Attitude: A small word that can make a big difference
The two things that I can control in life, my attitude and my actions
These phrases have been running through my head since I finished with my Al-anon meeting tonight. Sometimes I just need a meeting to remind me not to get lost in the bad parts of life and instead to enjoy the good parts.
So far on this website my attitude has not been all that stellar. In a way, this website for me is a double edged sword. It helps me to heal by letting me get it all out there but it doesn't always portray my life in the most positive fashion.
So tonight I just wanted to take a few moments to focus on the positives that do exist in this life that I continue to choose every day. And that is the key really, I choose this life. No one makes me stay.
God, give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I can change my life if I choose to. Thus far I have chosen to stay because I love my husband and for the most part I love the person he is becoming. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.
Tonight I went to the store to get milk and his prescription. I sent him a text on my way home that read kitchen pls. When I got home the dishwasher was running and the counters were clean. Simple as that. Ask and ye shall receive.
Since I had no resentment towards him when I got home we were able to sit down as a family and eat dinner together. A very nice dinner in which Munchkin ordered us all around. Daddy eat... mommy pizza, etc.
After dinner I headed off to my meeting. I was grateful at that moment that he was able to stay home with Munchkin because just 18 months ago he wouldn't have been able to.
After my meeting I was driving home and I saw a man pacing back and forth on the street. He kept looking at his cell phone. In the neighborhood I was driving through, I know what he was doing. But I'm grateful today because that is not DH. I don't have to worry about what street corner he is on trying to score his next fix. I know when I get home the dirty plate may still be on the table (it was) but he is sober and my son is bathed, read to and sound asleep.
A little while later I passed a little league football game and I started thinking that in a few years that might be us and I am grateful that DH is going to be clean and going to be able to be a part of Muchkin's life in a way that a lot of addicts don't get the opportunity to be.
So many things to be grateful for, so much of a different outlook when you just change your attitude and your perception of the situation.
So, I guess what I'm saying is while I may write about some really heavy and depressing things here I need to remember to also focus on what is getting better and what is going well lest you all want to crawl into your computer screens and beat me with your old shoe!!
:-)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Selfish
We teach others how to treat us. That is a phrase that has run over and over in my mind. Someone mentioned it in the comments and it really reminded me how stuck I feel. In Al-anon I have learned that I can change some situations simply by changing the way I react to them.
In a lot of areas of our life together this has helped. If I can ask him to load the dishwasher instead of doing it myself and then resenting him for it, I save the resentment and the dishwasher gets loaded. The problem is, who asks ME to do it? Why should I HAVE to ask him all the time?
This morning he says to me, I need to get my prescription refilled. I said to him, you are a big boy, call the number on the bottle and I will pick it up after work. He didn't call. He has left it, once again, up to me to do or our little family unit to suffer the consequences.
This is a theme I hear about quite often in AA and Al-anon circles. I looked for the topic in my Courage to Change book but couldn't find it but the fact is that alcoholics and addicts tend to be very selfish. When they are in the depths of their disease they only think about getting their next fix, about themselves and their needs.
The problem is, this is a learned behavior, and one that is hard to break. When FIL was in jail his only worry seemed to be about whether the neighbors would find out and it would ruin his "reputation." Never mind the mess he had created for his family. His concern was purely of a selfish nature.
For DH this seems to carry over into a lot of our lives. And I, am no less of a guilty party in this. I have let him "learn" how to treat me. Or, in a way how to treat himself. For so many years I accepted this unacceptable behavior and now I'm tired of it but I don't know what to do.
I've asked and asked and tried and tried but I don't seem to be getting answers that work for us. I tried the credit card thing and you see from the last post how well that went. I've tried letting him decide how much money he brings home from side jobs and how much he keeps. That SEEMS to be working well in the fact that now he tells me how much he gets and then gives me some. Not always how much I THINK he should give me, but it is a start.
However, my biggest problem is respect. How the hell do I get that? I don't want to be his mother but what is an acceptable "consequence?" I can't ground him when he throws a fit and calls me names but I also don't want him to think it is ok.
This morning he needed gas. He called me and demanded that I get him the bank card, again he shredded his credit card and I don't trust him to have full access to the bank account, and seemed genuinely pissed off when I didn't drop everything right then to get it to him.
After I dropped Munchkin off at daycare I told him to meet me at the gas station that I pass on my way to work which is a different way than he usually goes but NOT out of his way. He seemed pissed that I would even suggest that, instead he wanted me to go out of MY way for him.
Finally he pulls into daycare, I walk out and get into my car and he peels out onto the road. He knows I am TWO cars behind him yet he can't wait for me to get there. Instead he just starts pumping gas and tells me to go inside. Inside to wait with the 20 other people, thereby making me LATE to work.
