Compromising My Values

Sometime in early 1999 my main focus turned to keeping DH around. At this point I had invested over two years in this relationship and I sort of felt like I had to keep him around. Every time he got in a fight with his parents I would get a guilt trip from them about how I was so good for him and he would be so much worse without me.



Somewhere along the line I decided that it was my job to try to save him. And to do that, I had to compromise some of the values I had. The first time I wrote about it was as follows:



I guess things are slowly getting better, but he still does pot at parties. I don't know what to do about that. It REALLY bothers me, but according to him its no worse than drinking and my father drinks, so what can I say about that?



Always, a justification. Always a reason why it was ok, in that instance. Somewhere in early 1999 I had also convinced myself that when he graduated from high school we were going to move in together. It was all part of my plan. The plan to save him. Marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after.



But... not with him... with the guy I wanted him to be. The very next paragraph in my journal shows that very obviously:



All I know is that if we live together next year I WILL NOT have that shit in my house. And with the way his parents and him have been getting along that may be more of a possibility.



Looking back now I wonder why I didn't see it. That perhaps there was a reason he was not getting along with his parents. That perhaps I should open my eyes instead of blaming them and see the real problem which was him.



Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda I suppose....