Last night the dreams started again. Reliving things from my past through strange dreams about the present.
Last night I was pregnant. I was in the hospital having the baby but I couldn't get a hold of DH. I kept calling and I couldn't get an outside line. Then it wouldn't ring. Finally I got a hold of him and asked him where he was and where Munchkin was.
These dreams tell me that I'm not done telling my story here. They remind me that I need to get back to it......
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Who is this man I married?
Some days I'm sitting at home and there he is. On the couch, in the kitchen and I think who is this man? At the risk of admitting my mother was right, I think on this one... she might have been. She told me that I should marry a man I have something in common with so we would have things to do together and things to talk about. I ignored her. Love conquers all right?
I was wrong. Oh how there are days when I wish I could talk to him about something complex and he would be able to carry on a conversation with me. He can't. And there are days I think if I hear one more thing about hunting or fishing or whatever my head might just explode.
We are, to the core, totally and completely different. He was the bad boy, I was the good girl. He likes to hunt, fish, be outdoorsy. I prefer to only venture outside when the whether is between about 65 -75. No too hot, not too cold, not too much wind.
My favorite past time is blogging. Reading blogs, writing blogs, being on line, etc. He barely even knows how to get on the Internet. Let alone type anything. I can't tell him about my work or my on-line stuff without getting this blank stare from him. Just as he can't tell me about his work or his hunting or fishing without getting the same blank stare from me.
Yet somehow, when I saw him in the kitchen last night playing Where's Munchkin? There he is... my heart just melted. Somewhere in there is the man I fell in love with but some days I wonder if he isn't buried to deep to ever get out. Maybe I've changed, maybe he's changed. Will we ever be able to get back to that place where we would hang out non-stop and talk for hours on the phone?
As much as I complain about him and want things to be different, a deep part of me loves him for just the person he is. I just wonder if that is enough to keep me interested for as long as we both shall live. And more importantly can we get back to a place where it is healthy for both of us to be in this relationship. Past all of the hurt and the anger to where we both started out. Two young kids who thought love was enough to fix anything.
I was wrong. Oh how there are days when I wish I could talk to him about something complex and he would be able to carry on a conversation with me. He can't. And there are days I think if I hear one more thing about hunting or fishing or whatever my head might just explode.
We are, to the core, totally and completely different. He was the bad boy, I was the good girl. He likes to hunt, fish, be outdoorsy. I prefer to only venture outside when the whether is between about 65 -75. No too hot, not too cold, not too much wind.
My favorite past time is blogging. Reading blogs, writing blogs, being on line, etc. He barely even knows how to get on the Internet. Let alone type anything. I can't tell him about my work or my on-line stuff without getting this blank stare from him. Just as he can't tell me about his work or his hunting or fishing without getting the same blank stare from me.
Yet somehow, when I saw him in the kitchen last night playing Where's Munchkin? There he is... my heart just melted. Somewhere in there is the man I fell in love with but some days I wonder if he isn't buried to deep to ever get out. Maybe I've changed, maybe he's changed. Will we ever be able to get back to that place where we would hang out non-stop and talk for hours on the phone?
As much as I complain about him and want things to be different, a deep part of me loves him for just the person he is. I just wonder if that is enough to keep me interested for as long as we both shall live. And more importantly can we get back to a place where it is healthy for both of us to be in this relationship. Past all of the hurt and the anger to where we both started out. Two young kids who thought love was enough to fix anything.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Anger/Frustration/Fear
It's 5:55 am. The house is dark, DH has already left for work and I am alone with two dogs and a kid. With any luck I will have a good half an hour before Munchkin wakes up. I was in the shower when he left.
Where are the dogs?
Upstairs?
Great, thanks....
Welcome to my weekend.
I get out of the shower, there is a coffee cup on the counter. Would it KILL him to put it in the dishwasher. The dishwasher that he just emptied and re-loaded. That he stomped about doing because he shouldn't "have" to re-load it. Can't he just hide the dishes in the oven?
Last night... last night I asked him to help me get things picked up for the cleaning lady. Last night it was, I'm too tired, I'm going to bed. I'll do it in the morning. Too tired?? Seriously... HOW is that possible?