This is unacceptable behavior, but what should I have done? I didn't want to give him the bank card since we only have one and I use it for everything I need where as he uses cash. So how do I give him a consequence for treating me like that without being his mother? Keep in mind he is now 36 hours off of medicine so the manic is already starting....
I just really feel stuck between continuing to play the roles that we have played and trying to move ourselves into different roles. I want so much some days to just run away and start over somewhere else with someone else. Would I let them treat me the same way or would I be stronger?
In a lot of areas of our life together this has helped. If I can ask him to load the dishwasher instead of doing it myself and then resenting him for it, I save the resentment and the dishwasher gets loaded. The problem is, who asks ME to do it? Why should I HAVE to ask him all the time?
This morning he says to me, I need to get my prescription refilled. I said to him, you are a big boy, call the number on the bottle and I will pick it up after work. He didn't call. He has left it, once again, up to me to do or our little family unit to suffer the consequences.
This is a theme I hear about quite often in AA and Al-anon circles. I looked for the topic in my Courage to Change book but couldn't find it but the fact is that alcoholics and addicts tend to be very selfish. When they are in the depths of their disease they only think about getting their next fix, about themselves and their needs.
The problem is, this is a learned behavior, and one that is hard to break. When FIL was in jail his only worry seemed to be about whether the neighbors would find out and it would ruin his "reputation." Never mind the mess he had created for his family. His concern was purely of a selfish nature.
For DH this seems to carry over into a lot of our lives. And I, am no less of a guilty party in this. I have let him "learn" how to treat me. Or, in a way how to treat himself. For so many years I accepted this unacceptable behavior and now I'm tired of it but I don't know what to do.
I've asked and asked and tried and tried but I don't seem to be getting answers that work for us. I tried the credit card thing and you see from the last post how well that went. I've tried letting him decide how much money he brings home from side jobs and how much he keeps. That SEEMS to be working well in the fact that now he tells me how much he gets and then gives me some. Not always how much I THINK he should give me, but it is a start.
However, my biggest problem is respect. How the hell do I get that? I don't want to be his mother but what is an acceptable "consequence?" I can't ground him when he throws a fit and calls me names but I also don't want him to think it is ok.
This morning he needed gas. He called me and demanded that I get him the bank card, again he shredded his credit card and I don't trust him to have full access to the bank account, and seemed genuinely pissed off when I didn't drop everything right then to get it to him.
After I dropped Munchkin off at daycare I told him to meet me at the gas station that I pass on my way to work which is a different way than he usually goes but NOT out of his way. He seemed pissed that I would even suggest that, instead he wanted me to go out of MY way for him.
Finally he pulls into daycare, I walk out and get into my car and he peels out onto the road. He knows I am TWO cars behind him yet he can't wait for me to get there. Instead he just starts pumping gas and tells me to go inside. Inside to wait with the 20 other people, thereby making me LATE to work.
This is unacceptable behavior, but what should I have done? I didn't want to give him the bank card since we only have one and I use it for everything I need where as he uses cash. So how do I give him a consequence for treating me like that without being his mother? Keep in mind he is now 36 hours off of medicine so the manic is already starting....
I just really feel stuck between continuing to play the roles that we have played and trying to move ourselves into different roles. I want so much some days to just run away and start over somewhere else with someone else. Would I let them treat me the same way or would I be stronger?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Maturity
I'm having a really rough time right now dealing with DH's maturity level. Or rather lack of a maturity level. They tell you that when someone starts using they stop maturing. For DH this was somewhere between 13 and 16 years of age.
When I was told this I just nodded my head. After all, he had to be better off of drugs than on drugs, the rest we could deal with right? Seriously, this is MUCH harder than I anticipated. Some days it is like I have two kids instead of one.
Let me explain. DH has to take medicine. He has a "chemical imbalance" that may or may not have been present before the drug use but is certainly present now. If he doesn't take it regularly he is prone to mood swings. Sometimes violent screaming, throwing things mood swings. It is AWFUL!!
I have to remind DH on a daily basis to take his medicine to avoid this happening. I do not get to slack off and worry about myself because if I do we have weeks like two weeks ago where we get in HUGE arguments because he becomes irrational and "manic." I HATE having to be his mother. Last night he told me he had taken his last two pills.
I will have to call the pharmacy, I will have to go pick up the prescription. This is his last refill, his doctor left the practice. I will have to find him a new doctor, make an appointment, and remind him to go. If I don't, it is not just him that suffers the consequences, it is our whole little family unit.
And it is not just medicine... it is his whole life...
He had a credit card. He misused it terribly, but so did I when I was first getting used to having them so I excused it. It had a very low limit and I figured we would work through it and he would get it. It was nice, he could stop and pick up things at the store, grab food on the way home, etc.
