Could it be?

We were in the hospital, visiting someone. I can't remember now who it was, possibly my grandma. I remember the phone ringing and my mom saying that it was DH asking to talk to my sister.

DH was a neighbor of ours. He lived about 5 miles away. We had ridden the bus with him for a few years and just recently I had spoken with him a few times during football practice. See this year, I had decided to be a football manager, a girl I knew in band was one and said they needed another one and asked if I would be willing to do it.

I had always liked football on some level and a guy that I dated in 1995 was in football so I remember watching him play, so I said yes.

I remember when my mom said that it was DH on the phone there was a part of me that was really hoping he was calling to ask ME to the homecoming dance. I had thought about asking him but I was too chicken to ask a boy to the dance. However, at that moment I realized that I really wanted him to ask me.

But it was not to be. Apparently, my sister had asked him to go with a friend of hers but he had told her no, said that he was asking a girl from another school. But apparently that had not worked out so he had called to get my sister's friend's number from my sister. This girl had liked him for a long time and since he didn't have a date he had decided to ask her. Why not me I kept thinking. But what could I do about it?

It's not like I had ever really talked to him much beyond saying hi. Let alone flirted with him or given him any reason to think I was interested. Oh well, I figured. I would just go with my friends as planned.

Pinky Swear

The summer after L and I broke up I started falling for the IDM (Impossible Dream Man) or otherwise known as the pinky swear man. To this day, if that man were to walk into my house and tell me he wanted to sleep with me I can't tell you that I wouldn't shuffle him straight up to my bedroom.

I don't know what it is about him, he's not particularly drop dead gorgeous and I know very little about him in the sense that you know someone you date but I would leave my whole life behind in a heartbeat for him.

That summer we were working together. I was 16 and he was 24 and I had decided that I needed to have him for my very own. Now once I make up my mind to something, I'm pretty hard to deter so I dropped hints MERCILESSLY for the entire month of June. Daring him to kiss me. Calling him a chicken because he wouldn't. Dressing as provocatively as I could given that we were doing manual labor.

Finally one day we were in a tack room and he closed the door. I thought for SURE that would be the day but at the last minute he said, I can't... your parents would kill me. So I razzed him. For the next 30 minutes or so until we got to another barn that we were loading at.

For the rest of my life that will stay with me. He kissed me and I felt like I was floating on air. He stopped, started to walk away, turned around and kissed me again. The ONLY physical contact we have had was on that one day and yet it is forever burned into my memory. I didn't write one single thing about it in my diary. Only that I pinky swore about something and just that phrase brings the whole day back.

Diary of a Sad Scared Teenager

01-04-96


"For the last day all me and L have done is fight."


01-08-96


"Today was our three month anniversary, we still spent most of the day fighting. It has been awful!!"


01-09-96


"We didn't fight today which is like a first in I don't know how long."


01-11-96


"I think I have just been stood up. L was supposed to be here to work on his research paper but hasn't shown up yet. We got in a fight after school today."


"He finally did come and we talked and made up AGAIN!! He didn't want to loose me and I don't want to lose him but I don't know what hurts worse, staying with all the fighting, or leaving and having a hole in my heart."


01-12-96


"Well M is here and I think we're in the process of fighting or something. It seems like that's all we do when she's here is fight. But when other people are here I fight with them so it must be me in which case I'm in trouble because I can never seem to say the right thing. I out to stop talking to people so I won't make them mad at me."


01-13-96


"L and I gto in another fight today over me insulting him which I really don't mean to do but do anyway. So I have to try hard not to do it so I won't make him mad cuz he says he's trying to change for me so I should at least be willing to try for the good of our relationship."


01-18-96


"I have to take some food to school because I have a feeling we'll do swing chior 5th hour and I need to have a little food in my stomach... BUT not too much cuz I need to loose back what I've gained."


01-26-96


"L and I had a major fight on Tuesday. We made up on Wednesday night so we're better now."


01-28-96


"The good news is I lost 2 inches off my waist. The bad news is I probably just gained it all back eating cinimon rolls. I feel awful about it. I mean I was already 1/2 a pound over to begin with."


02-01-96


"Depressed. What else can I write? I stepped on the scale yesterday night and I weighed 107. I about died."