Oh wait, there's the top to his bag of chips and the scissors are also laying on the counter. I pick up the garbage go to throw it away and the can is full. DAMN!! One more thing I have to do. I can guarantee you he did not take the garbage to the curb.
Let's start at the beginning. Thursday. He calls me at 4:30. He wants to know when we are going trick or treating. The guy he's working with is going back out to drill a couple more holes and he wanted to know if he could go with him. We were meeting his dad at 5:00. He gets MAD when I tell him this. As if it is a big inconvenience to him to have to leave work to trick or treat with his son.
Finally I just tell him to do what he needs to. I am slowly learning that his actions are NOT a reflection on me. I'm not a bad mom if he misses trick or treating. It was not MY decision. Finally he tells me he's leaving. He's mad, but he's coming. Mad because he has to spend time with his child??
Friday night. He's working. AGAIN. Look I like the money but I'm not really all that fond of the person he is becoming. He's tired... A LOT. When he's home he just wants to sit on the couch because he's had a long day. Well that's great... explain that to a two year old who hasn't seen you all day and just wants to play.
So he misses the meeting on Friday. He's missed a lot of meetings lately. That is not helping things. If you know anything about people in recovery meetings are their life lines. If they miss too many they start to become angry, irrational, frustrated. That seems to be DH's constant state of being right now.
He meets us for dinner after the meeting. He is dirty and tired but seems to be in pretty good spirits. We eat and I chat with my Al-anon friends. I realize that I do not pay attention to his conversation all night. This is MILES from where we were a few months ago, especially a few years ago. I was never able to have my own conversation at dinner because I was too busy listening to him to make sure he didn't say anything stupid or say anything that would embarrass me.
Saturday, he's working again. I'm with Munchkin all day. He's sort of clingy and I wonder if he's not noticing that DH is gone all the time. We play, he naps and the day seems to go fine. I send DH a text about going to dinner at 10:30 in the morning. His friend calls him about fishing at 12:00. When he calls me at 2:00 can you guess what he is talking about?
I have been home all day with Munchkin. He has been working and now he wants to be gone some more? He gets short with me. Upset that I would even suggest he change plans. Finally at 4:00 he is done working. He calls me, his friend went fishing without him. I guess I'm second best and he will settle for doing dinner and a movie with me.
We get ready. He plays with munchkin for a little bit. Although you can tell what he really wants to do is just sit on the couch. Then we take Munchkin to grandma's and we go to dinner. Munchkin is staying all night so we will be able to sleep in, perhaps be romantic.
No such luck. Our entire evening is filled with his little snips at me. We leave his mom's and he needs coffee. If I expect him to stay awake we need to go get it. Not just any coffee, mind you, a $5 mocca espresso thing. FIVE DOLLARS??
Then dinner. He didn't even want to go. Said we couldn't afford it and then he orders the most expensive thing on the menu. That is two nights in a row. If he thinks we are so poor (we're not, by the way) why does he keep ordering the MOST expensive thing?
Dinner goes well. Again I notice my ability to have my own conversation. Live my own life. It feels good. He talks with my friends husband. They chat and laugh, I miss it all, so engrossed with her in our own conversation. It feels good.
We leave and head to the movie. He hints at how tired he is. How he's unsure he can stay awake. Exasperated I just say would you just like to go home. No, no.. he's fine. He's sure he'll be fine. In the lobby, he is not fine. We have to wait. They printed the wrong movie times and he's standing. His feet hurt he needs to sit down. He's grouchy, after about 10 minutes I consider cutting my losses and just going home.
We wait it out. The movie goes fine but the car ride home, not so much. He is short with me, then as we are pulling in to feed the horses he drops the bomb of the evening. With us there is always something. One thing that takes a perfectly good evening, drops it off a cliff and then runs down and stomps on it, just to make sure it is really dead. Tonight it was him...
So, this guy I'm working with has a small pickup with like 200,000 miles on it that he is wanting to sell for like $3,000. All I can think in my mind is are you an idiot? And since it is 12:30 at night, or in the morning as the case may be, and my filter on my mouth doesn't work really well at that time that is essentially what ends up coming out of my mouth.
We just bought his car two or three months ago. We are NEVER going to get out of it what we bought it for. It runs fine and has MUCH less miles than 200,000. Why would we make such a trade?
