The first time I got DH a cell phone was in September of 2000. We were celebrating our 4 year anniversary and it was kind of my gift to him.
Since he had no credit it was sort of my gift to myself since it was in my name and I charged the setup cost and phone costs on my newest shinny piece of plastic I had acquired only days before.
The phone stayed with DH for all of a month and a half before it became the topic of heated debates.
Saturday, September 16, 2000
Monday, July 10, 2000
The Tattoo
DH had one tattoo. He got it over the summer. It was a tribal sun on his ankle that he showed up with one morning after a night of partying.
It was paid for by a girl he swears he didn't sleep with.
I remember it like it was yesterday. The anger, the sadness, the longing to believe that she was just a friend even when SIL told me that her friend had called asking if she was just a one night stand.
For the entire time we continued to date and were married the only thing that tattoo did for me was disgust me. Every time I saw it there was a rock in the pit of my stomach. And every time I asked DH to consider getting it removed he refused. I guess at that point I should have known where his respect for me was.
I lived for 8 1/2 years with a man who carried a mark of infidelity on his ankle. Something I never got over.
It was paid for by a girl he swears he didn't sleep with.
I remember it like it was yesterday. The anger, the sadness, the longing to believe that she was just a friend even when SIL told me that her friend had called asking if she was just a one night stand.
For the entire time we continued to date and were married the only thing that tattoo did for me was disgust me. Every time I saw it there was a rock in the pit of my stomach. And every time I asked DH to consider getting it removed he refused. I guess at that point I should have known where his respect for me was.
I lived for 8 1/2 years with a man who carried a mark of infidelity on his ankle. Something I never got over.
Tuesday, June 20, 2000
Oz Fest
Sometime in late June I got my first experience with DH's concert scene. Not first hand mind you but being left at home while he went to party. DH had a friend, RW and the two of them were known to get into trouble together.
Some how one of them came up with the brilliant idea to make a road trip to Apple River in WI to go to Oz Fest. I don't remember the exact conversation but I'm pretty sure there was yelling and crying and you can't go.
But in the end, he went. I knew it would be trouble. I already knew at this point I couldn't trust him although I don't think I realized to what extent. I had a hunch there would be drinking and drugs. I think the women part didn't really enter my mind until later.
Some how one of them came up with the brilliant idea to make a road trip to Apple River in WI to go to Oz Fest. I don't remember the exact conversation but I'm pretty sure there was yelling and crying and you can't go.
But in the end, he went. I knew it would be trouble. I already knew at this point I couldn't trust him although I don't think I realized to what extent. I had a hunch there would be drinking and drugs. I think the women part didn't really enter my mind until later.
Saturday, June 10, 2000
Money Matters
In June of 2000 DH and I were back to our usual fighting in all of it's glory. This particular day we were at his parents house. I had just gotten a new jeep, well new to me, the previous fall and at some point as we were arguing he got into it.
The details I don't remember the sound the door made as the jeep rolled backwards and it caught a tree I will never forget. The door was open and something had to give and it wasn't the tree.
I can still see it in my head, the wrinkle down the drivers side door. The horrible sound it made every time I tried to close it. I told my parents that the wind had caught it and sprung it. I didn't know how to tell them the truth.
Then I freaked out trying to figure out how to fix it. This was WAY more than wind damage and would actually require a new door. Something my parents would surely figure out if I turned it in to insurance.
So, one day, when a credit card offer came in the mail I applied. Then rather than charge the repairs on the card I took off cash. $900 to be exact to have someone fix the door. As I look back, I'm guessing perhaps this was friend of the DH's family who offered to do it for cheaper than paying a body shop. I don't know why else I would have paid with cash and not charge.
Either way, this moment in my life was the first, but certainly not the last, time that I began borrowing and charging to cover up the mistakes DH made. This moment when I chose to go in debt rather than tell the truth was a turning point down a long, steep, slippery slope.
The details I don't remember the sound the door made as the jeep rolled backwards and it caught a tree I will never forget. The door was open and something had to give and it wasn't the tree.
I can still see it in my head, the wrinkle down the drivers side door. The horrible sound it made every time I tried to close it. I told my parents that the wind had caught it and sprung it. I didn't know how to tell them the truth.
Then I freaked out trying to figure out how to fix it. This was WAY more than wind damage and would actually require a new door. Something my parents would surely figure out if I turned it in to insurance.
So, one day, when a credit card offer came in the mail I applied. Then rather than charge the repairs on the card I took off cash. $900 to be exact to have someone fix the door. As I look back, I'm guessing perhaps this was friend of the DH's family who offered to do it for cheaper than paying a body shop. I don't know why else I would have paid with cash and not charge.
