Can't Stay Gone
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Aaaaannnd.... I'm Back
As is so often the case with people in recovery and people suffering from any sort of life long affliction, every once and awhile you get this feeling of wonder. I wonder what would happen if I did it on my own?
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
For people on medicine they call it self regulation. Pulling yourself off the anti-depressant, just too see. Often times you wonder, do I really need this? Maybe the reasons I'm taking it are all gone.
For people in recovery, they call it writing more of your story. Any time someone goes back out and the question is asked, where is so and so, the answer is they were not done writing their story.
Inevitably, however, pulling yourself off the medication or having just one more drink or missing a few meetings in a row reminds us why it is we were doing those things to begin with. Because we need them.
For me, that's what this place and this past month have been. Self regulation. An experiment in wondering what it would be like to be cured. And then sometime about a week or so ago I was sitting at my desk and all I could think about was how much I wanted to pack up and run away and it hit me. That realization that I'm not cured, I may never be cured. And unless I continue to take care of myself I will just slip back into my old ways.
Yet still, it was hard to get back here. There are only a couple people that I know IRL that read here yet at the end of the day it's hard to write about some of this stuff knowing they are there. Which seems counter intuitive because the whole reason I told them about this space was so that they could understand.
Understand what? Perhaps what it's like to live with mental illness. How I can wake up one morning and want nothing more than to run away from my life and not know why. I have a pretty good life right now. I have supportive family, fantastic friends, and a boyfriend whom I love more every day. So logically, when I look at my life I see no reason I should be unhappy.
How do you explain that to people? How do you say to them, hey yeah... everything in my life rocks right now but I'm crawling out of my skin and having panic attacks and would like nothing more than to get in my car and keep driving forever.
It's not you, it's me.... really.
So I'm back. Ready to write more of my own story. To get more of it out there in the hopes that it will help me to feel just a little more cured. Just a little more like I imagine everyone else gets to feel on a daily basis.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Frustration
This is the e-mail I sent to DHS and C&F tonight after I put Munchkin to bed.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Today as I was getting off of work I got a call from MIL. She asked me what kind of vegetables Munchkin likes. She said she wanted to make them for him. Which says to me a couple of things. #1 She has no idea what he eats for vegetables because they are too busy feeding him McDonald's and Burger King and #2 she had every intention of trying to impress the two of you by making some nice fancy meal to show you how great they are.
I'm sorry, but only cooking something good for him after 3 1/2 months and because you guys were going to be there makes me feel like they are completely putting on a fraudulent show for you and it irritates me. When you come here we are as we are. Sure Munchkin's toys might not all be put away and there might be a dirty dish on the counter but this is how we are. I don't have to put on a show for you guys because I have nothing to hide.
When I got there they told me that Munchkin had not eaten a good dinner (I'm not sure what they made) but that L you had told them not to worry about it because he would eat when he was hungry. Yet, they were feeding him Applesauce. If he doesn't eat his dinner it is probably because he was expecting McDonald's or Burger King from you and if he doesn't eat then you don't give him something else, he just doesn't eat.
It felt very much like they were, once again, putting on the show for you. Like we won't force him to eat while you're here and we will do what you suggest while you are here but as soon as you leave, here Munchkin have some applesauce and yeah do you want a drink of your pop. Yes, that's right the sippy cup of milk that they probably gave him when you were there was a show too. He had pop in a cup that MIL was giving him. To his credit when she offered it to him DH did say mom maybe he should drink his milk but the only reason he actually did is because the pop was gone.
Secondly, they had the nerve to suggest to me that perhaps if Munchkin is having problems at daycare I should consider sending him to a different daycare. Are you kidding me? Do they not know Munchkin at all?
I was trying to impress on them the seriousness of the situation and I mentioned that if we couldn't get this under control they could possibly kick Munchkin out. This would not be something they would do right away but if in a month or two he is still hurting other kids and we have tried all we can try it is a possibility. I thought maybe it would help them see how we need to try to work on this, it did not.
Instead MIL started saying that maybe it was the girls in his room (the afternoon girls are highschool girls from 3 - 6 but he is aggressive with the teachers in the morning too and they are my age) It was like she wanted any excuse not to fix the problem, but to blame someone else for it.
Then she simply suggested that perhaps I should send him to private daycare. Which is exactly what they did with DH when he was younger. If he was getting in trouble at school or in danger of getting kicked out they simply said that it was a bad school or there were bad kids there and they transferred him to another school. It is a classic alcoholic move to run away or try a change of location rather than fixing the problem.
I get what it is but it still pisses me off. When I made some off the cuff comment about barely being able to afford where he is now let alone a private daycare they had all the info they needed for their next attack.
Then it became about cost. Well I could send him to an in-home person. In-home is cheaper and MIL knows a great person who is right there in my town that I could send Munchkin to. All the while ignoring the fact that switching him daycares was NOT going to solve the problem.
