Everyone said it would happen. The divorce would be final and there would be a moment of sadness, regret or just let down. I didn't believe any of them. I was SOO glad to be rid of DH that I didn't think I would ever feel anything but elation.
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
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6 comments:
Not because of this post, but I get the impression that you have a hard time dealing with change. Not that you don't do it. You're probably thinking to yourself that I'm crazy and you're life has been flipped-turned upside down (fresh prince of belaire to date myself) what more change can you take? But there's other aspects of it.
Of course you don't miss the marriage the way it was. Of course you're happy you're free. But embracing that change, letting go of the past... That's a different story.
I'll be honest, I check your page daily for updates. Its almost like a good soap opera you can't let go of. I love that you come here and write and while the story sucks, I can't help but to come back looking for more of the story. Maybe you need answers. Maybe you need to beat yourself up for bad decisions you made. I don't know why you won't let the past stay where it is, but you won't.
I know you've said before that it helps you. How? Does reading through old journals, reliving the memories, re-feeling the pain, watching youself make bad choices years later... How in the Hell can that help you?
There is not a thing you can do to change your past. You chose a man like DH. You suffered through it, wouldn't let go of him, in fact dug your innocent talons in deep to try to make him better. To be blunt, you failed miserably. Look where it got you. Years of unhappiness, pain, heartache... But when you finally see the light, you do the same thing to youself in regards to the past. You won't let go, in fact you spend night after night writing about it, analyzing it, reliving it, as if you can fix it!
(Here is where I would normally call you by name), let go! Release yourself! Be free and happy! A day or 2 of sadness is normal after a divorce, especially after a relationship as traumatic as yours. But why put yourself through the ringers?
My honest take on the entire thing- stop. Find a way (violent if you may--i suggest a bon fire) to get rid of the bad memories. To be honest, I suggest taking all of your journals (save any super super important entries like when a friend or family member passed away or happy ones that make you smile) add in anything that you can afford to replace that reminds you of him (shirts you got pics taken together in, a twist tie he made a make shift ring out of, old movie stubs) and on your wedding anniversary, burn it all. Close down this site (as sad aas I am to see it go) and release your demons. Its kind of like a smoking addiction, if you keep a spare pack, you will light one up eventually. Get rid of it while you can. Complete the entire change of starting over, embrace the new single mom you, and be FREE. Do gie yourself some time to grieve, it is necessary, but pick a quitting date and do it!
Just give us notice to grieve the loss of our addiction, too!
That's this weeks advice I will add your fee to the bill :)
It's all so hard sometimes. I'm sorry.
After years of therapy looking back at the past I do have to agree that it was never helpful and that it only fueled my depression. I had one therapist who, when I told her about my childhood, would literally clasp her bosom and gasp, "Oh you poor thing!" Now you would think that some empathy would have been helpful but all that it served to do was make me think, "Yeah. My childhood was pretty f***ed up!" Then I went to a therapist who just told me it was me thinking about things wrong and that I should just look at how great I had turned out in spite of my hardships." That was a little more helpful - it got me to the point of being strong enough to divorce a mentally and verbally abusive alcoholic but...it wasn't until I found my current therapist and something called ACT Therapy that focused on acceptance that I have found inner peace. I could write on and on about it (and I know I've already shared a little bit and you've read some of it on my private blog) but essentially it is about acknowledging all of your emotions, observing them (how do they feel physically? What sort of thoughts go through your head?, etc) and allowing yourself to think, "Okay. I'm feeling sad. I generally feel that way when I think about all the years I spent with DH. When I feel sad I usually feel [heavy, sleepy, antsy, whatever the case may be]. And then the emotion passes. By trying to fight it a person only serves to make it stronger. There is a great example in the ACT workbook (called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life") where they took about a "Bright Yellow Jeep" and you go through an exercise where you write down how many times you have thought about a bright yellow jeep in the past week (zero, I'm guessing) and then you spend 10 minutes actively trying to think about ANYTHING other than a bright yellow jeep and then 10 minutes thinking about anything you want. Part of the point being is that when we try to suppress thoughts we can do so as long as we actively focus on it BUT when our minds are forced to do all the other things that it must in order to work, be a parent, etc. we can't maintain the energy required to suppress the thought. Well...I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough but maybe you get the picture enough to consider looking at this workbook?
And in terms of the sadness...yes, I get that...for a long time (less so now) I had this deep sadness for the fact that my marriage did not turn out as I planned - definitely a sense of loss of the life I had planned for myself.
And to my fellow armchair therapist...if you are so inclined to check out another private blog I will share (assuming the author of this site assures me you are not a member of my former husband's family :-)
I'm probably just crazy, but I don't think (she's) ever allowed herself/been able to look back and process everything she's been through, from the flipside. It's traumatic what she went through. That probably sounds too dramatic, but it really was. Abuse. Traumatic. Doesn't matter if she should have gotten out, could or couldn't have gotten out. Fact is, she lived through all of that. For all of those years. Anyone who survives some type of trauma, (car accident, sexual abuse, abuse etc.) will likely be healthiest in the end by talking it through with someone. Therapist, trusted friend, clergy. It needs to be made heads or tails of. It needs to be processed and filed away. (She) has years and years of this to process from a vantage point of being out of it now. Possibly this is her place to talk it all out safely. Everyone is different, and that is completely ok. It's all lovely and good and wonderful to say "put it away now". How convenient if feelings could be just put away. Irrational worries, sleepless nights, patterns of behaviour in new relationships that might sneak up on her. Loss can hurt badly. It might appear that she lost a lot of trouble when the divorce was over. She also lost a struggle she'd fought for years and years. Her intention in that struggle was not bad. Her actions and decisions can be criticized by all, and most of all herself looking back. There are lessons to be learned, and mistakes to never repeat. That's what looking back gives her. From her newly rational standpoint. However her intention was never bad. Her intention was to save a life. Of someone she loved. She tried and tried and tried. Maybe she saved his life once, or twice, or more. Maybe she made it worse, who could possibly tell? It was driven by addiction. The whole thing. She couldn't have picked a worse opponent, that addiction. It has to be a little sad to have loved, lost that battle, and to see how things could have been different for her. I hope she processes that ending, along with all that went before it, as much, or as long as she needs to. When it's healed in her heart, it will be. She has amazingly supportive friends and family. I think she's doing JUST FINE.
I did not say to "put it away now". The emotions that arise when a person thinks about their past trauma need to be explored and accepted.
It is entirly normal to go through the full range of emotions.... Sadness was not one that you had gone through, I totally understand why-- no need to justify anything you go through either.
As for people not understanding why you come here to write things down... Who gives a shit if they understand. Seriously? It is your life, your blog, your therapy.
-k
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