Either way, this moment in my life was the first, but certainly not the last, time that I began borrowing and charging to cover up the mistakes DH made. This moment when I chose to go in debt rather than tell the truth was a turning point down a long, steep, slippery slope.
Sunday, June 4, 2000
Can't Stay Gone
As bad as I thought it was and as much as I figured we were over DH and I somehow found a way back to each other.
At this point MW had moved out, DH had moved out and so it was just me, alone in a two bedroom apartment. I put an add in the college paper and had a few people come look to sublet it. I finally settled on a nerdy graduate student named W.
After W moved in DH and I rekindled our relationship and by January we went on a trip to Disneyworld together. I don't remember a lot of the trip but I do have pictures and it appears that we were happy. That we had a good time.
Through out the winter and spring we took a couple more little trips like this. Just a few weekend excursions to try to make us feel like more of a real couple. One I remember specifically. It was May, we went up north to do a little shopping and a little fishing.
It was windy and much colder than it probably should have been. We didn't have a boat so we had to shore fish and DH was frustrated and pissed off. I remember just wanting to be done. Wanting to go home so I didn't have to deal with him anymore.
Then in June DH's grandfather passed away. All of his family had traveled the hour and a half to see him, be with him, except DH. He said that death bothered him, that he didn't want to go. So when his grandfather passed he was the only one that was not there. He did end up going up there for the funeral and I drove up on the day it was held.
His grandpa was cremated and I remember this was the first funeral I had ever been to where there wasn't a casket. There was a picture and a little box. I remember being really bothered by that little box, knowing that his grandpa was in it.
After the funeral I went outside to say my goodbyes before I headed home and I remember his dad pulling me aside and thanking me for coming. Thanking me for being there to support the family. I remember at the time and still even to this day finding that really strange. It was June of 2000. At this point I had been dating his son for almost four years. Why wouldn't I have been there?
At this point MW had moved out, DH had moved out and so it was just me, alone in a two bedroom apartment. I put an add in the college paper and had a few people come look to sublet it. I finally settled on a nerdy graduate student named W.
After W moved in DH and I rekindled our relationship and by January we went on a trip to Disneyworld together. I don't remember a lot of the trip but I do have pictures and it appears that we were happy. That we had a good time.
Through out the winter and spring we took a couple more little trips like this. Just a few weekend excursions to try to make us feel like more of a real couple. One I remember specifically. It was May, we went up north to do a little shopping and a little fishing.
It was windy and much colder than it probably should have been. We didn't have a boat so we had to shore fish and DH was frustrated and pissed off. I remember just wanting to be done. Wanting to go home so I didn't have to deal with him anymore.
Then in June DH's grandfather passed away. All of his family had traveled the hour and a half to see him, be with him, except DH. He said that death bothered him, that he didn't want to go. So when his grandfather passed he was the only one that was not there. He did end up going up there for the funeral and I drove up on the day it was held.
His grandpa was cremated and I remember this was the first funeral I had ever been to where there wasn't a casket. There was a picture and a little box. I remember being really bothered by that little box, knowing that his grandpa was in it.
After the funeral I went outside to say my goodbyes before I headed home and I remember his dad pulling me aside and thanking me for coming. Thanking me for being there to support the family. I remember at the time and still even to this day finding that really strange. It was June of 2000. At this point I had been dating his son for almost four years. Why wouldn't I have been there?
Wednesday, October 20, 1999
The Final Straw
It is late. Eleven, midnight, one. I am not sure now. We are standing in the parking lot of a gas station. The gas station is closed and DH is on a pay phone. I am about 300 feet away from him just standing, watching, waiting.
There has been another fight. His bag is packed. He is waiting on his mom. She is coming to take him home for the last time.
I do not remember what the fight was about. I do not remember if I yelled at him to go or begged him to stay. I just remember standing there, in the cold, watching his mom pick him up and them drive away. I remember walking the block back to the apartment in tears. Tired and defeated thinking that this was the end. This time he was never coming back.
There has been another fight. His bag is packed. He is waiting on his mom. She is coming to take him home for the last time.
I do not remember what the fight was about. I do not remember if I yelled at him to go or begged him to stay. I just remember standing there, in the cold, watching his mom pick him up and them drive away. I remember walking the block back to the apartment in tears. Tired and defeated thinking that this was the end. This time he was never coming back.
