Why?

I have been struggling for two days to find the time, energy, sanity, and most of all words to explain to you what this site does for me. I know that some of you are questioning how it could be good for my psyche to come here and rehash all of the things that happened to me in the past.

The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:




--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.

That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.

When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.

But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.

I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.

But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.