He says he's just worried about the winter and us having two cars. Really? Are you kidding me? We have a neighbor, he can plow us out. We do not need a small pickup to do that. Where is his brain? Doesn't he think about these things?
I get out, feed the horses. When I get back in the car he's talking about something else. I tell him that I'm sorry that I snapped at him but I don't think we can get $3,000 for his car and it seems like a really stupid move to set ourselves back AGAIN right now.
What I'm thinking is for the love of god. I'm just NOW trying to get our debts paid off. Why would you add to that debt? Can't we just try to get ahead? Is that so difficult. From the way he reacted, I might as well have just said what I was thinking. It would have gone over just as well.
He's angry. I'm sure he called me names as he stomped out of the car and slammed the door. I just sit there. The engine running. He gets the dogs, comes back, opens up the door. I can tell he wants to fight. I don't want to. What am I doing? Why aren't I getting out? Why do I think he's so stupid?
That's the last straw. He slams the door again and I roll down the window. Perhaps you need to examine how you feel about yourself. I never said you were stupid, nor did I imply it. If you think people think that way about you maybe you need to examine your own self esteem.
He's standing there. Just waiting for me by the door. Why? A year ago he would have been glad I was sitting in the car. Why is he waiting now? I finally shut off the car and he storms inside. The conversation is much the same inside. Me saying he needs to go to more meetings, stop being so angry all the time.
Him trying to turn everything around. It is my fault not his. I'm the one who treats him like he is an idiot. No, I do not. Nor have I ever said that to you. I don't call you names, I don't treat you badly and I am VERY proud of the fact that you are trying to provide for our family and I've TOLD you that several times.
By this point I'm crying. It is NOT my job to fix him. He needs to fix himself. He gets upset, maybe I do have low self esteem. I go upstairs. I go to Munchkin's room, I hold on to his blanket, sit in the rocking chair and just cry. Hot tears. Tears of exhaustion and frustration. Tears of anger.
I'm feeling stuck again. Who is this man I'm living with? This angry person who loves me one minute and hates me the next? Why am I here? I'm here because right now, at this very moment, it's not enough. It's not enough for me to make the ultimate sacrifice and that is to share my son. I can't do it right now. He loves both of us and I don't want to put him through that. More importantly I don't want to put me through that. I couldn't go more than a day without seeing him. I would miss him and I'm not strong enough for that.
So I take his blanket and I go to bed. I wake up throughout the night and it is still there, with me. It smells like him, my sweet baby. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is call MIL. How is Munchkin? Do I need to come get him? She is doing chores and is then going to take him to Grandma's house. She will call in a bit when she's ready for me to get him.
So I go downstairs. I eat something and chat a bit with DH. Nothing about last night. It's as if it didn't happen. Then I get my computer and go upstairs to work on my life story. He questions me. 20 questions. Where am I going? What am I going to work on? Why does he need to know? What business is it of his?
I work on my life story until MIL calls at 10:15. I finish what I'm working on and then go downstairs to get my coat. DH is asleep on the couch. He stirs momentarily and then goes back to sleep. I go to get Munchkin. I'm there for a little while chatting and then we head home. It is 11:30 and he falls asleep in the car.
We get home and I take him inside. DH is still asleep on the couch. I go upstairs and work on my life story some more. About 1:30 I lay down. I'm suddenly VERY tired.
About 3:05 I here Munchkin talking. He has been asleep for 3 1/2 hours. I should go get him. Just 5 more minutes. Perhaps DH will get him. He's been asleep ALL day!! He comes upstairs and gets Munchkin. They go downstairs but I can still here them. Guilt takes over, I think I should go down there, be with them.
I get out of bed. We putter around the house until about 4:20 when Munchkin asks to go outside. DH doesn't want to take him. He hasn't done much of anything with him all weekend but he's tired. WTF?? He's been asleep ALL DAY!! Finally he agrees. I get Munchkin's coat and socks and shoes on him and they go outside.
About 4:45 my phone receives a text. A friend wants me to walk with her. I agree and am getting ready as DH brings Munchkin inside. Well, 20 minutes outside. Gee... don't strain yourself. I mention to him that I am going on a walk and that I could take Munchkin or leave him here since he hasn't gotten to spend much time with him.
