Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that if DH gave me a ring, then it would mean that he was serious about me. That we were going to be together forever. Of course that's what giving a girl a ring means.
So I started dropping hints. Not subtle at all. Large hints. Elephant in the room hints that what I wanted for Christmas contained Emeralds and gold and could be warn on my finger.
Really subtle right?
So... imagine my surprise when on Christmas morning I opened a box and what did it contain. Why a ring with an Emerald in the center.
Thursday, December 25, 1997
Friday, November 14, 1997
Broken Down
"I stopped by his house tonight and he was obnoxious right from the start. It was horrible. He told me he didn't want me there and that he had told me no before, which he didn't. Then he told me to go home. Then he told me I was at his house 24 hours a day.
He's the one who told me I could come to his house no matter whether he was there or not and that I was always welcome and now he's going back on that.
He embarrassed and hurt me in front of his parents and MS. It was awful and it still hurts thinking about it.
He basically told em I was a pest and a bother to him and he only wanted me there when it was convenient for him.
AND that hurts, more than he'll ever know.
The worst part is I can't cry: It hurts so much I can't cry."
He's the one who told me I could come to his house no matter whether he was there or not and that I was always welcome and now he's going back on that.
He embarrassed and hurt me in front of his parents and MS. It was awful and it still hurts thinking about it.
He basically told em I was a pest and a bother to him and he only wanted me there when it was convenient for him.
AND that hurts, more than he'll ever know.
The worst part is I can't cry: It hurts so much I can't cry."
Monday, November 10, 1997
College Choices
I can tell you right now that the number one reason I choose the school I did for college was because of it's proximity to my house. The fact that I ended up with a full ride scholarship there was a consolation prize.
I picked the school closest to DH first. But the cost was astronomical. So I picked the closest state school and ran with it. Looking back now I wonder what would have become of my life if I had the courage to venture a little farther. Attend a state school a bit farther away.
As it was, during this time I was looking at colleges but the only thing I was thinking was how do I find something that is the shortest distance away from where he will be.
I picked the school closest to DH first. But the cost was astronomical. So I picked the closest state school and ran with it. Looking back now I wonder what would have become of my life if I had the courage to venture a little farther. Attend a state school a bit farther away.
As it was, during this time I was looking at colleges but the only thing I was thinking was how do I find something that is the shortest distance away from where he will be.
Friday, October 31, 1997
Cuz Breaking Up is Hard to Do....
Another break up is listed here, in ye old journal and I can't help but wonder to myself why did we continue to do it. Did all teenagers break up this much so I just thought it was normal? This one lasted a whopping 6 hours. 3:30 PM - 9:30 PM.
His sister had poked holes in all of our condoms so we were in the throws of a baby scare at the time and he decided he wanted to be "free."
I, of course, was convinced I was pregnant and so I cried my eyes out for the tragedy of being a single mom and then two days later for the fact that I must have killed my baby in the throws of grief when my period came.
Seriously, are all teenagers this dramatic?
His sister had poked holes in all of our condoms so we were in the throws of a baby scare at the time and he decided he wanted to be "free."
I, of course, was convinced I was pregnant and so I cried my eyes out for the tragedy of being a single mom and then two days later for the fact that I must have killed my baby in the throws of grief when my period came.
Seriously, are all teenagers this dramatic?
Sunday, September 7, 1997
Family or Fun
Tonight was the night of his mom's birthday dinner. Tonight was one of the first nights I should have realized that to him, family ranked one notch below having fun with your friends.
11 years later I still remember this night. I called DH to ask him what time to show up, he tells me he's supposed to be there at 3:00 but he wants to do something fun first. 3:00 comes, 4:00 comes, 5:00 comes no one answers.
Finally at 5:00 I just call over to his Grandma's house where his family has gathered for the party. All of his family, except him. They tell me to come on over, he should be there soon. he went dirt bike riding with the neighbors.
It was 45 minutes later, after sitting there with his family wondering what the heck was going on that he finally called to tell them one of the bikes was broken. He should be there soon. More time passes and finally we eat dinner.
Another hour goes by, then two. All the while we heard nothing more from him. At 8:00 the search parties disperse. His dad goes one way, his mom and grandma another, me and his sister yet another. All of us worried something has happened.
It is 8:30 before he calls someone. 8:30 before he lets anyone know he is ok and then he is mad at us because we are all yelling at him. He has no concept, no understanding that someone might possibly be wondering where in the hell he ended up.
