October 25, 1994
"I have to loose weight before the musical though because the four guys who are supposed to lift me up don't think they can because I weigh so much. When they told me that I about started bawling and I knew I needed to loose weight no matter what anyone told me."
I was 14 and probably all of about 115 lbs soaking wet. I look back now and I'm sure that these four burly guys were just joking with me, yet somehow I internalized it and took it to heart. The beginning of the spiral started right here with those few words.
Tuesday, October 25, 1994
Sunday, October 23, 1994
Taking on the Problems of the World
October 23, 1994
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"
I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.
February 2, 1995
"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.
Let's see where to I start?"
I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.
This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.
Wednesday, June 1, 1994
A in the Summer Time
As I sit here writing this I can hear the sounds of the summer night out my window. Summer nights make me think of A. A lives in Spain. He is one of my facebook friends but also a boy I "dated" for two or three summers when he was back visiting his aunt & uncle.
Summer time makes me think of him because I was always so excited when he would get back in town for a month. I waited a whole year just to hang out with him and his two sisters. Swimming in the pond, playing spin the bottle where they always rigged the game so him and I would end up kissing.
A carved his and my initials into a tree the first summer we met. That carving was there for several years although while he was gone there were other boys. Other "loves" of my life, he was the summer one. I would have boyfriends from September - May and then A in the summer.
Never alone, always on to the next one. Yet there was something magical about a boy from another country coming to see me, so excited to be back with me. Even if all we ever did was kiss over a game of spin the bottle.
Summer time makes me think of him because I was always so excited when he would get back in town for a month. I waited a whole year just to hang out with him and his two sisters. Swimming in the pond, playing spin the bottle where they always rigged the game so him and I would end up kissing.
A carved his and my initials into a tree the first summer we met. That carving was there for several years although while he was gone there were other boys. Other "loves" of my life, he was the summer one. I would have boyfriends from September - May and then A in the summer.
Never alone, always on to the next one. Yet there was something magical about a boy from another country coming to see me, so excited to be back with me. Even if all we ever did was kiss over a game of spin the bottle.
Monday, May 9, 1994
Hurting...
Monday, May 9, 1994
"Actually the thought of having a big illness sounds kind of fun. Then I'd actually get attention for once.
Basically that's the only reason I do most of the stuff I do. I'm insecure and so when i do stupid things people get worried and then I know they care. Kinda stupid, huh?"
"Everything (everyone else's lives) sounds so wonderful. To not have to live up to so many expectations and not be so isolated from the world!"
"Actually the thought of having a big illness sounds kind of fun. Then I'd actually get attention for once.
Basically that's the only reason I do most of the stuff I do. I'm insecure and so when i do stupid things people get worried and then I know they care. Kinda stupid, huh?"
"Everything (everyone else's lives) sounds so wonderful. To not have to live up to so many expectations and not be so isolated from the world!"
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