The more life I live the more I am becoming increasingly convinced that happiness is based almost entirely on a person's perception of their situation. If this were not the case than why could it be that someone in a third world country who has nothing can be 10 times happier than someone who lives in America and has everything??
Living with an alcoholic/addict is also a lot about perception. I choose how I view the situation that my life is in and for most of my life that view has not been so rosy. I received my first edition of The Forum today and on the front cover it says that this issue is about "Overcoming my inner emptiness." That spoke to me.
For 28 (ok... almost 29... but who's counting) years I have been grasping at straws. Trying to fill a void I wasn't even aware was there until now. From the outside I have and have always had everything to be thankful for and happy about. We were poor when I was little, but I never did without.
As we got older my parents got more successful and we did without less and less. Yet still I was trying to have things, do things, be things I was never capable of being. Something in me is missing, something that makes me seek out the wrong people, buy things for happiness (this one is almost gone), etc.
That is one of the biggest reasons that I am letting DH back into my life. I am broken. I am broken with or without him. Only when I am fixed will I know if the problems we have are because I am broken or because our marriage is broken. If I don't fix myself I will just go right back out and find another "winner." I have a hell of a track record already.
I have made a decision to read my literature every day and try to write here as often as I can. I am telling my story on May 19th and I want to be able to tell it to the best of my ability.
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3 comments:
The only person that you have to answer to is yourself, and if you are making the decision to stay and fight the good fight, more power to you.
I hope for your sake that you will find more happiness than tears, and the number of good times with DH outweigh the number of times you have to think to hard about your relationship with DH.
Of course I am always here for you.
-k
I get it... it's easier to work on yourself when you have them there and can have what you think is SOME control. So those times when you know are going fine you can work on yourself. If they are gone you will spend all that time wondering about them. Been there, totally understand that. The best time of mine and ex-H's relationship was when he was in prison. I never had to worry about what he was doing.
I am a firm believer that anything worth having is worth working for... and that goes 10 fold towards a relationship.
I know that it hasn't been an easy row to hoe but I also know that to fix yourself and then concentrate on building or ending a marriage is the order it should be in. If you make a decision on the marriage prior to fixing yourself there may not be a chance at following your heart on the marriage.
My prayers are with you and your son, may each step take you forward or at the very least sideways from now on.....not backwards.
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