DH came home drunk tonight. On this night my world fell around my feet. "He never stopped chewing, drinking or smoking pot. He had lied to me about it all plus he had lied to me about some other things. It hurt me SO bad. But I met with his counselor and his family"
Wait… wait… wait…. Stop the train. I did what? I'd been dating the guy a month and a half I was 16 years old, please why didn’t someone stop me? The phrase walk away is just repeating over and over in my head right now. But somewhere, some how I had decided that I didn't want to fail. That I could fix him, and so I stayed. According to my journal because "I loved him so very much."
I swear if my father would have known half of this stuff he would have locked me away in a catholic school. (Or at least that's what I would be thinking if I were the parent.)
Wednesday, October 30, 1996
Monday, October 7, 1996
10/07/1996
Three weeks, one day and already I'm writing in my journal about how he's my best friend. MW and I had been friends for YEARS, we did everything together and already I was so willing to just shove someone else in her place. Why? What was I needing?
This whole entry in my journal is all about the angst between me and my sister. About how she was telling me that people don't like me and I, of course was letting her get under my skin. So I called DH and he made me feel so much better.
Is that what I was needing? Acceptance? I was sort of an outcast. Refused to do what it took to be part of the popular group but was just a little to popular to totally fit in with the nerds. Did I just need to fit somewhere and once I found it with him I didn't want to let it go?
This whole entry in my journal is all about the angst between me and my sister. About how she was telling me that people don't like me and I, of course was letting her get under my skin. So I called DH and he made me feel so much better.
Is that what I was needing? Acceptance? I was sort of an outcast. Refused to do what it took to be part of the popular group but was just a little to popular to totally fit in with the nerds. Did I just need to fit somewhere and once I found it with him I didn't want to let it go?
Sunday, October 6, 1996
10/06/1996
Today was our three week "anniversary" and it was all about the sweet talk. I wrote in my journal that "we had a rough night last night but tonight we talked and worked everything out. He understands that I don't want too much to happen and he's O.K. with that.
He said he loves me for me and that's not what he wants. I mean I know he wants it but not if I don't. He's being so sweet. I just talked to him on the phone and he said he almost cried when I left tonight because he misses his baby. He's hooked, bad.
And, he quit chewing for me which is like so great. He knew I didn't like it but I told him I was O.K. with it & he quit anyway. That makes me SO happy."
Reading this just makes me cringe. DH ALWAYS knew just what to say to me to keep me hooked. I can't believe that I was that naive. He told me he was quiting and I believed him, just like that. I guess I had no reason not to. I didn't know at the time how good he was a lying about things. He always knew just what would make me feel better and be ok with how things were.
The other thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the fact that I ever told him it was ok in the first place. Three weeks into our relationship and I was already so determined to "make it work" that I was compromising my values. Why not just say I don't approve of that and walk away? It was only three weeks.
He said he loves me for me and that's not what he wants. I mean I know he wants it but not if I don't. He's being so sweet. I just talked to him on the phone and he said he almost cried when I left tonight because he misses his baby. He's hooked, bad.
And, he quit chewing for me which is like so great. He knew I didn't like it but I told him I was O.K. with it & he quit anyway. That makes me SO happy."
Reading this just makes me cringe. DH ALWAYS knew just what to say to me to keep me hooked. I can't believe that I was that naive. He told me he was quiting and I believed him, just like that. I guess I had no reason not to. I didn't know at the time how good he was a lying about things. He always knew just what would make me feel better and be ok with how things were.
The other thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the fact that I ever told him it was ok in the first place. Three weeks into our relationship and I was already so determined to "make it work" that I was compromising my values. Why not just say I don't approve of that and walk away? It was only three weeks.
Saturday, October 5, 1996
10/05/1996
Merely three weeks into our relationship and DH had already begun with the sweet talk. By this point he had told me he loved me, probably mostly in an effort to get into my pants, and it wasn't working and he was frustrated.
I wrote in my journal about having a long talk with him about waiting until marriage and trying to enforce boundaries with him. This would become the topic of many more arguments in the future. I dated L for 9 months and spent the entire last two months TRYING to get him to have sex with me and now suddenly I was with DH and I was totally flipping my position.
I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I had sex with him our relationship would probably be over and I was not willing to let that happen. I wasn't willing to open up my eyes wide enough to see what he really wanted, which wasn't a long term plan with me.
I wrote in my journal about having a long talk with him about waiting until marriage and trying to enforce boundaries with him. This would become the topic of many more arguments in the future. I dated L for 9 months and spent the entire last two months TRYING to get him to have sex with me and now suddenly I was with DH and I was totally flipping my position.
I think somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that if I had sex with him our relationship would probably be over and I was not willing to let that happen. I wasn't willing to open up my eyes wide enough to see what he really wanted, which wasn't a long term plan with me.
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