Control

It is no secret to those who know me well that I like control. I like to be in control, not necessarily of everyone but myself and my husband mostly. It is strange that like so many other quirks in my life this element really doesn't radiate much beyond my inner circle.

When I go to a movie with friends I don't need to be in control of when we go, where we go (ok so I do have some popcorn preferences) or what we see. I just go with the flow. Same for shopping, eating out and mostly anything else that involves group decisions.

But when it comes to myself and DH it is an entirely different story. Let's start with me. I was anorexic in high school. (I will get to that story... I promise) According to everything I have read and all of the things the doctors told me anorexia is not so much about food as it is about control. The need to have something that you can control in your life.

I also don't drink. I have tried it a couple of times, it's not for me. I can't STAND the feeling of loosing control. Of not being 100% in control of my senses, my thoughts or my actions. Gives me the creepy crawlies.

The house, it is either really clean, or really messy. There is no in between. I like it really clean, but I'm not so great at keeping it that way. When I feel that I'm loosing control of the mess I get really stressed, really short with DH about it and then I just shut down. I ignore it entirely because it is not perfect and I don't feel there is any way to fix it.

With DH, the control issue stems from trying to get him to do what I want, say what I want, be what I want and failing miserably over and over again. Right now I am pretty sure he will never be what I want him to be. He is who he is. I just have to decide if who he is, just as he is, is the person I want to be with.

Ironically this is exactly the situation, rolls reversed, that caused me to break up with my boyfriend before DH. L wanted to be a pastor and he wanted me to change to be what he wanted from a pastor's wife. One day I looked at him and asked him if I never change, if I am always just the way I am could you marry me? He said no and we broke up. Seeing a pattern?

The reading for today in my Courage to Change book is all about control which is ironic to me because I just spent last night in a battle of wills with DH which I thought was all about him not respecting me and which I now realize was really about me not getting my way.

So this morning when I went to read my daily reading imagine my surprise to be smacked in the face with this one:

"[...]There is a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others. Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable --agrees with what I've said or takes my advice--than I know I've lost my focus."

So the first time I got out of bed to ask what he was doing on the couch (watching a show I'd already seen) and when he was coming to bed already was ok.

The 3rd time...

yeah...

not so much...