11 years later I still remember this night. I called DH to ask him what time to show up, he tells me he's supposed to be there at 3:00 but he wants to do something fun first. 3:00 comes, 4:00 comes, 5:00 comes no one answers.
Finally at 5:00 I just call over to his Grandma's house where his family has gathered for the party. All of his family, except him. They tell me to come on over, he should be there soon. he went dirt bike riding with the neighbors.
It was 45 minutes later, after sitting there with his family wondering what the heck was going on that he finally called to tell them one of the bikes was broken. He should be there soon. More time passes and finally we eat dinner.
Another hour goes by, then two. All the while we heard nothing more from him. At 8:00 the search parties disperse. His dad goes one way, his mom and grandma another, me and his sister yet another. All of us worried something has happened.
It is 8:30 before he calls someone. 8:30 before he lets anyone know he is ok and then he is mad at us because we are all yelling at him. He has no concept, no understanding that someone might possibly be wondering where in the hell he ended up.
Sunday, April 20, 1997
More of the Same
I remember thinking that once I slept with DH things would get better. He would be happier because I had done it. I would be happier because we would not be fighting about it, etc. However that was not the case at all. By the time I slept with him he already knew he didn't really want to be with me but to him, I was just another trophy. Another notch in the belt.
To me, it makes me angry that he would sleep with me, knowing it was my first time, if he didn't want to be with me. To him, I'm guessing the fact that I was a virgin never crossed his mind. Or perhaps it did....
Either way, things continued to go down hill. We went to prom together but ended up separate for 90% of after prom. He was with the girl he was cheating on me with and I was upstairs doing god knows what. Nothing like blatantly having your nose rubbed in it and turning a blind eye just the same.
I even went to his house the day after prom and slept with him again, for God only knows what reason, and this is when we had our first baby scare. I spent the next week completely alone and terrified. I am just weeks away from my 17th birthday and pretty sure that I'm pregnant and my "boyfriend" is treating me like dirt and running around with another girl.
Finally, I take the test and then within the week he breaks up with me...
Again....
At this point it is the 25th of April and I just shut down. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I just cry. I cry at home, I cry at school, I'm pretty much the epitome of pathetic. And ya know what? It works. He comes back to me on the 1st of May.
It is after that "reuniting of the soles" that I find out about the girl. The one he's been seeing on the side. And yet, I stay. I put my faith in him once again, throw myself into my new job, convinced that if I don't "bother" him so much things will be better, and I pretend that none of that ever happened.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
To me, it makes me angry that he would sleep with me, knowing it was my first time, if he didn't want to be with me. To him, I'm guessing the fact that I was a virgin never crossed his mind. Or perhaps it did....
Either way, things continued to go down hill. We went to prom together but ended up separate for 90% of after prom. He was with the girl he was cheating on me with and I was upstairs doing god knows what. Nothing like blatantly having your nose rubbed in it and turning a blind eye just the same.
I even went to his house the day after prom and slept with him again, for God only knows what reason, and this is when we had our first baby scare. I spent the next week completely alone and terrified. I am just weeks away from my 17th birthday and pretty sure that I'm pregnant and my "boyfriend" is treating me like dirt and running around with another girl.
Finally, I take the test and then within the week he breaks up with me...
Again....
At this point it is the 25th of April and I just shut down. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I just cry. I cry at home, I cry at school, I'm pretty much the epitome of pathetic. And ya know what? It works. He comes back to me on the 1st of May.
It is after that "reuniting of the soles" that I find out about the girl. The one he's been seeing on the side. And yet, I stay. I put my faith in him once again, throw myself into my new job, convinced that if I don't "bother" him so much things will be better, and I pretend that none of that ever happened.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
Saturday, April 5, 1997
Giving it Up to Keep Him
After he tried to leave me at the end of March something inside me decided that I had to do whatever it took to get him to stay.
So I gave him my virginity.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? It was only the one thing that I could only give to one person and that I had been holding on to all this time. Why wouldn't I pick this moment, after he had already expressed an interest in breaking up with me to give it to him?
Whatever the reason, it happened. Life happened and sometime in the beginning of April he took something from me I could never get back.
So I gave him my virginity.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? It was only the one thing that I could only give to one person and that I had been holding on to all this time. Why wouldn't I pick this moment, after he had already expressed an interest in breaking up with me to give it to him?
