I had no sooner forgiven him than he was back at it again. On this night he went to a friends house and went out into the wood and got stoned on pot. Ok, two thing pop into my mind as I'm reading this.
#1 Where were his parents? If my 15 year old son had just come home drunk two weeks prior you can be damn sure he would probably still be grounded. And if he wasn't I would still be keeping a pretty good eye on him.
#2 Where were my parents? Did I hide this that well? Again, Catholic school is running through my head.
#3 WTF? Two months and all of my morals and ideals had just flown out the window? Really? I had gone from dating the guy who wanted to become a preacher to this? Why after two months did I REALLY love him enough to go through hell with him?
This night was the first night I learned the payoff of hurting myself. Not only to me as a frustration release but also as an attention getter. This was the night that I first cut myself. Not badly, like most cutters, but more of a scratching at my skin as a way to escape what had become my quickly deteriorating reality.
DH found out and we made a pact to both get better together. "Basically I'm not allowed to cut or injure myself anymore and he's not allowed to smoke, drink or chew. If he does any of it again he holds a knife to my wrists and cuts. Basically if he smokes, etc. it's like cutting me because he's giving me open range. I don't know if this will work but I love him so much that, I have to and am willing to, try anything."
This makes my heart heavy just to type it. Some part of me needed him that badly that I was willing to sacrifice myself just to try to help him. Something I would spend the next 10 1/2 years trying to do before I realized once and for all that I could not help him, only he could help himself.
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Please Lord teach us to laugh again, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried.
I am a daughter, a sister, an ex-wife, a mother, and a person trying to make sense of the journey that got her to this place called recovery.
Sick and Tired Video
My Story
Adding your 2 cents
If your life has been affected by alcoholsim or addiction and you feel like you have something you want to write here feel free to e-mail it to me at neverforgetwecried{at}yahoo{dot}com.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
I am open to guest posts as I know that sometimes it just feels better to be able to write it down and send it out into the world.
The Players
Munchkin = My son
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
DH = My Ex-Husband
M = Possible New Love Interest
Mom = My Mom
Dad = My Dad
SIL = Sister-In-Law
MIL = Mother-In-Law
FIL = Father-In-Law
Step-MIL = Step-Mother-In-Law
Confused yet?
3 comments:
I know the reading audience (there is one right?) doesn’t know your full history, or the present. There is probably several gaps for them so what I am about to say may not make sense and may not have an answer until two years from now when you finally have the ten years summed up into one long blog!
You had the dynamic of your relationship with DH at the time, you had explanations and excuses, you look back now in hindsight in pain obviously or this wouldn’t be so hard for you to write.
Ten years from now will you look back at the dynamic of your marriage now and think the same thing? (Doesn’t need an answer) Why didn’t I just do this, or that, or leave.
Don’t look back on your present with pain. If you can’t say without a doubt you won’t it’s worth the effort to change it!
Oh and the Catholic innuendo’s…..so NOT appreciated! I was the perfect catholic girl right? (Insert Hawaiian party when husband feels need to spill all my secrets) LOL
I bet it is strange for you to revisit that 16 year old again. It is for me. To go back and get inside that person, walk around in the world that you were living-
Very much like time traveling with the knowledge of what is yet to come.
You want to just shake her... but all you can do it watch.
-k
YOu're brave putting all your 16 year old thoughts out there. I read my journal and I'm so embarassed for myself.... Isn't it funny how dramatic everything was back then. Who knew that some of that stuff would actually totally flip our world around in the future.
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