About three months ago he didn't take his medicine and I didn't remind him. He had an "episode" A screaming, yelling, I want a divorce episode in which he ripped up the credit card and threw it all over our lawn.
I haven't replace it yet so I am back to being the only one who can stop at the store, pick up his medicine, pickup food, etc. It sucks. I pick up Munchkin from daycare, it would be SOOO much easier for him to stop and get milk than for me to stop, with the munchkin in tow and get it. Yet, I have to stop.
Aside from learning to live as an adult I also have to contend with the "social issues." I don't know how best to describe it to you except to come right out and say it. DH has the social grace of a 13 - 16 year old. And not just at home, in public too. And sometimes it is damn embarrassing to me. He will do or say something that I think is EXTREMELY immature and it makes me embarrassed and I react with anger.
This doesn't usually go well. A friend of mine has pointed it out and I have been trying really hard not to embarrass him in public but sometimes it is really hard. He is also this way at home. For awhile I thought some of his actions were cute, now they are wearing on me.
This morning he yelled at me because I let my alarm go off twice and then I got up, went down stairs and he came downstairs and apologized and then asked if he could get in the shower with me. Seriously? To me this just shows a lot of immaturity in social situations. Like he doesn't know that is not how you treat other people, etc.
It's hard for me to explain, but it is tiring, and wearing on me and just writing it here makes me feel 100% better about it, even if none of you fully understand....
When I was told this I just nodded my head. After all, he had to be better off of drugs than on drugs, the rest we could deal with right? Seriously, this is MUCH harder than I anticipated. Some days it is like I have two kids instead of one.
Let me explain. DH has to take medicine. He has a "chemical imbalance" that may or may not have been present before the drug use but is certainly present now. If he doesn't take it regularly he is prone to mood swings. Sometimes violent screaming, throwing things mood swings. It is AWFUL!!
I have to remind DH on a daily basis to take his medicine to avoid this happening. I do not get to slack off and worry about myself because if I do we have weeks like two weeks ago where we get in HUGE arguments because he becomes irrational and "manic." I HATE having to be his mother. Last night he told me he had taken his last two pills.
I will have to call the pharmacy, I will have to go pick up the prescription. This is his last refill, his doctor left the practice. I will have to find him a new doctor, make an appointment, and remind him to go. If I don't, it is not just him that suffers the consequences, it is our whole little family unit.
And it is not just medicine... it is his whole life...
He had a credit card. He misused it terribly, but so did I when I was first getting used to having them so I excused it. It had a very low limit and I figured we would work through it and he would get it. It was nice, he could stop and pick up things at the store, grab food on the way home, etc.
About three months ago he didn't take his medicine and I didn't remind him. He had an "episode" A screaming, yelling, I want a divorce episode in which he ripped up the credit card and threw it all over our lawn.
I haven't replace it yet so I am back to being the only one who can stop at the store, pick up his medicine, pickup food, etc. It sucks. I pick up Munchkin from daycare, it would be SOOO much easier for him to stop and get milk than for me to stop, with the munchkin in tow and get it. Yet, I have to stop.
Aside from learning to live as an adult I also have to contend with the "social issues." I don't know how best to describe it to you except to come right out and say it. DH has the social grace of a 13 - 16 year old. And not just at home, in public too. And sometimes it is damn embarrassing to me. He will do or say something that I think is EXTREMELY immature and it makes me embarrassed and I react with anger.
This doesn't usually go well. A friend of mine has pointed it out and I have been trying really hard not to embarrass him in public but sometimes it is really hard. He is also this way at home. For awhile I thought some of his actions were cute, now they are wearing on me.
This morning he yelled at me because I let my alarm go off twice and then I got up, went down stairs and he came downstairs and apologized and then asked if he could get in the shower with me. Seriously? To me this just shows a lot of immaturity in social situations. Like he doesn't know that is not how you treat other people, etc.
It's hard for me to explain, but it is tiring, and wearing on me and just writing it here makes me feel 100% better about it, even if none of you fully understand....
Friday, September 26, 2008
Lies
I'm deep breathing right now. I HATE lies and it seems like that is all DH's family is made up of, one lie after another.
On Sunday DH's dad got arrested. We are not allowed to tell anyone. WHY?? What is with all the secrecy?? It is PUBLIC record. All you have to do is go to the courts online website and you can see everything that he was charged with as well as all of the motions that have been filed, etc.
Yet FIL hasn't even told his family that live a few towns away. When he found out that SIL (DH's sister) told her in-laws he was really upset. They live in the town with his family and if they know than EVERYONE might know.
Then last night I get home and I find out that DH talked to his dad on the phone and his dad admitted that the pot that they found on him when he was arrested was his. Despite the fact that EVERY time we talked to his new wife she adamantly told us that it was NOT his. So DH asked FIL, What does Step-MIL think of all of this?