02-06-96


"I'm so depressed I can't eat. I just kinda mope around and I thought about driving off the road on the way home tonight. It's gotten that bad. And the worst part is my parents think it's a big joke that they can laugh about. I don't think they can even comprehend depression"


02-18-96


"I've just majorly gone down hill. When I weighed myself this morning I weighed 103 1/2 which is good for me in my mind but all my bones stick out. M is in the hospital and I wish I was with her."


03-09-96


"I went to see Dr. E and he diagnozed me as anorexic and told me if I didn't get better he'd put me in Big City treatment center for a year. So I've been eating now but I'm going on a water diet tomorrow because I've eaten SOO much this weekend."


"On Tuesday the 5th we had History Fiar and I won!! But the bad news was that me and L fought all through it. It upset him so much that he didnt' come to school on Wednesday because he didn't want to face me. So that upset me and and so I got really pissed and upset and scratched at my wrists with a needle and fingernail clippers. But the 7th was our 5 month anniversary so we made up and everything which was really cool."


03-26-96


"Me and L have worked out almost all of our problems. It's been a very long time since we've had a fight. We've learned to talk things out. I guess maybe it's because he finally got strong and I got weak and it just works this way."


"I went to a meeting for people with eating disorders and I'm gonna go back next week. It was pretty cool and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one in the world with this problem."


04-09-96


"Well no more C the phychiotrist. My mom told me I'm making it all up and so I figure I don't need to go back if I'm find."


"Well the only bad part about being better is it means no more group. I love group and I hope I can go without it."


05-21-96


"Prom was kinda a drag cuz L had a fit but that's ok. I had a great time at after prom."

Do As I Say....

Sometime in my early teenage years I discovered the joy of my shower head. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about because you SOO do and I am totally not going to say any more than that....

N-E-Way.... in 1995 & 1996 I was dating L. L wanted to be a minister and he somehow convinced me that I wanted to be with him forever. We were talking about marriage before we had even been dating a year. So to be married to a minister I had to be a good ministers wife. No thinking dirty thoughts, no pre-marital sex, and no joy in the shower. (As a quick aside I did not KNOW that this was actually ma$terbati0n until almost a year later... I just thought it was something bad that I was not to do because God would look badly at me)

So, on January 1st of 1996 I put my New Year's Resolutions down on paper. Be closer to God, Closer to L, Closer to loved ones and never do what is it that I never want to do again. See, I couldn't even name it... I just knew it was bad.

As I look back on this, I see my self hatred and lothing starting even then. He could tell dirty jokes but then make me promise not to tell anyone and that was ok. I could not or I was sinning. I could not get any "pleasure" from our interactions but he had to excuse himself almost every time we were together because me sitting in his lap had given him a bit more than he could handle and he had to clean himself up.

Looking back, we fought all the time and three months into our relationship he broke down and said he couldn't handle his life. His parents marriage was falling apart, the relationship that made him believe in marriage and love and Christian life, and he couldn't handle anything. He cried a lot and we fought a lot and somehow anything that I felt got lost in the noise. His problems became center and front in my life. His and my friend M's. Mine were put to the back of my mind.

The relationship was very one sided in that respect and even now I wonder if a lot of my self talk and my you are not doing it right comes from those very basic interactions. Always giving someone else what they want but never getting anything I wanted in return. Sometimes the very things we think are insignificant at the time can have the greatest impact on the person we grow up to be.

The Beginning of the Disease...

October 25, 1994

"I have to loose weight before the musical though because the four guys who are supposed to lift me up don't think they can because I weigh so much. When they told me that I about started bawling and I knew I needed to loose weight no matter what anyone told me."

I was 14 and probably all of about 115 lbs soaking wet. I look back now and I'm sure that these four burly guys were just joking with me, yet somehow I internalized it and took it to heart. The beginning of the spiral started right here with those few words.

Taking on the Problems of the World

October 23, 1994

"On like Wednesday or Thursday I had an emotional breakdown. [...] Everything all caught up with me at once. MS's anorexia and my fear of her dying. Thinking T liked me. M's other problems, S's Problems, J's, D's, L's, SD's, I's and the rest of the worlds!"

I was 14 years old and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it was all mine to fix. I was trying to save everyone yet no one was trying to save me.... least of all myself.