Saturday, October 2, 1999
Choosing DH
After the domestic DH moved out and back in with his parents. More out of necessity than anything else as there was a mandatory no contact order issued because it was a domestic. However, as soon as I could I started working to get the no contact order lifted and then I started working with his big fancy lawyer that his parents had hired to try to get him out of the charges.
During all of this MW had made it very clear that she did not want him returning to the apartment. That if he came back she was moving out. This was the first time I was asked to choose between him and someone else and the first time I picked him. I made excuses but at the end of the day I still picked him.
She wasn't working and he had a job in our town that he was having to drive 45 minutes to and from every day. So I used that as the reason he needed to come back. It was lame and a cop out but I did it just the same. So somewhere in the beginning of October she moved all of her things back to her parents house and DH moved back in.
During all of this MW had made it very clear that she did not want him returning to the apartment. That if he came back she was moving out. This was the first time I was asked to choose between him and someone else and the first time I picked him. I made excuses but at the end of the day I still picked him.
She wasn't working and he had a job in our town that he was having to drive 45 minutes to and from every day. So I used that as the reason he needed to come back. It was lame and a cop out but I did it just the same. So somewhere in the beginning of October she moved all of her things back to her parents house and DH moved back in.
Saturday, September 18, 1999
The Domestic
**This is verbatim from the statement I gave to police. Most of it I don't remember but it gives you an idea as to how dysfunctional we were and how crazy this disease made me. I'm sorry it's so long. I was very wordy....**
It all started in my bedroom. DH cam in and told me he had decided that he didn't want to go to a movie. I got upset and told him that I was getting ready and that he was going with me. He went to leave the room and I stood in front of him so he sat on the bed. After talking for a few minutes he told me to get ready and we would go and he went into the living room.
While curling my hair I heard the front door close and footsteps on the stairs. So I ran from my room to the stairwell and down the stairs and I caught him at the bottom of the stairwell and asked where he was going. He said to get a cigarette and he promised to come back so I went back into the apartment.
I continued to curl my hair and DH came back up and went out onto the deck to smoke. After a few minutes he came back to the bedroom and said I really don't want to go. I told him that he promised and he got mad and said whatever and stomped into the living room. I then heard the door open again and I sprinted for it. He was on his way down the stairs and I tried to stop him numerous times but couldn't. Finally at the bottom of the stairs I got in front of the door and told him to go upstairs. He told me that he wanted to leave and I said he needed to go upstairs. He tried to move me but I held on to the door knob so he stomped back upstairs and sat in the living room.
Back upstairs I was getting really mad and so was he. Every time he would get up I would go stand in front of the door. It was that this point that MW came over and started bitching about him. She said, "Well just tell him to go to hell and you can come with me. He's an asshole you should just come out with me." Well this made DH mad and he came over and told her to stay out of it and that we shouldn't be talking behind his back. I told him we weren't and that I just wasn't leaving because I had to stay and babysit him because he has promised to do something with me so he was going to, whether it was at a movie or sitting in the apartment all night.
By this point he was pretty angry. MW headed towards the bathroom to finish getting ready and DH went into the living room and sat down. I went in to talk to him and sat in another chair. We talked for a little bit and then he got up to leave and I ran to get in front of him. I tried to shove him and he tried to get to the door without hurting me. We kind of wrestled for placement a little and somehow I ended up in front of him. I grabbed on to the doorknob and he tried to move me. He then looked at me and said, "You better move because I don't want to hurt you." I didn't move so he tried to move me again and couldn't. He then said, "Move, I don't want to hurt you." and I said, "Go ahead because I'm not moving." However the next time he tried to move me I let go of the doorknob so the added force he used sent me flying across the kitchen. I was so mad I went after him and jumped on his back and hit him on the back of the head.
He was a wrestler so he swung me around into sort of a headlock and tried to get me to go back into the apartment. I stumbled and he looked at me and said you better be careful, you don't want to fall down the stairs. I said I didn't care and he went back inside. Then MW decided to get involved. I told him that I wanted him to go and get anything he had brought with him (because he was supposed to spend the night) and get out.
{{Interjecting briefly here... he lived with us... but I was trying to convince the police he didn't so they would drop the domestic charge. I was hoping they would see that both of us were crazy and that he didn't live there so it couldn't be domestic. I think the crazy part is well established....}}
He said he would come back for it later and I told him he wouldn't and that I wanted the key he had to the apartment. He took it off of the key chain and threw it across the apartment. MW went and got it and picked up the phone and set the key on the counter.
