October 25, 1994
"I have to loose weight before the musical though because the four guys who are supposed to lift me up don't think they can because I weigh so much. When they told me that I about started bawling and I knew I needed to loose weight no matter what anyone told me."
I was 14 and probably all of about 115 lbs soaking wet. I look back now and I'm sure that these four burly guys were just joking with me, yet somehow I internalized it and took it to heart. The beginning of the spiral started right here with those few words.
Tuesday, October 25, 1994
Sunday, October 23, 1994
Taking on the Problems of the World
October 23, 1994
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
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