I go into the bathroom and I hear WALK, WALK, WALK. Apparently that is my answer. Way to take the easy way out. He has done nothing but sleep all day and I have been with Munchkin all day yesterday and today and NOW he wants me to take him with me.
I agree. I know Munchkin will have fun. I can see how excited he is already and I'm not going to disappoint him. We walk, it is fun and then we head home. When we get there I am sure that DH is sleeping but am surprised to see him still awake. I cook a pizza and cut up a piece for Munchkin.
DH has eaten. Him and Munchkin ate sandwiches at 3:30 so I ask him to sit with Munchkin so I can eat. He acts like it is a huge chore. Can't you just help him while you eat? I want to go sit on the couch?
When we are done it is 6:45. He wants to put Munchkin to bed so he can watch the Simpsons. I told him I'm not putting him to bed until closer to 7:30 so he doesn't get up at 5:30 again. He is pissed that he can't watch the Simpsons. That is NOT something I want my 2 year old learning from.
Finally around 7:20 I am in the other room picking up toys for the cleaning lady. I come into the living room to pick up some more toys and he has the nerve to say to me why don't you take him up to bed now? SERIOUSLY?? I am doing something, you are sitting your happy butt on the couch (his words not mine) why don't YOU take him to bed? He rolls his eyes but agrees to do it.
When he comes back down he tells me that he is tired and going to bed. He will just have to help me clean things in the morning... which is how we got to where we are now.
Up at 5:00 by 5:30 he's sitting on the couch wanting to drink coffee. 5:40 he's slamming dishes around in the kitchen because I had the gaul to suggest that he actually help me like he told me he would do. 5:50 he's out the door (even though he didn't need to leave until 6:00) with his trail of mess behind him leaving me to feed the dogs, put them in the pen, take out the garbage, drag the 100 lb green thing to the curb, dress the kid, clean his room and try to get out the door by 7:15.
Welcome to my world....
Where are the dogs?
Upstairs?
Great, thanks....
Welcome to my weekend.
I get out of the shower, there is a coffee cup on the counter. Would it KILL him to put it in the dishwasher. The dishwasher that he just emptied and re-loaded. That he stomped about doing because he shouldn't "have" to re-load it. Can't he just hide the dishes in the oven?
Last night... last night I asked him to help me get things picked up for the cleaning lady. Last night it was, I'm too tired, I'm going to bed. I'll do it in the morning. Too tired?? Seriously... HOW is that possible?
Oh wait, there's the top to his bag of chips and the scissors are also laying on the counter. I pick up the garbage go to throw it away and the can is full. DAMN!! One more thing I have to do. I can guarantee you he did not take the garbage to the curb.
Let's start at the beginning. Thursday. He calls me at 4:30. He wants to know when we are going trick or treating. The guy he's working with is going back out to drill a couple more holes and he wanted to know if he could go with him. We were meeting his dad at 5:00. He gets MAD when I tell him this. As if it is a big inconvenience to him to have to leave work to trick or treat with his son.
Finally I just tell him to do what he needs to. I am slowly learning that his actions are NOT a reflection on me. I'm not a bad mom if he misses trick or treating. It was not MY decision. Finally he tells me he's leaving. He's mad, but he's coming. Mad because he has to spend time with his child??
Friday night. He's working. AGAIN. Look I like the money but I'm not really all that fond of the person he is becoming. He's tired... A LOT. When he's home he just wants to sit on the couch because he's had a long day. Well that's great... explain that to a two year old who hasn't seen you all day and just wants to play.
So he misses the meeting on Friday. He's missed a lot of meetings lately. That is not helping things. If you know anything about people in recovery meetings are their life lines. If they miss too many they start to become angry, irrational, frustrated. That seems to be DH's constant state of being right now.
He meets us for dinner after the meeting. He is dirty and tired but seems to be in pretty good spirits. We eat and I chat with my Al-anon friends. I realize that I do not pay attention to his conversation all night. This is MILES from where we were a few months ago, especially a few years ago. I was never able to have my own conversation at dinner because I was too busy listening to him to make sure he didn't say anything stupid or say anything that would embarrass me.
Saturday, he's working again. I'm with Munchkin all day. He's sort of clingy and I wonder if he's not noticing that DH is gone all the time. We play, he naps and the day seems to go fine. I send DH a text about going to dinner at 10:30 in the morning. His friend calls him about fishing at 12:00. When he calls me at 2:00 can you guess what he is talking about?