February 2, 1995

"I'm really bummed. the problem is I don't know why. I think it has something to do with worrying about everyone else's problems plus my own. Sometimes I wish my parents would take me to a physiologist. I can't talk to any of my friends about this crap and I can't talk to my parents. One thing out of everything that's bugging me is going to piss everyone off.

Let's see where to I start?"

I proceeded for four diary pages to list everyone else's problems that I was worried about. Everything from M's not eating to S getting in a car accident.

This continued to be the story of my life until... well basically until recently and if I'm not careful I can still slip back into that pattern VERY easily. Worrying about everything that I can not control.

A in the Summer Time

As I sit here writing this I can hear the sounds of the summer night out my window. Summer nights make me think of A. A lives in Spain. He is one of my facebook friends but also a boy I "dated" for two or three summers when he was back visiting his aunt & uncle.

Summer time makes me think of him because I was always so excited when he would get back in town for a month. I waited a whole year just to hang out with him and his two sisters. Swimming in the pond, playing spin the bottle where they always rigged the game so him and I would end up kissing.

A carved his and my initials into a tree the first summer we met. That carving was there for several years although while he was gone there were other boys. Other "loves" of my life, he was the summer one. I would have boyfriends from September - May and then A in the summer.

Never alone, always on to the next one. Yet there was something magical about a boy from another country coming to see me, so excited to be back with me. Even if all we ever did was kiss over a game of spin the bottle.

Hurting...

Monday, May 9, 1994

"Actually the thought of having a big illness sounds kind of fun. Then I'd actually get attention for once.

Basically that's the only reason I do most of the stuff I do. I'm insecure and so when i do stupid things people get worried and then I know they care. Kinda stupid, huh?"

"Everything (everyone else's lives) sounds so wonderful. To not have to live up to so many expectations and not be so isolated from the world!"

My Mommy

Looking back, well before I met my alcoholic, I had just as many dysfunctional relationships with women as I did with men. None of them were ever really sexual but looking back on them, I don't understand them, even to this day.

When I was 13 there was a girl that was either a junior or a senior. I think a senior and I would call her and talk with her and hang out with her. What 17 year old girl hangs out with a 13 year old? But she did. Now she is one of my facebook friends. I looked up to her and sort of acted like she was an older sister.

Then there was a "best friend" of mine, also at the age of 13. Her and I had only one thing in common, horseback riding. She, once again, had a troubled home life and her and I spent A LOT of time together. Then, just as quickly as we became friends, suddenly we weren't any more.

Finally there was a girl who was a year ahead of me in school. This relationship, still to this day, baffles me. I called this girl my mommy. As I look back through my diary entries all I see is a scared, depressed 12, almost 13 year old girl.

"Well, got to go where the people who have no life or best friends go. The only comforting place, asleep!"

I was grounded once for being in a bad mood and I wrote frequently of being depressed. Right now, as I'm writing this, it depresses me. At 12 or 13 little kids should not be depressed. They should not be hurting like I was and what really gets me is I still don't know why. So, through all of this, I reached out to this girl, I think for nurturing or kindness. She, as is the story of my life, didn't have the greatest home life.

I'm not sure what my parents thought of this relationship, as reading about it today creeps me out a bit. I know that I had a horseback riding accident and my whole world kind of changed. I looked scary for awhile and my best friend sort of ditched me and so I just attached myself to that girl during the fall.

My diary is filled with I miss my Mommy, etc and the only thing I can guess is I was looking for acceptance and I was trying to get it from her. My mother was not very "loving" at the time. I'm not sure if I remember hearing her say I love you much throughout my childhood. That has changed a great deal since the Munchkin has been born and DH and I started having problems.

"Christmas is almost here! All I want for Christmas is a one way ticket out of this house. I hate it here. Mommy says I can move in with her [...] I don't care if they don't get to see their grand kids! They'd probably find something un-perfect about them too!"

30 pages of diary entries from 1993 to early 1994 filed with carvings in my arm and thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up.

No wonder I attached myself to someone who I thought would love me unconditionally. The real question to me is why? Why was I there? How did I get to that place?

Life Altering

Somewhere along the way I learned that it is was very important what people thought of me and that I needed to do what they wanted to get them to like me. I learned it early and I told it to f&^$ off just a few years later. That thing that I learned, it changed my whole life. I will never know for the better or the worse.