I flat out told them I did not want to send him to an in-home provider but I did not go into detail as to any more reasons. As I told you L, I can't defend myself against those people. They start to attack and I just shut down. But honestly... really... can't they understand that Munchkin has been at that daycare since he was six weeks old?
He loves those people and they love him. He is comfortable there. Why would I transfer him out of a place that is safe to him into an unfamiliar setting when already so many things in his world seem to have been turned on their head?
Do they not understand this basic aspect of child psychology? Kids his age THRIVE on routine. They thrive on consistency and structure. He knows where he goes, he knows the teachers, he knows the kids, he knows the routine. I would not even CONSIDER changing him right now, even if I wanted to. We need to fix the problem, not run away from it.
Anyhow, that's all I have for tonight but I needed to vent it to someone before I exploded. It just frustrates me so much that these are the people I'm trying to co-parent with. These are the people that think they should be responsible for some of the decisions in Munchkin's life and they don't even have the basic skills necessary to do that.
Ok, I'm done.
The End.
Panic
It's happening again. I'm sitting at my desk working away and now all of the sudden I can't breathe. WTF?? There is no stress happening right now. I wasn't even thinking about anything and now it feels like my chest is going to explode. Who does this?? How is this normal??
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
The munchkin is having problems at daycare. I'm assuming amidst all of the chaos in my life this is the trigger for today. I wasn't thinking about his problems at daycare but I'm going to write about them in an effort to make it so I can breathe again and get the hell back to work.
It started about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I remember talking to DH about how sometimes the munchkin acts out after visits. I remember asking him if there was anything going on over there. Anything new or unusual. I got nothing. I always get nothing from him. It's like he doesn't want to tell me too much because he might say something incriminating. Talking to him is like interrogating a suspect.
The next day when I picked up the munchkin from daycare his shoes were in the office. They said they had to take them away because he wouldn't stop kicking and they didn't want him to hurt the other kids. WHAT?? HUH?? I was SOO confused.
It has continued from there. Two weeks ago he came home and was acting very sad. I asked him about it and he told me daddy yelled at him. Last weekend, the 13th, he came home and told me that Daddy was not nice, Daddy was the boss.
Something is happening to my kid. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening and I just want to pick him up and run as far away as I can. The final straw was last Friday when his daycare director called me and told me we had a problem and we needed to try to fix it. He was hitting, kicking, and just that day had pulled another child down by their hair.
I immediately called DHS and the C&F lady and tried to figure out what the heck was going on that all of the sudden Munchkin had turned into a violent kid. My first thought was, of course, DH. With the things he has been telling me all I could think of was that something happened over there that he saw. Some fight between DH and and his mom maybe or his mom and her boyfriend. Something that had scared the munchkin and made him not feel safe over there.
While I can't prove that it was that, I feel pretty strongly that this is more than just normal 2 year old aggression. Especially since it started pretty much out of the blue. So last weekend we cut his visit to 4 hours. Munchkin was pretty good on Saturday but Sunday before the visit and after the visit he was not himself.
They, of course, tried to blame everything on me. As always. Neither he, nor his mother, could possibly take responsibility for the fact that Munchkin has seen some bad things and that he might be reacting to those. Either way, the visit was cut and Munchkin now also gets to see a child psychologist.
So Monday we had them start writing down what he was doing wrong to try to get an idea if there was a pattern, a certain child, a certain time of day, etc. I was prepared to see some normal pushing, fighting over toys, etc. Nothing.... NOTHING could have prepared me for what I saw on that page..... N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
All I can see in my head is that child from Problem Child and how he is so sweet to his parents and then he tries to kill people. Seriously I'm seeing the Good Son in my head. Here's a taste:
8:00 AM - Munchkin was sitting by a friend when he looked over and them and punched them in the arm three times.
9:30 AM - Munchkin attempted to push a friend down the stairs because "they weren't going fast" (His words)
3:55 PM - A friend was playing with a toy and Munchkin went up and kicked him. A teacher asked him why and he said "because I wanted to."
4:35 PM - Munchkin threw a large toy at the wall, when asked why he said "Because."
4:50 PM - Munchkin was smashing a friend against the wall using a play table in the room. When asked why he did it he said "I didn't."
Shall I continue on to yesterday..... OMG.....
9:15 AM - Munchkin picked up a toy and hit a friend who was playing near him for no reason.
10:20 AM - During TV time Munchkin head-butted a friend, unprovoked.
10:43 AM - He hit a friend that walked passed him with a puzzle board.
4:15 PM - Munchkin hit a friend while playing when asked why he said "Because I wanted to."
4:55 PM - Munchkin threw a toy bus at one of his friends while cleaning up, unprovoked.
