words she used were not nice, as this was her friend and when we were in high school, I was not.

09/08/1996

Today was the day of mass confusion. I was still high on life from my first "date" with DH but really bummed that I would not be able to go to the homecoming dance with him. He had already agreed to go with my sister's friend and my mom told me that if he didn't go with her he wasn't going with me.

My mom didn't think that it was polite or appropriate for him to dump her a week before the dance simply because we had decided we wanted to "date." At the time I thought that was extremely unfair. Why should he have to go with her when we were going to be together. Now, I look back and fully understand the wisdom of my mother's choice.

I just wish that at that time I had thought about what kind of man he would be. If he was willing to leave his date hanging a week before the dance how reliable would he be for me? But I was 16, I was young and "falling in love" and that was the furthest thing from my mind.

I wrote in my journal that I was "so confused I just wanted to scream. Nothing was working out and DH ad I and whatever we have are stuck in the middle." What did we have? I had been to his house once? Why was I so "stuck??"

First "Date"

I ended up going to DH's mom's party. Of course I did. I remember when I arrived that there was no one there I knew. The party was a surprise so DH, his mom, dad and sister were out horseback riding.

Everyone else had gathered for the surprise for when they got home. So I just wandered around out back telling anyone that asked me that I was DH's friend and he had invited me and all the while trying to just blend in to the scenery.

FINALLY, DH and his family arrived. We yelled surprise and then it was time for the party to start. DH found me right away and we started to talk and of course flirt with each other. The party was out behind their house and so we headed up to the house and sat on the front porch swing.

Before long we were holding hands and then we started talking about the homecoming situation. We both liked each other but my sister's friend was in the picture. DH was, at that time, a smooth talker. He was much more experienced than me in the "sexual" arena having lost his virginity at 13 so he seemed to know all the "right" things to say to turn a girls head, so to speak.

He told me I was beautiful and gorgeous and then, by this point we had moved into the basement and were sitting on the couch, he ASKED if he could kiss me. For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. Him leaning in and asking if he could kiss me, me saying yes and us sharing that first tentative kiss.

I wrote in my journal that "his kisses were tender and with feeling." They reminded me of my impossible dream man (IDM). A man I had only kissed once but continue to dream about to this day. Perhaps that's why once I latched on to DH it was so hard to let go.

First Impression

It was this night, so many years ago that started everything. This night, this choice that changed the entire direction of my life.

I was a football manager for several weeks before DH approached me. We had a game on this night and he asked if I could give him a ride home. I knew he was a year younger than me and so I figured that he just didn't have his license yet.

Knowing that he lived only a few miles from me I agreed to take him home. We started talking on the way home and somehow, being the blunt person that I am, I directed the conversation to the phone call a few weeks prior.

I don't remember the exact words but somehow the conversation became about how he wanted to ask me but didn't know if I would say yes and me saying that I would have said yes if he would have just asked me.

And then we were stuck. The dance was in a week and he had already asked MB. It was like that torn teenage angst where we felt this pull to each other for some unknown reason but couldn't be together. You always want what you can't have right?

Either way, sitting in his driveway, he asked me to come to his mom's birthday party the next day. I remember seeing the invitation come in the mail but my parents were not close with his parents and we figured that the invitation was just a formality.

So, I told him I would talk to my mom and dad about it and let him know the next day. That choice, that decision to go, or not go, was my fork in the road. My journey down a totally different path in life.

Could it be?

We were in the hospital, visiting someone. I can't remember now who it was, possibly my grandma. I remember the phone ringing and my mom saying that it was DH asking to talk to my sister.

DH was a neighbor of ours. He lived about 5 miles away. We had ridden the bus with him for a few years and just recently I had spoken with him a few times during football practice. See this year, I had decided to be a football manager, a girl I knew in band was one and said they needed another one and asked if I would be willing to do it.

I had always liked football on some level and a guy that I dated in 1995 was in football so I remember watching him play, so I said yes.

I remember when my mom said that it was DH on the phone there was a part of me that was really hoping he was calling to ask ME to the homecoming dance. I had thought about asking him but I was too chicken to ask a boy to the dance. However, at that moment I realized that I really wanted him to ask me.

But it was not to be. Apparently, my sister had asked him to go with a friend of hers but he had told her no, said that he was asking a girl from another school. But apparently that had not worked out so he had called to get my sister's friend's number from my sister. This girl had liked him for a long time and since he didn't have a date he had decided to ask her. Why not me I kept thinking. But what could I do about it?

It's not like I had ever really talked to him much beyond saying hi. Let alone flirted with him or given him any reason to think I was interested. Oh well, I figured. I would just go with my friends as planned.