He went to leave and I was in too much of a shocked state to stop him but then I ran after him. He went to his car and I followed telling him he didn't need to leave and that he needed to go get any clothes he brought because I didn't want him to come back. He got into the car and started it and I reached for the keys and he pushed me away. I then jumped into the car as he was backing it. My body was behind him and my legs were out the door but he wouldn't stop. I guess he must have hit the other car then because he stopped and pulled forward. He then got out and I grabbed his keys. that's when he grabbed my arms and swung me into the other car in an attempt to get his keys back. He tried to pry them from my hand and said you better give me my keys so I don't hurt you.
At this point I thought he might hit me so I told MW (who was standing at the bottom of the stairs) that if he touched me she needed to call the police. So he walked away from me towards her and told her if she called he'd hurt her. So I put the keys in my pocket, locked the car and shut the door. I then walked past him and past MW and up to the apartment. MW followed and then DH. She tried to shut the door but he came in. I went and sat on the couch because I was in shock. DH came to talk to me and I wasn't scared of him. he asked me for his keys but I didn't give them to him. He then headed for the bathroom and I followed. He tried to use the phone but I unplugged it saying it was my phone. He then got a phone out of the closet that he had given me and tried to use it and I wouldn't let him so he went to the closet to put it away and I went into the bathroom.
The next thing I know I heard him yell, "If I can't take my car I'll take yours." And so I ran after him and he said give me my keys and I refused so he headed towards my car down the stairs and I got in front of him and he just looked defeated and set my keys on the stairs and walked past me.
He walked through the parking lot and was on his way to a pay phone when the police arrived. The house key he had he must have grabbed on the way out with my keys.
**************************************
Wow.... it has been a good 5 - 7 years since I have read that story and just reading it now makes me cringe. That, right there, is how DH and I continued to fight for the remainder of our relationship. He would try to leave I would threaten, cry, scream, take away keys, anything to get him to stay.
In the end he was physically violent with me but over 50% of the time there was a chance to walk away before it happened and I didn't take it.
It all started in my bedroom. DH cam in and told me he had decided that he didn't want to go to a movie. I got upset and told him that I was getting ready and that he was going with me. He went to leave the room and I stood in front of him so he sat on the bed. After talking for a few minutes he told me to get ready and we would go and he went into the living room.
While curling my hair I heard the front door close and footsteps on the stairs. So I ran from my room to the stairwell and down the stairs and I caught him at the bottom of the stairwell and asked where he was going. He said to get a cigarette and he promised to come back so I went back into the apartment.
I continued to curl my hair and DH came back up and went out onto the deck to smoke. After a few minutes he came back to the bedroom and said I really don't want to go. I told him that he promised and he got mad and said whatever and stomped into the living room. I then heard the door open again and I sprinted for it. He was on his way down the stairs and I tried to stop him numerous times but couldn't. Finally at the bottom of the stairs I got in front of the door and told him to go upstairs. He told me that he wanted to leave and I said he needed to go upstairs. He tried to move me but I held on to the door knob so he stomped back upstairs and sat in the living room.
Back upstairs I was getting really mad and so was he. Every time he would get up I would go stand in front of the door. It was that this point that MW came over and started bitching about him. She said, "Well just tell him to go to hell and you can come with me. He's an asshole you should just come out with me." Well this made DH mad and he came over and told her to stay out of it and that we shouldn't be talking behind his back. I told him we weren't and that I just wasn't leaving because I had to stay and babysit him because he has promised to do something with me so he was going to, whether it was at a movie or sitting in the apartment all night.
By this point he was pretty angry. MW headed towards the bathroom to finish getting ready and DH went into the living room and sat down. I went in to talk to him and sat in another chair. We talked for a little bit and then he got up to leave and I ran to get in front of him. I tried to shove him and he tried to get to the door without hurting me. We kind of wrestled for placement a little and somehow I ended up in front of him. I grabbed on to the doorknob and he tried to move me. He then looked at me and said, "You better move because I don't want to hurt you." I didn't move so he tried to move me again and couldn't. He then said, "Move, I don't want to hurt you." and I said, "Go ahead because I'm not moving." However the next time he tried to move me I let go of the doorknob so the added force he used sent me flying across the kitchen. I was so mad I went after him and jumped on his back and hit him on the back of the head.
He was a wrestler so he swung me around into sort of a headlock and tried to get me to go back into the apartment. I stumbled and he looked at me and said you better be careful, you don't want to fall down the stairs. I said I didn't care and he went back inside. Then MW decided to get involved. I told him that I wanted him to go and get anything he had brought with him (because he was supposed to spend the night) and get out.