And according to them yesterday was by far the better of the two days. People my child tried to push someone down the stairs, squish someone with a table and he HEAD BUTTED another child. OMG.... what is happening to my kid?? He is NOT like this with me. I've NEVER seen this side of him.
This morning when I told him it was Wednesday and Daddy and Grandma were coming to pick him up he got a deer in the headlights look and his answer to me was, "Why? They already camed and picked me up."
So I asked him if he wanted them to pick him up and told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He told me he wanted to because, "Daddy isn't mean anymore." This makes me wonder what is happening over there and what DH is telling him if that is what he is repeating. Why would he say that?
When I dropped him off he went to his spot on the carpet for story time and he looked absolutely out of his skin. His face was sad and he was wringing his hands together when I told him I would see him later. It took every ounce of strength in me to walk out the door and leave him there.
I have to get back to work now that I can breathe again... apparently this was what was causing the panic attack because writing it down helped. It doesn't fix it but at least it gets it out there. I pray that when I get him at 7:00 tonight he is doing alright. DHS & C&F will be there tonight so he should be safe and secure.
GOD... it NEVER ends....
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why?
I have been struggling for two days to find the time, energy, sanity, and most of all words to explain to you what this site does for me. I know that some of you are questioning how it could be good for my psyche to come here and rehash all of the things that happened to me in the past.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
The only words I can come up with to explain it to you are that I don't have a choice. I would LOVE, capital L-O-V-E, Love to be able to leave all of this behind me but I can't. There is a verse in this song that speaks to me and so I'm going to put it here:
--Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout' cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There are only about three songs that can make my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest and that is one of them.
That, in its very essence is how I feel about this site. First and foremost I write to get it all out. To give it a place to live besides in my head. I don't know the background of all of you but I can tell you as an abuse survivor flashbacks are something I lived with every single day for a long time. And even now, the right song, the right smell, walking past someplace can trigger one and depending on the memory they can range anywhere from mildly annoying to down right debilitating.
When I write them down here, they don't have to live in my head anymore. The process is cathartic for me. It allows me to deal with what happened, process it and then leave it here. There is a part of my brain that will not let me forget. I don't EVER want to do these things again... that's what it's screaming at me. DON'T forget. So these memories stay in there and they keep me from living a normal life again.
But if I put them here I can process them, get to the root of what was happening and then let them go. I know they are safe here. I have to move forward if I ever want to get my life back to some semblance of normal and I know that if I put them here, they are here if I ever need them but I don't have to carry them with me anymore.
I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you but I need this place and all of you more than you could ever understand. So, I will continue to do what I have been doing. Digging and purging and ultimately letting go. Until one day, it will all be here. And at that time... who knows what will become of this site.
But until then, I will be sticking around for awhile and I hope all of you will continue to stick around with me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Crashing....
Everyone said it would happen. The divorce would be final and there would be a moment of sadness, regret or just let down. I didn't believe any of them. I was SOO glad to be rid of DH that I didn't think I would ever feel anything but elation.
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
It hit me today.
Today MIL's boyfriend called me and told me that DH is starting down the path again. Staying out all night fishing, going to a meeting and not coming home till all hours of the night, not helping them around the house, etc.
Today it hit me what I have survived and what I don't have to deal with anymore and I crashed. As of 7:00 this evening I have the check for his portion of the debts. He has cleaned out the garage of the last of his belongings.
The divorce is finally over.
We are finally over.
And I'm sad.
Not because we are divorced. Not because I ever want that part of my life back but just because......
I'm sad that it happened, that I dealt with it for so long, that I now feel even more strongly that he may be a lost sole. I'm sad for everything I missed out on for so long.
I also have been on adrenaline for so long trying to get all of the details ironed out that I'm crashing from that too...
Tomorrow when the check clears and the debts are paid I'm sure my happiness that I've been bouncing around with will come back. But today... I'm just kind of blah....
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Clarification
As is usually the case when I tell a story from the past, sometimes what I'm saying makes perfect sense to me but to you, it might be confusing. Feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try to answer them as best I can. Sometimes I forget that you weren't there. You don't know all the details.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
Re: The Party - Apparently the time that you go out to get high is 4:20, not 3:20. I have never been high in my life. Hell, I've never even smoked a cigarette. So please excuse my naivety....
Re: The Domestic - When DH was backing his car up after I tried to jump in with him, his door was open and it hit another car. His insurance paid the repairs for the other car but he didn't get charged with that.
He was arrested and charged with domestic, possession and paraphernalia. I was charged with nothing. Although reading it now I'm pretty sure I should have been charged with something.
At the time it happened I thought it was all normal, I did nothing wrong. Now when I read it I just see that I was crazy. Really crazy. It's actually really embarrassing for me to read.
And no, MW didn't call the cops. One of the upstairs neighbors saw what was happening and called.
*****************
Anything else I missed or you are confused on just ask.
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