Pinky Swear

The summer after L and I broke up I started falling for the IDM (Impossible Dream Man) or otherwise known as the pinky swear man. To this day, if that man were to walk into my house and tell me he wanted to sleep with me I can't tell you that I wouldn't shuffle him straight up to my bedroom.

I don't know what it is about him, he's not particularly drop dead gorgeous and I know very little about him in the sense that you know someone you date but I would leave my whole life behind in a heartbeat for him.

That summer we were working together. I was 16 and he was 24 and I had decided that I needed to have him for my very own. Now once I make up my mind to something, I'm pretty hard to deter so I dropped hints MERCILESSLY for the entire month of June. Daring him to kiss me. Calling him a chicken because he wouldn't. Dressing as provocatively as I could given that we were doing manual labor.

Finally one day we were in a tack room and he closed the door. I thought for SURE that would be the day but at the last minute he said, I can't... your parents would kill me. So I razzed him. For the next 30 minutes or so until we got to another barn that we were loading at.

For the rest of my life that will stay with me. He kissed me and I felt like I was floating on air. He stopped, started to walk away, turned around and kissed me again. The ONLY physical contact we have had was on that one day and yet it is forever burned into my memory. I didn't write one single thing about it in my diary. Only that I pinky swore about something and just that phrase brings the whole day back.

Diary of a Sad Scared Teenager

01-04-96


"For the last day all me and L have done is fight."


01-08-96


"Today was our three month anniversary, we still spent most of the day fighting. It has been awful!!"


01-09-96


"We didn't fight today which is like a first in I don't know how long."


01-11-96


"I think I have just been stood up. L was supposed to be here to work on his research paper but hasn't shown up yet. We got in a fight after school today."


"He finally did come and we talked and made up AGAIN!! He didn't want to loose me and I don't want to lose him but I don't know what hurts worse, staying with all the fighting, or leaving and having a hole in my heart."


01-12-96


"Well M is here and I think we're in the process of fighting or something. It seems like that's all we do when she's here is fight. But when other people are here I fight with them so it must be me in which case I'm in trouble because I can never seem to say the right thing. I out to stop talking to people so I won't make them mad at me."


01-13-96


"L and I gto in another fight today over me insulting him which I really don't mean to do but do anyway. So I have to try hard not to do it so I won't make him mad cuz he says he's trying to change for me so I should at least be willing to try for the good of our relationship."


01-18-96


"I have to take some food to school because I have a feeling we'll do swing chior 5th hour and I need to have a little food in my stomach... BUT not too much cuz I need to loose back what I've gained."


01-26-96


"L and I had a major fight on Tuesday. We made up on Wednesday night so we're better now."


01-28-96


"The good news is I lost 2 inches off my waist. The bad news is I probably just gained it all back eating cinimon rolls. I feel awful about it. I mean I was already 1/2 a pound over to begin with."


02-01-96


"Depressed. What else can I write? I stepped on the scale yesterday night and I weighed 107. I about died."


02-06-96


"I'm so depressed I can't eat. I just kinda mope around and I thought about driving off the road on the way home tonight. It's gotten that bad. And the worst part is my parents think it's a big joke that they can laugh about. I don't think they can even comprehend depression"


02-18-96


"I've just majorly gone down hill. When I weighed myself this morning I weighed 103 1/2 which is good for me in my mind but all my bones stick out. M is in the hospital and I wish I was with her."


03-09-96


"I went to see Dr. E and he diagnozed me as anorexic and told me if I didn't get better he'd put me in Big City treatment center for a year. So I've been eating now but I'm going on a water diet tomorrow because I've eaten SOO much this weekend."


"On Tuesday the 5th we had History Fiar and I won!! But the bad news was that me and L fought all through it. It upset him so much that he didnt' come to school on Wednesday because he didn't want to face me. So that upset me and and so I got really pissed and upset and scratched at my wrists with a needle and fingernail clippers. But the 7th was our 5 month anniversary so we made up and everything which was really cool."


03-26-96


"Me and L have worked out almost all of our problems. It's been a very long time since we've had a fight. We've learned to talk things out. I guess maybe it's because he finally got strong and I got weak and it just works this way."


"I went to a meeting for people with eating disorders and I'm gonna go back next week. It was pretty cool and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one in the world with this problem."


04-09-96


"Well no more C the phychiotrist. My mom told me I'm making it all up and so I figure I don't need to go back if I'm find."


"Well the only bad part about being better is it means no more group. I love group and I hope I can go without it."


05-21-96


"Prom was kinda a drag cuz L had a fit but that's ok. I had a great time at after prom."