{{Interjecting briefly here... he lived with us... but I was trying to convince the police he didn't so they would drop the domestic charge. I was hoping they would see that both of us were crazy and that he didn't live there so it couldn't be domestic. I think the crazy part is well established....}}
He said he would come back for it later and I told him he wouldn't and that I wanted the key he had to the apartment. He took it off of the key chain and threw it across the apartment. MW went and got it and picked up the phone and set the key on the counter.
He went to leave and I was in too much of a shocked state to stop him but then I ran after him. He went to his car and I followed telling him he didn't need to leave and that he needed to go get any clothes he brought because I didn't want him to come back. He got into the car and started it and I reached for the keys and he pushed me away. I then jumped into the car as he was backing it. My body was behind him and my legs were out the door but he wouldn't stop. I guess he must have hit the other car then because he stopped and pulled forward. He then got out and I grabbed his keys. that's when he grabbed my arms and swung me into the other car in an attempt to get his keys back. He tried to pry them from my hand and said you better give me my keys so I don't hurt you.
At this point I thought he might hit me so I told MW (who was standing at the bottom of the stairs) that if he touched me she needed to call the police. So he walked away from me towards her and told her if she called he'd hurt her. So I put the keys in my pocket, locked the car and shut the door. I then walked past him and past MW and up to the apartment. MW followed and then DH. She tried to shut the door but he came in. I went and sat on the couch because I was in shock. DH came to talk to me and I wasn't scared of him. he asked me for his keys but I didn't give them to him. He then headed for the bathroom and I followed. He tried to use the phone but I unplugged it saying it was my phone. He then got a phone out of the closet that he had given me and tried to use it and I wouldn't let him so he went to the closet to put it away and I went into the bathroom.
The next thing I know I heard him yell, "If I can't take my car I'll take yours." And so I ran after him and he said give me my keys and I refused so he headed towards my car down the stairs and I got in front of him and he just looked defeated and set my keys on the stairs and walked past me.
He walked through the parking lot and was on his way to a pay phone when the police arrived. The house key he had he must have grabbed on the way out with my keys.
**************************************
Wow.... it has been a good 5 - 7 years since I have read that story and just reading it now makes me cringe. That, right there, is how DH and I continued to fight for the remainder of our relationship. He would try to leave I would threaten, cry, scream, take away keys, anything to get him to stay.
In the end he was physically violent with me but over 50% of the time there was a chance to walk away before it happened and I didn't take it.
Friday, September 10, 1999
The Party
I'm not a partier. I have never been a partier. I did not attend a single party during my high school days and during college I went to one and only one party. I remember vividly trying to fit into DH's life. He was living with me now and I desperately wanted to try to be that happy couple I had been dreaming of.
So one weekend he decided to take me to a party with his new friend D. I'm guessing he figured this would be a mild party for me to get brought into. I can remember the row of "apartments" we went to that looked like storage sheds from the outside. I can remember the one that they told me not to get to close to, it was guarded by a big dog. In my head I have a vision of something off of the Sandlot but I think that was just in my head. I'm not sure I ever saw this killer dog.
Once I was inside this "apartment" (and I use that term loosely) I began looking around and immediately judging what I was seeing. It was small and not well taken care of. The people at this party were making crude druggie jokes. At one point there was a story told about C's little sister and how they could say to her that it was 3:20 and she knew that meant she had to go to the other room so they could get high.
It was at that point I felt trapped. I wanted to run for the door but I didn't want to seem uncool. I desperately wanted to fit in to DH's world so I could be a part of it but I felt horribly uncomfortable and out of place.
After a little while longer one of the guys said something and then they all headed upstairs. The gist of it was that they were going upstairs to get high. Thinking back on this I kick myself. I knew they were going upstairs to get high. Yet, I stood there and did nothing. Just allowed it to happen. This is what happens at parties I told myself. Be the cool girlfriend. Act like it's no big deal. Be a part of his world.
In the 13 years I was with DH I never once saw him do drugs. This night was no exception. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. After about 20 - 30 minutes he came back downstairs and we acted as if everything was cool.
So one weekend he decided to take me to a party with his new friend D. I'm guessing he figured this would be a mild party for me to get brought into. I can remember the row of "apartments" we went to that looked like storage sheds from the outside. I can remember the one that they told me not to get to close to, it was guarded by a big dog. In my head I have a vision of something off of the Sandlot but I think that was just in my head. I'm not sure I ever saw this killer dog.
