My Mommy

Looking back, well before I met my alcoholic, I had just as many dysfunctional relationships with women as I did with men. None of them were ever really sexual but looking back on them, I don't understand them, even to this day.

When I was 13 there was a girl that was either a junior or a senior. I think a senior and I would call her and talk with her and hang out with her. What 17 year old girl hangs out with a 13 year old? But she did. Now she is one of my facebook friends. I looked up to her and sort of acted like she was an older sister.

Then there was a "best friend" of mine, also at the age of 13. Her and I had only one thing in common, horseback riding. She, once again, had a troubled home life and her and I spent A LOT of time together. Then, just as quickly as we became friends, suddenly we weren't any more.

Finally there was a girl who was a year ahead of me in school. This relationship, still to this day, baffles me. I called this girl my mommy. As I look back through my diary entries all I see is a scared, depressed 12, almost 13 year old girl.

"Well, got to go where the people who have no life or best friends go. The only comforting place, asleep!"

I was grounded once for being in a bad mood and I wrote frequently of being depressed. Right now, as I'm writing this, it depresses me. At 12 or 13 little kids should not be depressed. They should not be hurting like I was and what really gets me is I still don't know why. So, through all of this, I reached out to this girl, I think for nurturing or kindness. She, as is the story of my life, didn't have the greatest home life.

I'm not sure what my parents thought of this relationship, as reading about it today creeps me out a bit. I know that I had a horseback riding accident and my whole world kind of changed. I looked scary for awhile and my best friend sort of ditched me and so I just attached myself to that girl during the fall.

My diary is filled with I miss my Mommy, etc and the only thing I can guess is I was looking for acceptance and I was trying to get it from her. My mother was not very "loving" at the time. I'm not sure if I remember hearing her say I love you much throughout my childhood. That has changed a great deal since the Munchkin has been born and DH and I started having problems.

"Christmas is almost here! All I want for Christmas is a one way ticket out of this house. I hate it here. Mommy says I can move in with her [...] I don't care if they don't get to see their grand kids! They'd probably find something un-perfect about them too!"

30 pages of diary entries from 1993 to early 1994 filed with carvings in my arm and thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up.

No wonder I attached myself to someone who I thought would love me unconditionally. The real question to me is why? Why was I there? How did I get to that place?