His answer, oh it is what it is. Which basically means, I didn't tell her, don't say anything. MORE LIES!! That is one of the things that infuriates me the most about this disease. The lying. DH does it all the time, over simple stupid things.
Did you feed the horses?
Of course I did.
Are you sure because I'm going right by there on my way to my meeting I can do it.
No, I did it.
So I stop, and lo and behold, no, in fact he did NOT feed the horses.
When I question him... he thought I would be angry that he forgot so he lied to me. It is things like that that just tear me up. They make me want to pack up my son and run for the hills and never look back. Take him somewhere where he knows that there is a better way to live his life.
But I can't run. This is our life, for better or worse, DH is Munchkin's father and I can't run from that. So we try to work through it. He talks to his sponsor, I talk to mine and we hope that tomorrow is a better day.
One day at a time. One lie free day at a time....
On Sunday DH's dad got arrested. We are not allowed to tell anyone. WHY?? What is with all the secrecy?? It is PUBLIC record. All you have to do is go to the courts online website and you can see everything that he was charged with as well as all of the motions that have been filed, etc.
Yet FIL hasn't even told his family that live a few towns away. When he found out that SIL (DH's sister) told her in-laws he was really upset. They live in the town with his family and if they know than EVERYONE might know.
Then last night I get home and I find out that DH talked to his dad on the phone and his dad admitted that the pot that they found on him when he was arrested was his. Despite the fact that EVERY time we talked to his new wife she adamantly told us that it was NOT his. So DH asked FIL, What does Step-MIL think of all of this?
His answer, oh it is what it is. Which basically means, I didn't tell her, don't say anything. MORE LIES!! That is one of the things that infuriates me the most about this disease. The lying. DH does it all the time, over simple stupid things.
Did you feed the horses?
Of course I did.
Are you sure because I'm going right by there on my way to my meeting I can do it.
No, I did it.
So I stop, and lo and behold, no, in fact he did NOT feed the horses.
When I question him... he thought I would be angry that he forgot so he lied to me. It is things like that that just tear me up. They make me want to pack up my son and run for the hills and never look back. Take him somewhere where he knows that there is a better way to live his life.
But I can't run. This is our life, for better or worse, DH is Munchkin's father and I can't run from that. So we try to work through it. He talks to his sponsor, I talk to mine and we hope that tomorrow is a better day.
One day at a time. One lie free day at a time....
Blog Format
I'm going to be doing a lot of jumping around on this blog and I don't want you to get confused so I want to explain things a bit. When I write an entry from the past I'm going to put it back there. Someday if I print all this stuff out then it will be in order. However, I will put a post here with a link to there. Ya follow me yet?? :-)
Anyhow, I think you'll catch on eventually.....
Anyhow, I think you'll catch on eventually.....
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Introduction
I think at the beginning of any blog it is necessary to have an obligatory introductory post. So here it is. Here I am, I guess.
12 years ago I met my husband, here after referred to as DH. He was 15 and I was 16 and I'm not sure in those 12 years we have ever gone more than one week without speaking to each other. Somewhere along the way I learned that he did some "recreational" drugs and a lot of "recreational drinking/partying."
In hindsight that should have been my clue to run... run far, far away. But I didn't. Something in my urged me to stay, to try to fix things, that somewhere deep down inside he was a good person.
This website is my attempt to find out why it is I had that compulsion to stay. And also my safe place to come and write about the events in my life that lead up to where we are now and the things that are still happening with us.
When he was using I thought if he just got clean our life would be perfect. I was wrong, more wrong than I ever knew I could be. It doesn't get perfect, it just gets different. Now I go to Al-anon and I work with my sponsor to try to understand things.
I've always used writing as my tool to help me process my life and I'm hoping that this blog will be my outlet. My way to write about everything that happened in my past and is still happening in my future, process it, and hopefully let it go.
Want to join me on this journey?
12 years ago I met my husband, here after referred to as DH. He was 15 and I was 16 and I'm not sure in those 12 years we have ever gone more than one week without speaking to each other. Somewhere along the way I learned that he did some "recreational" drugs and a lot of "recreational drinking/partying."
In hindsight that should have been my clue to run... run far, far away. But I didn't. Something in my urged me to stay, to try to fix things, that somewhere deep down inside he was a good person.
This website is my attempt to find out why it is I had that compulsion to stay. And also my safe place to come and write about the events in my life that lead up to where we are now and the things that are still happening with us.
When he was using I thought if he just got clean our life would be perfect. I was wrong, more wrong than I ever knew I could be. It doesn't get perfect, it just gets different. Now I go to Al-anon and I work with my sponsor to try to understand things.
I've always used writing as my tool to help me process my life and I'm hoping that this blog will be my outlet. My way to write about everything that happened in my past and is still happening in my future, process it, and hopefully let it go.
Want to join me on this journey?
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