Once I was inside this "apartment" (and I use that term loosely) I began looking around and immediately judging what I was seeing. It was small and not well taken care of. The people at this party were making crude druggie jokes. At one point there was a story told about C's little sister and how they could say to her that it was 3:20 and she knew that meant she had to go to the other room so they could get high.
It was at that point I felt trapped. I wanted to run for the door but I didn't want to seem uncool. I desperately wanted to fit in to DH's world so I could be a part of it but I felt horribly uncomfortable and out of place.
After a little while longer one of the guys said something and then they all headed upstairs. The gist of it was that they were going upstairs to get high. Thinking back on this I kick myself. I knew they were going upstairs to get high. Yet, I stood there and did nothing. Just allowed it to happen. This is what happens at parties I told myself. Be the cool girlfriend. Act like it's no big deal. Be a part of his world.
In the 13 years I was with DH I never once saw him do drugs. This night was no exception. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. After about 20 - 30 minutes he came back downstairs and we acted as if everything was cool.
Thursday, September 2, 1999
Finding Them
When DH moved in with me I guess I thought moving to a new town would force him to find new people. This is something that happens a lot in the program. People think a relocation will change things, make them better. But it doesn't.
As soon as DH moved in he set about finding a job. The first job he found was as a chef in a restaurant. Unfortunately they had him working the night shift which he didn't like. He says it was because he never got to see me but I'm guessing it has more to do with him not getting to see his friends.
After about a week or two he ended up quiting that job and finding a job for a landscaping company mowing lawns. Within the first week of that job he had found a new group of druggies to hang out with. D worked with him and his girlfriend C was also into it.
I remember at one point having a conversation with DH, one I have also had with several people in the program regarding finding these people. How do they find them? How do you know to just walk up to someone and ask them about illegal drugs?
Regardless of how he did it, he did it and thus began the same old ways just in a new location.
As soon as DH moved in he set about finding a job. The first job he found was as a chef in a restaurant. Unfortunately they had him working the night shift which he didn't like. He says it was because he never got to see me but I'm guessing it has more to do with him not getting to see his friends.
After about a week or two he ended up quiting that job and finding a job for a landscaping company mowing lawns. Within the first week of that job he had found a new group of druggies to hang out with. D worked with him and his girlfriend C was also into it.
I remember at one point having a conversation with DH, one I have also had with several people in the program regarding finding these people. How do they find them? How do you know to just walk up to someone and ask them about illegal drugs?
Regardless of how he did it, he did it and thus began the same old ways just in a new location.
Sunday, August 15, 1999
The Apartment
Despite the fighting and the uncertainty somewhere along the line DH and I decide that it is a good idea to move in together. We find a two bedroom apartment and my best friend MW and I sign the lease.
The idea is that DH will live there and we will split the rent three ways but he will not be on the lease for... well I'm not quite sure what the rational was here. It is quite possible that MW and I got the apartment and DH decided to live with us later.
Either way we got the apartment on August 15th. We told my parents DH would be moving in with us about August 10th. My dad's response was there are only two bedrooms, where will he sleep?
I think they thought it was a bad idea right from the start but they never told me no. Maybe because I was 19 and they thought I would rebel. Maybe because they never realized just how bad it was. I'm not sure but I really wish they would have.
The idea is that DH will live there and we will split the rent three ways but he will not be on the lease for... well I'm not quite sure what the rational was here. It is quite possible that MW and I got the apartment and DH decided to live with us later.
Either way we got the apartment on August 15th. We told my parents DH would be moving in with us about August 10th. My dad's response was there are only two bedrooms, where will he sleep?
I think they thought it was a bad idea right from the start but they never told me no. Maybe because I was 19 and they thought I would rebel. Maybe because they never realized just how bad it was. I'm not sure but I really wish they would have.
Tuesday, July 20, 1999
Done?
How do you know when you've fallen out of love with someone? He called last night alright, promised to see me this afternoon then cancelled to be with D the scum from hell.
I saw him, for a minute and I know he'd been drinking and probably smoking pot. I don't know what it's like not to love DH, but if it's possible that's probably where I'm at.
Everyone wants him to live with me and I just want to forget he ever exhisted. I can't say I hate him, but right now I dispise him.
Everything he does makes me sick! I'm in a three-year relationship with a man I don't know and never see.
I can't call him because I just left him fifteen min ago and he said he's call me when he got home. That could be 11:30 for all I know!
I think I will always lover him but I'm am not in love with him anymore and I don't know if we can get that back.
God I hate my life!!
