Panic

It's happening again. I'm sitting at my desk working away and now all of the sudden I can't breathe. WTF?? There is no stress happening right now. I wasn't even thinking about anything and now it feels like my chest is going to explode. Who does this?? How is this normal??

The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.

It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.

The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.

It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.

Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.

I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.

While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.

They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.

So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!

All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:

8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.

9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)

3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."

4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."

4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."

Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....

9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.

10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.

10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.

4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."

4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.

And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.

This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."

So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?

When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.

I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.

GOD... it NEVER ends....