In 6th grade R & I were still "dating." Somehow my "friends" had convinced me that it wasn't official because even though by this point we were talking to each other we weren't holding hands or sitting with each other on the bus or doing "official" dating things.

Somehow I took these words to heart and I decided that I had to make him tell everyone that we were together. It backfired on me. My little plan to make him tell everyone. I don't remember exact details but I think there was a note and somehow through all of it he didn't like the attention, the being put on the spot, hell maybe it was all in my head that we were together in the first place but I'm pretty sure he checked no.

I don't have the note, but the memory of crying in my room for days is still there. I let my friends convince me that it wasn't real because they said it wasn't and then suddenly it was all gone. I tried grasping at straws to get it back but it was gone.

Some days, when I'm lonely, I wonder what he's up to. What would have happened if I wouldn't have believed my friends. Wouldn't have been so pushy and demanded and answer from him. Would it have still just fallen apart or would he be the man downstairs right now instead of DH.

First Kiss

I was in elementary school. I think 3rd grade. This boy R and I had been "going out" since Kindergarten. Which looking back now seems a bit odd since I'm not even sure we were in the same class in kindergarten and if we weren't how in the hell did we meet?

Either way, it was well known that we were an item even though we did not talk, or hold hands, or play together. We just were and that was enough. As an aside, are you seeing a pattern here? Dating guys but not really "dating" them. Apparently it started early for me.

So we are on the playground. I chase him down clear out by the far fence and he falls, or I tackle him. Who knows but somehow he is lying down and I lie on top of him and kiss him. Just a little peck. Another boy, K, who I end up dating in 6th grade by the way, is there. He immediately starts saying she KISSED HIM!!

I jump up!! No I didn't!! I didn't kiss him. I just fell!! R & I "dated" for three more years. This is the the only "physical" interaction we ever had.

Peter Rabbit

A few birds later after the opossum incident we stumbled upon Peter Rabbit. He was a baby rabbit that one of our cats had plucked from his nest. I remember going outside and hearing this thing scream. Until this point I didn't know that sound could come out of any animal, let alone one so small. Just as always, I promptly set out to find this poor creature and attempt to "save" it. I don't quite recall whether Peter was lying in the grass or if I had to wrestle a cat for him but somehow he made it into our house.

We had a large cat kennel that we deemed as a makeshift rabbit den. For several days we fed this bunny and he seemed to be doing all right. Then one day he decided he was strong enough to explore and he slipped through the bars of the kennel and out into our house. We're not sure if it was the fall from the kennel (it was sitting up on a TV tray) or whether our cat got him but somehow this poor little bunny damaged his equilibrium. From that point on he could no longer hop or sit up and with in a day or two Peter was no longer with us.

The Opossum

When I was about 6 I remember that my father shot an opossum in our back yard. When you live on a farm this is commonplace, and maybe it was because I was just raised that they were mean, but I didn't really grieve for the opossum. However, this was not just any opossum. This was a mother opossum, which had four or five little babies in her pouch.

I can remember seeing one of these babies scurrying around a large bush in our back yard. I had told my mother that I wanted to save it to which she promptly replied, "Don't you dare touch it, it might have rabies!"

For two days we would go out and just stand around on the sidelines and watch as this poor opossum slowly starved to death. Looking back it seems so awful, us standing around this poor creature taking his picture as we watched him die. I wanted so badly to do something for him but my mom was terrified that it would have some disease.

Somewhere in our house an old photo album still contains pictures of that opossum. It was from this point on that I decided that rabies or no rabies, after all, the chances that the mouse-sized opossum actually had rabies were petty slim; I would try to save anything I could.

The Shirt

I'm five. In a few short months I will be leaving the baby sitters house to go to kindergarten. I live in a different school district than her so I can not stay at her house any longer. As a going away present she is making me a shirt. Every kid gets one when they leave, a way to remember her.

We go to the fabric store. A trip with my mom to pick out the fabric for my "special shirt." I pick one, my mom asks me if I am sure. I tell her that I am. It is BRIGHT. Not just a little bright, but a lot of bright. Primary colors, horizontal stripes.