I have been home all day with Munchkin. He has been working and now he wants to be gone some more? He gets short with me. Upset that I would even suggest he change plans. Finally at 4:00 he is done working. He calls me, his friend went fishing without him. I guess I'm second best and he will settle for doing dinner and a movie with me.
We get ready. He plays with munchkin for a little bit. Although you can tell what he really wants to do is just sit on the couch. Then we take Munchkin to grandma's and we go to dinner. Munchkin is staying all night so we will be able to sleep in, perhaps be romantic.
No such luck. Our entire evening is filled with his little snips at me. We leave his mom's and he needs coffee. If I expect him to stay awake we need to go get it. Not just any coffee, mind you, a $5 mocca espresso thing. FIVE DOLLARS??
Then dinner. He didn't even want to go. Said we couldn't afford it and then he orders the most expensive thing on the menu. That is two nights in a row. If he thinks we are so poor (we're not, by the way) why does he keep ordering the MOST expensive thing?
Dinner goes well. Again I notice my ability to have my own conversation. Live my own life. It feels good. He talks with my friends husband. They chat and laugh, I miss it all, so engrossed with her in our own conversation. It feels good.
We leave and head to the movie. He hints at how tired he is. How he's unsure he can stay awake. Exasperated I just say would you just like to go home. No, no.. he's fine. He's sure he'll be fine. In the lobby, he is not fine. We have to wait. They printed the wrong movie times and he's standing. His feet hurt he needs to sit down. He's grouchy, after about 10 minutes I consider cutting my losses and just going home.
We wait it out. The movie goes fine but the car ride home, not so much. He is short with me, then as we are pulling in to feed the horses he drops the bomb of the evening. With us there is always something. One thing that takes a perfectly good evening, drops it off a cliff and then runs down and stomps on it, just to make sure it is really dead. Tonight it was him...
So, this guy I'm working with has a small pickup with like 200,000 miles on it that he is wanting to sell for like $3,000. All I can think in my mind is are you an idiot? And since it is 12:30 at night, or in the morning as the case may be, and my filter on my mouth doesn't work really well at that time that is essentially what ends up coming out of my mouth.
We just bought his car two or three months ago. We are NEVER going to get out of it what we bought it for. It runs fine and has MUCH less miles than 200,000. Why would we make such a trade?
He says he's just worried about the winter and us having two cars. Really? Are you kidding me? We have a neighbor, he can plow us out. We do not need a small pickup to do that. Where is his brain? Doesn't he think about these things?
I get out, feed the horses. When I get back in the car he's talking about something else. I tell him that I'm sorry that I snapped at him but I don't think we can get $3,000 for his car and it seems like a really stupid move to set ourselves back AGAIN right now.
What I'm thinking is for the love of god. I'm just NOW trying to get our debts paid off. Why would you add to that debt? Can't we just try to get ahead? Is that so difficult. From the way he reacted, I might as well have just said what I was thinking. It would have gone over just as well.
He's angry. I'm sure he called me names as he stomped out of the car and slammed the door. I just sit there. The engine running. He gets the dogs, comes back, opens up the door. I can tell he wants to fight. I don't want to. What am I doing? Why aren't I getting out? Why do I think he's so stupid?
That's the last straw. He slams the door again and I roll down the window. Perhaps you need to examine how you feel about yourself. I never said you were stupid, nor did I imply it. If you think people think that way about you maybe you need to examine your own self esteem.
He's standing there. Just waiting for me by the door. Why? A year ago he would have been glad I was sitting in the car. Why is he waiting now? I finally shut off the car and he storms inside. The conversation is much the same inside. Me saying he needs to go to more meetings, stop being so angry all the time.
Him trying to turn everything around. It is my fault not his. I'm the one who treats him like he is an idiot. No, I do not. Nor have I ever said that to you. I don't call you names, I don't treat you badly and I am VERY proud of the fact that you are trying to provide for our family and I've TOLD you that several times.
By this point I'm crying. It is NOT my job to fix him. He needs to fix himself. He gets upset, maybe I do have low self esteem. I go upstairs. I go to Munchkin's room, I hold on to his blanket, sit in the rocking chair and just cry. Hot tears. Tears of exhaustion and frustration. Tears of anger.