I saw him, for a minute and I know he'd been drinking and probably smoking pot. I don't know what it's like not to love DH, but if it's possible that's probably where I'm at.
Everyone wants him to live with me and I just want to forget he ever exhisted. I can't say I hate him, but right now I dispise him.
Everything he does makes me sick! I'm in a three-year relationship with a man I don't know and never see.
I can't call him because I just left him fifteen min ago and he said he's call me when he got home. That could be 11:30 for all I know!
I think I will always lover him but I'm am not in love with him anymore and I don't know if we can get that back.
God I hate my life!!
Thursday, July 8, 1999
M&D's Wedding
D had been my friend since I was in high school. In July she got married to M. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time I had ever been in a wedding and I was pretty excited about it.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
Monday, July 5, 1999
Trip to MO
For July 4th we decided to go down to Lake of the Ozarks in MO. I remember that my parents didn't want us to go and I remember pulling the I am 19 and we are going to stay with family it will be fine card.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
Sunday, May 2, 1999
Happy Birthday
Somewhere along the way I learned that my birthday and any other should be important day (i.e. anniversary, valentine's day, etc.) was just another way for me to be disappointed. The first one I remember was either when I turned 17 or 18. I went to look for him because he was not at his house and found him down this long lane by his house smoking pot with this kid.
He tried to blow it off like it was nothing and handed me a card. A card and a red rose from Hy-Vee purchased on his way home. That was what I was getting for every major occasion. With out fail.
The year I turned 19 he added something to the mix. Instead of just the normal disappointment he got a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia and underage possession of alcohol.
Happy Birthday to me...
He tried to blow it off like it was nothing and handed me a card. A card and a red rose from Hy-Vee purchased on his way home. That was what I was getting for every major occasion. With out fail.
The year I turned 19 he added something to the mix. Instead of just the normal disappointment he got a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia and underage possession of alcohol.
Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, February 16, 1999
Compromising My Values
Sometime in early 1999 my main focus turned to keeping DH around. At this point I had invested over two years in this relationship and I sort of felt like I had to keep him around. Every time he got in a fight with his parents I would get a guilt trip from them about how I was so good for him and he would be so much worse without me.
Somewhere along the line I decided that it was my job to try to save him. And to do that, I had to compromise some of the values I had. The first time I wrote about it was as follows:
I guess things are slowly getting better, but he still does pot at parties. I don't know what to do about that. It REALLY bothers me, but according to him its no worse than drinking and my father drinks, so what can I say about that?
Always, a justification. Always a reason why it was ok, in that instance. Somewhere in early 1999 I had also convinced myself that when he graduated from high school we were going to move in together. It was all part of my plan. The plan to save him. Marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after.
But... not with him... with the guy I wanted him to be. The very next paragraph in my journal shows that very obviously:
All I know is that if we live together next year I WILL NOT have that shit in my house. And with the way his parents and him have been getting along that may be more of a possibility.
Looking back now I wonder why I didn't see it. That perhaps there was a reason he was not getting along with his parents. That perhaps I should open my eyes instead of blaming them and see the real problem which was him.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda I suppose....
Somewhere along the line I decided that it was my job to try to save him. And to do that, I had to compromise some of the values I had. The first time I wrote about it was as follows:
I guess things are slowly getting better, but he still does pot at parties. I don't know what to do about that. It REALLY bothers me, but according to him its no worse than drinking and my father drinks, so what can I say about that?
Always, a justification. Always a reason why it was ok, in that instance. Somewhere in early 1999 I had also convinced myself that when he graduated from high school we were going to move in together. It was all part of my plan. The plan to save him. Marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after.
But... not with him... with the guy I wanted him to be. The very next paragraph in my journal shows that very obviously:
All I know is that if we live together next year I WILL NOT have that shit in my house. And with the way his parents and him have been getting along that may be more of a possibility.
Looking back now I wonder why I didn't see it. That perhaps there was a reason he was not getting along with his parents. That perhaps I should open my eyes instead of blaming them and see the real problem which was him.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda I suppose....
Sunday, November 15, 1998
The Beginning of the Violence
I'm at DH's house. His sister and her new boyfriend are sitting in the sun room. DH and I are arguing. We always argue. This time it's about what it is always about. He wants to go with his friends, I want him to spend time with me.
He doesn't have a car. I'm not sure if it has been taken from him or if it is just in the shop but at the moment I am his ride and I'm not doing what he wants. He wants me to take him to a friend's house and I want him to stay here and "talk with me."