She makes the shirt. I don't know how many times I have worn it but I know that I still own it. After I got married I cleaned out my room at home and there it was. Obviously I will never fit into it again but I can't bare to part with it. Somewhere in a tote up in our attic sits my shirt.

This year my baby sitter passed away. She will never make another shirt for another little kid. I'm so glad I still have mine.

The mole..

I'm at the baby sitters. My mom comes, it is the middle of the morning. She doesn't ever come this early. She tells me that we are going to the doctor. We get there and he looks at something on my back. Something that my mom is concerned about.

Suddenly there is pain. Enormous amounts of pain. Horrible pain, I think I am going to die. I cry. Huge hot wet tears. I'm scared and that hurt. My mom tells me to stop crying, that the worst part is over. I can't. It hurt, I can't let him touch me again. It will hurt.

Finally the doctor leaves the room to give me time to calm down. I'm pretty sure at this point I'm screaming. She doesn't hug me. There is no comfort. Just angry words. I'm acting ridiculous. The shot wasn't that bad. I'm embarrassing her and I need to just stop it right now.

Finally I calm down and the doctor returns. I lay on the table and brace myself for the worst. It is over in two seconds. No pain, I feel nothing. He puts a bandaid on my back and I am free to get dressed. See? You should have listened to me. I told you it wouldn't hurt and you made that entire scene for nothing.

She is right, I am wrong. She takes me back to the baby sitters. The pain is long sense gone, the trauma will never go away.

You show me yours

We are under a picnic table in the back yard. All the other kids are playing on the swing set. It is just T and I. We told all the others to go away. Leave us alone. We have to be quick. He wants to see, I want to see.

1,2,3... show...

Wow... is that what it looks like? That's like daddy's only smaller. He has done his duty, I do mine. Does he realize I have nothing for him to see? In five minutes it is over. We are innocent, just want to look. Want to see what all of the fuss is about. Then back to the swing set we go as if nothing ever happened.

Playing Doctor

There's a big chair in the baby sitter's basement. A large 70's type recliner. We have something similar at home. We go behind it, so the other kids don't see. T, J & I. Two boys, one girl all behind that chair for the same reason. T doesn't have any sisters, I don't have any brothers. J has a sister but she's mentally challenged. Perhaps she looks different.

We want to see, but we are caught. Just as we are getting to the "good" part someone comes down stairs. Asks what we are doing. Nothing, just playing. We come out and move on with our day.

A thief

I can still, even to this day see the image. We are walking along in the grocery store. On the ground I see a grape. I don't want anyone to step on it so I pick it up. I look around but there are no garbage cans. I can't put it back up with the grapes, someone might eat it, it has been on the floor.

I don't offer it to my mother, perhaps she is busy, perhaps it doesn't cross my mind. I put it in my pocket. When we get home I will throw it away. It is garbage. But we get home, and I don't remember. It stays in my pocket and then my mom does laundry and she finds the grape.

I remember she's screaming. I'm a thief, why would I steal? Hasn't she taught me better than that? What was I thinking? I'm crying, I can't help it. I try to tell her, try to get it through to her. It was on the floor. I didn't want someone to step on it. I didn't' steal it.

Finally, I think she gets it. I'm unsure that she believes me but she knows my side of the story and I am free to go. No apology, nothing. Just free to go. My mom thinks I'm a thief, why would she think I would steal? I'm a good girl....

Kindergarten Roundup

I have just turned five. I will be going to Kindergarten in the fall and it is now time for that wonderful tradition of kindergarten roundup. The one week at the end of the school year where all of the kindergartners go home and all of the preschoolers get to go to school.

I was a big kid. I could do this. I don't remember my mom taking me to school on the first day. I remember the big laminated paper crayons with our names on them. Something they could never do in today's day and age. These crayons were safety pinned to my front and my back. I stood on the deck for the obligatory picture and then the bus came.

The large bus that the big kids rode on. And I was getting on it to go to school all by myself.

Forgotten...

I'm at preschool, I'm waiting outside for my daddy to come and pick me up. I wait and wait. All of the other kids are gone and I am alone. Finally the teacher comes and tells me to come back inside.

They call my dad, he has forgotten to come and pick me up. They tell me I can play with the other kids that are there for afternoon preschool so I am happy and don't really notice how long it takes for him to get there.