I'm feeling stuck again. Who is this man I'm living with? This angry person who loves me one minute and hates me the next? Why am I here? I'm here because right now, at this very moment, it's not enough. It's not enough for me to make the ultimate sacrifice and that is to share my son. I can't do it right now. He loves both of us and I don't want to put him through that. More importantly I don't want to put me through that. I couldn't go more than a day without seeing him. I would miss him and I'm not strong enough for that.
So I take his blanket and I go to bed. I wake up throughout the night and it is still there, with me. It smells like him, my sweet baby. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is call MIL. How is Munchkin? Do I need to come get him? She is doing chores and is then going to take him to Grandma's house. She will call in a bit when she's ready for me to get him.
So I go downstairs. I eat something and chat a bit with DH. Nothing about last night. It's as if it didn't happen. Then I get my computer and go upstairs to work on my life story. He questions me. 20 questions. Where am I going? What am I going to work on? Why does he need to know? What business is it of his?
I work on my life story until MIL calls at 10:15. I finish what I'm working on and then go downstairs to get my coat. DH is asleep on the couch. He stirs momentarily and then goes back to sleep. I go to get Munchkin. I'm there for a little while chatting and then we head home. It is 11:30 and he falls asleep in the car.
We get home and I take him inside. DH is still asleep on the couch. I go upstairs and work on my life story some more. About 1:30 I lay down. I'm suddenly VERY tired.
About 3:05 I here Munchkin talking. He has been asleep for 3 1/2 hours. I should go get him. Just 5 more minutes. Perhaps DH will get him. He's been asleep ALL day!! He comes upstairs and gets Munchkin. They go downstairs but I can still here them. Guilt takes over, I think I should go down there, be with them.
I get out of bed. We putter around the house until about 4:20 when Munchkin asks to go outside. DH doesn't want to take him. He hasn't done much of anything with him all weekend but he's tired. WTF?? He's been asleep ALL DAY!! Finally he agrees. I get Munchkin's coat and socks and shoes on him and they go outside.
About 4:45 my phone receives a text. A friend wants me to walk with her. I agree and am getting ready as DH brings Munchkin inside. Well, 20 minutes outside. Gee... don't strain yourself. I mention to him that I am going on a walk and that I could take Munchkin or leave him here since he hasn't gotten to spend much time with him.
I go into the bathroom and I hear WALK, WALK, WALK. Apparently that is my answer. Way to take the easy way out. He has done nothing but sleep all day and I have been with Munchkin all day yesterday and today and NOW he wants me to take him with me.
I agree. I know Munchkin will have fun. I can see how excited he is already and I'm not going to disappoint him. We walk, it is fun and then we head home. When we get there I am sure that DH is sleeping but am surprised to see him still awake. I cook a pizza and cut up a piece for Munchkin.
DH has eaten. Him and Munchkin ate sandwiches at 3:30 so I ask him to sit with Munchkin so I can eat. He acts like it is a huge chore. Can't you just help him while you eat? I want to go sit on the couch?
When we are done it is 6:45. He wants to put Munchkin to bed so he can watch the Simpsons. I told him I'm not putting him to bed until closer to 7:30 so he doesn't get up at 5:30 again. He is pissed that he can't watch the Simpsons. That is NOT something I want my 2 year old learning from.
Finally around 7:20 I am in the other room picking up toys for the cleaning lady. I come into the living room to pick up some more toys and he has the nerve to say to me why don't you take him up to bed now? SERIOUSLY?? I am doing something, you are sitting your happy butt on the couch (his words not mine) why don't YOU take him to bed? He rolls his eyes but agrees to do it.
When he comes back down he tells me that he is tired and going to bed. He will just have to help me clean things in the morning... which is how we got to where we are now.
Up at 5:00 by 5:30 he's sitting on the couch wanting to drink coffee. 5:40 he's slamming dishes around in the kitchen because I had the gaul to suggest that he actually help me like he told me he would do. 5:50 he's out the door (even though he didn't need to leave until 6:00) with his trail of mess behind him leaving me to feed the dogs, put them in the pen, take out the garbage, drag the 100 lb green thing to the curb, dress the kid, clean his room and try to get out the door by 7:15.
Welcome to my world....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
