How do you know when you've fallen out of love with someone? He called last night alright, promised to see me this afternoon then cancelled to be with D the scum from hell.
I saw him, for a minute and I know he'd been drinking and probably smoking pot. I don't know what it's like not to love DH, but if it's possible that's probably where I'm at.
Everyone wants him to live with me and I just want to forget he ever exhisted. I can't say I hate him, but right now I dispise him.
Everything he does makes me sick! I'm in a three-year relationship with a man I don't know and never see.
I can't call him because I just left him fifteen min ago and he said he's call me when he got home. That could be 11:30 for all I know!
I think I will always lover him but I'm am not in love with him anymore and I don't know if we can get that back.
God I hate my life!!
Tuesday, July 20, 1999
Thursday, July 8, 1999
M&D's Wedding
D had been my friend since I was in high school. In July she got married to M. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time I had ever been in a wedding and I was pretty excited about it.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
The wedding went fine and everything seemed to be going along smoothly until the reception. I don't remember specific details but I do remember that there was drinking by DH. Copious amounts of drinking.
So obnoxious, in fact, were his attempts to get alcohol and to get drunk that a week later when I spoke to D on the phone she made it a point to mention to me how everyone was mad at DH at the wedding because he acted so immature about alcohol.
This was the first time I really remember being self conscious about him in a social setting. Up until that point I felt like I could hide it. It was always happening at home or with his druggie friends but at this point it started to spill over into the rest of my life.
So, I avoided going out in public with him. Didn't go out at all as a matter of fact. That way no one could judge him and he couldn't embarrass me.
Monday, July 5, 1999
Trip to MO
For July 4th we decided to go down to Lake of the Ozarks in MO. I remember that my parents didn't want us to go and I remember pulling the I am 19 and we are going to stay with family it will be fine card.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
So, off we went in my fancy camero. I didn't want DH to drive but somewhere along the way he convinced me it was a good idea. And we got pulled over. I just knew my mom was going to KILL me because he was not covered on my insurance.
I can still remember the conversation we had with the police officer about thinking the speed limit was 65 and him saying no you are on HIGHWAY 65 the speed limit is 60.
Luckily the police officer went easy on us young kids from out of town and didn't give us a ticket. After that I remember sitting in the passenger seat looking over every 5 minutes to make sure we were still going within the posted speed limit. I think within about an hour I made him pull over so I could drive again... just to be sure.
On top of just going to Missouri to visit his family, we also had work to do. Well, he did... but we all know I would never have let him do his own work. You see, when DH graduated in May he didn't really graduate because he was 1/2 a credit short. So he had to take a class to get that credit. I remember that this weekend we were in Missouri was the last weekend he had to get the information done. I'm not sure how many of the assignments I actually did for him but I'm pretty sure it was a lot. Without my constant prodding I'm not sure he would have actually completed the assignments.
Looking back now, I should have just let him do it. Let him feel the consequences of his bad decisions by not getting his diploma or by having to do extra work. But I didn't. My fairy tale wouldn't be perfect if he didn't have the diploma so in my mind I was just "helping" him.
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