Whatever the reason, it happened. Life happened and sometime in the beginning of April he took something from me I could never get back.
Sunday, March 30, 1997
The First Affair
By March our relationship was on the rocks. I still wouldn't sleep with DH and it was becoming fairly clear that not only would I not sleep with him but I also wouldn't drink or get high with him.
I went on a school trip in the end of March and while I was gone he started seeing a girl who was in the grade above me. He even took her to his parents house. I got back on the 30th of March and on the 31st he broke up with me. Sighting irreconcilable differences. (i.e. I was still annoying him and the break away from me didn't help.) (aka... I'm seeing someone else and think she might sleep with me and party with me so bye... bye... ta... ta... nice knowing you)
Once again, I couldn't take no for an answer. I spent that entire Monday looking as sad and pathetic as I could every time I saw him. I would cry and cry and pout and eventually he called me and asked me to go out with him again.
On April Fool's day. Who was the fool I ask you??
I went on a school trip in the end of March and while I was gone he started seeing a girl who was in the grade above me. He even took her to his parents house. I got back on the 30th of March and on the 31st he broke up with me. Sighting irreconcilable differences. (i.e. I was still annoying him and the break away from me didn't help.) (aka... I'm seeing someone else and think she might sleep with me and party with me so bye... bye... ta... ta... nice knowing you)
Once again, I couldn't take no for an answer. I spent that entire Monday looking as sad and pathetic as I could every time I saw him. I would cry and cry and pout and eventually he called me and asked me to go out with him again.
On April Fool's day. Who was the fool I ask you??
Tuesday, February 25, 1997
02/25/97
"On Saturday DH got arrested for trying to steal liquor. It was an awful day. And the worst part is, I'm still with him.
I couldn't leave. Even after I swore over and over that I'd be gone, I'm still there.
You know I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. He is SO important to me, which is why it just kills me.
Every time I think about it it's like someone taking a knife and carving my heart out.
It's not fair! Life is not fair! God tested him and he lost and it's not fair!
What's also not fair is that he is a good kid. I mean it's not like he doesn't know what he did wrong, or he doesn't regret it. I feel SO bad for him. He's just so depressed about it."
Alcoholism is a disease. A disease that touches every person who knows and/or loves the alcoholic. That's all I can think when I read that. How quickly I got sucked into all of it. How I knew then that there was something bigger going on. Some reason he needed to steal and some reason he felt remorse about it when it was over.
Yet, in the end, what I also see is a mother. Someone taking him under her wing and trying to fix him. How did I go from girlfriend to mother?
I couldn't leave. Even after I swore over and over that I'd be gone, I'm still there.
You know I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. He is SO important to me, which is why it just kills me.
Every time I think about it it's like someone taking a knife and carving my heart out.
It's not fair! Life is not fair! God tested him and he lost and it's not fair!
What's also not fair is that he is a good kid. I mean it's not like he doesn't know what he did wrong, or he doesn't regret it. I feel SO bad for him. He's just so depressed about it."
Alcoholism is a disease. A disease that touches every person who knows and/or loves the alcoholic. That's all I can think when I read that. How quickly I got sucked into all of it. How I knew then that there was something bigger going on. Some reason he needed to steal and some reason he felt remorse about it when it was over.
Yet, in the end, what I also see is a mother. Someone taking him under her wing and trying to fix him. How did I go from girlfriend to mother?
Thursday, February 6, 1997
Parental Defiance?
There is a line from my journal that I just read that stuck out at me:
"DH will have been clean 60 days. The same 60 days that we get to rub in my dad's face."
I don't remember an overwhelming desire to stay with DH because I wanted to prove my parents wrong but I wonder if there was a part of me that did. And if so, that scares me because I want to know how to keep from making the same mistake with my son.
How do I make it so he doesn't want to prove me wrong? So he doesn't stay with someone that makes him miserable just to be the one who is right?
"DH will have been clean 60 days. The same 60 days that we get to rub in my dad's face."
I don't remember an overwhelming desire to stay with DH because I wanted to prove my parents wrong but I wonder if there was a part of me that did. And if so, that scares me because I want to know how to keep from making the same mistake with my son.
How do I make it so he doesn't want to prove me wrong? So he doesn't stay with someone that makes him miserable just to be the one who is right?
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