He grabs the house phone, this is before he has a cell phone, and heads for his bedroom to call a friend. I threaten him, I yell I scream and yet he locks the door so I can't get in. So I tell him I'm going to unplug the phone in the kitchen (it's a cordless). This is my standard protocol. Yell, scream and threaten. Anything I can to control the situation.
I turn around and head for the kitchen. I come around the island and just as I am reaching for the phone cord I hear footsteps behind me. He is yelling and running at me and the next thing I know I am airborne. I sail for a good 20 - 30 feet from the kitchen over the dinning area and land in the mud room next to the back door.
His sister and her boyfriend are stunned. I am in shock. He has never touched me before and now this. I don't know what to do. He retreats to his bedroom and I begin to cry. I'm just sitting there on the floor, pretty convinced that my tailbone is broken and not sure what the hell to do next.
Eventually, his sister and her boyfriend emerge from the sun room. They ask if I am ok and I weakly tell them yes and then I get up and head for my car. Like a dog with its tail between its legs I retreat. I'm not angry, I'm sad and embarrassed. I feel like I did something wrong.
He doesn't have a car. I'm not sure if it has been taken from him or if it is just in the shop but at the moment I am his ride and I'm not doing what he wants. He wants me to take him to a friend's house and I want him to stay here and "talk with me."
He grabs the house phone, this is before he has a cell phone, and heads for his bedroom to call a friend. I threaten him, I yell I scream and yet he locks the door so I can't get in. So I tell him I'm going to unplug the phone in the kitchen (it's a cordless). This is my standard protocol. Yell, scream and threaten. Anything I can to control the situation.
I turn around and head for the kitchen. I come around the island and just as I am reaching for the phone cord I hear footsteps behind me. He is yelling and running at me and the next thing I know I am airborne. I sail for a good 20 - 30 feet from the kitchen over the dinning area and land in the mud room next to the back door.
His sister and her boyfriend are stunned. I am in shock. He has never touched me before and now this. I don't know what to do. He retreats to his bedroom and I begin to cry. I'm just sitting there on the floor, pretty convinced that my tailbone is broken and not sure what the hell to do next.
Eventually, his sister and her boyfriend emerge from the sun room. They ask if I am ok and I weakly tell them yes and then I get up and head for my car. Like a dog with its tail between its legs I retreat. I'm not angry, I'm sad and embarrassed. I feel like I did something wrong.
Saturday, November 7, 1998
Mother or Girlfriend?
We'll see if he can get a job. He had one, for three weeks, which he quit/got fired from. So, he's been one week without and he better get one soon or I will not be happy.
Wednesday, October 21, 1998
Temper, Temper
By October of 1998 I was already doing everything I could to avoid DH's temper. I wrote in my journal that:
I'm so afraid to bring it up though. I'm not ready to fight with him again. A lot of things scare me. We need to talk so badly, but it scares me. I hate his temper and it seems I'll do anything to stay away from it.
From this point forward my life became about walking on egg shells and the HUGE arguments that ensued when I just couldn't do it any more. Every time I would let things fester and then it would be one giant blow up. Right from the beginning I didn't want to make him mad, never realizing that not speaking up would make things much, much worse.
I'm so afraid to bring it up though. I'm not ready to fight with him again. A lot of things scare me. We need to talk so badly, but it scares me. I hate his temper and it seems I'll do anything to stay away from it.
From this point forward my life became about walking on egg shells and the HUGE arguments that ensued when I just couldn't do it any more. Every time I would let things fester and then it would be one giant blow up. Right from the beginning I didn't want to make him mad, never realizing that not speaking up would make things much, much worse.
Tuesday, October 20, 1998
Once a Cheater...
The second time DH cheated on me, that I know of, was in October of 1998. I don't remember a thing about this incident other than the fact that it is written in my journal. Looking back I find that the most depressing part. That this had become such old hat that it doesn't even warrant a memory in my brain.
So, once again, I will quote verbatim from the journal:
Well, my life has become confusing again. On the 10th DH broke up with me. On the 9th he cheated on me. So I guess on the 10th I broke up with him. Then on Sunday the 18th he called me and begged my forgiveness. Then, I went to see him (which I probably shouldn't have) and now I haven't talked to him since.
I told him I wasn't ready to take him back full time yet. That I had to gain a lot of trust in him and that I had to get the musical out of the way. So now I wonder if he's thinking, hey I got the best of both worlds. I have her and anyone else I want.
Which is NOT what I want at all. I want him to be faithful. He can't prove I can trust him if he can't do that. So now I don't know what to do. I love him but I no longer want to be treated like shit.
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